XXXIII.
TWO LETTERS.
"I have no other but a woman's reason, I think him so, because I think him so."
--TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA.
A woman who has submitted to the undivided attentions of a gentleman forany length of time, feels herself more or less bound to him, whether anyspecial words of devotion have passed between them or not, particularlyif from sensitiveness of nature, she has manifested any pleasure in hissociety. Paula therefore felt as if her wings had been caught in asnare, when Mr. Ensign upon leaving her that evening, put a small notein her hand, saying that he would do himself the pleasure of calling forhis reply the next day. She did not need to open it. She knewintuitively the manly honest words with which he would be likely tooffer his heart and life for her acceptance; yet she did open it almostas soon as she reached her room, sitting down in her outside wraps forthe purpose. She was not disappointed. Every line was earnest, ardent,and respectful. A true love and a happy cheerful home awaited herif--the stupendous meaning latent in an _if_!
With folded hands lying across the white page, with glance fixed on thefire always kept burning brightly in the grate, she sat querying her ownsoul and the awful future. He was such a charming companion; life hadflashed and glimmered with a thousand lights and colors since she knewhim; his very laugh made her want to sing. With him she would move insunshiny paths, open to the regard of all the world, giving andreceiving good. Life would need no veils and love no check. A placidstream would bear her on through fields of smiling verdure. Dread hopes,strange fears, uneasy doubts and vague unrests, would not disturb theheart that rested its faith upon his frank and manly bosom. A breezeblew through his life that would sweep all such evils from the path ofher who walked in trust and love by his side. In trust and love; ah!that was it. She trusted him, but did she love him? At one time she hadbeen convinced that she did, else these past few weeks would have owneda different history. He came upon her so brightly amid her gloom; filledher days with such genial thoughts, and drew the surface of her soul sounconsciously after him. It was like a zephyr sweeping over the sea;every billow that leaps to follow seems to own the power of that passingwind. But could she think so now, since she had found that the merevoice and look of another man had power to awaken depths such as shecould not name and scarcely as yet had been able to recognize? thatthough the billows might flow under the genial smile of her young lover,the tide rose only at the call of a deeper voice and a more imposingpresence?
She was a thinking spirit and recoiled from yielding too readily to anypassing impulse. Love was a sacrament in her eyes; something entirelytoo precious to be accepted in counterfeit. She must know the secret ofher inclinations, must weigh the influence that swayed her, for oncegiven over to earth's sublimest passion, she felt that it would havepower to sweep her on to an eternity of bliss or suffering.
She therefore forced herself to probe deep into the past, and pitilesslyasked her conscience, what her emotions had been in reference to Mr.Sylvester before she positively knew that love for her as a woman hadtaken the place of his former fatherly regard. Her blushing cheek seemedto answer for her. Right or wrong, her life had never been complete awayfrom his presence. She was lonesome and unsatisfied. When Mr. Ensigncame she thought her previous unrest was explained, but the letter fromCicely describing Mr. Sylvester as sick and sorrowful, had withdrawn theveil from the delusion, and though it had settled again with Mr.Sylvester's studied refusal to accept her devotion, was by thisevening's betrayal utterly wrenched away and trampled into oblivion. Byevery wild throb of her heart at the sound of his voice in her ear, byevery out-reaching of her soul to enter into his every mood, by the deepsensation of rest she felt in his presence, and the uneasy longing thatabsorbed her in his absence, she knew that she loved Mr. Sylvester asshe never could his younger, blither, and perhaps nobler rival. Eachword spoken by him lay treasured in her heart of hearts. When shethought of manly beauty, his face and figure started upon her from thesurrounding shadows, making all romance possible and poetry the truestexpression of the human soul. While she lived, he must ever seem the manof men to charm the eye, affect the heart, and move the soul. Yet shehesitated. Why?
There is nothing so hard to acknowledge to ourselves as the presence ofa blemish in the character of those we love and long to revere. It waslike giving herself to the rack to drag from its hiding-place andconfront in all its hideous deformity, the doubt which, unconfessedperhaps, had of late mingled with her great reverence and admiringaffection for this not easily to be comprehended man. But in thismomentous hour she had power to do it. Conscience and self-respectdemanded that the image before which she was ready to bow with suchabandon, should be worthy her worship. She was not one who could carryofferings to a clouded shrine. She must see the glory shining frombetween the cherubim. "I must worship with my spirit as well as with mybody, and how can I do that if there is a spot on his manhood, or afalse note in his heart. If I did but know the secret of his past; whythe prisoner sits in the dungeon! He is gentle, he is kindly, he lovesgoodness and strives to lead me in the paths of purity and wisdom, andyet something that is not good or pure clings to him, which he has neverbeen able to shake loose. I perceive it in his melancholy glance; Icatch its accents in his uneven tones; it rises upon me from his mostthoughtful words, and makes his taking of a vow fearfully and warninglysignificant. Yet how much he is honored by his fellow-men, and with whatreliance they look up to him for guidance and support. If I only knewthe secrets of his heart!" thought she.
It was a trembling scale that hung balancing in that young girl's handthat night. On one side, frankness, cheerfulness, manly worth, honestdevotion, and a home with every adjunct of peace and prosperity; on theother, love, gratitude, longing, admiration, and a dark shadowenveloping all, called doubt. The scale would not adjust itself. It toreher heart to turn from Mr. Sylvester, it troubled her conscience todismiss the thought of Mr. Ensign. The question was yet undecided whenshe rose and began putting away her ornaments for the night.
What was there on her dressing-table that made her pause with such astart, and cast that look of half beseeching inquiry at her own image inthe glass? Only another envelope with her name written upon it. But theway in which she took it in her hand, and the half guilty air with whichshe stole back with it to the fire, would have satisfied any looker-on Iimagine, that conscience or no conscience, debate or no debate, thewriter of these lines had gained a hold upon her heart, which no othercould dispute.
It was a compactly written note and ran thus:
"A man is not always responsible for what he does in moments of great suspense or agitation. But if, upon reflection, he finds that he has spoken harshly or acted unwisely, it is his duty to remedy his fault; and therefore it is that I write you this little note. Paula, I love you; not as I once did, with a fatherly longing and a protective delight, but passionately, yearningly, and entirely, with the whole force of my somewhat disappointed life; as a man loves for whom the world has dissolved leaving but one creature in it, and that a woman. I showed you this too plainly to-night. I have no right to startle or intimidate your sweet soul into any relation that might hereafter curb or dissatisfy you; if you can love me freely, with no back-lookings to any younger lover left behind, know that naught you could bestow, can ever equal the world of love and feeling which I long to lavish upon you from my heart of hearts. But if another has already won upon your affections too much for you to give an undivided response to my appeal, then by all the purity and innocence of your nature, forget I have ever marred the past or disturbed the present by any word warmer than that of a father.
"I shall not meet you at breakfast and possibly not at dinner to-morrow, but when evening comes I shall look for my soul's dearer and better half, or my childless manhood's nearest and most cherished friend, as God pleaseth and your own heart and conscience shall decree.
&nbs
p; "EDWARD SYLVESTER."
Miss Belinda was very much surprised to be awakened early the nextmorning, by a pair of loving arms clasped yearningly about her neck.
Looking up, she descried Paula kneeling beside her bed in the faintmorning light, her cheeks burning, and her eyelids drooping; andguessing perhaps how it was, started up from her recumbent position withan energy strongly suggestive of the charger, that smells the battleafar off.
"What has happened?" she asked. "You look as if you had not slept awink."
For reply Paula pulled aside the curtain at the head of her bed, andslipped into her hand Mr. Ensign's letter. Miss Belinda read itconscientiously through, with many grunts of approval, and havingfinished it, laid it down with a significant nod, after which she turnedand surveyed Paula with keen but cautious scrutiny. "And you don't knowwhat answer to give," she asked.
"I should," said Paula, "if--Oh aunt, you know what stands in my way! Ihave seen it in your eyes for some time. There is some one else--"
"But he has not spoken?" vigorously ejaculated her aunt.
Without answering, Paula put into her hand, with a slow reluctance shehad not manifested before, a second little note, and then hid her headamid the bedclothes, waiting with quickly beating heart for what heraunt might say.
She did not seem in haste to speak, but when she did, her words camewith a quick sigh that echoed very drearily in the young girl's anxiousears. "You have been placed by this in a somewhat painful position. Isympathize with you, my child. It is very hard to give denial to abenefactor."
Paula's head drew nearer to her aunt's breast, her arms crept round herneck. "But must I?" she breathed.
Miss Belinda knitted her brows with great force, and stared severely atthe wall opposite. "I am sorry there is any question about it," shereplied.
Paula started up and looked at her with sudden determination. "Aunt,"said she, "what is your objection to Mr. Sylvester?"
Miss Belinda shook her head, and pushing the girl gently away, hurriedlyarose and began dressing with great rapidity. Not until she was entirelyprepared for breakfast did she draw Paula to her, and prepare to answerher question.
"My objection to him is, that I do not thoroughly understand him. I amafraid of the skeleton in the closet, Paula. I never feel at ease when Iam with him, much as I admire his conversation and appreciate theundoubtedly noble instincts of his heart. His brow is not open enough tosatisfy an eye which has accustomed itself to the study of humannature."
"He has had many sorrows!" Paula faintly exclaimed, stricken by thisecho of her own doubts.
"Yes," returned her aunt, "and sorrow bows the head and darkens the eye,but it does not make the glance wavering or its expression mysterious."
"Some sorrows might," urged Paula tremulously, arguing as much with herown doubts as with those of her aunt. "His have been of no ordinarynature. I have never told you, aunt, but there were circumstancesattending Cousin Ona's death that made it especially harrowing. He had astormy interview with her the very morning she was killed; words passedbetween them, and he left her with a look that was almost desperate.When he next saw her, she lay lifeless and inert before him. I sometimesthink that the shadow that fell upon him at that hour will never passaway."
"Do you know what was the subject of their disagreement?" asked MissBelinda anxiously.
"No, but I have reason to believe it had something to do with businessaffairs, as nothing else could ever arouse Cousin Ona into being at alldisagreeable."
"I don't like that phrase, _business affairs_; like charity, it coversentirely too much. Have you never had any doubts yourself about Mr.Sylvester?"
"Ah, you touch me to the quick, aunt. I may have had my doubts, but whenI look back on the past, I cannot see as they have any very substantialfoundation. Supposing, aunt, that he has been merely unfortunate, and Ishould live to find that I had discarded one whose heart was darkened bynothing but sorrow? I should never forgive myself, nor could life yieldme any recompense that would make amends for a sacrifice sounnecessary."
"You love him, then, very dearly, Paula?"
A sudden light fell on the young girl's face. "Hearts cannot tell theirlove," said she, "but since I received this letter from him, it hasseemed as if my life hung balancing on the question, as to whether he isworthy of a woman's homage. If he is not, I would give my life to havehim so. The world is only dear to me now as it holds him."
Miss Belinda picked up Mr. Ensign's letter with trembling fingers. "Ithought you were safe when the younger man came to woo," said she."Girls, as a rule, prefer what is bright to what is sombre, and Mr.Ensign is truly a very agreeable as well as worthy young man."
"Yes, aunt, and he came very near stealing my heart as he undoubtedlydid my fancy, but a stronger hand snatched it away, and now I do notknow what to do or how to act, so as to awaken in the future no remorseor vain regrets."
Miss Belinda opened the letters again and consulted their contents in amatter-of-fact way. "Mr. Ensign proposes to come this afternoon for hisanswer, while Mr. Sylvester defers seeing you till evening. What if Iseek Mr. Sylvester this morning and have a little conversation with him,which shall determine, for once and all, the question which so troublesus? Would you not find it easier to meet Mr. Ensign when he comes?"
"You talk to Mr. Sylvester, and upon such a topic! Oh, I could not bearthat. Pardon me, aunt, but I think I am more jealous of his feelingsthan of my own. If his secret can be learned in a half-hour's talk, itmust be listened to by no one but myself. And I believe it can," shemurmured reverently; "he is so tender of me he would never let me goblindfold into any path, concerning which I had once expressed anxiety.If I ask him whether there is any good reason before God or man why Ishould not give him my entire faith and homage, he will answer honestly,though it be the destruction of his hopes to do so?"
"Have you such trust as that in his uprightness as a lover, and theguardian of your happiness?"
"Have not you, aunt?"
And Miss Belinda remembering his words on the occasion of his firstproposal to adopt Paula, was forced to acknowledge that she had.
So without further preliminaries, it was agreed upon that Paula shouldrefrain from making a final decision until she had eased her heart by aninterview with Mr. Sylvester.
"Meantime, you can request Mr. Ensign to wait another day for hisanswer," said Miss Belinda.
But Paula with a look of astonishment shook her head. "Is it you whowould counsel me to such a piece of coquetry as that?" said she. "No,dear aunt, my heart is not with Mr. Ensign, as you know, and it isimpossible for me to encourage him. If Mr. Sylvester should proveunworthy of my affection, I must bear, as best I may, the loss whichmust accrue; but till he does, let me not dishonor my womanhood byallowing hope to enter, even for a passing moment, the breast of hisrival."
Miss Belinda blushed, and drew her niece fondly towards her. "You areright," said she, "and my great desire for your happiness has led meinto error. Honesty is the noblest adjunct of all true love, and mustnever be sacrificed to considerations of selfish expediency. The refusalwhich you contemplate bestowing upon Mr. Ensign, must be forwarded tohim at once."
And with a final embrace, in which Miss Belinda allowed herself to letfall some few natural tears of disappointment, she dismissed the younggirl to her task.