He jerks his head in my direction, “don’t come in here!” He quickly flicks off the TV with a sharp gasp.
“What?” He continues to avoid my eyes. “WHAT?” I jerk the remote from his hand, turning the television back on.
“Ava - she is very special to me and I to her and as soon as I get out
I know we will be together again. I love you Ava - And I forgive you.”
“That was part of an interview with Spencer Jefferis from earlier this morning. Mr. Jefferis is currently serving his sentence in a prison in upstate New York. It is expected that Mr. Jefferis will be released soon for a new trial after defense attorneys have submitted new evidence in regards to Ms. Kelley’s role in her alleged abduction.” The smug uncaring reporter continues on about how Sean has been seeing me for an unknown amount of time. “I end this report asking you - what do you think? Do you believe Ms. Kelley is manipulating Mr. Grant as she did Mr. Jefferis or is she an innocent victim that will soon be added to the list of Sean Grant’s ex-girlfriends? Let us know what you think.” Spencer’s face flashes on the screen again with his words being repeated, once again. “… will be together again.”
I barely notice Sean turning off the television as the impious voice echoes over and over in my head. The next thing I know, I am waking up in bed again and finding Sean sitting in a chair next to me with his luggage packed and sitting at the door. “You’re leaving me?”
“If I leave now then we can squash a lot of this media attention before it grows anymore.”
“They already know about me Sean, what difference does it make now?”
“They don’t know where you live or where you work. That’s why they are allowing him to talk because they are searching for you. You did a real good job hiding yourself but it will not take long for them to find what they need to get to you. If I leave now, you can still have a reasonable life here.”
“Without you?”
Shaking his head in frustration, “you are purposely not hearing me right now. You are so fucking stubborn. I am not leaving you Ava. We can be together again when things die down. You can come to LA again or better yet, I will take you to my house in the Keys. No one will be able to find you there.”
“I don’t want to hide anymore Sean. I’m tired of hiding. I want to show him especially that I’m not scared anymore and I’m not going to let him control my life anymore.”
“Ava I don’t think you understand how harassed you will be.” I focus on him strong. “Okay fine, let’s go out right now and announce to the world we are dating. And then when I have to leave to do another film, you can stay behind and deal with all the reporters and cameras in your face asking if we are broken up, am I cheating on you, or how you feel about some co-star that I was seen hugging or some shit. Our relationship will be so heavily scrutinized, because you are news baby and combining my celebrity status on top of that …” Frustrated he shakes his head harder. “This is the story of a lifetime for them. Not to mention, they will give him a voice and not just the one time. They will keep on and on and on until everyone has analyzed every possible angle, until people are sick to death of hearing it. Until we are so beat down and tired over it all, that we can’t even stand the sight of each other. You don’t want that Ava, trust me.” He said approaching me with a tender touch.
“I can handle it Sean. I know I can. I have even been seeing my doctor again and she says ....”
Taking my face gently into his hands, “baby, there is nothing I would love more than to show you off to the world but trust me you don’t want this and you’re not ready to handle it. You faint every time you get upset. How do you think you are going to handle the madness that is going to come at you?”
“But Sean the fainting has nothing to do with me being upset. It’s because …”
“Ava, stop. It’s not a good idea right now. Give it a little more time and then we can let everyone know our way and on our terms.”
“But Sean, I am stronger than you think I am. I know even my own friends think I cannot handle it but it is not true. You haven’t even noticed …”
“Noticed what? That you get up in the middle night making sure he isn’t trying to get in somehow?” Pushing his hands away from me, I step away from him. “Don’t look at me that way Ava, you know it’s true.”
“You don’t even know the progress I have made, have you even noticed that I’m not having the nightmares anymore?”
Sean glares at me sideways, “none at all?” Jumping up I try to walk out before he pulls me back to him. “Ava, baby, I am trying to protect you, to take care of you and make sure no one hurts you.”
“So you’re taking care of me by forcing me to watch you say that I don’t matter to you.”
“Whatever I say is for your own safety Ava, I’m not going to mean a word of it.”
With tears forming and my legs threatening to give on me, “do you love me?” His jaw drops and his once tender hands become rigid. “It’s a simple question Sean, that’s all I want to know. Do you love me?”
“I don’t think that’s relevant right now.”
“I think it’s the most relevant question there is right now,” I said staring at his twisting and fidgeting figure. “If you can’t answer that, then there is no need for any of this other conversation.”
“What are you saying?” He asks stepping back from me.
“I thought it was pretty clear. You either stay here with me proving to me that you do love me or you leave and prove that you don’t.”
“Are you making demands on me now? We have only been dating for a few months. Now you are demanding me to tell you how I feel about a relationship that I have had to keep hidden from everyone? I have to go home alone and treasure the few minutes I get to talk to you on the phone before I go to bed. I have to know how I feel about that? I don’t Ava! I’m sorry, I am not going to give you any false hope when I am still trying to figure it all out. I care about you and I don’t want anything to happen to you – that I know!” Sighing he steps towards me and caresses my face, “please understand sweetheart.”
This time I step away from him, “I think you better figure it out quick Sean. Or else.”
He narrows his eyes at me, “or else what?”
Taking in a deep breath and searching for the strength I need. “If you leave me today then …” I swallow hard on the words that are choking me on their way out, “then don’t come back. Don’t call me, don’t write, and don’t even attempt to talk to me if we happen to run into each other again.”
“AVA! You can’t be serious. What is wrong with you? This is not like you at all,” he yelled as I fight back the tears.
“I’m sorry Sean but I want a family, I want to grow old with someone and have babies with them.” I focus on him hard. “I want a family of my own, I don’t want to run and hide with someone who doesn’t even love me. I think maybe this relationship …”
“Don’t Ava.” He interrupts me causing tears to well up in my eyes. “Don’t you fucking do this.”
“You know it’s best. The relationship has gone as far as it can go and it’s time for both of us to realize it and move on.” I turn hiding my anguish from him. “You have plenty of girls that will be a much better fit for you and I have …” With a deep breath I raise my chin, “and I have Justin. He is a better fit for me and for what I want.”
“If that’s what you want, I’ll go.” I nod before he can say another word while trying to reassure myself and him with my stiff posture. “Then I will go, so you can get on with your life … with your new man.” He leans in tight to my ear. “I’m sure he will be more than happy to fuck you the way you like. I know I enjoyed myself,” he breathed harshly.
“Get out!” I spin around directing him to the door, only to come face-to-face with him, seeing his pain and feeling mine. “Get out. Go home Sean.” My legs giving on me once again, I grip the nearby chair and try to hold myself together as he storms off grabbing his bags, cursing und
er his breath the whole way.
~
Randy waits outside at the car as I stand by the window hiding behind the drapery, glancing out when I think no one is looking until Sean comes storming up the walk. I move away quickly, raising my chin and forcing my conviction to the surface when he rushes through the door. “Last chance, sweetheart. You still want to end it this way?” I nod softly, glancing at the walls around him. “Just remember you’re the one that did this.” I close my eyes hard only to be shaken back by Sean’s hands on my face suddenly. His lips crash to mine, “you’re upset, I get that. I don’t want to leave you but please understand I am doing this for you. Call me when you calm down and want to talk.”
“No. You’re doing this for yourself. You are doing this - so you don’t have to answer uncomfortable questions. So you can have me, without having to deal with all the issues that come from being with me.” His warm eyes quickly change as I confront him with the truth. “I can handle Spencer, I have handled him, and I … will continue to handle him for the rest of my life – without you.”
With a snarled lip he steps away from me, shaking his head. “By the way, Justin can’t possibly satisfy you like I do.” He said glaring at me as he approaches the door, tossing an autograph picture of himself on my sofa. “For your scrapbook.”
I have to do this. I have to. It’s for the best. Gritting my teeth and fisting the back of the chair, I watch him walk out the door. “Sean!” I yelled, surprising myself even more so, than him. He takes a step back in, waiting for me to respond with eager curiosity. “I’m … I am … I really wish you the best and I always will … think of you fondly.”
Sean nods with an exasperated exhale, “you as well Ava,” he said slamming the door shut, jerking my heart out of my chest and smashing it to the ground.
Chapter 27: Sean
“Are you going to be okay?” I give Randy a half nod while staring out my window still dazed. “Do you want me to stay here with you?” Shaking my head I still feel numb. “Are you sure because ....”
“Go. Please. Go,” I said waiting for the door to close before making myself a drink, my first, but over the next few days it will not be my last. My days have turned into weeks as my silent phone becomes a haunting reminder. I hate her. I wish I had never met her. “Fucking Bitch!” Throwing my glass against the wall, I watch it crash into pieces while the alcohol rains down, hypnotizing me into my chair and letting the deadness take me over.
“Sean!” My mother continues screaming through my house until finding me, drowning my issues. “What are you doing? Drinking? Give me that.” Taking my drink from my hand, she grips my face hard. “I can’t believe my son is sitting here, in the dark, hiding from life. Sean!”
“What Mother!”
“Get yourself together!”
“What do you want?”
“I want to know what happened with you and Ava.”
“She doesn’t want me anymore?”
“I don’t believe it. What did you say to her?” Twisting my head away from her grip, I manage to get up and stumble back to my bar. “You must have said something.” It has to be my fault, obviously. “You need to go to her and tell her how you feel, that you made a mistake and you are sorry?”
“She turned me away mother or did you forget that?”
“You have made a mistake letting her go. This decision is going to haunt you, mark my words.”
“Go away mother.” I close my eyes tight and luckily when I open them again, she is already on her way out the door. As much as I hate fighting with her, I know she is right about one thing, I need to get up and stop hiding. Ava would have called by now if she was going to.
Over the next few days I try to get back into a routine. Ignoring the numerous reminders of Ava that haunts me throughout my own home. It all seems to work until an alarm I had set for her birthday goes off, causing me to crash all over again. The pain overwhelms me right to bed, into dreams of her. Always of her. It is maddening but yet I would go crazy without them.
“Sean! Sean where are you?” Ethan yelled.
“I’m up here,” I said roughly and unsure if I really know where I am.
“Damn you look like shit.”
“Thanks.”
“Get up and take a look at this. Here are some possible projects for you, I thought maybe it might get your mind off of things.”
“Ethan,” I said pushing the papers away from me. “I need to know she is okay at least. Can you make sure of that, without her knowing?”
“I can do what I can but I won’t invade her private life for you.”
“That’s all I want.” Taking the papers and rubbing my eyes to focus, I know my brother is watching my every move as if I am a wounded child. If he only knew, he would understand a little more than what he is at this moment. I can still remember when I found the beautiful necklace with the antique locket. I had put a picture of us from when she was here within it, scaled to fit perfectly. I did not get the chance to give it to her before I left Atlanta. It sat for days staring at me. I must have picked it up a hundred times at least, threw it in the trash almost as many but eventually that damn alarm went off. Yesterday, I had it wrapped in a velvet box and sent it to her with her favorite flowers. The note attached was simple, no more than, Happy Birthday - Sean. I am not sure she will ever open it or even accept it but maybe if she sees it … she will forgive me.
A chilling breeze blows through my windows, blowing the papers around my room until one floats down in front of me. I pick it up and read the description before handing it back to Ethan.
“This one,” I say to Ethan. “This is the one I want.”
“Sean this is a secondary roll, it’s not even the roll they are offering. You should read the rest of the script, read the roll I am suggesting before you decide.” Ethan narrows his eyes at me, confused by my decision.
“It’s the one I want Ethan.”
“You don’t even get the girl, you lose the girl to the leading man.”
“Perfect,” I said walking away ignoring his judging eyes.
~
It does not take long before the contracts are signed and the time comes to pack my bags and head off to the location in Ireland. The countryside is beautiful here, giving me some hope that I can drown my memories. The movie is taking months longer due to weather, script changes and other complications and of course, I’m miserable. The first chance I get for some extended free time, I take it. After hours of seeing the usual sights and using the known roads, I take a detour and get lost deep into the country for hours. I come upon an old cottage overlooking a lake, surrounded by lots of lush land and mountains. The empty old stone home is being over taken by wild flowers and deep green ivy but still, I am speechless.
“Can I help you sir?” A voice said coming out of nowhere.
I turn, seeing an old man struggling his way towards me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to trespass but when I saw this beautiful place I had to stop.”
He nods with a shining smile. “Yes, it is a special place,” he said gazing over it with obvious fond memories.
“Would you happen to know how old the place is and maybe some of the history?” I asked, relaxing as the old man smiles happily.
“Oh yes, I was here when this place was built. The couple that built it lived here for many, many wonderful years. “Tá mo chroí istigh ionat” they always said to each other.” Leaning into me he whispers again, “tá mo chroí istigh ionat”. They shared one heart and it was only able to beat when they were together.” The old man looks up at my curious expression. “Come, come see,” he said waving me to follow him. I walk with him to a rock within the overgrown wild flowers, where he pulls back some of the growth to reveal the names Finn and Nora with the words, “tá mo chroí istigh ionat” underneath.
“What does it mean?”
“My Heart is Within You.” He said with certainty of the words meaning.
“That’s an interesting story.”
r /> “Oh the story is much more interesting. You see Nora’s father was strong, powerful man and abusive. He did not like to be disobeyed. When her father found out about them, he made a deal and traded her for more land. She was shipped away overnight. Finn assumed her to be gone forever, promised to another man.” The old man shakes his head with a groan. “Horrible time. Finn searched for her for some time before finally giving up. Assuming she had moved on, he traveled from place to place trying to run away from the memories of her, never worked, of course.” He pauses grimacing a smile. “If he had only known that, the stubborn mule had jumped out of her transport and had been searching for her way back to him.” He chuckles with an exasperated sigh. “It was on a cold, rainy day when while they both were trying to take refuge from the rain, found each other and at once their heart beat again. Never looking back they escaped from her father to here.” He waves his hand over the place.
“That’s some story,” I said raising my eyebrows.
“Ahhh it is, but it is the truth. You can deny love but you can’t deny your heart.” I give him a respectful smile before sighing at the sight of the old place. “You have such a love?” He asked, although it seems as if he was making a statement. Not that it matters, I do not have an answer for him. “Hmmm, well you will find her again Sean, and then your heart will beat once again.”
I turn to say something to him but as quickly as he appeared, he is gone. I stand in place for some time trying to recall when I told him my name. My strange encounter with the old man sends chills up my spine, forcing me to go straight back and to bed for some obviously much needed sleep.
After a few more days, filming begins to pick up again and so does my energy, so much so that I have even taken notice of a British actress that has made a point to flirt innocently whenever she can. Her sweet approach always makes me smile.