And yet I wasn't sure that I could do it. The look in Livia's eyes when I'd told her my plans still haunted me.
My hands began to shake, and with it, the sword quivered too. I closed my eyes, attempting to summon a depth of courage that I knew I did not possess.
Seeing my hesitation, Brutus took the moment to grab Crispus and pull him directly in front of his body. Crispus cried out, and when I opened my eyes, I saw him struggling to move away, but Brutus was keeping him in place.
"What if the sword misses?" Brutus shouted. "Now will you do it?"
No, of course I wouldn't. Immediately, I rotated my palms downward, and the sword fell with it, near my feet.
"Arrest the slave boy!" Probus ordered his guards.
"Wait!" Brutus thrust Crispus aside and spoke to the emperor, muttering words I couldn't hear. Crispus was kept on the outside of their close conversation, though I noticed him trying to speak as well. At one point, Brutus pointed back to Crispus, who shook his head and said a few more things, but the emperor nodded, obviously in favor of Brutus's proposal.
The guards surrounding Probus kept their place, but Crispus's curly blond head disappeared from my sight, so I gathered he had just been given orders to come through the tunnels into the arena where I stood. They wouldn't send guards to arrest me, wouldn't even send Praetors. Or at least, not the Praetors who were my enemies. They would send someone I had just proved I would never attack. I didn't have much time.
I raised the sword again, this time determined to do the thing I had come here to do. Brutus had to die. It was awful, yes, and I hated to be the one to do it, but he wasn't giving me any other choice.
Behind me, I heard the archers rise into position, ready to shoot me upon the emperor's orders. They worried me, but less than before. Brutus wanted me alive, and from his gestures, I knew he was trying to persuade the emperor to hold off on any orders until Crispus entered the arena. At that point, the arrows could be trained upon Crispus. They would tell me to lower the sword and save Crispus's life.
And I would give in, because I always gave in under such threats. So if I was going to use the sword, I had to do it now, then immediately get Crispus and myself out of here. I had to do this.
I couldn't do this.
But I had to.
Brutus was still in the imperial box, facing me with a smug, taunting grin. Either he believed he was safe, or he knew running would be futile. Both of us were about to find out which was true.
My upturned hands were shaking again, but not as much as before. I would just do it. Do what I had come here to do, and know that whatever burden of guilt and punishment followed this crime, at least Brutus would be dead.
Before I did, Crispus burst through a gate to my left, the same one in which gladiators usually made their entrances before the games. He waved at the archers behind us. "Do not shoot! I'm here."
He was here already? Had he somehow flown here or mastered the art of disappearing? Crispus gave a quick bow to the emperor, signaling his respect, and then faced me. His chest was visibly rising and falling. If he was out of breath, that could be explained by the speed with which he had entered the arena. It could also be that he was nervous to approach me now. He was here to carry out Brutus's plans, and we both knew it.
I took a step back. "Do not lay a hand on me. Not yet."
"Lower the sword, Nic. The archers are only waiting on orders to fire. You can't block all the arrows."
"I know that. Go back into the tunnels. You'll be safe there."
He inched closer and in a quieter voice said, "If you can disappear from here, then do it. I'll make it look like I'm trying to reach you but didn't get to you in time."
"What will happen to you if I do that?"
He shrugged without answering, but he didn't need to. I already knew. If Crispus let me escape in front of these fifty thousand Romans, embarrassing Brutus and the emperor, he would pay a terrible price. I turned my attention again to the sword.
"Disappear," Crispus said again. "If you use that sword, it will prove to this entire crowd that you are a traitor to Rome. The emperor will have no choice but to order your death."
"And what are his orders if I don't use the sword?"
"Maybe there is another way." Crispus addressed the emperor with another bow. "Look carefully," he said, loud enough to be heard in the imperial box. "The amulets you seek are no longer on his wrist or around his neck. Nicolas Calva has no value to the empire."
"This is a great idea," I muttered. "Convince the emperor to kill me. Can I at least use the sword first?"
Brutus hadn't seemed to notice the Malice and bulla were missing. Now he leaned over the emperor's balcony to study me more closely, his face reddening as he realized Crispus had spoken the truth.
"Where are they?" he shouted. "What have you done with them?"
"They're gone," I said. "Out of your reach." Which was only true in the sense that Livia and Aurelia were currently physically out of reach of Brutus's arm length.
"If there is any way to retrieve the amulets, you will find that out only if you allow Nic to live," Crispus said.
"Do not encourage him to find those amulets," I hissed. "Let them remain in hiding."
Crispus looked at me and then his eyes widened as he realized what I must have done with them. "How else can I save you?" He nearly mouthed the words, but I understood his meaning.
"You cannot." I felt the full weight of my words, and the consequences that seemed inevitable now. "Leave this arena, please. I can't shield us both." By now I probably couldn't even shield myself.
Crispus licked his lips, then started to back away. Not as far as I wanted, though, and he wasn't leaving the arena as he should have.
"I'm giving you your life back," I said to Crispus. "Go away!"
"I'm your friend," Crispus said. "I'll stay with you." He had no idea what his mother had asked of me.
Brutus was furious beyond reason. "Kill the slave boy! Send in the lions to rip his flesh, and that of his friend!"
I raised the sword higher, my eyes focused squarely on Brutus. He stared back at me, smug in his belief that I wouldn't do it. But I had good reason now. With Crispus in the arena, I had to protect his life before Brutus released those lions. I would carry no guilt away with me.
The instant the sword struck, I'd try to at least shield Crispus before the arrows flew. It was beyond foolish, but that was my plan. Brutus could duck, run, or try to protect himself. None of it would work. All I needed was a simple rotation of my hands.
Except that someone else caught my eye. Directly behind the emperor's box were the seats reserved for the vestals of Rome. All six women were there now, of varying age, and all of them dressed in the same white robes. But one woman was standing. It was the vestalis who had allowed Aurelia and me to take sanctuary in Caesar's temple, and the one who had helped me find the rock for the Jupiter Stone outside Diana's temple.
She was staring intently at me, her face etched with sadness and concern. The sword was in my control, and I was finally ready to use it. But under the stern gaze of the vestalis, I began to have doubts again. My hands had been raised, but now I lowered them for good, and the sword lowered too. She shook her head at me, a clear warning not to carry out my plans.
My heart pounded, and I was vaguely aware of Crispus moving toward me again, although I didn't hear anything he was saying.
"You're wrong!" I wanted to yell at her. Maybe she didn't know how evil Brutus was and how terrible things would get if I abandoned this plan. I wanted to believe that if I explained everything to her, I would make her understand why I was right, why killing Brutus was necessary.
But I'd never shout at someone like her, in anger or for any other reason. And I'd be a fool to believe I could ever be right and she wrong. But that didn't mean I had to be happy about the consequences of her being right.
The vestalis shook her head again, and I felt the magic fade from within me. The sword dropped back to the
sand, as useless now as a limp reed. I would not kill Brutus. I would not end this war. And I probably would not live long enough to regret either of those decisions.
"Listen carefully," I quietly said to Crispus. "Please get Livia and Aurelia safely to Britannia. They must bring the amulets with them and hide them there, burying them so deep they will never again be found. They cannot remain here in the empire."
"Disappear!" Crispus hissed. "You must leave or they will take you."
I glanced back at the vestalis, who had continued staring intently at me. I sighed, hoping I had not misread her thoughts. "Even if I could, that's not what I'm supposed to do."
Crispus cursed under his breath, then stepped forward again. "Emperor Probus, you have seen for yourself only the smallest part of Nicolas Calva's powers. If he had wanted to bring harm to Rome, he could've done it. But he has only added to the entertainment at these games. Reward him with his freedom."
Brutus leaned over and said something to the emperor that I could not hear. Probus shook his head, then gave a reply that Brutus clearly disliked. Finally, Probus waved his hand, gesturing that his decision was final.
Brutus turned, and though he was spitting out the words in his reluctance to have to say them, he announced to the crowd. "Tomorrow, Nicolas Calva will be tried for treason against the empire. He has been freed as a slave, but the emperor does not recognize his citizenship of Rome and the rights that would come with it. Yet in his mercy, Emperor Probus himself will sit in judgment of the boy. I will prosecute his case." His eyes darkened as he glared at me. "And I will see him executed."
"I will defend him!" Crispus shouted.
I looked at Crispus, trying not to let my fear show. "What experience do you have in criminal defense?"
"None." Crispus shrugged. "But it's better than nothing at all."
"Is it?" I asked. Somehow it seemed about the same as nothing at all.
Brutus looked at Crispus. "Caesar ordered you to put a hand on that boy. Do it, or I will."
Crispus turned to me, his eyes full of sadness. "Better me than him."
"It's all right," I said, stretching out my arm. "There isn't much magic left in me anyway."
"Whatever happens once they take you, don't fight," Crispus said. "Don't make this any worse for yourself."
"How could it be worse?" I asked. "Seriously, how could it get worse than this?"
"It will get worse," Crispus said. "What's coming is awful. I'm so sorry, Nic."
He put his hand on my arm, and though his touch had none of the anger or hatred in it that I usually felt from the Praetors, it had all their power. Magic emptied from my body, and with it the added strength and energy that I had become so dependent upon.
Other Praetors were headed toward us now. I readied myself for them as best as I could, but my heart was already pounding.
"Don't be sorry," I said to Crispus. "I did this to myself."
"I am sorry," he said. "I will do everything I can for you tomorrow, but I doubt it will be enough."
I already understood that, far more than I wished I did. He would do his best tomorrow to defend me at trial, but he would lose.
And I would die.
Right or wrong, I never should've listened to the vestalis.
The arrest happened quickly and, considering that I was not fighting back, seemed unnecessarily harsh. The Praetors surrounded me, pushing Crispus away from their circle. Everyone who could get a hand on me had done so, just to ensure I remained in their control. As they pulled me from the arena, I did everything I could to keep up, but so many feet were near mine, I eventually tripped and they took to dragging me, which was what they had clearly wanted in the first place.
The audience rained down their disapproval with loud boos, and some took to throwing loaves of bread or even rocks into the arena. At first I thought it was because they'd have rather seen me fight, rather seen more of what I could do with magic. But their chants were growing louder: "Free the slave, free the slave." Their demanding shouts followed me long after we had left the arena gates. Rome was a mob, perhaps, but they were a powerless mob today.
Crispus was somewhere behind us -- I heard him calling my name and shouting orders for the men to slow down, but he was entirely ignored.
The street was filling too -- those who had been in the stands were following us into the forum, wanting to see what happened to me there. I had expected they would take me into the same prison where Radulf had awaited his trial, but for better or worse, their plans were far more public.
They dragged me into the center of the forum, into the comitium, where the public sometimes gathered to vote or hear speeches delivered from the rostra. The rostra was a curved platform up seven or eight steps, and the speaker could address an audience from either side, depending on the size of the crowd. Marcus Antonius had eulogized Caesar's death from there, igniting the people's anger against his murder, a crime for which Atroxia had paid the price.
The senators met in the Curia Julia on my left, and Radulf's carcer was across from it. Other statues and columns decorated the area, a dense crowd of self-congratulatory trophies Rome built to itself.
Least of all to one side of the comitium was a fig tree, raised from the ground level and behind a short sitting wall. It must have had some significance, since they'd allowed it to remain here amongst the temples and marble floors, but I didn't know its story, nor did I care. All I knew was they were dragging me toward the tree very quickly, and someone was calling for chains to be brought. The Praetors pulled me face-first to the trunk, wrapping my arms around it and tying them with some rough cords. I didn't bother with fighting to get free; there were still far too many men for it to do any good. Beyond that, I was terrified by what was about to happen here. Brutus had threatened to expose me to the lions, letting them do with me as they wanted until I confessed where the amulets were. He would be no more merciful now. And I could never tell him where the amulets were. Never.
Crispus pushed forward through the crowd of Praetors and put his back to mine to stop anyone else from coming closer. "Nobody will harm him!" he shouted. "He's a Roman citizen now. Decimas Brutus has no authority to order any punishment until after a trial!"
"But I do." The entire crowd immediately fell to their knees, including Crispus. At least one Praetor behind the tree still kept a hand on my arm, but at least they had gone quiet. Because of how my arms were tied, I couldn't kneel and could only barely turn enough to see Emperor Probus. It wasn't worth the effort, though. He had just claimed authority to punish me any way he wanted. And I had no doubt that Decimas Brutus was whispering into his ear the very nature of that punishment.
Crispus was no longer at my back, and I craned my neck enough to see him fall again to his knees at Probus's feet. He kissed the hem of the emperor's purple toga, then said, "Hail Caesar."
"You've already stated your arguments on behalf of this boy." Probus spoke to Crispus in a respectful tone, but without yielding any authority. "And tomorrow you will have the chance to present them at trial."
"Tomorrow, I will argue for his innocence," Crispus said. "If you find him guilty, punish him then. But today, I ask for both your mercy and justice -- he's not yet been tried."
Standing beside the emperor, Brutus showed less respect in the tone of his voice. "Whatever treatment Nicolas receives now is not a punishment. It is to force him to reveal the location of two amulets that belong to the gods. They must be given to the empire."
"If I did, how would you use them?" I asked. "Tell the emperor why you want my magic!"
Only a moment passed before Brutus said, "For the glory of Rome, and for the gods we serve, naturally."
His lies were coated in honey, smooth enough to make Probus swallow them whole. Brutus only served Diana, and her intentions for the empire had nothing to do with its glory. But I also knew that Brutus wouldn't volunteer that information to the emperor.
I heard footsteps on the grass and turned again enough to see Pro
bus behind me. I lowered my eyes in respect, but looked up, sooner than I should have, curious as to what would happen next.
He pulled my tunic down enough to look at the Divine Star on my shoulder. His finger ran along the scar. I felt the touch and flinched, but he gave me none of the pain that Brutus did. This man had no hatred of me or wish to control me. But I did sense his concern for what harm I might bring to the empire.
"This is what gives you the ability to do magic?" he asked.
I nodded.
"The bulla, and the Malice of Mars, these contain the magic of the gods, yes? More powerful than what this scar alone can do?"
Again, I nodded.
"Where are they? I wish to examine these amulets."
I stared forward without responding. My heart was pounding, though, as if it wanted to scream out the answers. I would be screaming soon, no doubt.
Probus raised his voice, just to be sure I had heard. "Where are the amulets, Nicolas? If you truly intend no harm against the empire, then you should be glad to show them to me."
Should I be glad? Knowing full well that Brutus wanted those amulets in his hands so he could force me to use them in service of the Mistress and Diana. If I confessed their whereabouts, within the hour, Aurelia and Livia would be arrested on charges of treason, just as I was now charged. With all of that on my mind, did he really think I should be glad to obey any of his orders?
I only shook my head at his request. Now they could add refusing a direct command of the emperor to my list of crimes. I would pay for this.
The emperor made some sort of gesture that I couldn't see, and then walked away. Other footsteps echoed behind me, and this time I made no effort to turn and look. I lacked the courage to do it and only knotted my fingers together, hoping to stay strong for as long as I could.
A whip snapped in the air, echoing against the many marble walls in the forum. Brutus chuckled and said, "Hear that, Nicolas? The sound will be even worse when it hits your back. Unless you tell the emperor where you've hidden the amulets."