Chapter 10
My stomach shakes with anticipation, when Evan parks the car. I don’t know what to expect, I’m scared people will stare at me and whisper nasty things behind my back. I square my shoulders and tell myself that it doesn’t matter what other people say, I decide what’s true and what’s not. I decide how I feel about myself not anyone else. Lost in my thoughts Evan slips his hand in mine and gives it a squeeze, “I’m glad you’re here.”
I smile up at him. I slip out of the car and follow in his footsteps. I look around and see Kammie and Blake are still in his truck. I turn back and follow Evan into the church. Nerves crackle in my ears, when he leads me through a room filled with pews and pretty windows, and into a hallway with three or four doors. He walks up to a random door and opens it pulling me in after him.
Several heads turn in our direction; causing me to look to the floor, my cheeks burn red from embarrassment. He pulls me to the back of the table and we sit in a gray metal chair. All eyes in the room slide to me, Evan leans in and whispers in my ear, “It’s because you’re so pretty.”
My face burns hot, I don’t think him giving me attention while they are giving me attention will make judgment on me easy. They’ll probably say I’m a slut or something. I look around the room at the curious faces and I take in the girls’ attire. They’re all wearing jeans and tees. I close my eyes, I just know my skirt is too short; my shirts a little too tight. I didn’t think it was trashy before, but now I think they’ll think it’s trashy. I’m starting to regret coming here, I never should have told him I wanted to go. But the thought of the disappointment I might see in those brown eyes if I didn’t come tonight was enough to make me want to at least give it a try.
Blake walks in with Kammie. His face is blank as he takes an empty seat across from me. Kammie’s face is all aglow and she’s smiling at everyone she passes. I wish I could be like that. Free to be me without fear of judgment. She takes a seat and the room starts buzzing with conversations. Evan is talking excitedly to us when someone taps him on the shoulder. It’s a small boy who looks like he’s probably in elementary school and he looks a lot like Evan.
The little boy opens his mouth to reveal gaps from where he’s lost some baby teeth, “who’s that?” he points a chubby finger in my face.
Evan grabs the boy’s finger and pulls it from my face, “my girl friend.”
The boy’s eyes widen before he gets a look of pure delight, “Ew your girlfriend,” he laughs, “Evan’s got a girlfriend! Evan’s got a girlfriend,” he starts to sing.
A woman walks into the room and laughs, “get to your group Shawn.” The little boy grumbles about wanting to see who Evan brought and she shoots him a warning glare. The boy heads out the door before shouting that Evan’s girlfriend smells causing the room to erupt with laughter; including me.
The woman tells us to settle down before she introduces herself as the teacher, “I see we have two new faces,” she smiles looking at me and Kammie. I give a smile and she continues, “Evan?”
Evan clears his throat and shoots me an apologetic smile, “I brought Lexi and this is her first time at youth group,” the woman nods and tells me she’s glad I could make it and waits for Blake to introduce Kammie.
Then we are split up into groups of three. My stomach flip flops when the teacher decides to split me and Evan up. I’m relieved to find myself in Blake’s group, I follow him over to the corner of the room and we sit in the floor and we’re joined by a nerdish looking boy with large-framed glasses. I know those things are in right now, but I don’t really like them much. Nerd boy introduces himself as Justin and he starts talking to Blake about classes. Turns out he’s kind of cool and not so nerdy as I thought, which gets me to thinking I shouldn’t be judging people either. The teacher explains as she drops off piles of laminated cards in each group what she wants us to do. The pieces of paper are verses from the bible and we are supposed to stick them in the right category on the board.
My stomach gulps, causing my heart to beat wildly as I look at the pile. I’m mortified because I’ve never read the Bible in all my life; I was going to be dead weight in this group. Justin looks at me, “What’s the matter?”
I don’t say anything I look around the room panicked. Kammie seems to be smiling and leaning over her pile with the other people in her group. And Evan, well he’s smiling the way Evan always does, as he looks over his cards and sorts things out talking things over with his group.
I look back at Justin and shake my head, “I, I” I gulp in a shaky breath, “I don’t go to church and I’ve never read the Bible.” I bite my lip scared that he’ll judge me like I’ve judged him. Scared he’ll laugh and call me a slut or dirt or something along those lines.
Justin gives me a smile, “Well that’s okay! Shoot, I go to church and I still will probably have trouble.” He looks at me and he sounds so sincere.
I look wide and wild-eyed at Blake, “It’s true Lexi,” he gives me a smile and hands me a paper, “this is more about learning than winning.” I stare at him and he smiles a real smile making me melt, “seriously everyone wins by learning the Bible, this is just a fun way to teach us.” I drop my eyes from his face, part of me wonders where this side of him is coming from. One minute he treats me like he hates me and the next it’s like he’s my best friend or something more. Blake makes me think of cat and mouse and running out of time, I shake these thoughts and remind myself it doesn’t matter if he likes me or not. What matters is that he’s with Kammie and I’m with Evan.
Relief floods my body and I stare down at the piece of paper in my hand. I read it over and over in mind. Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong. Let them turn to the Lord that he may have mercy on them. Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive us generously. I let the words wash over mind; I let them wash over my body. There’s nothing flashy about it, but something in those little words speak volumes and move mountains inside me. I didn’t know I was craving such a soul-searching forgiveness until I found this verse. Or maybe I did know. Tears well in my eyes; but go no further. I feel guilty that I don’t miss my mom; that I have replaced her with Melissa and Trev. I feel guilty for knowing that Trevor and Kammie cheated. I don’t want to lie to Kim anymore; but I don’t want Trevor to lose her either, but maybe he didn’t deserve her.
And then my chest aches when I look at smiling Evan. I feel so guilty for being attracted to Blake; I really don’t want to hurt Evan. He’s such a good person and I think I need him in my life right now. I don’t think I am good enough for him, but maybe that can change. I reread the verse again and a little flutter thumps in my chest. I don’t know what it means; but I do know that I refuse to be selfish and hurt Evan.
Blake and Justin are looking at me, “Are you okay?” Blake whispers softly.
I nod, “hey you don’t have to beat yourself up for not knowing,” Justin takes the paper from my hand and smiles, “We’re just guessing on most of these.”
I smile and close my eyes so the tears don’t fall, “how are you forgiven?”
Justin frowns down at the card he took from me and doesn’t say anything he just thinks to himself. Maybe he didn’t hear me speak and maybe he was lost in thought trying to figure out what book of the Bible the verse came from. Either way he didn’t say anything to let us know. I look at Blake because I really want to know, “you accept Christ as your savior, confess that he is the son of the living God, repent,” I screw up my face in confusion, “you feel remorse for your sins and admit it and stop sinning,” Blake tilts his head and then he continues, “and if you are already saved you say you’re sorry to God and ask for forgiveness.”
I absorb his words and my brain attempts to metabolize it, “I kind of understand what you are saying, I mean because it’s so simple but it’s not.” Blake smiles, “but what do you mean by savior and Christ?”
Blake looks like I’ve put him on the spot, and I didn’t mean to, but I just wanted to u
nderstand, and right now I didn’t. Justin looks up from the card, “it’s a lot to explain and it’s also simple,” he waves a hand in the air, “it’s called faith. It all chalks up to faith. Can you have enough faith to believe in something that sounds so surreal?”
I listen to him and shake my head, “it is a little hard to swallow, I mean I wasn’t raised in a church, and it’s just a lot to take in.” I tried to break down what they were saying, but it really was confusing. I mean it’s not that I didn’t believe in God. I don’t think we just appeared on the planet, I do believe something’s out there; something made us. So maybe I did believe in God, which is weird because no one has ever talked to me about God, but I still believed deep down.
Blake stretches his arms behind him and props himself up, “It’s all about faith and forgiveness and loving people.”
Justin smiles, “and we all have our doubts. Even Christians,” I look at Blake who nods in agreement, “I mean every now and then I’ll question how or why? And all it boils down to is Satan wants to prove that my faith isn’t strong enough.”
I shudder, “he’s real?” All those crazy movies of demon possession come to surface and chills prickle up over my arms.
Blake rubs my arm, “but God’s more powerful, don’t let Satan trick you into being scared,” and as quickly as he touches me, he withdraws his hand.
Justin wiggles his brows, “Yeah Satan’s bad, he doesn’t want anybody to go to heaven,” I raise a brow, “he doesn’t care how he gets you just as long as he gets you,” and the tingles erupt all over my body. There’s something about what he said that just makes me come to life and I really want to be saved. I don’t know how to get there, but I just hoped that I did get there.
I didn’t want to be bad, I didn’t want to hide bad secrets; but I also didn’t want to cause drama. I was tired of being so torn. And I was tired of not knowing what was right and wrong. Maybe I could ask Evan on the ride home. Maybe I could ask him without betraying everyone I knew. It wasn’t long before we all took our turns and placed the verses where we thought they went. It was fun and also a relief to see that I wasn’t the only one who didn’t know where things went. It was my turn to go up when Justin gives me the forgiveness verse, “Isaiah.”
I bend back to the floor, “What?” I whisper.
Justin smiles, “Isaiah; this goes under Isaiah.” I nod a thanks then place the paper where he told me it belonged. I hurry back to my seat, because I didn’t like everyone staring at me.