My mother might have shed tears like that, perhaps when we watched my father die, or when she was sold away from Livia and me. She would cry the same way tomorrow if I didn't come up with a way to save her.
So maybe that was it, then, what I was hearing.
What if these were the cries of my mother?
If my mother was so close, then suddenly, finding Aurelia was no longer the most important reason for being here. I ducked low behind the last row of vines, surveying the open field. The tree I had accidentally toppled two months ago was gone, though a few innocent sticks from its massive branches still remained. There was also the same pile of rubble a little farther on. If Valerius had his servants carry away the broken tree, it surprised me that he would allow the rubble to remain. Maybe that was related to the Roman worship of the gods. If their temples were sacred, perhaps the rubble from their temples was equally sacred.
The crying started again in my head, a little louder now, and I scanned the area, confused as to why I couldn't see who it was coming from. Nor could I find a spot where someone might be hiding. I crept forward to get a better look around, which led me right into the center of the open field, a virtual trumpeting of my presence if anyone was watching. But having to listen to so much sadness was twisting my insides and boring deeper into my mind. Knowing it might be coming from my mother only made it worse.
The problem was that now, no matter what direction I went, the sound became softer. How was that possible? Nothing was here. No one.
I walked over to the rubble, which was really just a pile of fallen stones. A column lay on its side; if a second column had ever been here, it was gone now. There was certainly no place for anyone to hide.
Then why did it seem as if the cries were coming from this exact place?
A new sound replaced the sobbing now, this one a low growl to my right. I turned and caught my breath in my throat. Facing me was a large black wolf with yellow, glowing eyes. It was crouched low, and the fur stood high on its arched back. Probably not a sign he wanted us to be friends.
If I still had the bulla, I could speak to him, maybe convince him to bare less of his sharp teeth. But the bulla remained with Callistus. Crispus had once told me a wolf lived on this property. I should have remembered that and been more cautious now. I still had the Divine Star's magic, which I could use if necessary, but I didn't want to, not if it risked harming him. I was an intruder on this wolf's territory, not the other way around.
So I lowered my eyes, showing the wolf I was no threat to him, and slowly backed away. The wolf continued to growl, though he didn't follow me.
"Nic?"
Lights were hurrying down the hill from Valerius's villa. A moment later, Valerius stepped into the field, holding a torch. He was the one who had spoken. Crispus stood directly beside him with another torch. I turned back to where the wolf had been, but he was gone.
"What are you doing out here?" Crispus asked.
I didn't know how to answer. It felt stupid to ask about Aurelia, and even stupider to suggest that a unicorn had brought me here on his own.
"Whatever your reasons, you need to leave," Valerius said. "The Praetors watch this land very carefully."
"Is it because of the crying woman?" I asked. "Is she my mother?"
"You hear someone crying?" Crispus looked over to his father. "He hears the Mistress."
"Who?" I remembered that Radulf had mentioned the Mistress too. But I had left his home before he'd had the chance to tell me about her. Based on the tight expression on both Crispus's and Valerius's faces, perhaps I should've been more willing to listen.
Valerius immediately doused his torch and ordered Crispus to do the same. Then he grabbed my arm and shoved me forward until we were in the vines.
"You have the key to the Malice," Valerius said to me.
"I don't!"
"Lower your voice." Nervously, he looked around the field. "Come back to my home. It's safer there."
I snorted. "Not for me."
"It'd be safer to throw you overboard a ship than to leave you in that field." He nodded at Crispus. "Lead the way, but keep your head down."
I followed, more out of a curiosity to learn about the Mistress than anything else. We walked in darkness and in total silence back to his villa. The crying woman -- the Mistress -- continued to wail, so loud that I didn't understand how Crispus and Valerius couldn't hear it too. The cries had been joined by a kind of pounding sound, like fists beating on a door. It was hard to think straight with her desperation filling my head.
I stopped and put a hand to my forehead. It was as if she had begun pounding there.
Valerius touched my arm. "She's asleep, Nic."
"She's not."
"Keep walking. Soon we'll be out of her reach."
By the time we approached his villa, I couldn't hear the woman anymore. Yet while Valerius immediately called for servants to bring us food and drink, I remained restless. Even if Valerius was right and she was asleep, I didn't see how we could dine here and relax while she obviously needed help.
"We can explain everything," Crispus told me. "My father will answer your questions. Come in to eat."
"I'm not hungry." That wasn't entirely true -- I was always hungry. What I should've said was that at the moment, I wasn't starving.
"But it's private in there," Valerius said. "Come in."
I followed them to a small dining room where servants were busy setting food onto his table. I took the same seat where I used to eat when I had stayed here. Aurelia had always sat right beside me. I wondered again where she and Livia had gone.
The door had barely shut behind us when Valerius began to speak. "Listen to me and answer as honestly as you can. When you were in my fields two months ago, you heard nothing, correct?"
"She wasn't there before."
"Nothing has changed in that field. But you have changed, Nic. The only way you could hear the Mistress is if you had the key. Think of everything Horatio gave to you --"
"Nothing, I swear it!"
"-- or said to you. Even if it didn't seem significant at the time. An unusual choice of words perhaps."
There was something. It had nagged at my memory ever since riding here with Callistus. But whatever Horatio had said was out of my reach now. In the last few minutes when we stood together beneath the amphitheater, he did speak to me briefly, but I had been far more focused on entering the arena to fight Radulf. Listening to Horatio had never been my priority, though obviously, that was a mistake.
"Father, Nic needs to know about the Mistress," Crispus whispered.
Valerius looked at me. "Can you hear her, right now?"
"No. It was only in the field."
"What you heard is just an echo, a memory locked in the Mistress's dreams."
"Who is the Mistress?"
"She was a vestalis," Crispus said. "A sacred woman, like the woman who allowed you and Aurelia to take sanctuary in Caesar's temple. But the vestalis you hear right now is named Atroxia, and she lived three hundred years ago, in Caesar's time. Atroxia joined the Praetors in Diana's war against the gods. She supported Caesar's assassination."
"Atroxia had to be punished for her crimes," Valerius said. "No one in Rome receives honors like a vestalis. Which means, when necessary, no one receives their punishments either."
Based on the cries in my head, I already knew what the punishment must have been, but asked anyway, hoping I was wrong. "What happened to her?"
"Atroxia was buried alive, and she was buried with the Malice of Mars, according to Jupiter's plans for peace amongst the gods. The Praetors believe in exchange for Atroxia's service, that Diana put her to sleep, not to awaken until her tomb is opened." Valerius met my eyes to be sure I was listening. "That cannot happen, Nic. She cannot be awakened."
"Why not?"
"Because in order to keep her alive all this time, Diana had to curse her. Whatever she is now, Atroxia is no humble vestalis. She is the Mistress of the Malice
and bound by the curse to return that Malice to Diana. My hope is that when we give them the key, the Praetors will remove the Malice without waking Atroxia."
"I have no key," I said. "But if I did, I still wouldn't give it to them."
"Not even for your mother?" Valerius asked.
My eyes fell as my heart pounded. Yes, to save my mother, I would give them anything they wanted.
We talked for a long time after that, though most of it was similar to what Radulf had already told me. About Caesar's assassination, Diana's rebellion, and Jupiter's attempt to stop a war amongst the gods. Things bigger than I'd ever expected to deal with when I was in the mines. Back then, I had been responsible for my sister's life and for keeping two steps ahead of my master, Sal. Now I had a role to play in a war between the gods. And greater still, the life of my mother depended upon me giving the Praetors a key. A key I did not have.
"Radulf suggested we trick the Praetors tomorrow," I said to Valerius. "Using that fake Malice you gave him."
But Valerius only shook his head. "I'd have tricked the Praetors myself if I thought it'd work. I'm told there is a scent to magic, no? So subtle that few people in Rome might ever detect when it's near, but Decimas Brutus has dedicated his life to obtaining the Malice, as his fathers have since the time of Julius Caesar. He will know the Malice is fake, because it will have no scent to it."
"Then what can I do?" I asked. Night was closing in, but no answers had come with it. The frustration within me had swelled so much that if I'd had the bulla, I'd have accidentally exploded something by now. The bulla was safer with Callistus, though I could only hope he still had it.
Valerius sighed. "After three hundred years, the Praetors know the bulla has been discovered, which means they've become obsessed with unlocking the Malice. I've tried talking to the Praetors, to convince them to leave you alone, but they're not listening anymore."
"You started this," I said. "You had Horatio killed, thinking you would get the key."
"If I had not done that, Horatio would have given the key to Radulf, and Rome would be in ashes by now."
My eyes fluttered as I looked away. That much was true. Someone had to stop Horatio.
Crispus added, "We never expected Horatio to announce that he had given you the key instead. But when he did, the Praetors realized they didn't need my father, and didn't even need Radulf. All they need is to control you."
My heart was pounding, but still I asked, "Where is the door to the Mistress's tomb?"
"You must not open it," Valerius said. Which was not an answer to my question. Whenever he was hiding something from me, his right eye twitched, and right now it was quivering like a hummingbird's wings. I was a terrible liar, no doubt, but he was worse.
"I can't run from the Praetors forever," I said. "But if I could retrieve the Malice and destroy it, then I could be free."
"It's too risky." Valerius got to his feet. "For your sake, and for the sake of all of Rome, I won't help you find the door. But I am sorry you have to be part of this war, Nic. I beg you to forgive me for not keeping you out of it."
I shook my head, dismissing his apology. "I'm the one who stole the bulla. No one deserves blame for that but me. And the rest is just the consequences of the choice I made in the cave that day."
Valerius sighed. "Nicolas Calva, there is more nobility in you than in any patrician I've met in a lifetime."
I sat forward. "Then help me win this, sir. Please. Where is the door?"
But Valerius wanted nothing to do with that question. He only clasped his hands and yawned. He didn't even bother pretending it was a real yawn. "It's getting late and I am tired. Crispus, Nic's old room is still available. When he's ready, please take him there."
Crispus stood and nodded. "Yes, Father."
After Valerius had left -- or really, after Valerius escaped having to talk to me any further -- Crispus sat back down. "I don't know where the door is," he said before I could ask. "I'm not even certain that my father knows. He's never admitted that to me."
"You saw the way he acted just now," I said. "He obviously knows more than he's telling."
Crispus nodded, but his face was somber. "The Praetors are going to kill my father. Brutus all but promised that. He said that once they had you, they wouldn't need him anymore."
"Why?" I asked. "I'm a threat to them, and so is Radulf. But not your father."
"He's trying to help you now. He feels he owes you that much, after what happened in the amphitheater, and the Praetors don't like that." Crispus had the ends of his toga bunched in his fist and was twisting the fabric into knots. "My father already asked the Senate to let me apprentice with them until I'm old enough to run for office. He's worried about my future without him here."
"Do you want to be a senator?" I asked. The only two senators I'd ever met were Valerius and Horatio. Horatio was a snake, in my opinion, even if he was Aurelia's father. And Valerius was trying to be a good man, though he wasn't always successful. At least I knew he was loyal to Rome.
"It doesn't matter what I want," Crispus said. "It never does."
I shrugged. "What if you didn't become a senator?" I asked. "What's the worst that could happen?"
Now it was his turn to shrug. "I don't know. I wish I could make plans to leave Rome, as you are doing."
I couldn't understand that. If it weren't so dangerous for me and Livia, we'd never leave this great city. Meanwhile, Crispus could stay here, surrounded by every possible comfort and without any need to worry about where his next meal was coming from. I doubted Livia and I would have that kind of luxury once we left the empire.
"Why would you want to leave?" I asked.
"I want freedom, just as you do." He was looking off in the distance when he said it, then he turned directly to me. "I want to be in control of my own life."
"Then you shall be," I said. "When my family leaves Rome, we want you to come with us."
"You didn't feel that way after the amphitheater. You asked Aurelia to come with you, but not me."
"Well, she's prettier than you are." Then I cocked my head and grinned. "Also, I remember being angry about your father nearly getting me killed."
Crispus chuckled, and then quickly became serious again. "You always hated the chains they made you wear as a slave. I understand how they must have felt. Because sometimes, I think I'm in chains too. Invisible ones made of duty and honor."
"I wear different chains now," I said. "Mine is a scar on my shoulder that does magic, and a key to an amulet that I do not have." I sighed and looked over at Crispus. "Maybe we're more alike than we realized."
"We're not alike at all," Crispus said. "I will never have your strength or courage."
"I'm nothing special," I said, shaking my head. "My whole life bears the truth of that!"
Crispus only smiled. "Maybe your whole life was bringing you to this moment. I believe the most amazing things are still ahead."
And despite my worries, I suddenly realized that I was smiling back.
After a while, Crispus walked me to my room. He didn't need to -- while I had never claimed to be the cleverest person in Rome, I had somehow managed to remember the twelve steps it took to get there from the dining area. And I actually wished he wouldn't have come with me. I wasn't going to be here for long.
As we walked, I asked him, "Do you know where Aurelia might be right now? My sister is with her."
"I haven't seen her since the circus." Crispus shrugged. "Besides, Aurelia never tells me anything."
I liked hearing that. She rarely told me much about herself either, but there were some times when she had lowered her guard with me. The more I understood about the person she really was, the more I wanted to know her better.
"I thought you two were good friends," I said.
"We are," Crispus said quickly. "Or at least, I like her well enough. I'm just not sure what she thinks of me."
"I thought it was all arranged that ... sometime soon ... you and she would
--"
"That we would marry?" Crispus snorted a hard laugh. "My father tried to settle that as part of her inheritance, just as a way of making up for his fault in her father's death. But Aurelia hasn't agreed to it yet." He glanced sideways at me. "You know why that is, I'm sure."
"I don't," I said, which was a lie. When we were down in the sewers, Aurelia had all but begged me to offer marriage to her. Maybe she thought I was ignoring her request because we were still young, but that wasn't it at all. No matter how I tried to wiggle free of my situation, there was little hope for my future. The people who wanted to control me, or even to destroy me, were powerful, and the list of their names was steadily growing. If something happened to me, I already had to worry about what would happen to Livia, and now my mother. I wouldn't bind Aurelia to my fate as well.
"Would you want to marry her, if she agrees to it?" I asked. "Or was this all your father's doing?"
"She's a beautiful girl," Crispus said. "That is, if you can get her to put down her bow long enough to dress like a proper girl."
I didn't need her to be a proper girl, and knew for a fact that I was in no position to judge what a proper girl was anyway. If anyone misunderstood the rules of proper behavior, it was me, not her. But maybe it was our shared ignorance about good behavior that made Aurelia and me friends. I wished I could know how she truly felt about me. Was I simply a convenient way for her to keep her inheritance? Or were we more than that?
"Wherever she is right now, I'm sure your sister is safe with Aurelia," Crispus said. "And until this is over, they're both better off far away from you."
But this would never be over. I was beginning to accept that, which was my answer to any questions about a future with Aurelia. Our problem had nothing to do with either of our feelings. The fact was that she was better off remaining as far from me as possible, not just now, but always. That was true for Livia too, and my mother, and Crispus. In fact, if it could be done, I'd be smart to stay away from myself, and let someone else entirely take over the disaster of my life. But I figured that for better or worse, I was stuck with the consequences of everything I'd ever done wrong. Of everything I was still doing wrong.