It really is a scary hotel, but it's all I could afford. After Asa was arrested, I grabbed my hidden stash and a few items of clothing and haven't stepped foot back inside that house.
I nod. "Two weeks, tops. Then I'll have my own place."
He sighs, relieved that I'm not arguing. But I honestly have no idea how I'll be able to afford an apartment in two weeks. I'll have to find a job and a car. I had to borrow Luke's car to visit Stephen today, but I can't keep doing that.
I feel Luke's hand slide through my hair and wrap around the nape of my neck. When our eyes meet, there's a softness in his that wasn't there a few seconds ago. "Stop overthinking it," he says quietly. "You aren't in this alone anymore, Sloan. Okay?"
I release a sigh. "Okay," I whisper.
It's the first time in my life I feel like my burdens aren't all mine. I've never met anyone who brings more relief to my life than they do stress. Until Luke.
Love shouldn't feel like added weight. It should make you feel as light as air.
Asa made everything in my life heavy.
Luke makes me feel like I'm floating.
I guess that's the difference between being loved the right way and the wrong way. You either feel tethered to an anchor...or you feel like you're flying.
"You need anything else?" I ask him.
It's the first time I've ever been to Luke's house, and I was shocked to see that it's very normal. A home in a neighborhood about an hour or so from where I lived with Asa. It's even closer to my brother's facility.
Luke says he rents the house, he doesn't own it. He never knows what his jobs are going to be, so he hasn't been ready to commit to a mortgage yet.
"I'm fine," he says. "Stop worrying. I'll let you know if I need anything, okay?"
I nod. I glance around his bedroom, not really knowing what I should do with myself. He probably wants some sleep. It just feels weird with this not being my house.
"You want to crawl in bed with me and watch a movie?" he asks, lifting the blanket.
"That sounds like heaven."
I crawl into bed and snuggle up to him just like I did at the hospital every day. He turns on the TV and begins flipping through the channels. After a minute or so, he says, "Thank you, Sloan."
I glance up at him. "For what?"
His eyes scroll over my face, slowly. "For everything," he whispers. "For taking care of me. For being as strong as you are, despite everything you've been through."
I know the doctor said no strenuous activity, but I doubt the doctor knew Luke could say such appealing things. I press my lips to his, because it feels hella good being thanked. And complimented. Heck, just having someone be nice to me is so new, it makes me melt every time he opens his mouth.
His hand comes around to the back of my head and he kisses me harder.
This isn't good. Luke is right. Four weeks of this and we're expected to refrain? Jesus Christ. We're screwed.
But then we're spared by a loud knock on the door.
"I'll get it," he says, pulling back the covers. I yank the covers back over him.
"No you won't. You'll rest. I'll get the door."
He grabs my hand as I'm sliding off the bed. "Check the peephole first," he says. "If it's Ryan, he'll scratch his neck to let you know it's safe to open the door. If he doesn't scratch his neck, do not open that door."
I pause, wondering why their silent codes are even necessary. I don't ask, though. This undercover shit is going to take some getting used to. I hope Luke was serious when he said he was switching professions.
When I reach the front door and check the peephole, sure enough, Ryan is scratching at his neck. But there's someone else with him. A girl.
"There's a girl with him!" I whisper loudly as I run back into Luke's bedroom.
"Long blonde hair?" he asks.
I nod.
"That's fine, it's just Tillie."
Tillie. Great.
I go back to the living room and enter the passcode to the alarm, then open the door.
"Hey," Ryan says, making his way inside, followed by Tillie. She smiles at me, but I'm already intimidated by her. She's a few inches taller than me, decked out in sleek black pants and a tucked in white collared shirt. She has the top two buttons open, revealing a shiny silver braided necklace. I've never seen simple look this good.
"Tillie, this is Sloan. Sloan, Tillie."
She reaches out to shake my hand and it almost hurts, she has such a good grip. I can't help but think about the fact that she's made out with Luke. Even if it was just for work, it still makes my stomach feel weird knowing this fact about them. I don't let it bother me too much though. I get it.
As if she can read my mind, she says, "I'm sorry about making out with Luke in your house. It was necessary, but will never happen again. Believe me. It's almost as bad as when I had to kiss this one for show," she says, pointing at Ryan.
Ryan rolls his eyes. "Tillie, Tillie, Tillie," he says. "That was over a year ago and you still can't stop thinking about my tongue in your mouth."
She nods. "Nightmares are hard to overcome."
I laugh. I instantly like her. I close the door behind me and point to the bedroom. "He's in his room," I tell them both.
Ryan glances toward the room and then back at me. There's something in his expression that concerns me, but he's trying to hide it with a forced smile. "You mind if we talk to Luke alone?" he asks.
I cross one arm over my stomach and grab the other. I look back and forth between him and Tillie. "Does it have to do with Asa?"
I can see Tillie look briefly in Ryan's direction, her eyes revealing that Asa is exactly what they intend to talk to Luke about.
"I want to know," I say to them. "If you don't let me hear what you're going to tell him, I'll eavesdrop at the door."
Ryan doesn't laugh. His lips tighten together and he just nods. "Fair enough," he says.
They both turn to walk into Luke's bedroom and I'm forced to inhale a calming breath.
This doesn't look good.
I can see Tillie and Ryan making their way into my bedroom, but my eyes are on Sloan. She's standing in the living room with her eyes closed, looking like she's about to be sick.
"What'd you say to her?" I ask Ryan.
Right when I ask him that question, she blows out a rush of air, opens her eyes, stands up straight, and walks toward my bedroom.
Ryan shakes his head. "Nothing. She's insisting on being in here for what I'm about to tell you."
Sloan is in the bedroom now, leaning against the door, watching as Ryan and Tillie make their way around the room to the couch. The last thing I want is for Sloan to be involved. If I could have my way, she'd never have to hear Asa's name again. But I know we've got a long road ahead of us and a lot of court hearings. Possibly even testimonies on the stand. So until Asa is convicted and put away for good, I know I'm not going to be able to protect her from all of it. Instead, I pat the spot beside me on the bed and encourage her to come sit with me.
She does. Once she's settled next to me and we're both propped against the headboard, I look at Ryan. "What is it you don't want to tell me?"
He shakes his head and leans forward, clasping his hands in front of him. "I don't even know where to start," he says, his eyes meeting mine. "I met with Young today."
"And?"
"It wasn't good," Ryan says. "I don't even know how to sugar coat this, so I'm just going to explain it in a way you'll both understand."
Sloan's hand wraps around mine and I can already feel her shaking. I squeeze her hand for reassurance. Ryan tends to overdramatize situations; I just wish Sloan knew that so she wouldn't be this worried.
"Asa is claiming he shot the guy in his bedroom out of self-defense."
Sloan scoffs. "It wasn't self-defense!" she says. "I was there!"
Ryan nods softly. "Not in defense of himself," Ryan says. "He claims he was defending you. That he heard you screaming for help, and when he walked into his roo
m, the guy was attacking you and he was holding a gun. He claims he had no other choice but to stop him before he killed you."
Sloan is shaking her head. "It wasn't..." She looks at me. "Luke, he didn't have to kill him."
I knew Asa was going to pull this shit. I wrap my arm around Sloan and refocus my attention on Ryan. "What does this mean exactly?" I ask. "When it goes to trial, his defense won't stand up to Sloan's testimony?"
Ryan blows out a quick breath. "That's what we're hoping," he says. "If it goes to trial."
"If?" Sloan says, voicing my exact thought.
Tillie speaks up this time. "The thing is..." she says. "It's a solid case of self-defense. The guy was holding an unauthorized weapon. Sloan was screaming for help. He was attacking her. Even with her testimony, Asa's defense holds up. And the gun he used was a legal firearm, registered in his name. Unlike the victim. Also, Asa is claiming to have no knowledge of who the men were who broke into the home. And the police haven't located any of the men who fled. Only the victim, who, so far, has no ties to Asa that we can prove."
I rake my hands down my face. I can hear Sloan's breaths speed up as she begins to realize what Ryan and Tillie are telling us.
"But what about the three of us?" I ask Ryan. "It's our word against his. We know he orchestrated that entire thing. He admitted to it out loud."
Ryan nods. "He admitted it to you, Luke," he says. "I never heard him say it, so I won't be able to testify against him. I wasn't in the room with the two of you. And..." Ryan pauses.
Tillie leans forward and says, "He's claiming the two of you set him up."
I sit up straight. "Are you fucking kidding me? What jury is going to believe that shit?"
This is ridiculous. They're in here saying absurd shit and upsetting Sloan. I shouldn't have let Ryan talk to me about this in front of her.
"I know this sounds crazy," Ryan says. "We all know how guilty he is. But to a jury...how do you think it's going to look that Asa's fiancee was knowingly sleeping with the undercover cop who was trying to have him arrested? How do you think it's going to look to a jury when it's Asa's fiancee and that undercover cop's word against his?"
Sloan's hand slips from mine and she covers her face. My chest is starting to ache with all of this.
"You knew I was pursuing her, Ryan. If I knew it would jeopardize the case..." I was about to say I wouldn't have done it, but I shut my mouth. Because I would have done it. I did do it. I pursued her, no matter the consequences, and now it's putting us in a huge fucking bind.
"Depending on the judge," Tillie says, "he might throw the case out before it even goes to trial. Most cases of self-defense are ruled justified homicide if there's a witness to corroborate the defendant's story."
"There's no one to corroborate his story, though," I say.
Both Ryan and Tillie look at Sloan. Ryan nudges his head at her. "Sloan's story will most likely corroborate his claim of self-defense."
"How?" Sloan says, flabbergasted.
Ryan stands up and walks around the bed, leaning against the wall nearest Sloan.
"Was the victim attacking you?" he asks.
Sloan nods.
"Was he holding a gun?"
Sloan nods again.
"Was he impersonating an officer?"
Another nod.
"Did you scream for help?"
She doesn't nod this time. A tear just pours down her cheek. "Twice," she whispers.
"And how did you feel when Asa walked into the room?" Ryan asks. "A jury is going to ask you these questions under oath."
A sob breaks from her chest. "Relieved," she whispers through tears. "Terrified. And relieved."
Ryan nods. "That's enough to back up his claims, Sloan. He rescued you from an attacker. That's hardly murder in the eyes of a jury, no matter how evil we all know he is. His whole character isn't what will be on trial. Only that one action."
"But..." Sloan wipes tears from her eyes. "He didn't have to shoot him. He could have stopped him without killing him."
Ryan nods in agreement. "I know he could have. We all do. But the jury won't know Asa like we do. And they'll put you up on the stand and tear you apart, Sloan. They'll make Asa look like the victim, because you're his fiancee. Yet you were knowingly having an affair with the undercover cop who was developing a case against him. That will lend sympathy to Asa's case and your testimony against Asa will lose any and all credibility in the eyes of the jury."
"But," she stands up, wiping at her eyes. "What about your case against Asa? Won't that back up my claims? Won't that have any bearing on the potential murder charge?"
Ryan's eyes meet mine. He releases a rush of air and then walks back to the couch. "That's another reason why we're here," he says. "Young doesn't want to move forward with any charges in our investigation. None of our reports were complete because our investigation was still ongoing. Young is afraid if we press charges and this goes to trial, the department will be ripped to shreds in the press. It doesn't look good that one of our cops was involved in an affair with our main subject's fiancee. The fact that we broke cover to fake agents. They're afraid the chances of Asa actually being charged with anything are far less than the chances of us ruining the department's reputation. Young is requesting the case be closed and no charges be filed. He says it's not worth the risk."
"Oh my God," Sloan says, taking a seat on the bed. She drops her elbows to her knees and holds her head in her hands. "This is all my fault," she whispers.
I reach over and pull her hand to mine. "Sloan, it's not your fault. It's my fault. I was the one on duty." I look up at Ryan. "What about the fact that he tried to kill me? He shot me in the chest and that wasn't self-defense. He'll be charged with that, right?"
I can see the roll of Ryan's throat as he swallows.
"You have to be fucking kidding me," I whisper, dropping my head against the headboard.
"He's claiming self-defense in that case, too," Ryan says. "You both shot each other. Sloan was the only witness in the room. I can only testify to what I heard from outside the door."
"He almost killed me, Ryan!"
Ryan and Tillie both glance at each other. Tillie clears her throat and then says, "The thing is, Luke...with the shit storm of that whole day, if the DA charges him with anything, chances are, you'll be charged, too. And you'll both go to trial."
"I'll be charged? What the fuck will I be charged with?"
"It depends on the judge. Felony assault...attempted murder. And without the department taking the case to court...it will look like you and Asa just had a standoff in a bedroom. The result of a love triangle gone wrong."
I can hear Sloan crying now.
I can't even force another question; my mind is going in all fucking directions now. "So you're telling me that not only does this sick fucker have a chance at getting away with everything he did...I'm looking at facing charges?"
Ryan nods, slowly. "Unless...we work out some sort of a plea deal. His lawyers are pushing for it. They want us to agree to drop the charges in exchange for information on Jon and Kevin and a few other people in the investigation. Like I said, Luke, it all depends on the judge. And the District Attorney, of course. That's a good thing, because the DA likes you. I don't see him pushing for anything when it comes to charges against you, but if we push for charges to be brought against Asa, his lawyers are going to push back. So you need to think about that long and hard."
I can't even believe what I'm hearing right now.
"What about everything else he's done?" Sloan asks. "All the times he forced himself on me? Can I not press charges against him for that?"
Tillie nods. "You can, but what exactly are you claiming? Rape? Did he rape you?"
Sloan glances at me, then back at Tillie. She shrugs. "I don't even know," she says quietly. "There were several times I...I was terrified he would hurt me so...I just let him."
Tillie stands up and walks over to the bed, sitting next to Sloan. "Did you ever tell
him no? Did you ever ask him to stop and he refused?"
Sloan pauses in thought, and then shakes her head. "No, I was too scared to say no. I pretended I was okay with it every time."
Tillie tilts her head in sympathy and squeezes Sloan's hand. "I'm afraid that won't hold up in court," she says. "All he has to do is claim he wasn't aware that you didn't want to have sex with him. If the accused is never told no and assumes you're willing based on your actions..."
Sloan's head falls back into her hands. Then she just leans toward me and collapses against my chest. I wrap my arms around her and press my lips to her head.
"I'm sorry," Tillie says. "There were several things that could have been handled differently to prepare for a solid case against him. Several things that prevent us from pursuing Asa like we wish we could."
"You mean several things I messed up," I interject.
Ryan stands. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Luke. I encouraged several of those mistakes. Sometimes cases are cut and dry. Sometimes we get everything we need before the end of an investigation. Unfortunately, this isn't one of those. This one was messy from beginning to end, and there isn't much we can work with at this point. They found nothing in his house after Jon and Kevin cleared out with whatever would enable us to file charges. All they found was some unexplained cash and a stash of prescription pills. It's not enough to go after him--not with the way Asa and his lawyers are going to fire back at us. Sometimes it's just not worth the fight."
I feel Sloan tense against me. She lifts up and glares at Ryan. "Not worth the fight?" she says. "He murdered someone! And he would have killed Luke if it weren't for six fucking centimeters! Now you're saying he'll likely walk free? He's going to be able to find me? To find Luke? Because he's not giving up, Ryan! He won't give up until Luke is dead and you know that!"
"Sloan," I say, pulling her back to me. "Stop. We don't know that he won't be convicted of anything yet. Try to calm down."
She cries against my chest and I hold her while Ryan stares down at her, the regret and sympathy evident in his expression. He just nods slightly and says, "I'm sorry, Sloan. I really am." He looks at me and his eyes are saying the same thing to me. I nod, letting him know I understand. This isn't Ryan's fault. This isn't anyone's fault but my own.