“What are you doing?” Raine asked.
“Waiting for night,” I replied. It was a stupid response, but I didn’t feel much like talking.
“Are you going to stab me in my sleep?” she said, and I looked up quickly to determine if she was joking or not. I couldn’t tell by her expression. She just looked…resigned. I narrowed my eyes and shook my head.
“Of course not,” I growled. “Why the fuck would I do that?”
“How would I know?” She shrugged and rolled the empty cup back over towards me and the kits. Obviously, she didn’t even want to move closer to me, but I couldn’t really blame her for that. “Why do you do anything you do?”
“Because I’m a selfish bastard, usually,” I said, “but killing you off wouldn’t really benefit me. Besides, I’d never kill someone when they were sleeping. That’s just against the rules.”
“What rules?”
“Rules of combat.”
“Were you a soldier?”
“No.”
“What kind of combat?” she asked.
“Do we really need to go over this again?” I retorted.
“You’ve already told me a lot,” she said, tilting her head and raising her eyebrows at me.
Shit. I was afraid of that.
“What did I say?”
She looked away and then finally moved her eyes back to me. I just looked right back at her, waiting.
“You kept talking about all the people that died,” she finally said. “You said you killed a lot of people.”
I tensed. If I had told her too much or if she figured out what I did, she could be in a lot of danger. If she ever talked about it to anyone else and someone believed her, she could get herself killed. I turned my gaze on her and spoke slowly.
“Tell me exactly what I told you.”
She shifted her eyes away from mine and bit down into her lower lip nervously.
“I didn’t understand a lot of it,” she said. “You said something about tournaments and about people dying in them. You said you always won.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“And what else did I say?”
“Nothing else about fighting.”
Good, but not necessarily great. I also felt a little bit of…remorse? Like it would have been better if she did know.
“What else did I say that wasn’t about fighting?”
“You talked about…a woman,” she said. I didn’t miss how carefully she avoided saying the name, which was a good move on her part. I didn’t want to know what I said about her.
“What else?”
“You just kind of…mumbled stuff.” She looked down at her hands in her lap and started twisting her fingers around each other.
“Bullshit. What else did I say?”
Her eyes darted back to mine and then away from me, confirming she was holding something back.
“You kept asking me why no one wanted you,” she finally said.
I laughed.
“Well, it’s good to know there’s some part of me that isn’t a conceited dick.”
“You just want people to think that,” Raine said.
“I don’t give a fuck if people think that or not,” I shot back.
“I held you,” she said, her voice was tense and gaining in volume. “I held you, and you cried, and you asked me why no one had ever wanted you. You asked me why your own mother didn’t want you. You asked me why it hurt so much and if I could make it stop hurting. I may not know a lot about you, but I know you aren’t as much of a badass as you want people to think you are.”
“You know that, do you?” I sneered, tired of this psychoanalytical game she was playing. A string of curses formed in the back of my throat and were on their way out when I stopped and let out a long, deep breath. I was suddenly very, very tired, and I dropped my head into my hands.
“Look, Raine,” I started with a sigh, “I know you are just…trying to help – or whatever – but I really don’t want to be helped. I like being drunk, and the first opportunity I get, I’m going to get drunk again.”
“I want to know why,” she said simply.
“Why what?”
“Why you became an alcoholic,” she said. “I just watched you go through hell and just about drag me through it with you. I want to know why.”
“We’ve been through this,” I reminded her. “I don’t talk about my past.”
“Well, that was before I kept you from choking to death,” she launched at me. “It was before I cleaned blood off your face when you tried to bite through your cheek. It was before you called me every name in the book. It was before I held you while you cried for four hours straight, and it was before you fucking hit me for trying to help you!”
Wow, I didn’t think I had heard her curse before.
My first reaction was to yell back at her, and I came very, very close to doing so. My second reaction was to say fuck it all and throw her off the raft, but it was just a fleeting fantasy, not something I really considered. I thought about tossing myself off the raft, too, figuring that was probably the best thing for all concerned. Then I considered just turning away and giving her the silent treatment indefinitely. As much as she liked to talk, it would probably kill her.
The decision I finally made probably shocked me more than it did her.
“Fine. I’ll tell you.”
“You will?”
“Yeah, but not until night. I need an actual fucking meal before I get into any of that shit.”
“Meal?” she asked. I could hear the glimmer of hope in her tone. “How are you going to manage that?”
I looked over to her and gave her a half smile.
“Wait and see.”
* * * * *
The water was calm which was going to make everything a lot easier. I made sure the lead was fastened tightly around my stomach before I pushed off of the raft with the knife in one hand and the waterproof flashlight in the other. I used the make-shift snorkel constructed from the tubing holding the raft’s canopy to breathe while I remained relatively motionless just under the waves. Only the flashlight moved – bobbing up and down and flashing around in the water.
I don’t know how long I was out there, only that I was nearly exhausted and ready to give up when a two-foot long Black Jack saw the light and came over to check it out. It swam around me in circles for a few minutes before it finally darted in close enough and tried to nibble at the light in front of my face.
I was instantly alert, and all the fatigue left me. For a moment, I could see and hear everything around me clearly, even through the murky water. I knew the location of every muscle in my body and the relative tension of each. My skin tingled, waiting for the moment when I would strike. It was the same feeling I had at the start of every tournament. Anticipation for the battle, yes, but so much more than that.
Total awareness.
You will feel it when you are ready. Absolute focus.
The knife went right through the side of the big fish, and the creature jerked swiftly right and left. I already had an arm around it, feeling its scales cut into my bicep and ignoring the pain as they imbedded in my skin. I twisted the knife back and forth before yanking it up and into the base of the skull. It stopped its jerking and sank onto the blade.
I broke through the surface of the water holding dinner over my head and saw Raine up on the edge of the raft, clapping her hands with a huge smile on her face. I couldn’t return it because the snorkel was still in my teeth, but I could feel the corners of my mouth trying to smile back at her anyway. I shoved the flashlight into my shorts and used the rope lead to get myself back to the edge of the raft where I spat out the snorkel.
“Oh, wow! I have never seen anything like that!” Raine shouted, looking like she wanted to start jumping up and down and probably toss herself right off of the raft.
I lifted the fish onto the folded down canopy and pulled myself up after it. As soon as I was back in the raft,
I felt her arms wrap around my shoulders and her lips momentarily press into my cheek.
“That was the most incredible thing I have ever seen!” she squealed. She looked flustered as she moved back away from me. “I mean – I couldn’t see very well because of the water, and you drifted a little ways away, but I could see the light, and I saw the fish try to jump out of the water, and you just held it, and…”
“Raine! Relax!”
“How in the world did you do that?”
I arched an eyebrow at her and gave her a half grin.
“I’m just that good,” I answered, winking at her.
“Oh, Daniel!” she exclaimed, her eyes darting down to my bicep. “You’re bleeding!”
I looked over to my arm and saw about a dozen scales imbedded in my skin. I quickly yanked them out and held the towel to my arm for a minute.
“It’s not deep,” I said. Raine had her hands over her mouth and looked like she wanted to puke. “Don’t you dare get sick on me!”
She nodded and swallowed hard.
“Besides,” I smiled up at her, opening my eyes wide, “I like a little pain and blood – it makes people think it was a lot harder than it really was.”
“You look so smug right now!” Raine laughed.
“Well, I know what’s coming next,” I said.
“What’s next?” she asked, her jovial tone dropping down a couple of notches.
“You get the best part of the fish.”
“I do?”
“Yep.” I sat down and handed her the light so she could point it down where I was working. I ditched the crappy little survival knife and reached across the raft to my jackknife instead. I split the fish open from the top and carefully cut around the vertebrae, paying special attention not to pierce the spinal column. “You might have to close your eyes and not think about it, but this is definitely the best part.”
Raine sat back on her heels, eyeing me warily now. She glanced as I pulled out the entire length of vertebrae with the intact spinal column.
“What am I supposed to do with that?”
“Well, if I were you,” I told her, “I would not ask any questions, close my eyes, and just do what I’m told. I figure you’re going to want all the gory details though, aren’t you?”
She nodded.
“You’re sure?” I took a deep breath and proceeded after another quick nod. “The spinal fluid is mostly water, and unlike the water in the rest of the tissues, there’s almost no salt in it. It’s the freshest water you can get out of the ocean, but you have to drink it now because it’s going to leak out quick. I don’t want it wasted.”
“You want me to…drink…” She couldn’t even finish the sentence.
“Sit back,” I said, nudging her with my shoulder. For once, she did what I said and dropped from her knees down to her ass. It made her chest bounce a little, which made me smile a little.
“What are you smiling at?” she asked.
“Nothing,” I answered, shaking my head to clear it. I was a sick fucker; I knew that. I was probably the only man in existence who could get horny from pretty much any physical activity. Fishing was no exception.
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Just close your eyes and open your mouth.” I couldn’t help but smile more and raise my eyebrows at her. “When I tell you to suck, suck.”
“Oh, very funny,” she snapped back at me. “I’m not going to…”
“Don’t think,” I interrupted, tilting her head back a little with my finger under her chin. “Don’t taste. Just drink it down as fast as you can.”
“Why me?” she asked. “Why don’t you drink it?”
“You need it more than I do.”
I don’t know how she managed to do it, really, but she closed her eyes and opened her mouth, and I cut through the spinal column and held it up to her lips.
“Suck hard,” I said, trying not to picture myself putting something else in her mouth. She did, grimacing at first, and I thought she might not finish it. “Don’t stop!”
She listened and gulped it all down quickly. It would help her a lot with the digestion of the fish’s flesh.
“That was really, really disgusting.”
“Beats death,” I shrugged. “I thought you looked kind of hot doing that.”
“You are sick.” Raine’s face turned into a grimace, and she looked around the raft nervously.
I shrugged again since I didn’t have any argument against that.
“Ready to eat?”
“How are you going to cook it?”
“Seriously, Raine?” I stifled the laugh. “Princesses like you know all about sushi. I should be charging you at least ten bucks for every piece.”
“Raw?” She cringed and made her face scrunch up.
“All you have to do is imagine the rice and wasabi,” I smiled, trying to put her at ease a little. I cut off a piece and downed it myself, trying not to chew it too much because it really wasn’t particularly tasty. I cut another one and held it out to her.
Raine looked at the piece of raw fishy-flesh between my fingers then back to me. She did that a couple of times before she finally took it and shoved it into her mouth, chewing and swallowing quickly.
“That’s awful,” she said.
“I know,” I replied. I smiled at the face she was making and tried not to laugh out loud. “But it’s a shitload better than nothing.”
“If that’s what sushi tastes like, I’m glad I never had it.”
“You never had sushi?” I marveled. “I thought all you high society bitches were weaned on that shit.”
“Why do you think I’m rich?” she asked.
“Because you were a passenger on my ship, and it costs a fucking fortune to travel like that,” I answered. “You have to be.”
“Well, I’m not,” she said. “I told you, my father was a cop. He didn’t make a lot of money.”
Well, yeah, I did remember that. I kind of figured mom must have been a doctor or an executive or something.
“How’d you get on my ship?”
“I used the settlement money from the state,” she answered. “I never wanted it, but I got it anyway. Lindsay convinced me to use most of it for the cruise.”
“You should have booked a chalet in Aspen or something.”
“I think you are probably right.”
“But hey, if you had done that,” I said, holding my arms out wide and smiling, “you wouldn’t have met me and had the time of your life with the biggest asshole in the Caribbean detoxifying right in front of you!”
At least I made her laugh.
“You are an ass,” she agreed.
“I know,” I said, still smiling. I held up a chunk of fish meat. “At least I’m a useful ass.”
“Why are you so…cheerful all of a sudden?” she asked.
I tore another chunk of muscle with my teeth and ate it, looking at her and debating.
“I always feel this way after a fight,” I finally said. “Leftover adrenaline or something.”
“Is that when you started drinking? To get rid of the extra energy or whatever?”
“No,” I said shaking my head and scowling. “I might have a beer or something, but I never really drank after a fight.”
“When did you start to drink more?”
I looked over to her and knew this was exactly what she was waiting for, and she wasn’t going to let me out of it until I gave her some answers or fucking gagged her. I did want to gag her, but not quite in that way. I know – I’m fucking depraved.
“I didn’t start really drinking until after my last fight.”
“Did you lose?”
“I never lost,” I snorted. Losers didn’t walk away from a fight.
“Tell me about it,” she insisted.
“Finish eating and let me clean this shit up first,” I said with a sigh.
My mood fell a bit, and we ate in silence until neither of us could eat any more. I let us both drink
a little more water than usual since we had enough for now, and the proteins in the fish would take more water to digest. I thought about taking a few of the bigger pieces of flesh from the Black Jack and cutting them into strips so they could dry, but I doubted we would have enough water left to eat them after a day or so anyway, so it all got pitched over the side. Raine helped me clean off the top of the canopy where we cleaned and ate the fish, wash out the towels, and get the canopy back in its track so it would offer us sun protection come morning.
Once we were back under the canopy and settled in, I sighed and looked over to her. She was barely illuminated by the little solar powered battery light at the top of the raft canopy. The light would only last a couple more hours, and I wondered how long it would take me to tell her all of this.
Part of me was glad – looking forward to it, even. I’d never told anyone how it all happened. Most of me was about as scared as I had ever been because I didn’t want her to know all of this about me. I took a long, deep breath and decided to just get on with it.
“I’m going to tell you a bunch of shit that’s totally illegal,” I said to Raine, looking her in the eye. “On the off chance we live through this, you can never tell anyone about it. If you do, someone’s likely to track you down and kill you.”
“If you’d kill me for knowing, why tell me?”
“It wouldn’t be me tracking you down,” I said. “Understand?”
She nodded and agreed not to repeat anything I was about to tell her. I didn’t know if I could trust her or not, but I was going to tell her anyway.
“The first time I sent someone to the hospital from a fight was third grade.” I waited for her gasp and wasn’t disappointed. “Yeah, I was a dick then, too. He only needed a couple of stitches, but still – I started early. I had a lot of energy and a lot of tension, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I always had problems with my temper, and anytime I got pissed off about something, I usually talked with my fists. No one ever really tried to get me to channel all the energy and anger somewhere else until Landon, and I was nearly an adult, then. If I remember right, I already told you the deal with my real parents.”