Boy, were those burglars ticked off. We could hear them yelling and screaming at each other while they stood in front of the hand dryers in the boys’ bathroom.
Since we had successfully thwarted their attempts to steal from the computer lab, Ralph sent Moose to grab equipment from the main office.
After that pizza fiasco, I was pretty sure Moose was still STARVING. So I decided to use his personal issues to our advantage.
I stood right outside the glass wall of the office and munched greedily on my cookies. Then I happily did a little cookie dance, like they were the BEST in the entire universe.
Finally I waved the box at Moose, as if to say, “You want some cookies? Then come and get ’em!”
I was so UTTERLY annoying, I wanted to SLAP myself so I’d stop getting on my OWN nerves!
Moose just glared at me. Then he smacked his lips and swallowed, like his mouth was watering. Unfortunately, he could take only so much of my silly antics. And soon he was FURIOUS!! . . .
ME, ACTING LIKE THE COOKIE MONSTER MUNCHER!
“They MELT in your mouth!” I said to Moose through the glass. Then I opened my mouth really wide and showed him my chewed-up cookies.
“I know, right?!” Erin agreed. “I could eat an entire box of those cookies by myself.”
Finally Moose gritted his teeth, dumped the computer on a nearby table, and raced toward the door.
I waited just long enough to make sure he was watching me, and then I took off running toward the cafeteria, my footsteps echoing down the hall.
“Max! What’s happening? Are you okay?” Erin asked, concerned.
“I’m fine! I just need to, um . . . use the bathroom,” I lied. “I’m kind of in a hurry. Just hold on for a minute, okay? I’ll be right back.”
Then I reached into my pocket, pulled out the cell phone, and clicked the MUTE button. Some serious stuff was about to go down. No joke!
14. LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!
Things were going just as I had planned. Moose was chasing me into the kitchen and yelling not-so-nice things.
All I had to do was get into position behind the counter, wait for him to come running in . . .
And then . . . BAM!!
We’d have one less burglar on our hands!
But, unfortunately, something went wrong.
I must have accidentally spilled some of that stuff I was making, because I hit a slippery spot on the floor and completely WIPED OUT!
I slid across the kitchen on my belly and just barely missed crashing headfirst into the stove.
When Moose finally caught up with me, he reached down and snatched me up off the floor. Literally!! . . .
“You’re a sniveling little RAT!” Moose snarled as he shook me. “What do you have to say NOW, TOUGH GUY?!”
While I was desperately fighting for my life, Moose accidentally “butt-dialed” the burner on the stove and set himself on fire.
And since he’s this big burly guy with huge muscles, I was a little surprised to hear a high-pitched scream that sounded like a squealing pig.
Actually, he sounded like a squealing BABY pig. You know, a PIGLET!
Honestly! I am NOT making this stuff up!
The fact that Moose was totally distracted by that fire made me feel a little braver.
So I got right up in his face and yelled, “DUDE! You want a piece of ME?! Just bring it, bro!”
Moose let go of me and rushed over to the kitchen sink. He grabbed the nozzle thingy and sprayed his backside with water until all the flames went out.
I was just about to make a run for it when Moose suddenly spun around and glared at me all evil-like.
His face was red and sweaty, and his hands were clenched into fists.
The back of his jacket and jeans were black and sooty and smelled like, um . . . burnt hot dogs.
I had a really BAD feeling about what was going to happen next. And it would probably be PAINFUL!
That’s when I finally realized that NOW was probably a REALLY good time for Erin to call the POLICE. You know, since I was about to DIE!
Then I suddenly remembered that I had put that STUPID phone on MUTE. My BAD!
I was about to give up hope when the WEIRDEST thing happened. Moose stared right past me as his FURIOUS scowl slowly melted into a DERANGED smile.
He had spotted my chocolate chip cookies!
“Lucky for you, kid, I’m STARVING! So I’m gonna rip your face off AFTER I have a little SNACK!”
He rushed right over to my cookies! And just as he was about to grab the box . . .
YES! I actually SLIMED Moose!
It was the perfect distraction I needed to take him down.
When the bucket landed on top of his head, he started yelling and screaming. . . .
“HELP! HELP! GET THIS BUCKET OFF OF MY HEAD! IT’S STUCK! I CAN’T SEE! GET IT OFF OF ME! HEEEELP!!”
I was definitely going to HELP Moose. Help END his career as a burglar.
HOW?! With a box of plastic cling wrap.
I wasn’t planning to wrap up a baloney-’n’-mustard sandwich for Moose. Instead, I was going to . . .
WRAP HIM UP! I guess you could say I was FINALLY starting to think outside the box!
I wrapped Moose’s entire body in plastic wrap.
Then I dragged him over to a nearby post and wrapped him again so he was tightly secured to it.
I was VERY sure he was not going anywhere anytime soon.
I couldn’t wait to share the good news with Erin. Especially since I couldn’t have done ANY of this without her help!
She had given me the great idea for slime when she mentioned the SLIMY chicken soup in the cafeteria.
And when I’d told her the random stuff I’d seen in the kitchen pantry, she’d quickly come up with her own original recipe for how to make slime with cornstarch, dish soap, and water.
I mixed it up, set up the booby trap, and then used her MY box of cookies as BAIT.
And IT WORKED! LIKE. A. CHARM!!
I pulled out my phone and hit the mute button so she could hear me again.
“Hi, Erin! Are you still there?! I’m back!”
“Yeah, I’m here. I decided to take a bathroom break too. Listen, Max, you really need to stop wasting time. According to my calculations, you have about twenty-six minutes of battery life left. And we haven’t even started looking for your comic book yet!”
“Thanks for the update, Erin. But at least we don’t have to worry about Moose anymore. I guess you could say he’s all tied up.”
“WHAT?!! Are you kidding me?! I step away for one minute just to go to the bathroom and—”
“Hey! It’s not my fault YOUR slime recipe took him out like that. You must be either a really GOOD cook or a really BAD one!” I teased.
“Okay, let me get this straight, Max! Our plan actually worked?! Moose is out of the picture?”
“No doubt! Hold on a second. I’ll put him back IN the picture.”
I held up my phone.
This is what Erin saw. . . .
OUR MUG SHOT OF MOOSE
“OMG! I guess you could say we really WRAPPED UP that situation!” Erin giggled.
“Yeah, the plan we COOKED UP was brilliant!” I laughed.
All joking aside, I was totally relieved that Moose was finally out of the way.
But things could have gone very badly.
NOTE TO SELF: Do NOT put cell phone on mute.
NEVER! EVER!!
Anyway, now we only had twenty-six minutes—no, make that twenty-five minutes—to take out Tucker and Ralph.
15. HOW NOT TO WRESTLE A THUG
I grabbed the box of cookies, hurried through the cafeteria, and cautiously peeked into the hall. “Erin, how about an update on Ralph and Tucker? I need to get to the gym.”
“Sure, Max. They’re both in the eighth-grade math classroom next to the computer lab, waiting on Moose to come back with the office computers. Ralph is still on his cell phone talking to his wife.
And Tucker said he was going to draw a picture of his cat, Mr. Fuzzybottoms, on the board.”
“Thanks! I’m on my way to the gym right now.”
“Just stay clear of the room they’re hanging out in and you should be fine. I’ll turn the lights on in the gym for you,” Erin said. “But hurry! We don’t want them to get impatient and go looking for Moose.”
I jogged toward the gym, hoping that the doors weren’t locked. About thirty seconds later I held my breath, pressed the gym door handle, pulled, and . . .
YES! The door was OPEN!
As I walked into the gym, I had to resist the urge to duck and run for cover.
Sure, the place was completely empty. But I still half expected to get CLOBBERED with a ball, courtesy of Thug Thurston. Ever since I threw up on his shoe in PE class, he has had it out for me. Hey, it was an ACCIDENT! So, DUDE! Get over it, already!
Just yesterday in PE class we were playing tennis and Thug kept slamming tennis balls at my head.
The LAST thing I need right now is to get in trouble at this school, so I just gritted my teeth and ignored him. But don’t get it TWISTED!
If I DIDN’T absolutely HATE being homeschooled by my grandma, I would have grabbed the TENNIS BALL THROWER out of the equipment room and chased Thug’s LAME behind around the gym until he threw up his Fruity Pebbles breakfast cereal! . . .
I’ll never forget the time Thug humiliated me in front of the ENTIRE PE class during wrestling. He actually beat me in less than ten seconds!
It really shouldn’t have bothered me that much since he’s older and almost twice my size.
The ONLY reason he beat me so QUICKLY was because he was CHEATING! Right under our PE teacher’s nose.
As soon as our match started, Thug shoved his sweaty, smelly, hairy ARMPIT right in my face! And since I already have asthma, I could barely breathe. I was lucky I didn’t pass out!
But I think Thug must have been holding HIS breath the entire time. WHY? Because he has such STANK body odor, HE should have PASSED OUT from breathing it too.
The next time we wrestle, I’m going to bring a little battery-operated fan. Then I’ll FINALLY beat Thug at his OWN dirty little GAME! In just THREE EASY STEPS! . . .
ME, CLASS WRESTLING CHAMP!
Anyway, I was looking around the gym, trying to come up with an idea that would stop the burglars.
“Erin, what in the gym can you control on your computer?” I asked.
“Let’s see. Actually, quite a bit. The game clock, scoreboard, buzzer, ceiling fan, and basketball backboard and net. I also see some audio files and Internet radio. Would you like to hear our school song, ‘Go, Green Gators’? Or how about ‘Lego Luv: The Remix’?” she snorted.
“No! Just . . . NO! BOTH of those songs are so CRAPPY, I’ll need a roll of toilet paper to wipe my ears!” I joked.
I was walking past the climbing rope when I suddenly got a really WACKY idea!
But I was worried it would probably be too complicated and difficult to pull off.
I decided to check out the equipment room, and I hit the jackpot! I found items I could use, like an old soccer goalie net, bungee cords, jump ropes, and an expandable pole with a hook on the end.
Erin and I had a quick brainstorming session and came up with a brilliant plan to take out Tucker.
I grabbed the expandable pole, and after a few tries I managed to unhook the rope and move it to a new location inside the gym.
I placed the soccer net and other items on the floor near the rope, Erin lowered the basketball hoop to within my reach, and FINALLY everything was ready. The ONLY thing missing was a burglar.
“So, HOW are we going to lure Tucker down here?” I asked Erin.
“Simple! Let’s just send him an invitation,” she answered.
“That’s the STUPIDEST idea EVER!” I exclaimed.
But after Erin explained all the details, I had to admit her idea was AWESOME! I grabbed my pen and ripped a blank page out of my journal. Then, in my neatest handwriting, I wrote the note that Erin dictated.
My heart was pounding as I headed to the classroom where the two crooks were hanging out. Luckily, Ralph was distracted with his phone call.
I knocked on the door loudly and then quickly stuck my note on the window of the door using a melted chocolate chip (sorry, I didn’t have any tape!) . . .
16. HOW TO ROPE A DOPE!
I didn’t wait around to see if Tucker actually answered the door or read my letter.
Instead, I sprinted back to the gym and hid out in the equipment room. Then I cautiously peeked out of a small window in the door to see if Tucker had taken the bait.
“Do you think he’s going to come?” I asked Erin.
But before she could answer, Tucker came jogging into the gym.
“Hey, Moose! What’s taking you so long with those office computers? Ralph is getting really MAD! And where are the cookies?! Is this some kind of a joke?! Because I don’t see . . . ! What the . . . ?! Moose?! WHY did you put my cookies up there?!”
WORDS cannot BEGIN to describe the PURE INSANITY that occurred inside that gym. So I won’t bother to use any. A picture is worth a thousand words, right? . . .
Hey, I WARNED you!
This stuff is enough to make your head EXPLODE!
I held up my phone so Erin could see what we had caught in our net. . . .
OUR MUG SHOT OF TUCKER
“OMG! This is CRAZY! I can’t believe our plan actually worked,” Erin uttered in disbelief.
After Tucker’s little ride on that fan, he was still a bit disoriented and kept mumbling, “Cookie! Bad cookie!”
But once he was able to chill out for a while up in that net, I was pretty sure he was going to be just fine.
The only burglar left was grumpy old Ralph. I had a really bad feeling he was going to be the hardest to take down. And since neither Moose nor Tucker had my comic book, Ralph was now the main suspect.
“Max, you better get going! According to my calculations, you only have about fourteen minutes of battery life left on your cell phone!” Erin warned. “And, to be safe, we agreed that I’d call the police when you got down to five minutes. Remember?!”
“Yes, Erin, I remember! Actually, how could I FORGET?!” I muttered. “Just stop worrying, okay?! I GOT this!”
I sighed and stuck my phone back in my pocket. Then I immediately started to panic.
My situation looked HOPELESS!
I STILL had to take out Ralph AND find that comic book, and I ONLY had NINE minutes left to do it!
NINE MINUTES?! That was IMPOSSIBLE!
I was also sick and tired of fighting—fighting Thug, fighting to escape from my locker, fighting the burglars, fighting my fears, fighting so other kids like me would have a chance.
I didn’t have a choice but to ask myself a very difficult question. . . . Was it finally time to accept defeat and KISS South Ridge Middle School good-bye?!
NO. FREAKING. WAY!
Sorry, but Max Crumbly was NOT going down like that!
17. HOW TO GET GROUNDED UNTIL YOUR TWENTY-FIRST BIRTHDAY!
Just the thought of dealing with Ralph again totally FREAKED me out! I didn’t know where to begin.
“So, Erin, do you have any ideas for Ralph?” I asked, trying not to panic.
“That guy is going to be tough! So I suggest we use my eighth-grade honors biology classroom. It’s super close to the stairwell to the south exit, and there’s lots of cool stuff in there that we can use. Including a biofuel rocket that I built. Did I mention I got an A+ on it?” she bragged.
“No! Actually, you didn’t,” I answered.
“Guess what, Max? I got an A+ on my rocket!”
“Very funny, Erin. I’m impressed!”
That’s when I heard a sudden commotion. At first I thought it was coming from the hall.
But then I took out my phone and saw this. . . .
“ERIN MADISON! Are you still awake at this hour? I thought I heard voices in
here! WHO are you talking to?!” her mom scolded.
“How many times have we told you no social media, texting friends, or cell phone calls AFTER nine p.m.? Erin, this has gotten completely out of hand!” her dad lectured.
“MOM?! DAD?! You didn’t KNOCK!! You both agreed NOT to just barge into my room like this! I’m entitled to my PRIVACY!” Erin complained.
“NOT when you’re breaking the rules, young lady!!” her mother shot back.
“Erin, you’re grounded for one week, and I’m confiscating your laptop. Hand it over NOW!” her dad demanded.
“NO! I CAN’T! THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT! I’M TALKING TO . . . I MEAN, I’M WORKING ON . . . A REALLY BIG . . . UM, SCHOOL PROJECT?!” Erin protested.
“Well, I’m sure your little project can wait until tomorrow! NOW GO. TO. SLEEP!” her dad scolded.
“DAD! NO!! PLEASE, GIVE ME BACK MY—”
CLICK! Then there was dead silence.
I just stared at my phone in complete shock.
18. HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY! NOT!!
Suddenly I felt really sick.
Like I was actually going to throw up.
It was one thing for ME to get MYSELF in trouble.
But I felt horrible knowing that I had gotten Erin in big trouble.
All because she was trying to help ME!
That’s when I decided it was GAME OVER! It was finally time to give up and go home.
Tomorrow morning I planned to go straight to Erin’s house and explain everything to her parents and apologize.
I didn’t really care what happened to me anymore.
My actions had hurt a person I really cared about, and that made me a total LOSER!
As I was leaving I couldn’t help but hear Ralph’s voice echoing through the hall.
He was talking on his cell phone. I crept up to the classroom door and eavesdropped. . . .