I recognized this was my cue to say something but words eluded me.
“Thanks again for getting her home,” Ivy jumped in, the only one of us who had remembered good manners. “Would you like something to drink? I was just about to make some hot chocolate.”
“Thanks but I can’t stay long,” Xavier said.
“Well, sit down at least,” Ivy prompted. “Gabriel, can you give me a hand in the kitchen?”
Gabriel followed her out reluctantly.
Left alone with Xavier I was conscious of how ridiculously sedate we must appear, with no television in sight, my siblings making hot chocolate and me ready for bed at eight o’clock.
“Nice dog,” Xavier said. He reached down, and Phantom cautiously sniffed his hand before nuzzling it enthusiastically. I had half hoped Phantom would growl, so I’d have at least one reason not to think Xavier was completely flawless. But he seemed to be passing every test with flying colors.
“I found him today,” I said.
“Found him?” Xavier raised an eyebrow. “Do you make a habit of adopting stray pets?”
“No,” I said indignantly. “His owner was moving to a retirement home.”
“Oh, he must be Alice Butler’s dog.”
“How’d you know that?”
“Small town.” Xavier shrugged. “You know, I was worried about you last night.” His gaze was fixed intently on my face.
“I’m fine now,” I replied shakily. I tried to meet his eyes but I felt giddy and looked away.
“You should be more careful about who you call your friends.”
There was an intimacy in the way he spoke to me, as if we’d known each other a long time. It was unnerving and exciting at the same time.
“It wasn’t Molly’s fault,” I said. “I should have known better.”
“You’re very different from the girls around here,” he continued.
“How do you mean?”
“You don’t get out much, do you?”
“I guess you could call me more of a homebody,” I said, trying not to sound defensive.
“That’s not a bad thing,” Xavier said. “I think that makes a nice change.”
“I wish I was more like everyone else.”
“Why do you say that? There’s no point pretending to be something you’re not. You could have been in real trouble last night.” He smiled suddenly. “Lucky I was there to rescue you.”
I couldn’t tell whether he was speaking in earnest or making a joke.
“How can I ever repay your kindness?” I said with a hint of what I hoped was flirtation in my voice.
“There is one thing you could do. . . .” His voice trailed off suggestively.
“What’s that?”
“Go out with me. How about next weekend? We could catch a movie if you like.”
I was too stunned to reply. Had I heard right? Was Xavier Woods, the most inaccessible boy at Bryce Hamilton, asking me out? What was the appropriate response? Where was Molly when I needed her? My hesitation lasted a fraction too long and he mistook it for reluctance.
“It’s fine if you don’t feel like it.”
“No, I’d like to!”
“Great. Well, how about you give me your number and I’ll put it in my phone. We can talk details later.”
He withdrew a shiny black gadget from the pocket of his windbreaker. It lay twinkling in the palm of his hand. I could hear the clatter of crockery coming from the kitchen and knew there was no time to lose.
“It’s easier if you give me yours and I call you,” I said quickly.
He didn’t argue. I spied a newspaper on the coffee table, tore off a corner, and handed it to him.
“I might need a pen,” he said.
I found one marking the place in a leather-bound book one of my siblings had been reading. Xavier scribbled some digits, and I pocketed the slip just in time to give Gabriel and Ivy a beatific smile as they walked in, carrying a tray of mugs.
I walked Xavier to the front door, where his eyes lingered a moment on what I was wearing. The intensity had gone from his face and his characteristic half-smile had returned.
“By the way, nice jammies,” he said and continued to look at me with an expression of curiosity. I found myself unable to wrench my gaze away. It would be easy, I thought, to look at his face all day and not get bored. Humans were supposed to have physical flaws but Xavier didn’t seem to. I took in his features—his mouth shaped like an archer’s bow, his smooth skin, the dimple in his chin—and struggled to believe he was real. He was wearing a casual shirt under the jacket, and I saw around his neck a silver cross threaded onto a leather cord that I hadn’t noticed earlier.
“I’m glad you like them,” I said, feeling more confident.
He laughed, and it sounded just like the peals of a church bell.
Gabriel and Ivy tried hard to play down the alarm they must have felt when I informed them of my intention to see Xavier the following weekend.
“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” asked Gabriel.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” I challenged. I was relishing the idea of making my own decisions, and I didn’t appreciate my independence being taken away from me so quickly.
“Bethany, please consider the repercussions of such an action.” Ivy spoke calmly, but she was frowning and a rare look of apprehension had come over her face.
“There’s nothing to consider. You two always overreact.” I wasn’t convinced myself by my breezy argument but refused to accept there was reason for caution. “What’s the problem?”
“Only that dating is not and never was part of our assignment.” Gabriel’s voice was cutting and his gaze steely. I knew I was only fueling his doubts about my suitability for this mission. I was so susceptible to human whims and fantasies. A voice at the back of my mind told me I should take a step back and reflect—accept that a liaison with Xavier was dangerous and selfish given the circumstances. But there was a louder voice that drowned out all other thought, and it demanded to see him again.
“Perhaps keeping a low profile for a little while would be wiser,” Ivy suggested less harshly. “Why don’t we collaborate on some ideas designed to raise social awareness in the town?”
She sounded like a teacher trying to encourage enthusiasm for a school project.
“Those are your ideas, not mine.”
“They can become yours,” Ivy urged.
“I want to find my own way.”
“Let’s continue this discussion when you’re thinking more clearly,” Gabriel said.
“I won’t be treated like a child,” I snapped and turned away defiantly, clicking my tongue for Phantom to follow.
Together, we sat at the top of the stairs, me fuming and Phantom nuzzling my lap. Believing me to be out of earshot, my siblings continued the discussion in the kitchen.
“I find it difficult to believe she would jeopardize everything for a whim,” Gabriel was saying. I could hear him pacing.
“You know Bethany would never deliberately do that.” Ivy tried to defuse the situation. She hated any sort of friction between us.
“What is she doing then? Has she got any idea why we’re here? I know we must make allowances for her lack of experience, but she’s being deliberately rebellious and headstrong, and I don’t recognize her anymore. Temptation is always here to test us. We have been here only weeks and Bethany cannot find the strength to withstand the charms of a pretty boy!”
“Be patient, Gabriel. It will go much further in. . . .”
“She tries my patience!” he said, but quickly collected himself. “What do you advise?”
“Put no obstacle in her path, and this will surely die a natural death; obstruct her, and it will give the situation an importance worth fighting for.”
Gabriel’s silence suggested he was weighing up the wisdom in Ivy’s words.
“In time she will come to understand that what she seeks is impossible.”
“I hope you’r
e right,” Gabriel said. “Do you see now why her part in this mission concerned me?”
“She does not defy us deliberately,” Ivy said.
“No, but the depth of her emotion is unnatural for one of us,” Gabriel said. “Our love for humankind is supposed to be impersonal—we love humanity, we do not form individual attachments. Bethany seems to love deeply, unconditionally—like a human.”
“So I’ve noticed,” said my sister. “Which means her love is much more powerful than ours, but also more dangerous.”
“Exactly,” said Gabriel. “Such emotion often cannot be contained—if we allow it to develop, it may soon be beyond our control.”
I didn’t wait to hear more and crept to my room, where I threw myself on my bed on the verge of tears. Such a powerful reaction surprised me, and the rush of pent-up emotion left me gasping for breath. I knew what was happening; I was embracing flesh and the feelings that came with it. It felt precarious and unsteady like being on a rickety roller coaster. I could feel the blood pulsing through my veins, the thoughts ricocheting around my head, my stomach clenching with frustration. I deeply resented being discussed as if I were nothing more than a laboratory experiment. And their implication that I was doing something wrong, not to mention their lack of faith in me, was disturbing. Why were they so determined to bar me from the human interaction I craved? And what exactly did Ivy mean by “impossible”? They were behaving as if Xavier was a suitor who didn’t meet their criteria. Who were they to sit in judgment of something that hadn’t even begun? Xavier Woods liked me. For whatever reason he saw me as worthy of his attention, and I was not about to let the paranoid fears of my family drive him away. I was amazed at my willingness to embrace my human attraction to Xavier. My feelings for him were escalating dangerously fast, and I was allowing it to happen. It should have scared me, but instead I was intrigued by the hollow ache in my chest when I thought about letting him go, the clenching of every muscle in my body when I recalled my brother’s words. What was happening to me? Was I losing my divinity? Was I becoming human?
I slept fitfully that night and had my first nightmare. I had become accustomed to the human experience of dreaming, but this was different. This time I saw myself brought before a Heavenly Tribunal, with a jury made up of faceless, heavy-robed figures. I couldn’t distinguish one from the other. Ivy and Gabriel were there, but they were looking down from a gallery. Their faces were impassive. They stared ahead and wouldn’t look at me even though I cried out to them. I was waiting for the verdict to be announced, and then I realized it had already happened. There was no one to speak for me, no one to plead my case.
The next thing I was aware of was falling. Around me, all that was familiar crumbled into dust, the columns of the courtroom, the robed figures, and finally the faces of Gabriel and Ivy. And still I fell, tumbling on an endless journey to nowhere. Then all was motionless and I was imprisoned in a void. I had dropped to my knees, my head bowed, my wings broken and bleeding. I couldn’t lift myself off the ground. The light began to fade until a suffocating darkness surrounded me, so dense that when I held my hands before my face, I couldn’t make them out. In this sepulchral world I was left alone. I saw myself as the ultimate figure of shame, an angel fallen from grace.
A shadowy figure with blurred features was approaching. At first my heart leapt with hope at the possibility that it might be Xavier come to rescue me. But any hope was dashed when I sensed instinctively that whatever it was should be feared. Despite the pain in my limbs, I crawled as far from it as possible. I tried spreading my wings but they were too damaged to comply. The figure was closer now and hovering above me. Its features materialized just enough for me to see that the smile on its face was one of ownership. There was nothing left to do but allow myself to be consumed by the shadows. This was perdition. I was lost.
By morning things seemed different, as they often do. A new feeling of stability now flooded through me.
Ivy came in to rouse me, the scent of freesias following her like handmaidens.
“Thought you could use some coffee,” she said.
“I’m developing a taste for it,” I said and sipped from the proffered cup without making a face. She sat stiffly on the edge of my bed.
“I’ve never heard Gabriel sound so angry,” I said, eager to smooth things over with her. “I’ve always thought of him as . . . sort of . . . infallible.”
“Have you ever thought that he might be under stresses of his own? If things don’t go well, he and I will assume responsibility for it.”
Her words struck me like a physical blow, and I felt the sting of tears welling.
“I don’t want to lose your good opinion.”
“You haven’t,” she reassured me. “It’s just that Gabriel wants to protect you. He wishes only to spare you from anything that might cause you pain.”
“I just can’t see how spending time with Xavier could be a bad thing. Do you really think he would hurt me?”
“Not intentionally.”
Ivy wasn’t hostile like Gabe, and when she came to take my hand, I knew she had already forgiven my transgression. But her rigid posture and the hard line of her mouth told me that her position on the matter would not change. “You must be careful not to start things you can’t continue. It wouldn’t exactly be fair, would it?”
The tears I’d been restraining came flooding then. I sat there racked with misery as Ivy put her arms around me and stroked my head.
“I’ve been stupid, haven’t I?”
I allowed the voice of reason to take over. I barely knew Xavier Woods, and I doubted he would react with a deluge of tears if he found out he couldn’t see me for whatever reason. I was behaving as if we’d sworn ourselves to each other, and suddenly it all seemed a little absurd. Maybe it was Romeo and Juliet rubbing off on me. I felt like there was a deep, unfathomable connection between Xavier and me, but maybe I was wrong. Could it be possible it was all just a figment of my imagination?
It was within my power to forget about Xavier. The question was did I want to? There was no denying that Ivy was right. We were not of this world and had no claim to it or what it could offer. I had no right to meddle in Xavier’s life. Our role was to be messengers, harbingers of hope, and nothing more.
When Ivy had gone, I fished out Xavier’s number from my pocket where it had stayed all night. I unrolled the tight wad of paper and slowly tore it into fragments the size of confetti. I went out onto my narrow balcony and threw the fragments into the air. I watched sadly as they were carried away by the wind.
Rebel
Ignoring Xavier’s invitation proved easier than I expected when he wasn’t at school the whole of the following week. After making a few discreet inquiries, I discovered that he was away at rowing camp. With the danger of running into him averted, I felt more relaxed. I wasn’t sure I’d have the courage to renege on the date if he were standing right in front of me, nutmeg hair fringing those limpid blue eyes. In fact, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to say anything much at all given my past attempts at conversation.
At lunchtime I sat with Molly and her friends in the quadrangle, listening halfheartedly to their litany of complaints about school, boys, and parents. Their conversations mostly followed a set pattern, and I felt I already knew the lines by heart. Today the prom was the subject of discussion—no surprise there.
“Oh my God, there’s so much to think about,” Molly said, stretching out on the asphalt like a cat. Her friends were scattered around her, some on the garden benches, their skirts hitched up to maximize the impact of the early spring sun. I sat cross-legged beside Molly, tugging at my skirt so that it modestly covered my knees.
“Oh my God, I know!” agreed Megan Judd. She repositioned her head in Hayley’s lap and pulled her top up so that her midriff was exposed to sunlight. “Last night I started making a to-do list.” Still on her back she flipped open her school planner, emblazoned with designer labels that she’d stuck on for decoration. “Ge
t this,” she continued, reading from a dog-eared page. “Book French manicure. Look for sexy shoes. Buy clutch. Decide on jewelry. Find celebrity hairstyle to copy. Decide between Hawaiian Sunset and Champagne spray tan. Book limo. The list goes on. . . .”
“You forgot the most important thing—find dress,” said Hayley.
The others laughed at the omission.
It baffled me that they could discuss in such detail an event that was so far away, but I refrained from commenting. I doubted my input would be appreciated.
“It’s going to cost so much.” Taylah sighed. “I’m going to end up blowing my budget and spending every dollar I’ve made working at that crappy bakery.”
“I’m cashed up,” Molly said proudly. “I’ve been saving from working at the drugstore since last year.”
“My parents are paying for everything,” bragged Megan. “They’ve agreed to pay for the whole thing as long as I pass all my exams—even a party bus if we want one.”
The girls were clearly impressed.
“Whatever you do, don’t screw up any exams,” Molly said.
“Hey, she’s not a miracle worker.” Hayley laughed.
“Does anyone have a date yet?” someone else asked.
A few of the girls did, and those in steady relationships didn’t have to worry about it. Everybody else was still desperately waiting for someone to ask them.
“I wonder if Gabriel will go,” Molly mused, turning to me. “All the teachers get invited.”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “He tends to steer clear of those sorts of things.”
“You should ask Ryan,” Hayley suggested to Molly, “before he’s taken.”
“Yeah, the good ones always go first,” Taylah agreed.
Molly looked affronted. “It’s the formal, Haylz,” she said. “The guy has to do the asking.”
Taylah snorted. “Good luck with that.”
“Molly, you’re so stupid sometimes,” Hayley sighed. “Ryan’s six-two, built, blond, and plays lacrosse. He might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but still, what are you waiting for?”