He spent every day trying not to dwell on it.
But every night he would crawl into bed and steel himself for yet another round of rejection, doing his best to convince himself that he wouldn't let it bother him. Of course, not before making the passive-aggressive move of turning the thermostat back to sixty-eight degrees. As the weeks passed, Jeremy grew increasingly frustrated and confused. One night they watched a bit of television, eventually turned off the lights, and Jeremy spooned with Lexie for a while before moving to the other side of the bed to cool off. In time, he felt her reach for his hand.
"Good night," she said, her voice soft, her thumb moving slowly over his skin.
He didn't bother to respond, but when he woke the following morning, Lexie seemed perturbed as she headed to the bathroom. He followed her in, and they brushed their teeth and gargled with mouthwash before she finally glared at him.
"So, what happened with you last night?" she asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I was in the mood and you just went to sleep."
"How was I supposed to know that?"
"I reached for your hand, didn't I?"
Jeremy blinked. This was how she made a pass at him?
"I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't realize."
"It's okay," she said, shaking her head, sounding as if it weren't okay at all.
As she headed to the kitchen, he made a mental note about the hand-holding-in-bed thing.
Two evenings later, while lying in bed, she reached for his hand again, and Jeremy spun toward her so fast, the sheets got tangled as he tried to kiss her.
"What are you doing?" she said, pulling back.
"You're holding my hand," he said.
"So?"
"Well, the last time that happened, it meant you were in the mood."
"That time I was," she said, "but I was sort of stroking your palm with my thumb, remember? This time I wasn't."
Jeremy tried his best to absorb that. "So you're not in the mood?"
"I'm just not feeling up to it. You don't mind if I just sleep, do you?"
He tried his best to avoid a sigh. "No, that's okay."
"Can we cuddle first?"
He paused before answering. "Why not?"
It wasn't until the following morning that everything finally became clear. He woke to find her sitting on the couch--or rather looking as if she were trying to lie down and sit at exactly the same time--with her pajama top pulled up to her breasts. The lampshade was angled, casting light on her belly.
"What are you doing?" he asked, stretching his hands over his head.
"C'mere, quick," she said. "Sit next to me."
Jeremy took his place beside her on the couch as she pointed to her stomach.
"Just watch," she said. "Sit real still so you can see it."
Jeremy did as he was told, and all of a sudden a small spot on her belly seemed to bulge involuntarily. It happened so quickly, however, he wasn't sure what it was.
"Did you see it?" she exclaimed.
"I think I saw something. What is it?"
"That's the baby. She's kicking. In the past few weeks, I thought I felt her moving a little, but this morning was the first time I knew for sure."
The spot bulged again.
"There! I saw it!" Jeremy exclaimed. "That's the baby?"
Lexie nodded, her expression rapt. "She's been active all morning, but I didn't want to wake you, so I snuck out here where I could see it better. Isn't it incredible?"
"Amazing," Jeremy said, continuing to watch for it.
"Give me your hand," she said.
When Jeremy reached out, she took it and placed it on her belly. A few seconds later, he felt it bulge and he grinned.
"Does it hurt?"
"No," she said, "it's more like pressure or something. It's hard to describe, except that it's wonderful."
In the soft yellow glow of the lamp, Jeremy thought she was beautiful. When she looked up at him, her eyes were shining. "Doesn't this make it all worthwhile?"
"It's always been worthwhile."
She put her hand over his. "I'm sorry we haven't fooled around lately, but I've been feeling nauseous again the past couple of weeks. It kind of surprised me, since I didn't really get morning sickness. But my stomach's been so woozy, I was afraid I might throw up if we made love, but at least I know why now."
"That's okay," he said, "I hadn't really noticed."
"Yeah, sure. I can tell when you're sulking."
"You can?"
She nodded. "You toss and turn. And sometimes you sigh. It's pretty obvious. But I'm not feeling queasy now."
"You're not?"
"In fact, I'm kind of feeling like I did right after our marriage."
"You do?"
She nodded again, her expression seductive.
If there was one other downside to their first couple of months together, it related to work. Just as he'd done in May and June, in late July Jeremy sent another of his prewritten columns up to his editor in New York. It was the last one. From this point on, he knew, the clock would be ticking. He had four weeks to come up with something new.
Still, when he sat at the computer, there was nothing.
With August came a type of heat that Jeremy had heard about but had never before experienced in such an unrelenting fashion. Though New York was humid in the summer and had more than its share of miserable, sweat-inducing days, he realized that he'd dealt with them by staying indoors with the air conditioner blasting. Boone Creek, on the other hand, was an outdoor town, with a river and summer festival that lured people out of their homes.
As Gherkin had predicted, the festival drew thousands from all over the eastern part of the state. The streets, crammed with people, were lined on either side with dozens of kiosks that sold everything from barbecue sandwiches to shrimp on a stick. Near the water, the traveling carnival had set up rides, and kids waited in lines to ride the mini-roller coaster and a creaky Ferris wheel. The paper mill across the way had donated thousands of pieces of lumber--two-by-fours, squares, circles, triangles, blocks of various sizes--and kids spent hours constructing imaginary buildings.
The astronaut was a big hit with the crowds and ended up signing autographs for hours. Gherkin, meanwhile, had displayed an uncanny knack for playing up the theme of space. In addition to face painting--instead of animals, the offerings were of space shuttles, meteors, planets, and satellites--he'd somehow convinced the Lego Company to donate a thousand kits so kids could assemble their own space shuttles. This activity, spread out beneath a giant canopy, was a huge hit even among the parents, as it was in the only shady spot around.
Jeremy soaked through his shirt within minutes, but Lexie, now a little more than six months along, was even more miserable. Though she wasn't large yet, she was definitely showing, and more than one of the older women in town who hadn't known of her pregnancy until the festival didn't bother to hide their surprise. Still, the general reaction after the obligatory raising of eyebrows was one of excitement for them.
Lexie gamely pretended to be far less miserable at the festival than she actually was, offering to stay as long as Jeremy wanted. Observing her flushed cheeks, Jeremy shook his head and told her that he'd seen enough and suggested they spend the rest of the weekend away from the crowds. After packing an overnight bag, they went to the cottage in Buxton. While it wasn't noticeably cooler, the steady breeze off the ocean and the temperature of the water offered a refreshing break. By the time they returned to Boone Creek, they learned that Rodney and Rachel were engaged. Somehow they'd been able to work through their problems, and two days later, Rachel asked Lexie to be her matron of honor.
Even the house was coming along; the major renovations were completed, the kitchen and bathrooms were as good as new, and all that was still required were the finishing touches that would turn the place from a work in progress to a home. They were scheduled to move in at the end of the month. Perfect timing, as it turned out, since they had
just received an offer on the bungalow from a nice retired couple from Virginia who wanted to take possession as soon as possible.
Aside from the continuing writer's block, life was good for Jeremy. Though he sometimes reflected on the trials he and Lexie had gone through before marriage, he knew they'd emerged from them stronger as a couple. When he looked at Lexie now, he knew he had never cared for anyone as deeply. What he didn't know, what he couldn't know, was that the hardest days were yet to come.
Sixteen
We still haven't decided on a name for the baby," Lexie said.
It was an early evening in the second week of August; Lexie and Jeremy were sitting on the porch of their new home. Though they hadn't moved in yet, the workers had left for the day, and they were watching the water. Without a breeze, the water was flat and still, so mirrorlike that the whitewashed cypress trees on the far bank looked as if they were growing in opposite directions.
"I've decided to leave that up to you," Jeremy said. He was fanning himself with a copy of Sports Illustrated that he'd intended to read before realizing it had a better purpose on a hot summer night.
"You can't just leave it up to me. It's our baby. I want to hear what you think."
"I've told you what I think," Jeremy said. "You just didn't like it."
"I am not going to name our daughter Misty."
"Misty Marsh? How can you not like that?"
He'd suggested the name the week before as a joke. Lexie was so dismissive that he'd been pressing it ever since, if only to tease her.
"Well, I don't." Wearing shorts and a baggy T-shirt, she was flushed from the heat. Because her feet had begun to swell, Jeremy had dragged over an old bucket so she could prop them up.
"You don't think it has a nice ring to it?"
"No more than other plays on your last name. You might as well want to name her Smelly Marsh or Creepy Marsh."
"I was saving those for her brothers."
She laughed. "I'm sure they'd be forever grateful. But seriously, you don't have any ideas?"
"No. Like I told you, whatever you decide is fine."
"That's the problem. I haven't decided."
"You know what the problem is, right? You bought every baby name book out there. You gave yourself too many choices."
"I just want something that fits who she is."
"But that's the thing. No matter what we choose, it won't fit right away. No baby looks like Cindy or Jennifer; all babies look like Elmer Fudd."
"No, they don't. Babies are cute."
"But they look the same."
"No, they don't. And I'll warn you right up front that I'm going to be extremely disappointed in you if you can't pick our daughter out in the nursery."
"No reason to worry. They have name cards."
"Ha, ha," she said. "You're going to know what she looks like."
"Of course I will. She'll be the most beautiful baby in the history of North Carolina, with photographers from around the world snapping pictures and saying things like 'She's so lucky that she got her father's ears.' "
She laughed again. "And dimple."
"Right. Don't let me forget that."
She reached for his hand. "What about tomorrow? Are you excited?"
"I can't wait. I mean, the first sonogram was exciting, but this one... well, now we'll really get to see her."
"I'm glad you're going."
"Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss it. Sonograms are the best part about all this. I hope they print me a picture so I can show it off while bragging to my buddies."
"What buddies?"
"Didn't I tell you? Jed? Man, he just won't leave me alone, calling all the time, talking my ear off, going on and on."
"I think the heat's getting to you. Last I heard, Jed still hasn't said a word to you."
"Oh, that's right. But it doesn't matter. I still want a picture for me, so I can see how beautiful she is."
She raised an eyebrow. "So you're sure it's a girl now, too?"
"I think you've convinced me."
"What does that say about Doris?"
"It says that in a fifty-fifty proposition, she picked correctly. As would fifty percent of the population."
"Still a nonbeliever, huh?"
"I prefer the word skeptic."
"My dream man."
"That's right." Jeremy nodded. "Just keep telling yourself that, so I don't have to prove it."
Lexie shifted in the chair, suddenly uncomfortable. She winced before settling back into place. "What do you think about Rodney and Rachel getting married?"
"I'm in favor of marriage. I think it's a fine institution."
"You know what I mean. Do you think they're rushing into it?"
"Who are we to ask that question? I proposed after a few weeks; he's known her since he was a little kid. I'd say they should be asking that about us, not the other way around."
"I'm sure they still are, but that's not the point...."
"Wait," Jeremy said, "you think they're talking about us?"
"I'm sure they are. Lots of people talk about us."
"Really?"
"Duh," Lexie said, as if the answer were obvious. "It's a small town. That's what we do here. We sit around and talk about other people. We find out what's going on in their lives, share what we think, debate whether other folks are right or wrong, and solve their problems if we have to in the privacy of our own home. Of course, no one would ever admit to it, but we all do it. It's pretty much a way of life."
Jeremy considered what she was saying. "Do you think people are talking about us right now?"
"Absolutely." She shrugged. "Some are probably saying we got married because I was pregnant, others are saying you'll never last in this town, still others wonder how we could afford the house and surmise that we're probably in debt up to our eyeballs, unlike their frugal selves. Oh, they're talking all right and probably having a grand old time, too."
"This doesn't bother you?"
"Of course not," she said. "Why should I care? They wouldn't think of telling us they did, and they'll be nice as punch the next time we see them, so we'll never know. And besides, we're doing it, too. Which brings me back to Rodney and Rachel. Don't you think they're rushing it just a bit?"
In bed that night, Jeremy and Lexie were both reading. Jeremy had finally gotten to Sports Illustrated and was in the middle of a story on female volleyball players when Lexie set aside her book.
"Do you ever think about the future?" she asked.
"Sure," Jeremy answered, lowering the magazine. "Doesn't everyone?"
"What do you think it's going to be like?"
"For us? Or for the world?"
"I'm serious."
"So am I," Jeremy answered. "It's a different question entirely, one that opens up all sorts of different subjects. We could talk about global warming, or the lack thereof, in regard to the fate of mankind. Or whether or not God truly exists, and how people are judged when it comes to being admitted to heaven, which renders life on earth somewhat meaningless. You could be referring to the economy and how it will affect our own future, or even politics and how the next president might be the one who leads us to doom or prosperity. Or--"
She put her hand on his arm, cutting him off. "Are you always going to be like this?"
"Like what?"
"This. What you're doing. Being Mr. Precise. Or Mr. Literal. I wasn't asking so we could get into a deep philosophical discussion. I was just asking."
"I think we'll be happy," he ventured. "I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without you."
She squeezed his arm, as if satisfied. "I think that, too," she said. "But sometimes..."
Jeremy looked at her. "What?"
"I just wonder how we're going to do as parents. I worry about that sometimes."
"We'll be great," he said. "You'll be great."
"You say that, but how do we know? What if she ends up being one of those angry teenagers who dresses in black and does drugs and
sleeps around?"
"She won't."
"You can't say that."
"I can," Jeremy said. "She's going to be a wonderful girl. How can she not, with you as her mother?"
"You think it's simple, but it's not. Kids are people, too, and once they start getting older, they make their own decisions. There's only so much you can do."
"It all goes back to the upbringing...."
"Yes, but sometimes it doesn't matter what you do. We can put her in piano lessons and soccer, we can bring her to church every Sunday, we can send her to cotillion to learn her manners, and we can shower her with lots of love. But once she becomes a teenager... well, sometimes there's nothing you can do. With or without you, in the end, children grow up to become the people they were meant to be."
Jeremy thought about what she'd said, then pulled her closer. "Are you really worried about this?"
"No. But I think about it. Don't you?"
"Actually, I don't. Kids are supposed to become who they were meant to be. All parents can do is to do their best to lead them in the right direction."
"But what if that isn't enough? Doesn't that worry you?"
"No," he said. "She's going to be fine."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because she will," Jeremy said. "I know you and believe in you, and you're going to be a fantastic mother. And don't forget, I have written articles about the subject of nature and nurture. Both are important, but in the vast majority of cases, environment is a greater indicator of future behavior than anything genetic."
"But--"
"We'll do the best we can. And I'm sure she'll turn out okay."
Lexie thought about what he said. "You really wrote articles on the subject?"
"Not only that, I did in-depth research beforehand. I know what I'm talking about."
She smiled. "You're pretty smart," she said.
"Well..."
"Not about your conclusions, but what you just said. I don't care whether it's true or not, but it was exactly what I wanted to hear."
"That's the baby's heart, right there," the doctor said the next day, pointing at the fuzzy image on the computer monitor. "And those are the lungs and the spine."
Jeremy reached over and squeezed Lexie's hand on the examination table. They were at the OB-GYN's office in Washington, which Jeremy had to admit wasn't his favorite place. Granted, he was looking forward to seeing the baby again--the first grainy pictures from the sonogram were still hanging on the refrigerator--but the earlier sight of Lexie on the table with her legs in stirrups... well, it made him feel as if he were interrupting something better done in private.