Chapter 21
I awoke with a start to the sounds of painful howling, a sound familiar enough to send shivers down my spine. Still drowsy and confused, I looked around at my companions to make sure they were all safe. The sky was the hazy blue-grey of twilight, and I was thankful to be able to see everyone's faces once again.
Wagna still slept with deep rhythmic breaths. Isrelda had propped himself up on one elbow and looked around with groggy eyes, clearly having been woken up by the sound as well. Jalya still sat at the back, peering intensely through the opening. Oches sat next to her and in my daze I wondered briefly why he wasn't sleeping. My head hurt pretty badly, but my fear of the chilling sound overshadowed my discomfort for the moment.
"Is something out there?" I asked, trying not to let my voice rise into a panic.
"Nothing that I can see," she said.
"Jalya!" Reyla called from the front.
"Nothing here!" she shouted back.
Oches crawled to the front and the three men looked about and talked amongst themselves quietly. It was only then that I noticed that we weren't moving. The wagon lay motionless on a pathway that snaked through a large grassy field. Fog hung from the sky, reaching all the way down to touch the blades of grass, and leaving beads of dew to sparkle on their tips.
I leaned forward so that I could see what lay before us through the front of the wagon. There were no more trees to peer through and the sky stretched out endlessly before me. I turned my head to look back and forth to both ends of the panorama, and my head ached more and more with each motion. The pain, however, made me even more determined to see through the fog. Was he out there somewhere, but I just couldn't see him? I strained my eyes painfully in every direction, but saw nothing but grass and mist. Oches annoyingly blocked my view for a moment, as he returned from the front to sit with us again.
"Doesn't seem to be anything out there," he said, "but it's probably best that we get on our way now. The horses have rested for long enough."
The horses started up just then and I briefly closed my eyes against the pain induced by the jostling cart. When I opened them, I was startled by what I saw. Up ahead, through the mist was the outline of a large object....a building, it looked like. The sight of it made my head lurch and I suddenly became very aware of the pulling sensation that had been growing on my left side since I awoke. He was here somewhere, nearby, but where?
"What is that up there?" I croaked, trying to hold myself down on the floor of the wagon.
Oches turned to look where I was pointing. "That's Lock Up," he said. "Big, isn't it?"
I nodded carefully. It wasn't just big; there was really no word to describe the enormity of what lay ahead of us. The building sprawled across the field, nearly taking up the full range of view that I had through the front of the wagon. I crawled up to the opening and peered out to get a better look. I could see the river up ahead, turning back in our direction to meet up with the building and run alongside of it. And then I saw the bridge to the other side. Was he still over there...on that side?
"Get back in there, Emerin," Kahj said from his seat behind Vella. "You're going to fall out."
'Jump out is more like it,' I thought, since that was all I could think about doing at the moment. I backed up a little, but still stayed close enough to see the monstrosity that covered the land ahead. In all my life I had never seen anything that big, except for a mountain. And that's what it looked like: a wooden mountain that had sprung up out of this vast plain. And all I wanted to do was run toward it; thankfully that's what we were doing right now.
Each trot of the horses’ hooves down the path caused pain to reverberate through my head, but exhilarated me at the same time. I couldn't have run there faster if I'd wanted to. The incredible pull beckoned me and I would finally be able to answer its call. And with the bridge up ahead, there was nowhere that I could not go. I closed my eyes and let the cold breeze wash over my glowing skin. This time would be different...this time I would find him.
Through the excitement of my thoughts, I could hear another noise, one that I paid barely any attention to. A low moaning sound grew from behind me, and though it didn't interest me in my current state, I could hear the others responding to it dramatically.
"Wagna," Jalya said. Her words seemed as though they were muffled through a pillow. Another moan came in response. Was Wagna awake? I wanted to go and check on him, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the bridge...soon we'd be there...soon I would find him. I could hear Jalya, Oches and Isrelda talking behind me, and then increasingly, Wagna's voice began to participate.
"Isrelda, how are you old friend?" I heard him say through my stupor.
"Very well," Isrelda answered. "Don't try to move too fast Wagna, your body is weak."
I heard some shuffling around and then the sound of a body slumping back to the wagon floor.
"Damn, what the hell happened?" Wagna said, his speech slurred.
I wanted to turn around, to see what was happening. I knew that I should go talk to Wagna, and see how he was feeling, but I couldn't. I couldn't take my eyes off the bridge, and the enormous building that now loomed before us. As the mist cleared from before it, I could see its wooden walls, pillars of huge trees creating sections that came together in a motley collection of rooms. It was almost like it hadn't all been built at once, but had pieces added to it over the years, perhaps to house a growing community of criminals and misfits. My breath caught in my throat. How close had I come to being behind those walls myself?
"Emerin!" Jalya's voice rang in my ears, disturbing my thoughts. I knew it wouldn't be long before my disinterest was noticed. I wrenched my eyes away and forced myself to turn toward her. I saw that Wagna was sleeping once again, or at least his eyes were closed.
"Is he okay?" I asked, nodding toward Wagna's still body.
"Oh, he be fine," Isrelda said. "He just need to rest is all. Body weak. Be a while before he up and using his sword again." He chuckled as he looked at his friend. "Never thought I'd see him so helpless. He gonna hate this when he wake up."
I forced my eyes to stare at Isrelda, to pay attention to what he was saying, but it only partly sunk in. It was physically painful to look in their direction; it took everything I had to keep my neck from snapping back around.
Jalya scrutinized me intensely. "Why don't you come and sit back here with us, Emerin?" she said. Her eyes and her tone indicated that she could clearly see through my forced interest.
"No, I'm fine here, Jalya," I said, trying to keep my tone even. "I want to see this building. It's so weird and huge."
"Well, I want to see it too," she insisted. "How about you come back here and keep watch for a few minutes so that I can look at it."
I saw what she was trying to do, and it was brilliant. I'd look suspicious or at least like a horrible friend if I said no to her seemingly simple request. Meanwhile she would keep me safe in the back, where I couldn't make a run for it. I gritted my teeth and rocked on my heels, trying to think of a way to get out of the situation, but I could not. My head hurt too much to think. I had almost given up and resigned myself to a painful crawl to the back of the wagon, when Oches chimed in.
"Go ahead up, Jalya," he said. "You can both look. I'll keep watch back here. I've seen that ugly thing enough times already." She looked at him, clearly trying to mask her irritation. He smiled at her. "Go on, it's fine."
Jalya turned back toward me, letting the mask of friendliness drop and the glare shine through. I didn't care though, because I could now give in to my craving and turn around once again. The relief was amazing. Jalya sat beside me and grabbed onto my wrist, hard.
"It's pretty bad, isn't it?" she said in a low tone.
"Much like the last time."
"You going to be alright, or you think you'll run for it?"
"It seems alright for now, since we're going the right way. But I don't know Jalya. I can never really be sure."
Jalya sat quietly f
or a moment, seemingly absorbed in her thoughts. "Maybe we should tell them," she mused.
I snapped my head around toward her, hard enough to cause renewed throbbing. "What, about me?" I whispered, trying to keep my voice lower than the trotting of the horses and the wind. "Are you crazy? We don't know if we can trust them."
"Well, you told Wagna."
"That was different. He guessed...and...well, he's different. I knew I could trust him. It was a gut feeling."
"Well, I have a feeling that I can trust Oches."
"What? You barely even know Oches." I cradled my head in my hands, hoping that what I was suspecting wasn't the truth. "You don't have some kind of thing for him now too, do you?"
"Well...I don't know..." she said with a half-smile.
"Sheesh." I turned and looked back toward the ever growing immensity of Lock Up. I couldn't have this conversation now. Why did she have to fall for every moderately attractive guy within her line of vision?
"Wow, can you believe the size of that thing?" Jalya said, elevating her voice to a more regular volume.
"They like to put just about everybody in there now; they gotta make it big," Kahj said. I looked to Reyla with sympathy. He stared straight ahead at the pathway, hands gripping the reins.
We were almost there and my excitement grew. I grasped the wooden slats that ran under me, twisting my fingers around them so tightly that I thought they might snap. Jalya's hand never left my wrist, and I wondered if I would have a bruise there later, but I didn't care. Each second brought me closer, each trot of the horse's hooves, each gust of wind, each throb of my head, each wrenching jerk of my soul. I smiled like an idiot into the wind, happy that Reyla and Kahj had their backs to me, so as not to witness my foolish expression.
The howling had subsided for now, and the mood in the wagon seemed to have lightened somewhat. I could hear Isrelda and Oches joking around about something in the back, and even though they were speaking Yalish, I was too absorbed in my own thoughts to understand what they were saying. I was vaguely aware of Wagna's voice again, and by the time we reached the bridge, which lay right before the doors of Lock Up, he was actively participating in the conversation.
The doors into Lock Up were as massive as expected for a place of that size. Heavy bolts slid across the front and two guards stood at the entrance, swords drawn, watching us suspiciously.
"They're not going to stop us are they?" Jalya asked.
"Nah," Kahj said. "They just want to look threatening. They want to make sure nobody tries anything funny."
"Like busting in there and killing everybody," Reyla added bitterly.
Kahj looked back at us and smiled. "It's alright though, once they see us turn onto the bridge, they'll back off. Well, as long as none of us does anything suspicious....or violent." He gave Reyla a long, hard look.
"Not me, brother," Reyla said coolly, pulling the reins to urge Shilly and Vella to the left.
Just before we turned, something made me lean forward to look up to the towering top of the building. The roof melted away into the heavy fog, but just before it disappeared there was a row of windows, through which I could see faces peering down. There were people watching us from up there! I scanned their barely perceptible faces, finding myself strangely drawn to them, feeling the urge to climb up the side of the building to get a closer look. Were they prisoners?
I barely had a chance to wonder, when I noticed some strange movement in one of the windows. One of the faces was pressed disparagingly against the glass and hands were pressed up next to the face. The hands were banging...banging and clawing against the window in desperation. I felt my stomach drop; what was happening to the people in there? Was this person begging for help to any passersby? Panic welled up inside of me and I fought the urge to jump out of the wagon and run to the rescue. I rocked back and forth to calm myself down. I couldn't let this bother me; I had too many other things to worry about.
At that moment the horses turned onto the bridge, announcing the change with a sharp clomping of hooves on wood. We turned away from the giant building and began to move over the churning mass of water, and it was then that I knew why it bothered me so much. My head started to throb again and the pulling shifted, urging me to go back in the direction from which we had just come. It was him...my bei clu va...he was at the window....he was inside!
In one quick motion, I wrenched my wrist away from Jalya's faltering grip and barrelled over top of Isrelda in my urgency to get to the back. I pushed a confused Oches out of the way and peeked out from the back flap of the covers, but I could no longer see the windows clearly. The fog curled around the front of the building blocking the faces from my view.
"Emerin, are you okay?" Jalya's voice was panicked. I'm sure she already knew the answer to her question.
I ignored her and stumbled back to the front of the wagon. I barely noticed that Wagna was now sitting up, propped against the side of his wagon by a stack of blankets.
"Emmy," he said. "What is it?"
But I wasn't about to answer any of them, lest they have time to stop me.
"Wagna, she's feeling it again, the headache," Jalya said, placing her body in front of mine. "I think she wants to go back....."
Jalya didn't get a chance to finish her sentence, because I knocked her down in my frenzy to get out, hard enough that Reyla had to catch her before she fell off the wagon. I turned and jumped off the side from behind Kahj, before the big man even had a chance to know what was going on. I hurled myself from the wagon's considerable height, landing with a hard thud, and rolling onto the wooden planks beneath me.
Blood oozed from the palms of my hands as hundreds of splinters tore into my flesh, but I barely noticed the pain. I smeared them on my dress as I staggered to my feet and began to run clumsily across the bridge, back toward Lock Up. I saw the guards look up and draw their swords again but I kept moving toward them, giving no thought as to what I would say or do when I got there.
The mist cleared from the windows, but I could no longer see the face that I had been drawn to. Where did he go? Was he coming down to find me? Or did they take him away for causing a ruckus at the window? Fear took hold of me at that moment. I still felt pulled in that direction, but to what....where was he now? I slowed my pace a little, paralyzed by confusion. Maybe I could tell them I was a bei clu; maybe they would think that I was crazy and take me inside. I watched the guards as they began to move toward us. Yes, that was it, that's what I would do.
My second of indecision was all it took for Oches to overtake me. I heard his steps thumping on the wood behind me, felt him grab my wrist.
"No!" I shouted, and tried to wrench my arm away, but he held tight. "Let me go!"
"Emerin, what are you doing?" His voice sounded as shocked as it was angry.
"I have to go; I need to get someone." I knew that my explanation sounded stupid, but what could I say? I yanked my arm in futility, knowing logically that he was stronger than I was. Then Kahj ran up from behind, and I knew that there was no point in fighting. He wrapped his thick arms around my waist.
"Come on, Emerin," he said. "We have to get back to the wagon. It's not safe out here."
"You take her back, Kahj. I'll stay here and deal with them." Oches turned to face the rapidly approaching guards. Suddenly I felt ashamed and worried about what might happen to him, and to the rest of us, because of my actions. I still felt compelled to go back, however, and gave one last yearning glance to the windows up in the mist before turning away.
Reluctantly, I let Kahj lead me back to the wagon. He helped me climb aboard and once inside I felt everyone's eyes on me. I couldn't even look at them.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled and slumped against the side of the wagon in exhaustion. My chest ached as though it would burst, as though something was being torn from me. Not again....I couldn't bear to go through this again. I felt tears spilling from my cheeks and I tucked my face into my shawl, pulling it tightly around me so I would
n't have to look at anyone. But the feeling persisted. My head throbbed and tugged at me to the point where I could barely sit still. I felt Jalya sit next to me and try to put her arm around me, but I pushed her away. I lifted my head and craned it around the side; the urge to jump out was still so strong.
"Emerin!" Wagna said sternly. "Don't even think about it."
I backed up momentarily, wanting to listen to him, knowing that he was right. Yet I found myself leaning forward again, unable to control my actions. I gathered my strength and prepared to stand, but Reyla got in my way. He put his arm around my waist and pushed me gently into the back of the wagon. I opened my mouth to scream, thinking maybe if the guards heard me, they'd think I was insane and come to get me. Reyla, however, anticipated my plan and clamped his hand firmly over my mouth. He pushed me down to the floor of the wagon and pinned me down with his arms. I struggled, but could not move against his much larger frame.
"Be quiet," he scolded, his breath hot on my face. "You don't want them to take you in there."
I just looked at him; his brown eyes darted back and forth. I took a long shuddering breath and stopped struggling.
"Trust me, you don't want that," he repeated, as though reading my thoughts. "Don't you think I've thought of that too? Don't you think I've thought of going in to get her and slitting as many throats as I could on our way out, but I can't. There's too many guards; it's too well protected. What are you gonna do when you get in there, huh? Nothing, that's what. You'll be a prisoner too." He looked into my eyes sadly and sighed. "It's hard, I know, but you can do a lot more out here than you can in there."
I looked at Wagna and wondered how much he could have told them during my brief escapade outside of the wagon. He smiled at me and shook his head. I felt so embarrassed...I knew it was dangerous; why couldn't I control myself? I had put everyone in danger now and Wagna was so weak. He looked so old slumped against the blankets. As I watched him, he lifted his arm and put a finger to his lips, signalling us all to be quiet. I could hear footsteps on the bridge and knew the guards were getting close to the wagon.
"Good morning," Oches called out.
"What's your business here?" one of the guards called out. Apparently they weren't very friendly.
"We're just on our way home, trying to find the rest of our clan. Those strange creatures that have appeared around here have been making things hard for us."
"Who’s the girl? Why was she running away?"
"Oh, that was my wife. We had a fight. She'll be okay...she's with child; you know how emotional women can get."
The guard chuckled, but went on with his interrogation. "She didn't look like a wife of yours, savage. She looked like a village girl. You steal her or something?" His voice became threatening. "Maybe you stole that wagon too, eh?"
"No, no, that wagon belongs to her father. She is a village girl, but we married. Love works in strange ways sometimes."
I could sense that Oches' excuses weren't going to cut it and he would probably be running out of them soon. Apparently Wagna felt the same way, and with a long groan he lifted himself into a stooped stance, steadying his trembling body against the side of the wagon.
"What are you doing?" Isrelda whispered, sitting up straight. "Sit down."
"He's going to need some help out there," Wagna said, "and I'm probably the best one to do it. Unless of course you all want to spend some time checking out the inside of that big building back there."
Isrelda sighed and sat back, a look of concern covering his face. "Just be careful out there, old man." Wagna nodded and shuffled slowly to the front, then peered around the edge of the covering.
"Is there a problem here, gentlemen?" His gruff voice boomed along the side of the wagon.
"Oh," said the guard, apparently taken by surprise. "Is that you, Wagna Freeds?"
"Yes, of course it's me. How are you, Frieske? Still harassing innocent people, I see."
"No sir, just checking on suspicious behavior, that's all. Didn't know it was your wagon. This savage and the others inside, they're friends of yours?"
"Be careful who you call a savage. This here is my son-in-law."
I looked over at Isrelda and Kahj who were chuckling to themselves. Even Reyla was smiling, though he still held me tightly.
The guard laughed as well. "He is, is he? So that girl is your daughter?"
"She sure is," Wagna said, so convincingly that I was impressed. "She's a bit of a hot head, you know. Anger issues....but what can I do; she's still my little girl. I'm hoping this fella here can keep her in line."
My heart ached with the reminder of what my father had said to me about Callum. I grew even more embarrassed just thinking about how many people it took to keep me in line, how hard it was to keep me out of trouble, how much trouble I caused for everyone else. I wanted to say that I wouldn't do it again, that I'd try harder, that I'd behave myself from here on in, but I couldn't...I knew better than that. I remembered saying these things over and over again to my parents while growing up, but I never could change, no matter how hard I tried, so I didn't expect that I could now.
I turned my attention back to what was going on outside. The guards were laughing at something that Wagna had said. It seemed we were really lucky to have him with us, lucky that he woke up when he did.
"Alright, Wagna," said the guard, "you're free to go. Good luck with your family troubles."
"Thank you, sir. Have a nice day, gentlemen," Wagna called, as their footsteps fell on the wooden bridge once again, fading into the distance. "Oches, get the hell in here!" He turned back toward us and rolled his eyes. "That guy Frieske, what a twit." He barely spit out the words before he fell against the side of the canopy and slid to the floor.
Oches climbed back into the wagon to be met by an unconscious Wagna. He and Kahj carried him back inside and Jalya pulled some blankets over him. Reyla still held me down and I didn't resist. I knew it was necessary, as I still felt the urge to escape.
"Damn old man, knew that was too much for him," Isrelda said.
"Good thing he was here," Oches said. "Not sure I could have held them off much longer." He turned to Isrelda. "You ready, Boban? Seems to be our turn up front."
Isrelda pitched himself forward and crawled toward the horses. "Happy to be getting out of here," he said and then nodded at his other two sons. "You boys keep an eye on Emerin. She a sneaky one." He pointed a crooked finger at me and smiled before climbing into his seat.
Reyla sat back, finally releasing me from the pressure of his arms, and took his hand off my mouth. "You be good now, you hear?" His tone was stern, but when I looked at him he was grinning. He would have been a good father.
"You sit right next to her, brother, and I'll stretch myself out right here." Kahj smiled and spread his bulk across the width of the wagon. "She won't get by me again."
I watched them arrange themselves into a blockade against me and I felt ashamed yet again for the trouble I had caused. I looked at Jalya across the wagon and felt even more horrible about what I had done to her.
"I'm so sorry, Jalya," I said, and the tears started to flow again. "I'm just not myself right now."
She crawled across the wagon and put her arms around me. "I know," she said. "Don't worry yourself about it." This time I let her comfort me and cried against her as the wagon started to roll again. I heard the horses hooves hit the dirt on the other side of the bridge and felt a little relieved that we were moving further away and the feeling would soon start to pass. But right now, all I could do was sit here and take it and let everyone else take care of me. I snuggled down into Jalya's shawl and listened as she entertained Reyla and Kahj with tales of our adventure so far.