I think ten minutes of silence pass before I hear an answer.
“That’s partially your fault.”
“How is it my fault?”
“I only talk right after sex. And since you refuse to have sex with me …” He winks at me and I grin. Playful Aleksey always makes me smile.
He gets up, scooping me up with him. “Come on. There’s a place I want to show you.”
* * *
Poncho gallops enthusiastically toward the hot springs. During our time on the run, he couldn’t get his daily bath in the river the way he loves to. The water in the enormous pools is incredibly clear and offers a good view of their sandy bottoms and rock walls. Some feet ahead of the springs, there’s a noisy waterfall of steamy water that creates a sprinkling mist that keeps the rocks surrounding us a perpetual green color.
We’re sitting on a rock, his arm is draped around my shoulder, and his fingers graze my face tenderly. It took a long jeep ride and a difficult hike to get to this place well north of the river. But it was worth it. I got to drive through the bumpy roads and the sight is beautiful. Aleksey said that three and half hours more of driving and we’d reach the coastline.
His voice is soft. “There’s no time now, but before I go, I’ll take you to see the ocean. There’s a UNNO refueling point on the coast that’s only a few hours away.”
I didn’t go to work and Aleksey must have ditched plenty of his leadership duties to bring me here. The fact that he has left behind important commitments to spend time with me makes me feel like he’s honoring our reconciliation. Reconciliation has to be the sweetest, yet most underutilized word in the English language.
There’s barely any time left for us to build good memories. After the recruitment ceremony, we’ll see each other only in our minds.
“We’ll become the lovers that never were,” he murmurs as though reading my thoughts. By this time next week I may be on my way toward a life sexual slavery as a vassal and he’ll be on his way to another occupied city. The thought makes my chest constrict painfully, but I won’t dwell on what can’t be changed. It’ll be better to take advantage of the time we have left.
Not saying anything, he gets up and we walk toward the waterfalls. We end up in our underwear under the hot water, back to back, the water sliding from our bodies. This is how we met, but unlike that time in which his sadness was evident on his face, now—even if he’s not smiling or saying anything—I can feel a lighthearted mood exuding from his enormous body. I know he’s in good spirits and his mood is contagious.
I turn and wrap my arms around his waist, pressing my body firmly against his lower back. The contact of my breasts against his bare skin feels glorious.
For a long delectable moment, I revel in the feeling of being so close to him. I like his solid muscles, his extraordinary height. The feeling that I’m so small in his arms. I love that he protects me. The way that he’s silent to everyone except me. I’ve never felt so attracted to anyone like him before and I won’t let him leave Starville without me telling him. My voice doesn’t come out in a seductive purr as I intended, but in a girlish chime. “Sir, I like you so much, sir.”
In answer his huge hands graze my arms surrounding his waist. I blush.
“Sir … before you leave Starville. I’d like you to become my first, sir.”
Aleksey’s body tenses. His head snaps up to the right and I look up to admire the sight of his perfect profile. His serious face is expressionless but there’s a definite hungry determination in his eyes.
His voice is husky. “Now?”
I shake my head. There’s something I have to take care of first. Something that will allow me to start my sexual life out of willingness, not out of fear. “In three night’s time, sir. In your room.”
He nods. We have a deal now and the promise of the pleasure that will come makes my body buzz in anticipation. I’ll have a hard time not thinking about what’s in store for me.
That is, if I survive long enough to act out my plans.
Some soldiers have recruitment ethics. They believe it shouldn't be considered a crime unless the victim is a married woman. That point of view sees recruitment only as a violation against a woman's husband, not the woman herself.
Edith Hayes, ex-leader of the 021 visitant division
Chapter 43
The ration center buzzes with crazy activity. The entire town is in line at different vaccination stands. Even the wealthiest families in Starville are here. Two dozen Accord cops call people alphabetically according to their last names. Bronte, Andrea; Brown, Joseph; Busko, Olga. Aleksey told me that he isn’t usually part of these activities, but with only six days to go until the recruitment ceremony, he’s making the process speed along.
People won’t suspect that we spend a good portion of last night kissing. He said once that our arrangement has to be discreet, so we aren’t even looking at each other. But I wonder if it’s just a coincidence that my family will receive their vaccines from him.
While waiting in line, Olmo stares longingly at Elena, who has made several attempts to approach Aleksey. One of those attempts includes pastries. My eyebrows shoot up at her tenacity. She knows he’s busy, she knows she’ll be rejected rudely—and this time in front of witnesses. Does she think that he might take her just so she’ll leave him alone?
At the same time Aleksey calls for Velez, Azalea, Elena approaches him again. The force of his derisive, rude tone makes me wince and I’m not the one receiving his cruelty. “I asked for Miss Velez, not for her bitch.”
Azalea laughs loudly at this. Elena acts as though she hasn’t heard but she evaporates from the spot and we don’t see her again after that.
There’s a huge contrast between the way Aleksey treats Elena and the way he treats Olmo. “If it makes you feel better, I will inject myself first,” he says softly when he sees my brother crying. He plunges the thick needle deep in his bulky bicep without wincing.
A look of self-realization crosses Olmo’s face after Aleksey injects him. “It hurt like hell, but I’m through.”
It’s not the first time that I’ve seen Olmo feeling good about himself because Aleksey gave him a challenge to overcome. He makes my brother feel capable.
Later, after he’s finished his afternoon duties, he takes me on a stroll around the woods that surround the city slopes. This time he’s the one who reaches for my hand. Ha! And he said he wasn’t the holding-hands type.
“You’re too cruel to Elena, Mr. Fürst.”
Her name brings a scowl to his face. “She’s been abusive to your brother.”
Fury boils inside me reddening my face. “Abusive?”
“While you were on bed rest, your brother declared his feelings for her. She laughed at him and pushed him harshly. He fell back and got some bruises.”
“That bitch!” My face turns a furious red as hot rage runs through my veins. I tried to storm back to town, but he stops me. “Let me go! I’ll find her and—”
“Don’t waste our time together, Lila I’ve been avenging your brother with my attitude every time she insinuates her sexual intentions.”
“You’re right, keep snapping at her. Only not on the account of sluttiness.”
He arches his eyebrows questioningly.
“Starvillers always slut-shame Elena. As much as I want to slap her for the way she treats us, I hate slut-shaming.” Getting engaged at a young age, getting scorned in public if the bridal sheets are not stained with blood, making fun of spinsters … all those customs are not the best examples of sexual free-will. Elena never follows Starville’s sexual rules and that’s earned her slut-shaming insults.
Amused admiration shows in his face, but his voice comes out lustful. “Is there any topic you don’t have a strong opinion on?” Aleksey stops and wraps his arms around me to pull me close. His touch sears my skin. “I’m not snapping at her because her sexual life. I’m taking it out on her on her because of her cruelty to your family. I hate the people
who hurt you.”
All thoughts of Elena disappear when he slides his hands around my waist. We stare into each other’s eyes intently. The atmosphere between us has suddenly changed into something palpable—hot and electric.
Aleksey abruptly pushes me against a tree and presses his body against mine. I look at him in wonder. What will he do? He answers my unspoken question when he slowly, sensually leans in.
All I can think about is the way his lips are grazing my neck, charging my skin with zinging electricity in every spot they touch. Aleksey takes his time to inhale and gently slide his lips all over my neck, the hollow of my throat, my earlobes. I tip down my head as waves of warm electricity make my skin tingle from the roots of my hair down to my toes. I forget everything that isn’t the way he’s making me feel.
His hands on my waist slowly slide their way up until he’s cupping my face between his monumental hands.
My eyes get lost in his for a while before our lips touch. Softly at first.
He kisses me at length, lingeringly and passionately. An hour passes as our mouths dance in a slow, passionate rhythm. He at times whispers my name on my ear before returning to my mouth. Aleksey’s teaching me that many things can be said without using words, but with the language of two mouths moving in unison. His sweet lingering kisses convey longing, tenderness, and admiration. When his mouth turns ravishing, it is as if he’s passing along a message of passion, eroticism, and possessiveness. And as our mouths speak silently of many other emotions that I didn’t even know existed, I’m afraid no one else will kiss me like this again.
His hands are starting to roam freely under my shirt when the overwhelming emotions become too much. Aleksey realizes that even if my body refuses to stop, I’ve reached my limits. He breaks the kiss and pulls me into his muscular arms. For a while I just snuggle against his chest. Being this close to him I notice that his heart is beating as wildly as mine.
I can’t help but realize that when the moment comes, sex between us will be difficult. I keep getting overwhelmed; his size won’t be comfortable. Not to mention the risk of flashbacks. He’ll have to be extremely patient and caring. Perhaps we should … practice before hand. But right here, right now, his concern is not his pleasure but my feelings.
“I’m being selfish here. I’m putting an innocent girl at risk of getting too attached to a man like me,” he says in a self-reproaching tone. “The last thing I want is to hurt you.”
Does he mean because in a few days we’ll separate? I playfully punch his arm. “I’m not at risk of falling in love with you. Or anyone. It’s impossible to fall in love in a matter of days.”
His head snaps down to look at me. “Is it?”
“Of course. Divine and Joey have been friends since childhood. My mom and dad spent years getting to know each other before—”
His serious face becomes more somber. He doesn’t like this conversation. “For such a young person, you’re incredible opinionated.”
“I’m not so young. I’m an eighteen-year old spinster.”
“Your body might be eighteen,” he says not trying to be discreet in how his eyes rake my body. “Your face stopped aging at thirteen. And you’re fairly inexperienced and unworldly.” He kisses my forehead. “Like a child. All you Starvillers are.”
“I’m not a Starviller!” I say indignantly. “I was born on the train somewhere in the time when people still considered it American territory. I’ll always be an American.” I look at him in wonder. “Do you agree?”
For some moments he looks away, as if pondering some heavy thoughts. Then he drapes his arm around my shoulder and leads the way home. “With your political affiliation? I do. I still regard Patriots and Nats as American citizens. Their disagreements over useless lands are ridiculous.”
“No. I mean my opinions on love. My insta-love isn’t real love statement. Do you agree?”
His voice sounds distant. “I’ve seen men lose their minds over women they’ve just met. My men call it the donnerkeil. ‘Thunderbolt’ in German. When a man looks at a woman and gets hit by the donnerkeil, the rest of world ceases to exist for him. And no other woman holds a millionth of the pull his donnerkeil holds. He’d kill before letting anything, anyone take her away from him. She becomes everything and—” Aleksey seems to suddenly realize he’s being too intense. He looks away from me and recovers his cool demeanor.
“That’s passion. Lust. Possessiveness. I’m no expert, but I don’t think thunderbolts constitute true love.” I pull the hood of my cloak up. “When there’s a storm, the thunderbolts illuminate everything, but die in seconds before leaving an even darker sky. They’re replaced by other short-lived thunderbolts. When the storm ends, they leave nothing.”
Aleksey’s eyes turn to me as if asking, What is love for you then?
“It would take all afternoon to explain it.”
In response, the back of his hand grazes my cheek. “We have all afternoon, and if you want, all night.”
All night. “Bear with me because this will be boring.” I inhale deeply. “I think true love transcends time. The thunderbolt does not. Not if it strikes men the way you described.”
I start a sprint toward a glade where my favorite flowers grow, and he catches up with me easily.
“Most girls prefer flowers over trees.” I brush my fingers on the petals. “These orange flowers blossom quickly. They speak of passion. Of beauty.” I take a withering flower that had dropped to the ground and worry it between my fingers. “But they don’t last; they wither so easily. Flowers have limited growth. A tree might not speak of passion but sturdiness. Yet it grows higher and lasts more. Some of these trees have been here before I was born and they’ll be here once I’m gone.”
My head falls back as I look at the highest tree. “Real love ought to be more like a tree and less like a flower.” I sigh noisily. “That’s the kind of love my parents had. Not so consuming and more everlasting. And you see that tree over there?” I point towards a cluster of trees across from us. “Now it’s only showing green leaves, but during spring it is covered in flowers. Because as reliable as trees are, they can also speak of beauty and passion.”
He contemplates the highest tree in silence. “I prefer trees, too. Let’s go back.” He scoops me in his arms in the way you carry toddlers. I don’t protest. This position has advantages. It makes it easy to wrap my arms around his neck and peck his cheek. I never imagined giving affection would feel this good.
“Why do you despise insta-love, Lila?”
“To love somebody you need to know them. That takes time.”
The wind becomes violent, so he covers me with his cape. “Lila, can you honestly tell me that I haven’t seen through you? That I haven’t told you things about yourself that you didn’t suspect?
My voyeurism, my fears, my dreams. Not only does he know me better than most people, he understands me.
The strength of his stare bores into my eyes while one of his hands plays with a gray strand of my hair. “You have seen past the barriers I built to keep people away. You’re the only person who sees the boy inside of this man. Nobody knows me better than you.” His voice turns husky. “And you’ll know me even more in due time.” He must mean sexually, but he seems to be implying something else.
As we get closer to town we are about to take separate roads for the sake of discretion. I haven’t walked two steps before his hand grabs mine to stop me. I turn to look at him and his blue eyes piercing mine dazzles me for a moment. “I’m a proud man, Lila. It’s not easy for me to admit feelings I’ve never felt before, knowing that you’re going to dismiss them. My pride would take a blow. With you it’s preferable to show and not to tell.”
Except that he has just told me. Indirectly. Through the implications of his last words. And it seems that he hasn’t even realized his own admission.
To show and not to tell. I rack my brain, trying to remember the number of feelings that Aleksey has demonstrated so far. Undeniable p
assion and mind-consuming lust. Lascivious possessiveness and insane protectiveness. Gentleness and sweet obsession.
He walks away, his red cape billowing to the rhythm of the wind and I remain frozen to the spot, trying to collect my thoughts. How could I have not noticed before? And now that I can’t keep denying his feelings—even if it seems he hasn’t admitted those feelings to himself yet—I don’t know how I feel about him. However I want to call this, thunderbolt, lust, insta-love, there’s only one undeniable revelation from the last words he’s said.
Aleksey Fürst has fallen in love with me.
Chapter 44
Rey scans the rudimentary map. “Turn to the right, Lily.” The visibility is minimal but Aleksey has made me a good driver.
The valleys surrounding the Sierra Leon are facing a storm, just as my Dad predicted. Ideal weather to blow up a train. Usually soldiers assume the damage was made by the storm and even if they investigate, they never find evidence of our involvement. We can trust the storm to erase our tracks.
“Are you sure this is the right way, Priest?” asks Joey while massaging Divine’s shoulders.
“I told you I’ve looked up the route by surfing the wireless,” answers Rey irritably. We borrowed this Jeep in Shiloh. The soldier-sized owner is sleeping in the back of the Jeep, her head resting on Mathew’s knees. She’s a drunken veteran who used to be my supervisor at my former job. If soldiers track the vehicle she’ll be our best cover. Nobody will press charges against a veteran for getting lost on the road after too many drinks.
Usually we attack railroads blindly, delaying the drugs supplies but not really hurting any soldiers. Today, for the first time in five years, we have a real chance at stopping the recruitment ceremony. Duque’s rape was a high cost to pay, but thanks to that hacking mission, today we know exactly what intersection to attack and we have the means to get there. Before today, none of us were capable of operating a Patriot Jeep.
After hours of driving, we reach the intersection that is practically lost in a sea of trees. The only path is the railroad itself.