He likely wouldn't have said it had the brandy warming his blood not loosened his tongue, as well. Seeing Harry's eyes bulge, though, he wanted to laugh, in spite of his regret.
Harry leapt to his feet and, going to the door, glanced wildly up and down the corridor, before turning to glare at Grey.
"I should like to see you do better. Who the devil told you?"
"How many people know?" Grey countered. "I guessed. You gave me that book for Diderot, after all." He hadn't guessed but didn't want to reveal the source of his information, that being his mother.
"You read it?" The color was beginning to come back into Harry's normally florid face.
"Well, no," Grey admitted. "Monsieur Diderot read a number of selections from it aloud, though." He grinned involuntarily at the recollection of M. Diderot--very intoxicated--declaiming poetry from Harry's anonymously published Certain Verses Upon the Subject of Eros while urinating behind a screen in Lady Jonas's salon.
Harry was examining him, narrow-eyed.
"Hmmph," he said. "You wouldn't know a dactyl from your left thumb. Benedicta told you."
Grey's eyebrows shot up. Not in offense at Harry's impugning of his literary judgment--which was more or less true--but in surprise. For Harry to have referred to Grey's mother by her Christian name--while revealing that she knew about the poetry--was a shocking revelation as to the intimacy of their acquaintance.
He had wondered how his mother had come to know that Harry wrote erotic poetry. He returned the narrow look, with interest.
Harry, belatedly realizing what he'd given away, looked as innocent as it was possible for a thirty-eight-year-old colonel of expansive habit, lecherous appetite, and considerable experience to look. Grey debated briefly whether to make something of that look, but, after all, his mother was safely married now to General Stanley, and neither she nor the general would thank him for causing scandal--and he really didn't want to call Harry out, anyway.
He settled for saying repressively, "The lady is my mother, sir," and Harry had the grace to look abashed.
Before more could be said, though, the front door opened and a cold draft swirled down the hall, lifting the papers on the desk and scattering them at Grey's feet. He stooped swiftly to pick them up before Harry could reach them.
"Christ, Harry!" His eye flickered hastily over the careful script.
"Give that back!" Harry growled, making a snatch at the paper.
Holding Harry off with one hand, he read further, out loud: "With thighs bedew'd and foaming cunt--Jesus, Harry, foaming?"
"It's a bloody rough draft!"
"Oh, it's rough, all right!" He stepped nimbly backward into the hall, evading Harry's grasp, and collided heavily with a gentleman who had just come in.
"Lord John! I do beg your pardon most humbly! Are you injured?"
Grey blinked stupidly for a moment at the enormous fair man looming solicitously over him, then straightened up from his ignominious collapse against the paneling.
"Von Namtzen!" He clasped the big Hanoverian's hand, absurdly delighted to see him again. "What brings you to London? What brings you here? Come and have supper with me, can you?"
Captain von Namtzen's sternly handsome face was wreathed in smiles, though Grey saw that it bore the marks of some recent difficulty, the lines between nose and mouth harsher than they had been, hollows beneath the broad cheekbones and the deep-set eyes. He squeezed Grey's hand to express his pleasure at their reacquaintance, and Grey felt a few bones give, though nothing actually cracked.
"I should be so pleased," von Namtzen said. "But I am engaged ..." He turned, looking vaguely behind him and gesturing toward a well-dressed gentleman who had been standing out of range. "You know Mr. Frobisher? His lordship John Grey," he explained to Frobisher, who bowed.
"Certainly," the gentleman replied courteously. "It would give me great pleasure, Lord John, was you to join us. I have two brace of partridge ordered, a fresh-caught salmon, and a vast great trifle to follow--Captain von Namtzen and I will be quite unequal to the occasion, I am sure."
Grey, with some experience of von Namtzen's capacities, rather thought that the Hanoverian was likely to engulf the entire meal single-handedly and then require a quick snack before retiring, but before he could excuse himself, Harry snatched the kidnapped papers from his hand, thus requiring an introduction to Frobisher and von Namtzen, and in the social muddle that ensued, all four found themselves going in to supper together, with a salmagundi and a few bottles of good Burgundy hastily ordered to augment the meal.
CHRIST, IT WAS CATCHING. He'd led the conversation over the soup to the subject of poetry, meaning only to chaff Harry, but it had led to an enthusiastic declamation of a poem from Brockes's Irdisches Vergnugen in Gott--in German--by Mr. Frobisher, and then a heated discussion between von Namtzen and Frobisher regarding the structure of a particular German verse form and whether this was or was not the parent of the English sonnet.
Harry, asked for his opinion, grinned at Grey over his soup spoon.
"Me?" he said blandly. "Oh, I'm certainly not qualified to give an opinion. 'Mary had a little lamb' is about as far as I go in that direction. Grey, now, he's the lad for rhymes; best ask him."
Grey had hurriedly disclaimed any such knowledge, but it had set the table to the game of finding rhymes, going in turn until one man should not be able to find a rhyming word, whereat the next would choose a new one.
They'd got from the simple things like moon/ June/ spoon/ spittoon/ poltroon onto the more delicate issue of whether "porringer" could be legitimately rhymed with "oranger," the latter being arguably a real word. The worst of it was that the conversation--coupled with the sight of von Namtzen sitting opposite him, his broad face lightened a little by the wordplay, his soft fair hair curling gently round the back of his ears--had caused him to start rhyming things privately. Only rude words, to start with, but then a little couplet--he thought that was the right term for it--had begun to chant itself.
He was startled by it. Was this how Harry did it? Just have words show up and start something, all by themselves?
The words that had shown up in his own mind had fallen into an irritating bit of doggerel: You cannot master me / but shall I your master be?
This unsettled him, as there was nothing in his relationship--or feelings--regarding von Namtzen to which this could apply, and he realized quite well that it had to do with the presence of Jamie Fraser at Argus House.
Will you bloody go away? he thought fiercely. I'm not ready.
The room seemed very warm, and sweat gathered round his hairline. Luckily, the arrival of the salmagundi and the kerfuffle of serving it diverted the company's attention from verse, and he lost himself thankfully in the glories of short-crust pastry and the luscious mingled juices of game, duck, and truffles.
"WHAT'S BROUGHT YOU to London, sir?" Harry asked von Namtzen over the salad. It was plainly meant merely to break the digestive silence caused by the salmagundi, but the Hanoverian's face became shadowed, and he looked down into the plate of greens and vinegar.
"I am purchasing some properties for the captain," Mr. Frobisher put in hurriedly, with a glance at von Namtzen. "Papers to sign, you know ..." He waved a hand, indicating vast reams of legal requirement.
Grey looked curiously at von Namtzen--who was not only captain of his own regiment but the Graf von Erdberg, as well. He knew perfectly well that the graf had a man of business in England; all wealthy foreigners did, and he had in fact met von Namtzen's property agent once.
Whether von Namtzen had noticed his curiosity or merely felt that more explanation was necessary, he raised his head and expelled an explosive breath.
"My wife died," he said, and paused to swallow. "Last month. I--my sister is in London." Another swallow. "I have brought the ... my children ... to her."
"Oh, my dear sir," said Harry, putting a hand on von Namtzen's arm and speaking with the deepest sympathy. "I am so sorry."
"Danke,"
von Namtzen muttered, and then suddenly rose to his feet and blundered out of the room, with what might have been a word of excuse or a muffled sob.
"Oh, dear," said Frobisher, dismayed. "Poor fellow. I'd no idea he felt it so deeply."
Neither had Grey.
After an awkward pause, they resumed eating their salads, Grey gesturing to the steward to remove von Namtzen's plate. Frobisher had no details regarding the captain's sad loss, and the conversation switched to a desultory discussion of politics.
Grey, having less than no interest in the subject, was left to consider Stephan von Namtzen and supply automatic noises of interest or agreement as the rhythm of the talk demanded.
He did spare a thought for Louisa von Lowenstein, the extremely vivacious--not that he couldn't think of better words, but the woman was dead--Saxon princess who had married von Namtzen three years before. God rest her soul, he thought, and meant it--but his real concern was for Stephan.
If asked, he would have sworn that the marriage had been one of mutual convenience. He would also have sworn that Stephan's tastes lay in other directions. There had been passages between himself and von Namtzen that ... well, true, there had been nothing explicit, no declarations--not that sort of declaration, at least--and yet he couldn't have been altogether mistaken. The sense of feeling between them ...
He recalled the evening in Germany when he had helped Stephan to remove his shirt outdoors, had examined--and kissed--the stump of his recently amputated left arm, and how the man's skin had glowed in the magic of the dusky light. His face grew hot and he bent his head over his plate.
Still. Stephan might have been sincerely attached to Louisa, no matter what the true nature of their marriage had been. And there were men who enjoyed the physical attractions of both sexes. For that matter, Grey himself knew several women whose deaths would distress him greatly, though he had no relation with them beyond that of friendship.
Von Namtzen reappeared as the cheese plates were being taken away, his normal equanimity seeming quite restored, though his eyes were red-rimmed. The conversation over port and brandy changed smoothly to a discussion of horse racing, thence to the breeding of horses--von Namtzen had a remarkable stud at Waldesruh--and remained on purely neutral matters until they rose at last.
"Shall I see you home?" Grey said quietly to von Namtzen as they waited in the hall for the steward to bring their cloaks. His heart was thumping audibly in his ears.
Stephan's eyes flicked toward Frobisher, but the man was in close conversation with Harry about something.
"I should appreciate your company very much, Lord John," he said, and though the words were formal, his bloodshot eyes were warm.
They didn't speak in the coach. The rain had ceased and they left the windows down, the air cold and fresh on their faces. Grey's thoughts were disordered by the amount of wine drunk with dinner, more so by the tumultuous emotions of the day--and, most of all, by Stephan's close presence. He was a large man, and his knee vibrated with the coach's movement, no more than an inch from Grey's.
As he followed Stephan from the coach, he caught the scent of von Namtzen's cologne, something faint and spicy--cloves, he thought, and was absurdly reminded of Christmas, and oranges studded thick with cloves, the smell festive in the house.
His hand closed on the orange, cool and round in his pocket, and he thought of other rounded things that might fit in his hand, these warm.
"Fool," he said to himself, under his breath. "Don't even think about it."
It was, of course, impossible not to think about it.
Dismissing the yawning butler who let them in, Stephan led Grey to a small sitting room where a banked fire smoldered in the hearth. He waved Grey to a comfortable chair and took up the poker himself to stir the embers into life.
"You will have something to drink?" he asked, with a nod over his shoulder to a sideboard on which glasses and bottles stood in orderly ranks, graded by size. Grey smiled at the Germanic neatness of the array, but poured a small brandy for himself and--with a glance at Stephan's broad back--a slightly larger one for his friend.
Several of the bottles were half empty, and he wondered how long Stephan had been in London.
Seated before the fire, they sipped at their drinks in a companionable silence, watching the flames.
"It was kind of you to come with me," Stephan said at last. "I did not want to be alone tonight."
Grey lifted one shoulder in dismissal. "I am only sorry that it should be tragedy that brings us together again," he said, and meant it. He hesitated. "You ... miss your wife greatly?"
Stephan pursed his lips a little. "I--well ... of course I mourn Louisa," he said, with more formality than Grey would have expected. "She was a fine woman. Very good at managing things." A faint, sad smile touched his lips. "No, it is my poor children for whom I am sorrowful."
The shadow Grey had noted before clouded the broad face, clean-limned as a Teutonic saint's. "Elise and Alexander ... They lost their own mother when they were quite small, and they loved Louisa very much; she was a wonderful mother, as kind to them as to her own son."
"Ah," Grey said. "Siggy?" He'd met young Siegfried, Louisa's son by her first marriage, and smiled at the memory.
"Siggy," von Namtzen agreed, and smiled a little, too, but the smile soon faded. "He must remain in Lowenstein, of course; he is the heir. And that also is too bad for Lise and Sascha--they are very fond of him, and now he is gone from them, too. It's better for them to be with my sister. I could not leave them at Lowenstein, but their faces when I had to say farewell to them this afternoon ..."
His own face crumpled for a moment, and Grey felt by reflex in his pocket for a handkerchief, but von Namtzen buried his grief in his glass for a moment and got control of himself again.
Grey rose and turned his back tactfully as he refreshed his drink, saying something casual about his cousin Olivia's child, Cromwell, now aged almost two and the terror of the household.
"Cromwell?" von Namtzen said, clearing his throat and sounding bemused. "This is an English name?"
"Couldn't be more so." An explanation of the history of the lord protector carried them into safe waters--though Grey suffered a slight private pang; he couldn't think of young Cromwell without remembering Percy, the stepbrother who had also been his lover. They had both been present--inadvertently--at young Cromwell's birth, and his description of this hair-raising occasion made Stephan laugh.
The house was quiet, and the small room seemed removed from everything, a warm refuge in the depths of the night. He felt as though the two of them were castaways, thrown up together on some island by the storms of life, passing uncharted time by exchanging their stories.
It wasn't the first time. When he had been wounded after Crefeld, he had been taken to Stephan's hunting lodge at Waldesruh to recover, and once he was able to carry on a conversation that lasted more than two sentences, they had often talked like this, late into the night.
"You are feeling well?" Stephan asked suddenly, picking up his train of thought in the way that close friends sometimes do. "Your wounds--do they still pain you?"
"No," he said. He had wounds that still did, but not physical ones. "Und dein Arm?"
Stephan laughed with pleasure at hearing him speak German and lifted the stump of his left arm a little.
"Nein. Eine Unannehmlichkeit, mehr nicht." A nuisance, no more.
He watched Stephan as they talked, now in both languages, seeing the light move on his face, as it went from humor to seriousness and back again, expressions flickering like fire shadow over his broad Teutonic bones. Grey had been startled, as well as moved, by the depth of Stephan's feeling for his children--though, on consideration, he shouldn't have been. He'd long been struck by the apparent contradiction in the Teutonic character, swinging from cold logic and ferocity in battle to the deepest romanticism and sentimentality.
Passion, he supposed you'd call it. Weirdly enough, it reminded him of the Scots, who wer
e emotionally much the same, though less disciplined about it.
Master me, he thought. Or shall I your master be?
And with that casual thought, something moved viscerally in him. Well, it had been moving for some time, in all honesty. But with that particular thought, his attraction to Stephan suddenly merged with the things he had been deliberately not thinking--or feeling--with regard to Jamie Fraser, and he found himself grow flushed, discomfited.
Did he want Stephan only because of the physical similarities between him and Fraser? They were both big men, tall and commanding, both the sort that made people turn to look at them. And to look at either of them stirred him, deeply.
It was quite different, though. Stephan was his friend, his good friend, and Jamie Fraser never would be. Fraser, though, was something that Stephan never could be.
"You are hungry?" Without waiting for an answer, Stephan rose and rummaged in a cupboard, coming out with a plate of biscuits and a pot of orange marmalade.
Grey smiled, remembering his earlier prediction regarding von Namtzen's appetite. He took an almond biscuit from politeness rather than hunger and, with a feeling of affection, watched Stephan devour biscuits spread with marmalade.
The affection was tinged with doubt, though. There was a sense of deep closeness between them, here in the night, quite alone--no doubt at all of that. But what sort of closeness ...?
Stephan's hand brushed his, reaching for a biscuit, and von Namtzen squeezed his fingers lightly, smiling, before letting go and taking up the marmalade spoon. The touch ran up Grey's arm and straight down his spine, raising hairs in its wake.
No, he thought, struggling for logic, for decency. I can't.
It wouldn't be right. Not right to use Stephan, to try to slake his physical need with Stephan, perhaps risk their friendship by trying. And yet the temptation was there, no doubt of that, either. Not only the immediate desire--which was bloody strong--but the ignoble thought that he might by such means exorcise, or at least temper, the hold Fraser had upon him. It would be far easier to face Fraser, to deal with him calmly, if the sense of physical desire was at least muted, if not gone entirely.
But ... he looked at Stephan, the kindness and the sadness in his broad face, and knew he couldn't.