Super Lizard Returns
by Chris Harvey
Copyright 2015 Chris Harvey
Foreword
After the challenge I set myself for National Short Story Week back in 2012 culminated in Super Lizard Beings I thought I would end up writing a one off story but it quickly became apparent that I really like the characters of Ropo and Tony. I find that focusing on pure comedy (although I know I do not achieve this) helps me de-stress and thus it is a very enjoyable process when writing about Super Lizard. When thinking of more short stories I could write I quickly put down many jokes and was able to build story ideas around them. The ease of getting plots together, along with a few people saying they would like to read more Super Lizard, has meant I decided to go ahead and write this set of four more Super Lizard short stories. I am rather proud of them and think they are quite funny. I hope you do too.
Sequins and Spandex
The shoulder length blond hair whipped up. Caught by the wind it quickly rippled and fell back into place.
“Get that blimming wig off!” Tony shouted, “you look like a drag queen. And can someone shut that door? It’s freezing in here.”
Tony looked round for the shop assistant, vague memories of smoking boots coming into his mind. He sighed and went to shut the door himself. A lot had happened since they had left the convenience store earlier that day. Mostly taxis screeching away at high speeds leaving a two hour walk to the next village. And there was that helicopter, it kept flying over them. Tony thought there must be some kind of emergency in a remote part of the Dales, probably a group of walkers had fallen into a pot hole and they could only evacuate a few at a time. It did hover over them quite a lot but they were probably just looking for directions.
The main thing was that they had made it to the aptly named ‘Sequins and Spandex’ fancy dress shop. Tony’s excitement for ill-fitting costumes was infectious and Ropo, he was technically off duty so to call him Super Lizard may jeopardise his superhero identity, had been carried along. Not literally, he’s a ten foot mutated lizard! There had been a marked difference in responses to Ropo since entering the fancy dress shop. Where others had run and screamed, generally shoppers here, of which there had been two, seemed more intent on congratulating him on an amazing costume. That had led to the accident. Tony had asked the shop keeper for some super hero costumes at which the shop keeper had intelligently decided that Ropo needed to remove his costume first. When Ropo looked confused the shop keeper, being a helpful sort of chap, decided he would aid in the removal of said costume. After spending a minute trying to wrench Ropo’s head off it was safe to say that the shop keeper had no head of his own. Or arms, or hands, or body, or legs, or feet come to think of it. No, all he now had to his name was a beautiful pair of boots with whiffs of smoke emanating from them that sat nicely on a scorched area of carpet. Ropo noted, not for the first time, that he needed to see a doctor about this layer eye thing. He also thought, whilst giving that ‘it wasn’t me gov’ shifty eye look, that none of these people were wearing boots when the laser beams hit them. Another conundrum he would solve later. Anyhow, that had done wonders for clearing the shop and presently Ropo and Tony had free reign of the costumes the shop had to offer.
Just as they were getting back into the search the crackling noise of the mega phone came again, “come out with your hands up and we can sort this whole mess out, we don’t want any trouble.”
Tony, turning to the door and misreading the situation completely, shouted irritably, “we’re not ready yet, give us a few more minutes.” He turned to Ropo, “their gonna love it when we get out, we’re gonna look fabulous.”
~
Time passed, it general does. After Ropo had managed to accidently rip Superman, Batman and Spiderman costumes due to his large size it was decided that a Jedi robe might be the best. It only went up to his knees but at least covered his modesty. Tony was more of a problem, however. Given the choice of a middle aged average height man or a ten foot lizard having problems finding a costume the safe money is on the lizard. The issues, however, stemmed from the fact that Tony, whilst not being extremely overweight, was far from thin. Rotund is probably the best describing word. It was not that Tony could not fit into any outfits, it was more the outfit he wanted. A bright red Morph suit.
As Tony strode out of the changing room Ropo’s first comment did not help the situation, “I can see your nipples!” There was a pause, Tony’s face said it all. Anger filled him like someone pouring water into an empty bucket, it started at the bottom of his chin, a line of red, suitably matching the Morph suit, raising quickly towards his forehead as if a thermometer had been thrown into a fire.
Tony snapped, “Well at least I don’t need a bath rode to hide my fat tail!”
“IT’S BIG BONED!” shouted Ropo as lasers shot from his eyes in a fit of rage.
For a large man Tony needs to be given some credit, like some kind of soothsayer that can see the future he read the situation perfectly and dived to his right narrowly missing one laser bolt whilst the other heading quickly through his legs. Safe to say it only just missed, alright men you can stop screwing your face up now. Oh and ladies, no man deserves that so don’t think it.
Time passed, but this time there was a man and a ten foot lizard sulking at different ends of a shop.
~
The loud speaker rang out again, “come on, we don’t have all day, it’s almost tea time!”
“2 minutes”, Tony shouted through the door he had slightly opened. He stood in a racoon onesie whilst Ropo chuckled to himself. “What’s up now? You can’t see my nipples can you?!” Tony retorted sarcastically.
“You look like Super Mario.”
“That’s a rather obscure reference for a ten foot lizard.”
“Radioactive waste works in strange ways.”
Silence. Ropo had found a classic conversation ender. They looked at each other for a minute not knowing exactly what to say. Tony broke the silence. “Come on, we need to stop this bickering. Let’s head out there and knock the socks of them.”
“I don’t want any violence.”
“Not literally, it’s a figure of speech.”
“Sorry”, said Ropo lowering his gaze, “I’m just not that good at all this conversational stuff.”
“It’s ok, no super hero and his side kick every started off smoothly. There needs to be some dysfunction between us, plus it adds to the mystery.”
“Ok”.
They went to step outside before Ropo pulled Tony back, “wait a second.” Tony turned, “you wanted a name. What are we going to call you?” Tony shrugged whilst Ropo thought, “What about Racoon Lad?”
“No”, said Tony calmly, “Not sure I like lad.” They stood in thought for a few more minutes.
The loud speaker buzzed, “It’s been two minutes and my tummy is starting to make some weird noises.”
“OK, were coming”, shouted Tony right in Ropo’s face. “Sorry, should have turned round.”
They then both turned as if to exit when Tony stopped and held a finger aloft. “Wait, I think I like the Super Mario thing, yes….Tanooki does have a certain ring.”
“What’s a Toonki?”
“So you know a Super Mario reference but you don’t know where it is from! Basically it’s a Japanese racoon dog type thing.”
“How do you know that?” said Ropo in awe and admiration, “Did you get covered in radioactive waste too?”
“Nope, misspent youth”, replied Tony, “you know it’s hard to get a girlfriend when you spend ten hours a day playing Super Mario.”
They paused and then turned together. They opened the door and took a meaningful step into the street. The ‘Sequins and Spandex’ sign shone above in l
ate afternoon light, well it would have but this was Yorkshire so there was largely cloud cover.
The heroes, no longer Ropo and Tony, now Super Lizard and Tanooki stood tall. Super Lizard taller than Tanooki, a lot taller. They stood in that super hero pose, fists clenched with knuckles at their wastes and chests pushed out. In front of them was a police car with two officers standing next to it, both with mouths wide open in what Super Lizard and Ropo hoped was shock and awe.
Tanooki spoke first, showing his superhero authority, “Shouldn’t there be more of you?” The officers just looked bemused. “I spose you have some questions.”
Slowly the hand of the one of the officers, who looked younger and far less experience than the other, was raised.
“Yes citizen”, stated Tanooki really getting into character.
The voice that returned was slow with confusion, the sort of confusion that makes you realise that the owner of the voice was confused by a great many things. “Why are you wearing a racoon suit?”
In a split second the palm of the other office hit his own face and a low grumble was heard. The face was revealed again and in frustration it said, “there’s a massive lizard standing a few feet away and you want to know why he is wearing a racoon suit!”
“You have to look at all the avenues if you want to be a detective.”
“Johnson, you will never be a detective.”
“How do you know that?”
“Cause last time you were exploring all the avenues you spend a whole day wandering around streets until some told you that they weren’t literally avenues.” The officer then addressed Super Lizard and Tanooki. “You’ll have to come with us, and I don’t want any funny business. It’s bad enough being stuck with him all day.”
“Do not worry citizen, we mean you no harm”, replied Tanooki.
“It’s not you I’m worried about!’
~
“So let me get this right, you two are super heroes”, Chief Inspector Langley peer over his small rectangular spectacles, “you want me to release files on all known criminals bent on world domination and install a flashing telephone with a direct line to…” Langley paused as he flipped the first page of the file over “…No. 7, Maple Drive, Walkworth.”
“Yes”, replied Tanooki politely.
“This is Yorkshire gentlemen, not Gotham City. I think you may have misread the situation.”
“Well, maybe that’s a little too much, but I am sure you could use a ten foot super strength laser beam shooting lizard and his tenacious side kick.”
“You think I am going to allow a man dressed as a racoon and the reptilian Obi-Wan Kenobi to…”
Super Lizard interrupted, rather politely, “Sorry but it is Super Lizard sir.”
Langley sighed, “I know”, he said with defeatist tones and sighed again. Langley continue, “I cannot justify placing two people without policing experience on the streets, we will get laughed at. Plus I hardly think Darth Raptor…” Super Lizard gave him a look, “…sorry, I mean Super Lizard, will be the crime fighter you expect. Yes there will be a few screams and people running scared the first couple of times but he’s too polite. When the…” Langley did the sarcastic speech marks sign with his fingers, “’criminal underbelly’ get used to him they will just realise that he is too polite to hit them. He will end up helping robberies by carrying the loot to give said robbers a rest. And for the laser thing…”
“Sorry about that”, said Super Lizard.
“There you go again, far too polite. Anyhow, no-one really liked PC Thompson, he had this strange smell and a worrying love for small China teapots, but realistically I should be trying you for murder now. It’s only the fact that I don’t want them turned on the rest of the force that I am taking a lenient view.”
“But…”, Tanooki started but was quickly interrupted by Langley.
“…and another thing, if you’re a super hero shouldn’t you have your face covered. Criminals will just laugh at a fat man in a racoon suit.”
“Oi”, Tanooki was getting a little mad but managed to keep it in check, he would need to save his rage for periods of heavy criminal activity, “I’m not that fat, anyway, it’s this suit, it adds a few pounds.”
“You do realise that if people can see your face they are likely to come round your house at night and take vengeance. I mean Maple Drive is a lovely neighbourhood but it isn’t exactly secure is it.”
“Please give us a chance,” Tanooki had resorting to pleading, this was his break, this was his opportunity and no jumped up Chief Inspector was going to take it away from him.
“I am sorry, I truly am”, replied Langley with as much conviction as a dead parrot that never learnt to talk, “we cannot risk it. Right, I think we have all we need here, you may leave. The Animal Welfare Office will be in touch in a few days, till then I think it would be best you keep Super Lizard out of sight.”
As Super Lizard went to move Tanooki just leant forward and stared right into Langley’s eyes. “No,” he said sternly, “I refuse to move until we can show our super hero credentials.”
Langley was shocked, no-one ever questioned him, he always had a way of getting what he wanted. He just stared back not knowing what to do. After a minute of the purest silence his bottom lip started to shake, thoughts ran through his mind, thoughts of rage, thoughts of pain, thoughts where a man not sitting too far from him was screaming for his life. No-one talked back to Langley, no-one, especially not a slightly overweight man dressed as an annoying rodent. The thing about Langley is that he is hard, he will take anyone in his way down and use violence if necessary. But he is also a clever man, a man who sees opportunity before opportunity has had a chance to see itself. At that moment PC Jones came into the room and dropped a file on Langley’s desk. “This is the latest information on that diamond robbery, sir.”
Tony’s mouth slowly changed to a smiled, he saw the opportunity too, well he saw an opportunity, not the same opportunity as Langley.
Langley, noticing the smile and quickly said, “well my boys, looks like your time has come, we’re really struggling with this case. Maybe you could use your super powers to help track down the criminals and give them a bit of what for. Jones, will you escort these people to the crime scene.”
“But sir, I am only delivering the file I’m not actually on the…” Jones stopped as Langley gave a loud cough and a wink. “Oh….erm….yeah…” returned Jones and then mouthed ‘where?’
Langley mouthed his reply, ‘anywhere!’
“Right lads”, said Jones, “come with me and we’ll get started.” With that Super Lizard and Tanooki got up and followed Jones out of Langley’s office.
They had barely taken a step out of the door when Langley’s voice was heard shouting, “Jones, a quick word.”
Jones stalled the two would be crime fighters, “Sorry guys, I’ll just be a minute.” He went back into the office, making sure to close the door behind him. “Yes sir”.
“Take them out the back way and make sure no-one sees that lizard.”
“Yes sir.”
“I don’t care where you take them but it better be miles from here.”
“Will do sir.”
Jones went to leave.
“Oh and Jones.”
“Yes sir.”
“I own you one.”
SUPER LIZARD AND TANOOKI WILL RETURN IN ‘A ROUGH IN THE DIAMOND’
A Rough in the Diamond
The closed sign hung on the inside of the door; it was the third straight day that Harmon & Sons’ Jewellers Ltd was closed. Inside Langley and Jones, now on the case for his good work, stared at a large empty display case that once contained a diamond. Small by our standards but large for a diamond, it was around two centimetres wide by one centimetre high and was worth nearly one million pounds.
Langley slowly shook his head; there were alarms on the building, cameras on the high street outside and the display case sent bells ringing if even the slightest pressur
e was placed on it. Further confusion was caused by the lack of finger prints, no sign of any smashed windows or broken doors and little evidence that the display case had been moved. They had looked at this crime for three whole days and still could not get a lead. They had pleaded to the public on TV and there were constant newspaper reports but still no-one seemed to know anything.
Their trance was broken by a loud knock at the door. Langley turned towards the noise, his face changed from puzzlement to despair, “on, no…not them!” Through the narrow glass door he could see a large man in a racoon suit and a very tall scaly brown figure in an ill-fitting robe. He knew who it was even thought the head was out of view.
“Shall I go out and get rid of them sir?” asked Jones.
“Would you mind?” replied Langley.
“Well…yes, but it’s my job.”
“Thanks Jones, sorry about this.”
~
As Jones stepped out of the door he was assaulted by flashing lights. A mob of people with cameras were taking pictures of the two would be heroes. Like so many people who have no understanding of the workings of the digital camera, most were using a flash despite it being broad daylight. Standing a few feet in front of the mob with chin pointed up and hands at hips in traditional heroes pose was Tanooki. Next to him, head flitting from side to side was Super Lizard, currently on the verge of a panic attack. He kept putting his hands to his eyes, like all animals he was clearly not liking the flash on a camera but unlike those in a zoo he did not have a handy ‘do not use a flash when photographing animals’ sign.
The mob started to cheer once Jones had come out. “Quiet down, quiet down,” he shouted.
The hubbub slowly decreased until only once voice was left. The woman in question was totally unaware of the situation, “then Jenny told Martha that Steve got wiv Bev. I know, I know. Bev didn’t though, Steve tried to kiss her but she wa havin none of it. Anyways Martha went round to Bev’s and…”
Jones, Tanooki and Super Lizard stared at each other. Mouths open.
“Young lady,” Jones said at the top of his voice.
“What?” came a reply from a mouth clearly full of chewing gum.
“This is a police matter, would you mind quietening down?”