“Ok…fair enough.”
Langley had had enough of this, they would be paying the bill, and attempting to make money might well keep them out of trouble for a while. “Right, you can go now,” with that he waved them away.
“So that’s it,” said Tanooki proudly, “another successful case solved by Super Lizard and Tanooki.”
“It’s the only case you have ever solved,” replied Langley. Despite wanting to get rid of them that statement had annoyed him.
“Ok then, the most fiendishly difficult case ever solved by Super Lizard and Tanooki.”
“But you haven’t solved another case.”
“So therefore it must be the most fiendishly difficult.”
“I am not having this argument.” And with that Langley got up and walked out of his office.
SUPER LIZARD AND TANOOKI WILL RETURN IN ‘THE TAKING OF YORK 456, MANDLEBURY POST OFFICE AND GENERAL STORES’
The Taking of York 456, Mandlebury Post Office and General Stores
Tony stared deep into her eyes; he had never seen anyone as beautiful as her, the brown shoulder length hair, large blue eyes and full red lips. In sweet tones he asked her the question he needed, no, he longed to, “do you want go large for an extra pound?” Things had not gone to plan, the super hero life would have to wait; they had bills to pay, rather large bills thanks to Super Lizard’s little fiasco. But deep down Tony knew the Police would need them soon, he could just feel it somehow.
~
Outside of the city, in the village of Mandlebury, Tony's dreams were taking shape. A crowd was gathering, all those who lived here and many from the neighbouring villages had rushed to the scene of the crime. Mandlebury Post Office and General Stores was under siege, well two people were holding Mrs Sutherby captive inside. The air was thick with excitement and gossip. Who was part of this most heinous of crimes? What did they want? How was this going to end? But most importantly, who would waste their time will a small Post Office and general stores when there was a big city twenty miles away and the bus links were fantastic? I mean you could get a return for £4.80. If you got off at one end of York you could rob a bank and catch the same bus at the other end of the city. You would be in and out in twenty minutes.
Mrs Barnes and Mrs Dale were two of the most generic, stereotypical old ladies you could come across. The type that only exist in soap operas and superhero stories like this one. They had it all, the rollers in their hair, the floral dress, the thick rimmed glasses and arms crossed to show they were hard to please at the best of times. As if the stereotypes were not clear enough, Mrs Dale had brought a wooden rolling pin along to make sure.
"I mean," Mrs Barnes said, shaking her head, "why Mandlebury?" Without waiting for a response she continued, "it’s the kids of today, they have no respect, we would never dare steal a Mars Bar let alone hold up a Post Office at gunpoint." There had been no mention of guns up to this point but, like the best gossipers out there, Mrs Barnes liked to add a little flare to the truth.
"I know," exclaimed Mrs Dale, "the crime rate today, it's going through the roof. Not even Mandlebury is safe now a days."
"You know who I feel sorry for?" Mrs Barnes asked. She had perfected the art of asking a question but not taking a breath before giving an answer, "Mrs Sutherby."
"Oh yes," Mrs Dale replied with gusto, unaware of why she should feel sorry for Mrs Sutherby who was in the middle of all the action. She was having all the fun whilst they were stuck out here in the cold. Mrs Dale knew, however, that in the world of gossip you agreed even if deep down you did not.
"Stuck in there at her age, she could have a heart attack at any minute," Mrs Barnes added.
"And she had her hip replaced last year, imagine they point a gun at her and tell her to get down on the ground. It would take her ten minutes."
"They would have shot her by then, they've probably done it already." A fantastic piece of gossip building on the comments made before, no guns mentioned and no shots heard being fired meant nothing to these two.
"I shudder to think. You know…"
Mrs Barnes held the position of Chief Gossip in Mandlebury but she could feel Mrs Dale making a push for the title so stepped in before she could continue. "The big question is," she said pursing her lips and drawing up to her full height, "where are The Police in all this?"
"We're standing next to you," said PC Robinson.
"They're here finally," Mrs Barnes gave the two officers next to her a scowl.
"We got here before you," PC Robinson replied, "it was the sound of our sirens that alerted you to the whole situation."
Mrs Barnes was corrected but the look on her face just said, 'a likely story, it's all lies.' She stood there staring for a good few minutes whilst PC Robinson looked in every direction but straight at her. "Erm, ok," he managed and she knew she had won.
PC Robinson turned to his side kick and immediately wished he hadn't. If you have not read about how Super Lizard and Tanooki got their names and costumes you probably have not come across PC Johnson before. How best can he be explained? He is like the orange juice in your milk, the rain on your picnic, the mud on your new shoes. Not meaning to ruin your day but unwittingly managing to do just that. Real police officers need to pass a stringent test but in stories any old person is allowed in the force. Much like Mrs Barnes and Mrs Dale, PC Johnson was simply employed to be a stereotype. The bumbling bobby, the simple minded fool.
At present he was holding a mega phone the wrong way round whilst trying to tell the assailants inside to come out. As per usual PC Robinson’s reaction was to bring his hand to his face in an activity known by some as a face palm. He had noticed that as PC Johnson's stupidity increased, the face palm got harder and harder. PC Robinson was pretty sure he was doing permanent damage to his own face but this was the only way he could express his feelings to his partner without using words longer than cat or dog, the sort of words that may confuse PC Johnson.
Hearing the noise of said face palm, PC Johnson turned towards his colleague. "This doesn't work," he exclaimed.
"That's because you're holding it the wrong way round."
"Oh yeah," PC Johnson replied in realisation, "it's making my voice quieter so I can't hear it."
PC Robinson shut his eyes and wished he was elsewhere. As he shook his head he realised that, for once, there was some logic in Johnson's reasoning, completely wrong and utterly stupid logic but it was logic none the less. You had to look at the positives when working with PC Johnson and Robinson had worked out there were few of those.
Without saying anything PC Robinson grabbed the mega phone and pressed the small button on the handle. "This is the Police, we don't want anyone to get hurt. It is nearing lunchtime and we are really rather hungry, if you could come out with your hands up, and preferably a sandwich, that would be much appreciated." The sympathy card never work but PC Robinson tried it all the same, he felt that if he played up to the stereotype of the Police sitting around eating doughnuts then maybe criminals would think they were just friendly community bobbies out of their depth instead of a simple minded fool and someone who had been doing this job for so long all he wanted was one easy day, just one.
~
Meanwhile, inside the Post Office and General Stores (you can imagine the Super Lizard logo spinning towards the screen and back again if it keeps you in the super hero mood) Mrs Sutherby sat back and slurped her cup of tea. Life was hectic with two sons and three grandchildren, it was nice to have a bit of peace of quiet for a change. It did not last long.
"They are calling us out Mum," Kevin said, "should we make our demands?"
"Not yet Kev," she replied, "I've seen lots of Police shows on TV, you need to make them wait. For once we're in control."
"But I'm bored," came a whiney voice from the crisp aisle, "you promised that I could see Super Lizard."
"All in good time sweetie." Mrs Sutherby did not consider herself a go getter, a strong person or particularly driven, b
ut one thing would make her move mountains, her family. They always came first. She was a stern mother who did right by her kids and relished the job of doting Grandma who would spoil her grandchildren rotten. When seven year old Toby had asked to see Super Lizard a plan had hatched in Mrs Sutherby's mind, a plan with many obstacles, many dangerous paths, many uncertainties. A plan, in fact, that forgot to take into account that if they had gone to the Police and asked for Super Lizard they would have handed him over and asked that when they were done they return him to the Lancashire Police Force instead. The War of the Roses may have ended some time ago, and Yorkshire and Lancashire may now be friends, but it is always good to get one up on the old enemy.
"But Grandma," Toby continued before being cut off.
"Why doesn't Daddy get you a lollipop while we wait?"
"Ok Grandma."
"Kevin, get Toby a lollipop please."
"Yes Mum," Kevin replied and went off to find a small sugary snack to keep his son amused. He found one that appeared to have no natural ingredients in it and thought that would probably do.
After giving it to Toby he heard a loud cough from the counter where his mother sat. "What?" he asked as he saw her holding her hand out.
"That will be fifty pence please."
"But Mum," you could see where Toby got the whinging from, "we are holding up the village store, surely we get a few perks."
"We are here for Toby, we are not common thugs. Do you want your son to grow up robbing banks and shooting people?"
"No Mum," Kevin conceded and fished around in his pocket for the right change.
~
Another Police car pulled up, sirens flashing but no sound being made. The small crowd parted to allow it to progress to the two officers staring at the Post Office and General Stores with no clue of what to do. A woman stepped out, "PC Robinson, PC," she paused, try not to say his name, she did not want to acknowledge his existence but she buckled, "Johnson. So what do we have here?"
"An elderly woman is being detained inside," PC Robinson said, "at least one male is in there but we have no idea if there are any more."
"Have they made any threats?"
"No"
"Demands?"
"No."
"Said anything?"
"No."
"Have you even tried to communicate with them?"
"Yes, but they won't say anything."
"So what else have we done?"
"Nothing, we're a bit stumped."
"Have you even tried knocking on the door?"
"No, they might have weapons."
"Did you bother asking them?"
"No."
"Come on guys, you haven't even put up any police tape."
"We didn't bring any."
"Was Johnson tasked with that?"
"How did you guess?"
"I did bring my sandwiches," Johnson decided to join the conversation. The others looked at each other which led to Johnson feeling he needed to explain, "well, my Mum says I might collapse if I don't eat and she complains that she takes the time to make them but I don't appreciate them so I wrote myself a special note and now I got em." He was rather too impressed with himself.
"Why did we employee him?" The female officer asked.
"We get a grant, it was get him and we could have cars or we all had to ride bikes."
"I'd happily trade my car for a unicycle. Anyway, let's get this sorted." She snatched the mega phone from Johnson. "Good morning, this is Sergeant Parker, we would like to resolve this problem quickly and without casualties. Do you have anything you would like to say?" There was silence, no sound came from the Post Office as the crowd waited with baited breath. After about five minutes Sergeant Parker continued, "I am going to put this mega phone down and walk to the door, I will then enter the Post Office and we can talk face to face."
Finally the captors spoke, "don't come close, we have a gun."
"I can't hear you through a shop window," Sergeant Parker said through the mega phone following the low mumbling sound.
A hand poked between a gap in a display about new pricing structures for large letters, it open a small window at the top of the shop front then disappeared. "I said don't come close, we have a gun." The hand then appeared once more waggling something yellow and shot back in.
"That's a banana," a forlorn look appeared upon on Sergeant Parker's face. She was clearly not dealing with professionals here.
"Sorry," the captor shouted. The hand appeared once again, this time shaking a small cylinder wrapped in purple foil.
"That's a chocolate bar, sir."
The hand appeared once more, "will this do?"
"Seriously, that is a cuddly toy."
They heard the captor say, in a loud whisper, "why did you give me that?"
"Right, I'm coming in."
"Wait a minute," the voice said and kept mumbling, "wait please" and "be with you soon."
The crowd were really getting into this, the hush was no more. Now every man and his dog was coming up with theories to explain what was happening inside. The only three not talking were Sergeant Parker and PC Robinson, who were staring at each other in disbelief, and PC Johnson who was extracting a rather dry and crusty blob of snot from his nose. Next to them they could hear Mrs Dale and Mrs Barnes putting the world to rights.
"I told you they had a gun," Mrs Barnes said with a knowing smirk across her face. It was a look of such pride, one someone who had just won Mastermind might have worn.
"A gun in Mandlebury, who'd have thought?" Mrs Dale said, wanting to add more but knowing her place in the village gossip hierarchy.
"You know what I blame?" Mrs Barnes ask rhetorically, keeping the smug expression on her face as if she were some scientist who had spent years researching the secrets of the universe and had found out their original theory was correct all along. "Them computer games, all that shooting and womanising."
"I know, our Dean was bought one for his birthday present last year and the next day he accidentally took his science text book home, it's starts with that and then before no time your robbing banks and bringing down governments."
Mrs Barnes stared back in confusion, she knew she should be annoyed but did not really understand what Mrs Dale was talking about so instead just said, "nothing good comes from them that's for sure."
By this time the hand was back, now it was holding a small plastic orange gun. "Nice try," Sergeant Parker said, "but that is a water pistol. I am getting rather fed up of this, I am coming in."
"Err....no....no," the voice said in nervous tones.
Mrs Sutherby saved the day, shouting rather loudly for a seventy two year old woman, "they do have a gun, but only one and it's pointing at me."
Sergeant Parker's face noticeably dropped, she did not believe there was a gun but they would have to take this seriously and play it safe.
"Ok," she said breathing in and trying to calm the rage building inside her. She raised the mega phone once more, "just tell us what you want and get this all over with."
Without hesitation the voice said, "Super Lizard, we want Super Lizard."
There was a collective gasp from the crowd and a collective feeling of dread from the Police. Well, all bar PC Johnson who was too busy trying to outstare a rather disinterested cat.
Sergeant Parker lowered the mega phone and turned to PC Robinson, "let's just get this over with, phone Super Lizard and get him here now, you've got the number?"
"Yes Sarge, what about the racoon guy? He will be at work."
"No, not him, I can't take being around him. He doesn't understand the concept of a female Police Officer."
PC Robinson got his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through the list of saved numbers, he got to Super Lizard and was tentatively about the press the glowing telephone button when a thought popped into his mind, "didn't the chief say there was no circumstance in which we were to call Super Lizard."
Sergeant Parker made a low buzzing noise like a sli
ghtly disgruntled bee as she considered this, "let's just keep this quiet, what Chief Inspector Langley doesn't know won't hurt him. We can confiscate the phones of anyone filming and it is not as if there are TV cameras here or anything."
A microphone appeared under her face, "hi, we're from ITV News, can you give any details on what is happening inside?"
"Oh, come on," Sergeant Parker screeched, "this is getting silly, what are we going to have next? The Queen dressed as a clown riding on a polar bear?"
Everyone stopped and looked around, they were hoping to see such a fabled sight. But nothing happened because that would be silly.
"Sarge?" Robinson asked, not knowing whether to make the call or not.
"Just phone him, then let Chief Inspector Langley know so he can prepare for the worst."
~
"And the Police are asking for Super Lizard, it's one of the demands," it was coming up to lunch time and the cues in the fast food restaurant were bulging towards the door. Usually quiet customers were gossiping about what was happening in Mandlebury. Phones were out and web pages refreshed to get the latest information. Gary, the Shift Manager, was asking everyone he served what they had heard. He knew Tony's background and thought maybe he could get in on the action, he could join the crime fighting duo and they could become the next X-Men.
He had heard enough, he would reveal the news to Tony. He could start off as their secret informer then move up the ranks to be their equal. As he turned he said, "Tony, have you heard this?" He looked and looked again, "Tony, where's Tony?"
~
The crowds were getting bigger, so much for keeping a low profile. Slowly they were beginning to part again. Sergeant Parker caught sight of some blue flashing lights, as it came closer she saw it was a Police van. He was here, now it was going to get interesting and not that good interesting when your team is one nil down with ten minutes to go and they bring on that new signing you have been waiting to see. More like the sort of interesting when you are watching a wedding cake falling to the ground as it has been knocked over only to realise that it was you that had done the knocking.
The van stopped and the side doors slide open, out stepped a ten foot lizard blinking in the dim sunlight.
"We need your help," Sergeant Parker said in an unintentionally dramatic tone, "and we need you to be quick."
"Oh good, I was halfway through peeling the potatoes when you called. You know how Tony likes his tea on the table when he gets home."