—Christ where have you been come in, I’m on the phone.
—I just got out of the hosp . . .
—What . . .?
—Out of the hos . . .
—Look I’m not trying to rewrite the God damn agreement, I just asked if it would be convenient for me to come up and see him tomorrow afternoon instead of today, I’ve been . . . no I know he does but . . . Not used to what . . .? No now wait listen, do you think you’re granting me a privilege letting me see my own son? Do you ex . . . all right why shouldn’t he have told you where we’d been, she’s a perfectly nice woman who . . . he what . . .? Look of course I never told him if I marry somebody else now and have more children that you’ll get them too, now . . . Because I’ve been helping her clean up some of the details on Schramm’s estate that’s why! She’s a perfectly ni . . . No, where . . . no I don’t, look if he wanted it why didn’t you just take it like you took everything el . . . yes Bruckner and the double God damn boiler I know it! Look if I find his crèche I’ll bring it up whenever I . . . Well Christ I know he wants it there for Christmas don’t I? What . . . because that’s what the God damn court order says doesn’t it? that we all have to spend Christmas together doesn’t it? Now listen is David there? can I . . . Well can’t you call him in for a minute . . .? All right! Look will you just tell me what time to call so I can . . . Because I won’t be at this number no, I just came up here to straighten some things out and get my papers as soon as this delivery service gets here to . . . well can you just tell him I called? I’ll try later if . . . all right I’ll just keep trying! Goodbye! Christ . . .!
—But Mister Eigen who . . .
—Bitch.
—Yes but I mean who, who’s that man in there staring at me and that, that Chinese girl sitting on the box with the . . .
—Well who the hell is she! She came in from Hong Kong with a shipment of sweaters for that company of yours no return ticket no papers she can’t even speak English, Immigration’s sending somebody up to take her in as an illegal alien I mean do you know what’s been going on here Bast? U S marshals postal inspectors IRS agents arguing jurisdiction over every scrap of paper I haven’t been able to take anything of mine out till right now, valuable manuscripts all over the place just lucky as hell they didn’t all go up in smoke these God damn matchbooks of yours dumped everyplace look at them! Five summonses from the fire department they brought in the public health people took one look in the refrigerator and . . .
—Yes but, well they’re not really mine the matches I mean, they . . .
— They’ve got this God damn J R thing all over them same company you’ve been working for isn’t it? He’s been calling here too hardly hear him look get the corner of this box here will you? Just push it past the tub there, sounded like he said he had a cold couldn’t meet you but he got some school to mail you a check you expected asked if you’re mad and what the hell happened to you no wait, push it a little further so I can tape it closed can you? Lawyers reporters executive placement agencies civil liberties union some drunk general somebody trying to reach you I mean do you know what’s been going on here Bast? Indian legal aid fund, some God damn television talk show civil beautification committee in some town where you painted their water tower want you at their award banquet? Somebody named Crawley who keeps calling and the phone company, I mean do you know this God damn phone bill’s over eleven thousand dollars?
—No but wait, wait this Mister Crawley was it about a check he . . .
—Just said some slides he lent you sounds affronted as hell you haven’t returned them look hand me that folder on the tub, finally found it stuffed under some boxes I’m not going to look no the one with stains all over it listen, where you going from here are you in a hurry?
—Well, no well no place exactly no I just came up to see if my . . .
—Fine then look there’s something you can do, can you just get Freddie where he’s supposed to go as soon as I get this call? There was an ad in the paper his sister’s been looking for him for Christ knows how long I’ve got an attorney checking the details how, I’m just waiting for him to call me back I’d do it myself but I’m waiting for this messenger service to, help me get this box up here will you?
—Well yes but I mean who’s, is that Freddie in there on the . . .
—Yes he’s fine look there’s nothing to worry about, once we got the bulb out of that lamp flickering on and off in there he thought it was his mother sending him messages, just hold this closed while I tie it can you? Been fine ever since they shot the God damn radio didn’t even bother him when the Jones boys had a fire in their clubhouse down there, the only thing that’s upset him was the drowned cat they found in the tub when they came in to turn off the water look, can you pull that box out while I hold back these film cans? This pain I’ve been getting it starts here and goes right down to my knee I don’t want to make it any worse.
—Well yes but, I mean Freddie where did he come from who . . .
—Pull it out a little further can you? Jack brought him in here out of the rain one day knew him in boarding school, he’s been here ever since can you hand me that roll of tape? They found a practice golf course someplace it’s laid out all over those books and boxes in there, Jack’s been teaching him golf eating these freeze-dried chicken Marengos drinking that God damn grape drink I just want to get him back safe to his family before Jack starts wait, just hold this down so I can tape it closed and, who . . .
—Yes but where’s Mister Gib . . .
—Ello . . .?
—Good God, who . . .
—Is Mister Grinspan ere? General Motor ave buy im a . . .
—He’s not no but come in, come . . .
—I ave a busy schedule. Wen e’s ere?
—Look he’s not here he’s gone he’s dead but come in, I . . .
—E’s dead? That’s not nice no, I don do that. Goodbye . . .
—Good, God where did she come from . . .
—I don’t know but I mean what happened to Mister Gryn . . .
—Too much damn trouble Jack just fixed up a nice obituary on him and look, hand me that box on the tub maybe we can get these into it, Britannica finally caught up with him worked his way through up there selling them for twenty dollars a set Jack had us taking turns on his exams to get him through with a summa they’ve been after him for twenty years finally just more God damn trouble than he was worth, Edison Company finds the meter bypass wants him on fraud the IRS shows up with his track winnings list as long as your arm some old woman after him for a concentration camp reunion, even had the Connecticut State Highway Department building a road they stumbled on a family grave wait look out, let me get the phone maybe the call I’ve been, hello . . .? Yes, yes fine . . . fine yes there’s somebody here now who can bring him right down, did she say whether . . . Sitting in there peaceful as can be look there wasn’t any violence just grabbed the inspector’s gun when they broke off the Minuet in G for an aspirin commercial fired it down there till the thing finally . . . that’s what I mean once he’s in his sister’s custody yes, he . . . Right now yes somebody here who can bring him right down, hold on a minute. Look can you take Freddie down there right now? Somplace in the Seventies . . .
—Well yes well as soon as I see if there’s a letter for me I . . .
—Look back there in Appletons’, GRIN-LOC Volume three Jack said he’d put some there. Hello? Fine yes, just picking up his mail here and they can get started, now what . . . I’ll tell him that yes now what about this matter I called you on earlier, the . . . to sue him and this Walldecker too yes, look this is the way I reconstruct it. I gave a copy of my play to this young man Gall to read just to read, instead he sold it to this company Angels West for fifteen hundred dollars worth of their stock and they sold it to Angels East for a hundred thousand in stock that showed up as a ninety-eight thousand five hundred dollar profit on their books, when the . . . because no they’re both Walldecker that’s the point, Angel
s East and Angels West are both Walldecker and when he . . . No but it was produced that’s the God damn point! ran for three days it was sold out and the backers suddenly stepped in and closed it without any explan . . . Wait no what do you mean a misdemeanor, they . . . No for defamation punitive damages anything you can think of all of them yes, the backers all of them and listen there’s something else, I . . . No, no this is an ad in today’s paper for a concert by some rock group called Baby Jeeter and the Three Wide Men, I . . . no it’s Jeeter, Jeeter and I want an injunction to make them stop using that name I don’t know how the hell they . . . Because they have no right to it’s mine! I . . . it’s not registered in my name no but it’s, look it has personal associations it’s mine and my son’s and I won’t let it be dragged through the . . . who my son? Look God damn it he’s four years old how could he have a rock group he can’t even . . . the same one yes David the only one I have that reminds me yes, when am I supposed to get these Letters of Guardianship I thought . . . No record of what . . .? No, no I sent the estate a check for sixty-eight dollars the next morning, if there’s no record of one from Mister Gibbs he probably never sent it he’s, look I’d better just give it to you myself God knows when he’ll be able to, he’s got the IRS after him on some stock he gave his ex-wife in a settlement when she . . . didn’t have any idea no he thought it might be worth a few hundred a few thousand, it was just a token severance he got from some small family company he’d worked for once, turned out they’d been putting all their earnings back into the company ever since. When he handed it over in this alimony settlement the IRS stepped in and figured his long-term capital gains tax around twenty-eight thousand dollars he’s never seen a God damn penny of the . . . yes I know it but . . . He’s here yes but he can’t come to the phone, he’s . . . Look it wouldn’t do any good anyhow! I just had to lend him twenty dollars to buy his daughter a pair of boots when he sees her this afternoon he can’t even . . . Yes of course I’m aware you’re attorney of record for the estate Mister Beamish but . . . in granite yes I know it was expen . . . I know she’s upset yes I don’t blame her either, we talked about it at breakfast this morn . . . what letter, from Arlington? No, no just that piece in the paper that called the epitaph a desecration to all who fought and lie buried in these hallowed . . . Well they can’t prosecute him for that can they? He was named an executor in the will he says he was just carrying out what Schramm would have . . . All right look I’ll talk to her again this evening, I think we can straighten it out before you leave for . . . what on that tobacco stock? I think she’s decided to hold onto the whole thing yes, of course she’s delighted at the remarkable recovery it made I’ll talk to you tomorrow then, good . . . I wrote it down yes thanks for taking care of it, goodbye. Bast? find your mail?
—Yes but, but who’s that back in the . . .
—Christ will you get away from that window!
—Yes but what happened back there who’s, everything’s covered with . . .
—What does it look like happened, the old man slammed the door brought down half the God damn ceiling when he look, look those papers jammed in with the paper bags right under your those yes, yes is that my, no, no Christ what a mess he must have jammed them back there himself here just just throw them wait, that box two-ply facial no right on the sink there, is it empty? Just throw them in that he might still want to keep them, hardly make out what the hell he ever thought he was trying to wait, wait where are you going . . .
—I think I just saw Mister Gibbs with somebody back there in Schramm, in the back apartment I have something to . . .
—Well God damn it I just told you didn’t I? We just got him quieted down back there, portrait he’s been trying to finish for years the old man knocked on the door one night he dragged him inside made him sit for it day and night fed him on boiled potatoes till it was done the old man just broke out, plaster in the wet paint we just got him quieted down Jack’s in there reading him Broch’s Sleepwalkers, been on page thirty-five for two hours if you go in he’ll start the whole God damn thing again grab you and shout look! if you could have seen what I saw there! Listen they’re waiting for you to bring Freddie, got your mail now . . .
—No but I have to tell Mister Gibbs something there’s somebody waiting for him, a woman she’s waiting for him downstairs in a cab she . . .
—Christ how did she, I mean do you know her too?
—Yes well she’s . . .
—All right I’ll tell him, I’ll tell him now will you . . .
—No but if he doesn’t come down I know she’ll . . .
—Look I know all about it I’ll tell him! Now . . .
—But why doesn’t . . .
—Because he had some more blood tests they told him he’d live another fifty God damn years that’s why! told him what had sent his white count through the roof and everything else was all this penicillin he’d taken for his throat when she finally called he wouldn’t speak to her, heard her voice he pretended he was an old black retainer yas’m, yas’m, dat ole Mistah Gibbs he a genuine rascal to play de ladies so, say he clear out to a place yonder call Burmesquik set him up a little factory there hasn’t answered the God damn phone since now look, here’s the address it’s his sister Mrs, where the hell’s that ad . . .
—But I mean I still don’t under . . .
—Look Bast you don’t have to understand nobody expects you to! What you just threw in that box on the sink nobody expects you to know what it cost him, nobody expects you to see what he saw there all these papers, these boxes what we saw here that painting back there it’s magnificent, the way it looks right now it’s still magnificent he’s down on his knees picking plaster out of it nobody expects you to see what he saw there! what Jack saw, what Schramm . . .
—Mister Eigen?
—Any of us! because you’re just a young . . .
—Can you cash a check? I’ve got one here for four hundred dollars I’m not sure it’s any good, one from Ascap for twenty-six fifty, one from a school for a dollar fifty-two and this torn one from Texas Gulf for fifteen cents. We need carfare.
—Christ just, here take this and wait here’s the address, Mrs Cutler she’s told the doorman to expect you, Mrs Richard Cutler here, address like that they might give you a tip. Freddie? Let’s go, this young man is taking you down to your sister’s she’s waiting for you . . .
—And some papers, I put down some papers when I . . .
—Well Christ what do they look like.
—They don’t look like anything Mister Eigen, just a lot of papers with crayon . . .
—Wait look under the, those?
—Yes, yes here they are look. They don’t really look like anything do they.
—Yes fine, now . . .
—A lot of, like a lot of chickentracks don’t they, look. I mean it’s all still just what I hear there isn’t it.
—Fine yes! now . . .
—I mean until a performer hears what I hear and can make other people hear what he hears it’s just trash isn’t it Mister Eigen, it’s just trash like everything in this place everything you and Mister Gibbs and Mister Schramm all of you saw here it’s just trash!
—Listen will you, God damn it will you just go do what you have to and . . .
—That’s what I’m doing yes! Yes and, tell Mister Gibbs . . .
—I’ll tell him . . .! he bent with a twinge to lift Wise Potato Chips Hoppin’ With Flavor! to the tub, stood there staring inside before he tied and then closed another box flap on the marionette in a tangle of strings, a laceless red sneaker, an arm lofting a bugle, legless sheep and the Virgin cropped in wild surmise muttering—bastards, young bastards . . . reached for the tape, turned for the phone—God damn it, hello? Yes wait a minute . . . and dropped it dangling on 24-One Pint Mazola New Improved.—Yes . . .?
—Immigration, is this . . .
—She’s right in there . . . he pressed back against Mazola New Improved for the brisk passage of serge.
> ——finally got you boy I mean holy shit where did you . . .
—Eigen?
—What? Yes what . . .
—Dumor Delivery, you the party called for a pickup?
—Finally got here yes, look . . .
—Holy, wait a minute buddy I can’t take all this in my . . .
—Look I’m not buddy I’m not a party nobody asked you to! Just these boxes here and this pile on the tub they go to East Sixty-fourth Street here, care of Schramm here’s the address on the top one I’ll meet you down there wait, wait hand me that folder, I’m not going to lose it now . . . and he pulled aside 500 Novelty Rolls 1-Ply White for the constraint of nylon passing with the taut scorn of eyes gone under a fall of black hair, of serge to the floor crushing matchbooks, gray squares of film in perforated sequence, glass squares of stripes in flight.
——ca’s all about like what we have to protect and how we’re always going around helping everybody out and how they should do everything like us and all you know? but I mean would you ever think he would of actually wrote to me himself hey . . .?
—Mind if I take some matches buddy? I’m . . .
—Take one take a thousand, Christ. Do you need toilet paper too?
—Now wait a . . .
—Look just do what you’re paid for will you? God damn it can’t, why can’t people just shut up and do what they’re paid for! I’ll meet you down there.
——for all these here letters and offers I been getting because I mean like remember this here book that time where they wanted me to write about success and like free enterprise and all hey? And like remember where I read you on the train that time where there was this big groundswill about leading this here parade and entering public life and all? So I mean listen I got this neat idea hey, you listening? Hey? You listening . . .?
WILLIAM GADDIS (1922–98) stands among the greatest American writers of the twentieth century. The winner of two National Book Awards (for J R [1976] and A Frolic of His Own [1995]), as well as a MacArthur Genius Award, a Lannan Lifetime Achievement Award, and grants from the Guggenheim Foundation and the National Endowment for the Arts, he wrote five novels during his lifetime, including Carpenter’s Gothic (1985), Agapē Agape (published posthumously in 2002), and his early masterpiece The Recognitions (1955). He is loved and admired for his stylistic innovations, his unforgettable characters, his pervasive humor, and the breadth of his intellect and vision.