Rey and I look at each other awkwardly. I’m not ashamed of sleeping in Aleksey’s room but I’m not about to explain my sexual plans to a man who has said he loves me.
Comprehension shows in Rey’s amber eyes and he looks positively hurt. He grabs my hand forcefully. “No, Lily. Stay with us.”
I don’t notice when Aleksey leaves his room, but he jumps from the scaffold and lands gracefully in front of me in a protective stance. “Get your hands off of her, Diaz.”
“What have you done to her?
Aleksey smirks wickedly. “Nothing she didn’t want to.”
Rey throws a punch at Aleksey’s face that the cop avoids easily. “She doesn’t want to. She’s young! She’s scared! You’re taking advantage of her fear of recruitment!”
The cop looks at Rey murderously, but my friend adds confidently. “She loves me, Fürst.”
Aleksey’s turns to me, his expression is questioning. He sees something in my eyes that makes his face contort. In fury? Surprise?
“You want to take her V for the novelty of it and then discard her.”
I try to step forward, but Aleksey blocks me. “Rey! Stop!”
“For all your games and wiles you haven’t made her feel for you the way she feels about me!” Aleksey steps menacingly toward Rey, but my friend doesn’t flinch as he continues to taunt the General. “You want the joy of exploring unclaimed territory, to be the first. But when you’re gone, I’ll be the one who’ll be there for her. As her husband.”
Aleksey’s breaths become ragged. He is about to take a jab at Rey, but I grab his cape. “If you hurt Rey, you’ll hurt me.” Aleksey turns to look at me, a slightly astonished expression on his face. “Give us a few minutes. I need to talk to my friend.”
“No, you don’t,” Aleksey says tersely. “I’ll settle some things with Diaz. Wait for me in my room.”
I intend to make my voice soft but it doesn’t work. “You can’t boss me around. I’ll talk to Rey.” Aleksey scowls at me as though asking, Why? “You don’t have the monopoly on saving my life. I wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t been for him.” And he deserves closure.
Aleksey doesn’t move an inch. “If you need to talk, go ahead. Pretend I’m not here.”
He wraps an arm around my shoulder and looks defiantly at Rey.
I look at the stars above the clinic feeling abruptly weary. Surprising both of them, I lower my body limply until I’m sitting on the ground with my head between my knees.
“Are you okay?” asks Rey in a concerned voice.
I yawn. “Can’t we all celebrate the news of no recruitment by taking a well-deserved rest?”
“In which bed, Lily? Mine or his?
“That’s it, Diaz,” growls Aleksey. “Get out of my clinic.”
I hear steps. Someone is approaching, but I won’t look up until I’m sure I’m in control of my emotions.
An angry voice I wasn’t expecting to hear at this moment pulls me out of my trance.
“Leave her alone! What did you say to her? She never cries!”
I look up as Azalea tries to push Rey away with a broom. “You don’t have any claim on her. You’re hot and cold and don’t even know what you want! You have to sort your shit out first and stop messing with her.”
At that moment Aleksey puts his palm on my shoulders, but his eyes are on Rey. “Lila, I need to talk to you. Now.”
No! Not now. I just want to eat, sleep, and gather myself.
The little girl puts the broom over her head and Aleksey’s eyes widen in surprise. “You won’t start a fight here, Aleksey Fürst. You don’t have any claim on my sister either.”
Azzy swings the broom menacingly, before throwing it away. “If she wants to do or dump both of you, you’ll either accept it or clear the space for someone else,” she says, pointing an accusatory finger at the strong men who watch her in awe. “She’ll do whatever she wants to do with her body and you won’t have any right to be judgmental. Because you,” she points her finger at Aleksey, “find it normal to screw visitants and you—” she turns to Rey. “You weren’t that eager to wait until marriage back when you screwed Angie, were you?”
She takes my hand and leads me to her room. I’m shaking and my stomach growls loudly. Azzy storms out of the room. Aleksey offered me food earlier and I declined. Now I’m famished.
Azzy returns with some soya bread and cinnamon tea. “Eat this; it helps to increase your pheromones.”
“You’re making that up.” I ravish the bread and dispatch the tea in one gulp. “But thanks.” And I don’t mean just the bread.
She shrugs. “Somebody had to shake up the Priest a little. In your emergency deflowering triangle he’s becoming the weak link.”
I smile and pat her shoulder. The support of my annoying sister makes me feel warm, and grateful. I might not have much in life, but I have my family. And that’s enough to make me feel better.
I don’t sleep with Aleksey that night. I’m emotionally exhausted and need some time with my family before they leave Starville. Thanks to Aleksey, Dad and the twins will get provisional ID’s and move to an Accord facility in New Norfolk where there’s an Accord hospital. I spend the night with my siblings in Azzy’s room. We use sheets to build a perfunctory tent, some blankets to create sleeping bags, and we pretend we are camping outside. In a place where there’s no war.
The sun is high when I wake up. We haven’t overslept for so long.
I make my way toward Aleksey’s room. He’ll go away soon so giving him my V will be my way to say goodbye.
For a moment I think that I’m having vivid nightmares again. Because the room looks unrecognizable. Where his bed, his wardrobe, his desk used to be there’s nothing. Nothing that convinces me that somebody lived here once.
I take some steps inside and each of them echoes in the empty walls. Did he move his things to the Accord headquarters? Is that what he wanted to talk to me about last night?
At that moment a feminine voice sounds from outside. “V-girl! V-girl! Come here!” Divine’s voice.
“General Fürst and the Accord Unit left Starville.”
I blink at her in confusion.
“Don’t you get it, V-girl? They were expelled from the country and won’t come back.”
I carry the woes of those who don’t know where they’re going
My dear dove; bring me my freedom from those remote lands.
The Dove—Eduardo Carrasco
Chapter 48
I put the solar gadget in its usual hiding place under the museum floorboards and enter the beheading room. I’ve been hacking the wireless connections all morning and found the evidence that Aleksey won’t come back. A couple of notes mention the Twenty-fifth Accord Unit is on their way to Bern, a European city that holds the UNNO headquarters. Some military blogs that question the neutrality of the Unit show a picture of Aleksey Fürst boarding a military hovercraft. Patriot military sites wonder whether other Units in Patriot-occupied territories should be forced to leave the country, too.
I whistle “The Dove” song and take my favorite pigeon, Cher Ami, between my hands to pet him. That soothes my feelings of loss a little. Aleksey broke his neutrality pledge for me. The cost we’ll pay is that he won’t make love to me tonight. Or ever. The lovers that never were, he said once. His words were foreshadowing.
I thought I was ready to lose my ally, my voyeurmate. The only man that has made me feel loved. But why so soon? Why like this?
“It’s logical. No recruitment ceremony means we don’t need them here,” says Divine, who is helping me feed the pigeons although she’s still recovering from a head contusion.
I swallow hard. “A goodbye would have been nice.” If he could say goodbye to Dad why not say goodbye to me?” Aleksey spent an hour talking to my father while some workers were taking his things to a Starville orphanage. Later he took a helicopter to the soldiers’ headquarters and disappeared from my life.
“He said he didn’t want to
wake you up.”
I look away and inhale sharply. I still can’t grasp the idea that I won’t see him again. But what can I do anyway? It is what it is. No point looking back now.
“Gary Sleecket was part of several ceremonies. Perhaps the handsome Prince—”
I shake my head sadly. “Gary only returned because he was a popular cop. A lot of Starvillers wanted him back. That’s not the case with Aleksey.”
Divine tries to push the topic further, but I don’t let her. I’m industriously trying to not think about him. It hurts and I can do nothing to change the situation.
“So who is in charge of the clinic now?”
“My dad. Provisionally. But the soldiers have just assigned us a new dwelling in the same building as the Diazes. So … I don’t know.” Moving out might help me get Aleksey out of my system. I don’t want to mourn when there are many things to do. What can I do to change what happened? Nothing!
I force my mind to think about all the things I have to do today.
That afternoon, Rey and Baron help me take our scarce belongings to our new provisional apartment. Just like I have keys to the Diaz’s, they received copies of our keys from Dad. All we have are some mattresses, side tables, a mirror, boxes full of Olmo’s medicines, and some chairs. It’s not much but it takes some trips to get it all into our new home. It’s so pointless to move and it’s only to keep up appearances. My family will move to New Norfolk and I won’t stay long in Starville.
When I get back from one of my trips I decide this is a good moment to talk to Duque again about our plans to move to Shiloh while his older brother is not around.
Duque hasn’t talked about suicide since the day I proposed so I internally congratulate myself. I just lost my voyeurmate, but perhaps Duque and I will become like brother and sister while we live in Shiloh. I’ll do everything in my power to heal his broken heart.
I decide not to knock first. What if he’s sleeping? I’d rather leave a note on his pillow.
When I open the door, I freeze for a couple of seconds in which all my nightmares pass through my mind.
I haven’t seen a more revolting, soul breaking spectacle in my life.
Chapter 49
The monster has pressed both of the girl’s hands against the cot. His hospital gown is open from behind and I get a good look of his rear moving rhythmically as he straddles her and keeps grinding against her. His face is unfocused, as though he’s in a trance.
He hasn’t entered her; the girl is fully dressed and the friction is against her stomach. Her eyes are open to an impossible extent.
She’s paralyzed. So unresponsive that she might as well be dead.
But she’s not dead. I can feel disbelief emanating from her entire body.
Because she never agreed to this. She’s too young to agree to this.
The girl suffering through Duque’s sexual frenzy is Azzy.
When I ram against Duque, he falls from his hospital bed and howls in agony. He must have fallen on his wounds; it’s as though the pain snaps him out of his trance.
But it’s too late. I grab his gown forcefully and slap him hard.
“She trusted you! I trusted you!”
Duque face contorts in agony. “Lila, I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened. I was hurting and—”
I slap him even harder. “Stop the excuses! My father, Cara, Divine. They aren’t lashing out against innocent people!”
I hear a whimper and turn to look at Azzy who has just sat up on the bed. She’s red-faced and immobile, looking as though she was the one who has been caught in a wrongdoing.
I gag. If I hadn’t entered how far he would’ve gone? I hold her and cradle her tenderly. “I knew you felt castrated. You felt less than a man and damn if I don’t doubt your masculinity at this moment.”
Azzy covers her ears and I turn to look at Duque who is getting up painfully. He almost castrated my sister. Because that’s what this is, even if we’re talking about a female victim: A form of mutilation. Losing a vital part of her that she’ll never recover.
“You of all people should know what you were about to destroy—” I look at Duque who is not returning my gaze. “Because of my love for your family, I won’t hurt you as much as I want to. But you’ll stay away from us.”
Tears fill his eyes and that only enrages me more. “I’m sorry, believe me, I’m sorry. Kill me if it serves to repay the damage.”
My eyes are wet with the intensity of my anger and I’m trembling. “Oh yeah? What about Rey? Stop hurting him, goddammit!”
Still pressing my sister against my chest, I lead her slowly to the doors.
I’ve known him for years, and I’m sure he wouldn’t have done this if he hadn’t been attacked. But that doesn’t matter. I feel like I haven’t hurt him enough. It’s my sister we’re talking about. He of all people should have tried to protect others from the pain he suffered himself.
Because I know that at this moment he’s feeling the Diazes’ guilt, I steady my breaths and add in a calm tone. “I pity you so much. Taking your pain out in the people who loves you the most. Or should I say used to love you? You’re so broken, so pathetic, that I pity you.”
My words punch him harder than my fists. His face reflects his agony as I leave the room.
Azalea asks me to not say anything to Dad. I wouldn’t. She will when she’s ready. I drag Azalea straight to TCR headquarters.
Azzy is always so blunt and so strong that I tend to forget she is still a child who needs protection. How couldn’t I have prevented something like this from happening to her? We adopted a false sense of security when Aleksey was around. Besides, I thought the danger would come from the military staff. I hid the twins from them, but I didn’t see the need to protect my sister from a friend.
After sending a pigeon to Rey, I sit with Azalea on one of the mattresses and wait for her to speak to me.
She doesn’t.
“There were other Comanches around,” I say in the kindest tone I can muster. I don’t want her to think that what happened has anything to do with her. “Why didn’t you scream?”
Her green eyes are unfocused. “I just … My mind went blank and I couldn’t move. It was as though I was observing the scene from outside my body,” she says in a detached voice.
Dad has explained this to me. When someone attacks you, your instincts take over. One instinct commands us to fight. Another one commands us to flee. But more often than not our instincts order our bodies to freeze.
“As of tomorrow you’ll train with the other Comanches.”
Usually she gives me a hard time about the physical education component of her homeschooling. This time she doesn’t.
* * *
Rey’s shock and disappointment breaks my heart. “I’ll be there for my brother. He needs me. But I won’t let a monstrosity like this go unpunished. And I swear I won’t let him harm anyone else. I’ll get help for him.”
“I know he wouldn’t have done it if he hadn’t been attacked, but…. I wish him well, I want him to recover, but I just hate him.”
“I’ll never hate my brother. No matter what! But he should have risen above the circumstances. It’s not like he didn’t have any other options. I’m so sorry someone I love so much hurt Azzy.”
“What now?”
“He needs treatment. Spiritual treatment. I’ll convince him to join the seminary. And—”
A loud knock startles us.
Rey opens the door to find Cara looking disgruntled. It’s evident she’s been crying. “Priest, it’s over …”
Rey tenses and confusion shows in his face. “What?”
Cara wraps her arms around us. “The recruitment ceremony … they just announced it’s still on.”
“No!” I pull my hair with both hands, hoping the pain will overcome my anguish. “They can’t! The ones who aren’t dead should be badly injured and … they … don’t have a train.”
“Half of the soldiers survived. They’ll
arrive in two days by helicopter. The ceremony is—”
But I close my ears to her words knowing the cruel reality already. Recruitment is not only still on.
They’ll push the date ahead.
The day after tomorrow.
Chapter 50
My new room is barely lit. Tonight I’ll explore and get to know my body for the first time before the troops take control of it.
I look at my reflection in the cracked mirror. My outfit is the same I used once to try to seduce Rey: a button up shirt and a skirt over a tank top and tie-side underwear. It’s been weeks and I’m different now. Only one thing hasn’t changed: I’m still scared of what will happen tomorrow during the recruitment ceremony.
I lie on some old hospital mattresses and cover myself partially with Sara Jenkins’s bridal sheet. My hands slide up slowly over my thighs, my hips, my stomach, and my breasts. Heat spreads through me slowly.
But the spark is missing. I pucker my lips. I yearn to be kissed and I need to kiss him. If only these hands touching my body were his hands …
I stop the touching. It’s pointless if he’s not here. His grunts, his ragged breathing, his erection pressing against my body. The heady sensation that it was me, and only me, who drives him crazy with desire.
It’s not practical to yearn for what I can’t get, but I can’t help it. I miss him.
At that moment, someone touches my cheek softly. I sit up, startled.
Rey’s evidently turned on, and his amber eyes show the tiniest hint of embarrassment. His voice has a breathy quality. “I kept calling you and you didn’t answer.”
I hastily cover up with the sheet as though I weren’t still fully dressed underneath it. Since the twins and Dad will spend the night at the clinic I have forgotten than Rey has the key to my apartment. I try to get up, but he grabs my wrists.
Before I know what’s happening he’s kissing me fiercely against the mattress.
I push him forcefully. “Whatever you saw, I’m not needy,” I say harshly.
“I know that. That doesn’t make me want you less, Lily,” he says, climbing back to the mattress and hovering over me. “I want you to know that … I’m willing.”