Commitment Phobia
By Rachel Gilberts
Published by Publications Circulations LLC.
SmashWords Edition
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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, companies and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and beyond the intent of either the author or the publisher.
The following story is for entertainment purposes only. This book contains sexually graphic scenes depicting consenting adults above the age of 18 engaging in passionate sexual acts. This story is intended only for persons over the legal adult age. By downloading and opening this document, you are stating that you are of legal age to access and view this work of fiction. Mature readers only. Reader discretion is advised.
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Chapter One
PETER DECIDED IT was time to address an issue in their otherwise terrific relationship.
"We talk about everything except about us. What's up with that?"
He and Erica had been dating for almost two years. They met freshman year in college. He was studying Marine Biology and she was taking business courses. Last year they were both so busy starting school and meeting so many other new people, but they had spent time together and had hung out with each other as often as possible. One of them was always dragging the other to some party, lecture, or exhibit or would meet as often as possible at the "Roach Pit", the dining hall.
It was over the summer, however, that they had become close.
They both came from small upstate New York towns, not far from each other. They found themselves talking on the phone, texting, e-mailing, or driving to see each other almost every day. It seemed as if they preferred each other's company over spending time with old high school friends. The old friends had grown apart over freshman year, or had at least grown in different directions.
Back at school for their second year, they had pretty much become an undeclared item. Neither was seeing anyone else by choice, not by commitment. They were sleeping together whenever one or the other had a free dorm room and Peter couldn't imagine that sex with anyone else could ever be as good, exciting, or satisfying as it was with Erica.
He thought she felt the same way, but she never said anything. She seemed to enjoy their time together, but never actually came right out and said she liked him; much less maybe felt anything stronger towards him.
He tried to not let it bother him; he sensed she had an issue and she would talk about it when the time came. His gentle prodding today was simply an attempt to open the door to that place she kept locked away.
"What do you mean?" Erica asked. "We talk all the time."
Peter had to agree, he had never talked so much, about so many things to anyone before. Especially not a girl. "Yeah, I know, but we never talk about us."
"Sure we do. All the time. About class and books we like and movies and all that stuff. What do you want to talk about?" Erica questioned.
"Oh, I don't know," Peter started. "Like about the future, where do you see us headed?" It was a calculated risk, but he felt he needed to try.
A clouded look came over Erica's expression, then she suddenly smiled as she responded, "Well, to the library. I have a paper due in a couple of days, and then maybe the Ratsheller Hole for a snack before bed. Marcie's home tonight. What about David?"
"Yeah, David's home tonight." Peter had noticed her subtle switch in topic from talking about them to talking about sex. She was a clever one.
"Then it's the library, something to eat, and an early bedtime for us, my friend. Got a full day of classes tomorrow." Erica reiterated.
"I kinda meant about the future." Peter tried again gently.
"Oh, no plans for the weekend. What do you want to do?" Erica said, innocently.
Peter saw he wasn't getting anywhere so he gave up. "I don't know. Maybe there's a new movie we could catch. Come on, grab your books and let's hit the library. I'm hungry."
"Do you want to eat first?" she asked.
"No," he responded, "I'll get tired and lazy and blow off the library if I eat first and I got some stuff to do, too."
THINGS WENT ALONG pretty much unchanged other than an increased comfort between the two of them. They maintained a routine of school and each other's company.
Even at Thanksgiving break they spent the holiday together eating two meals - one with each family. They were like a couple, only an unstated couple. It was only by actions and mutual intentions that life together went on.
There was no direct communication about the nature of their relationship, their individual intentions towards each other, or verbal commitment of any kind. It didn't really seem salient until second semester.
Peter had received an opportunity to spend the summer doing an internship program at the Dolphin Research Center in the Florida Keys. It was actually an honor to be selected, especially for a sophomore.
He wanted to go and planned to go, but wanted Erica to come with him. That would mean the two of them would be living together for the entire summer break. He was sure she could get a summer job in the Keys and had no qualms about the plan. His only concern was how Erica would react to the idea. For her to agree would be in itself a commitment of sorts to their relationship. He wasn't sure she was ready or able to take that step.
Peter's roommate, David, was a psych major and they were friends as well as roommates. He had casually brought up the issue of Erica's difficulty expressing her emotions with David in the past, but very superficially. David's comments had always been encouraging like, "She's young - she'll develop over time," or "Do you want to get married now? If not, why worry about it now? Just see how it goes. Deal with it when it's important."
It had made sense at the time.
Now, with the possibility of spending months together intimately, it seemed important.
Peter wanted to get David's input before approaching Erica to keep his head balanced and in perspective.
No, he wasn't talking about getting married, but nonetheless, a couple of months together were significant.
Chapter Two
PETER WAS A little surprised by David's answer. David had listened carefully to Peter's concerns and sat thinking for a while.
Finally, he responded, "I think you're absolutely right. It is a big step, for both of you. And I do think you need to feel better about things before taking that step. I mean, you're pretty invested in this relationship already, right?"
"Well, duh!" Peter replied.
"Then I think, for your sake, it's time to clear the table or slate or whatever that expression is. But I want to be clear about this: I think you should do this for yourself. You're always so damned worried about Erica and how she feels. You're always protecting her.
While that's not necessarily a bad thing, right now you need clarity. You need to know where you stand. Isn't that what you're really saying?"
Peter had to admit that was true. He wasn't a "love 'em and leave 'em" kind of guy. This was an important step for him as well and he deserved some reassurance.
"Not only that," David continued, "but I'm not sure you're doing Erica any favors by protecting her anymore. She's almost 21, and it's time for her to figure out what's going on in her head. It sometimes takes an uncomfortable, even painful situation to precipitate introspection. She may need counseling, and you enable her stunted emotional development by standing by, patiently hoping someday she'll tell you she loves you. Or maybe you're afraid she doesn't love you. In that case you need to grow up. How much more of your time and emotion are you willing to give up for someone that doesn't or can't love you back? I once told you to wait until it was important. Well, I think it is important now. Don't you?"
Peter was amazed by the clarity and sense of what David had just said. Damn, it was hard growing up sometimes.
David was sure right about one thing, though - Peter had been complacent in part out of fear of rejection. If he really cared about Erica, and he did, then it was in her best interest to face this issue now, as well as in his own. If she wasn't able, or didn't feel the same way as he did, there was no use pretending anymore.
"One more thing," David offered, "Buddha said fight hate with love, anger with kindness. Whatever you do, don't approach this aggressively and demandingly. Just put your feelings out there and tell her your concerns about her role in the relationship lovingly and kindly. Let her know that it really is unusual after all this time together she has never said 'I love you' or 'I want to be with you' or given any indication that she is as invested in the relationship as you are. Actions may speak louder than words, but, buddy, the words in a loving relationship are important, too, right?"
"Well, yes, I guess so," Peter meekly said.
"You guess so?" David countered. "Words convey meaning and clarify actions. Without them we can only guess that our interpretation of another's actions is correct. Do you want to keep on guessing?"
"No," Peter replied, a little less meekly.
"What?" demanded David, "I can't hear you!"
"No!" Peter almost yelled. "It is time, isn't it?"
"It is time." David said gently. "Good luck, buddy. I'm always here if you need to talk."
Peter thought how great David will be as a therapist. He sure nailed this. His plan was to take Erica somewhere private to clear the air and talk about the summer and about them.
He briefly considered, "What if she's not really into me."
His next immediate thought was, "Better to know now than later."
Growing up was definitely a bitch.
"Hey, whatcha doing Saturday?" Peter had it all worked out.
"Nada, what do you have in mind?" Erica asked.
"How about a picnic?" Peter asked.
Erica gave him a "you're a dumbass" look and said, "It's March and there are two feet of snow on the ground."
"No snow at the Arboretum," Peter said smugly, "and they keep it warm for all the plants and trees."
"You are a genius! I don't care what anyone else says about you," Erica smiled.
"People say shit about me?" Peter asked.
Erica just shook her head and laughed.
THE ARBORETUM DIDN'T actually allow picnics per se so they packed brown bag lunches, cans of soda and sat on one of the benches by a leafless Red Maple tree. While it wasn't actually warm, it was warmer than outside and there was no snow inside the structure.
It is nice and different, Erica thought.
Peter waited until they had started eating to start the conversation.
Holy crap, here I go, he thought, before clearing his throat and saying, "Can I talk to you about something?"
"Can I stop you?" Erica said with a smile.
Pete didn't smile back, he was really too nervous. He had rehearsed this part over and over, and yet he still was anxious. "Something's coming up and I need to talk to you about it. I guess I really need to talk to you about a lot of things, but, oh shit, I'm already off track."
Erica sensed the urgency in Peter's voice and immediately became serious. "What's up, are you sick? Is everything okay? Just slow down and tell me one thing at a time, okay?"
Peter cleared his throat again which was suddenly dry. He took a sip of his soda and said, "The Dolphin Center in Florida, you know the research center offered me an internship for the summer."
"Oh, Peter, that's great!" Erica exclaimed with genuine excitement, "I remember you talking about that place and how you hoped you could go like after Junior or Senior year, this is great news!"
Peter looked at her and continued, "I want you to come with me. We could get an apartment, they give a stipend for that, and you could get a summer job I'm sure, but-"
"But what?" Erica tentatively asked.
"But I need to know how you feel about me." Peter had finally gotten it out.
After he had said it, he looked directly into her eyes.
Chapter Three
ERICA SHIFTED HER gaze downwards and said, "You know how I feel about you."
"No, I don't, sweetheart, I know how I think you feel about me, but that's not the same as hearing you tell me." Peter's speech had become a little pressured.
Erica tried to defend her posture by saying, "I tell you all the time."
"No. No, you don't, Erica. I tell you 'I love you' and you smile, you never say 'I love you' back. You've never said 'I love you', or anything to really indicate how you feel. You never talk about the future; I mean our future, together. You talk about your plans to open a business, where you want to open your business, but never once have you put me in any of the plans you've talked about."
Erica quietly replied, "People say 'I love you' all the time and it doesn't mean anything."
Peter now felt a little angry, "And sometimes it does, doesn't it? I mean when you say it and mean it, I don't know, it conveys something I need to hear. I mean, do you love me or not?"
Erica sat quietly looking down, not saying a word.
Now Peter was feeling pissed off and, in part, rejected. "It's a simple question Erica. Do you love me?"
Again, she remained silent.
Now really angry, Peter stood up saying, "I guess that's my answer. I'm not really hungry anymore, I want to go. Let's go."
Erica looked up with a pained expression and said, "Peter-"
"What? You don't have to let me down gently, I get it. Come on, I'm out of here." Peter started walking.
Erica said nothing more and they rode back to campus in silence.
Peter stopped at Erica's dorm and waited for her to say something. She simply got out of the car and walked away.
He didn't see the tears starting to fall as she left.
Peter went to his dorm room and found David. He was studying for mid-terms. Mid-semester recess was the week after next, all next week was exams.
"Come on," Peter said tersely, "buy me some beer, I want to get drunk." David had just turned 21, Peter's birthday was still months away.
"Didn't go well, I assume?" asked David.
"Damn skippy, you were so right. She doesn't love me, man. Plain and simple." Peter almost cried.
"She said that, or once again you're interpreting her actions without hearing the words?" David was playing Devil's advocate. "Maybe she just couldn't tell you."
"Same God-damned thing isn't it?" Peter shouted now, with tears in his own eyes.
"Is it?" David asked, gently. "I don't think so."
Now angry again, and sad at the same time, Peter challenged his friend, "You're a lot of fucking help! You started this!"
"Did I?" asked David. "I don't think so."
Peter looked at his friend and sobbed quietly. Of course David hadn't started anything. "How about that beer?"
"I don't think so, my f
riend, maybe tomorrow if you still want, but not tonight. It won't help." David's logic was sound. He was a good friend.
The next day passed without any contact between Erica and Peter. And then it was exam week.
On Tuesday Erica called Peter and said, "Hey."
Peter simply replied, "He," back, and there was an uncomfortable silence.
"Exams going okay?" she asked.
"Fine," he replied and then another silence.
"Can I come by tomorrow?" she asked.
"Leaving right after my 10 o'clock, going home," he said, and nothing more.
"Oh, okay, see ya," And she hung up.
Her tears held off until she had hung up, but then then flooded her face.
"What's wrong with me?" she said aloud to the empty room. "What the hell is wrong with me?"
Erica got through her exams with a heavy heart. When she got home for the break, her mom was working. She was an ER doc and worked 12-hour shifts.
The next day, Erica let her mother sleep in, but when she awoke, she brought her coffee and asked if they could talk. She and her mother had always been close. H Her father had left them before Erica was born, and it had just been the two of them until her mother remarried when she was six.
Her step-father was a good man and had always treated her and cared for her as his own. When she was seven, she got her baby brother who had been a joy in her life.
The two sat together in Eileen's bed.
Sipping her coffee, her mother asked what was up. Before Erica could say anything, she burst into tears.
Not the gentle tears of subtle emotions, but gut wrenching, heaving sobs of deep grief.
Her mother was taken aback a bit. Erica was usually stoic and rarely showed emotion. Eileen gathered her daughter up into her arms and rocked her like she had done when she was a baby. The sobbing eventually subsided and Erica caught her breath.
When she was calm, Eileen asked, "So what was that all about? Tell me what's going on."
Once she started telling her Mom the story and what had happened, it all came out as if the flood gates had opened. Her mother knew and genuinely liked Peter, and she understood the situation immediately.
"Oh, my poor baby girl, I'm so, so sorry. This is all my fault." Eileen said.
Erica looked at her mother and asked, "How is this your fault?"
"Oh, my dear, I taught you to distrust, didn't I? When you were a very little girl, I taught you," her mother said.