“Like what?”
“Like this x-ray laser flashlight.” Gideon took out a pocket flashlight and illuminated them with a blue light. “You just shine it on something and zap!”
The three humans tried to duck out of the beam.
“133t!” shouted Rex.
“Oops, this is just a regular flashlight.”
“w3ak.”
Tom considered this.
“Do I get a snazzy car?”
“Boy, do you ever!”
With a certain amount of trepidation, Tom allowed the Elder to form a new Puppeteer and attach to his back. As he put his shirt back on he said “So when does the control start?”
We don’t control people so much as guide them.
Is that you talking in my head?
Yes, I’m using your nervous system to simulate speech. Pretty cool, isn’t it?
I want to try something out...
Don’t try it on Alice!!!
A moment later, Tom was nursing a slapped face.
At least this time, Mike got to snicker at Tom instead the other way around.
“Maybe we should check out those toys you mentioned before.”
“Before we go looking at gadgets we really need to talk.” Mike stated.
“About what?” the Elder responded.
“The whole leet invasion. We need to figure out what to do about it.”
“But I thought that bringing back Alice had resolved that issue.”
“What do you mean by that?!” Alice glared at Mike.
“I’ll explain later.” To the Elder: “Look, even if Tom, Alice and I manage to keep our mouths shut about the whole thing, there’s no way that the Leet won’t let something slip.”
“D00D!”
“Yeah, well, it might be better to let that happen than to go around telling people that the Leet invasion was all because of the Puppeteers.”
“d00d! You guy$ lIed t0 u5 @80u7 7he chalLeng3?”
“Actually it was the Puppeteers that created the challenge for us – we didn’t want the war.”
Rex turned his reptilian stare on the Elder.
“D00D! 7hat's
[email protected]!”
“Hey, you got chicken nuggets and foosball out of it.”
Rex considered this for a moment.
“ok, Y0u g0t a p0int.”
“Look, people,” said Tom “the point is, eventually someone will find out about the cause of the invasion. Some are already suspicious that the Puppeteers were ready with the battle suits just when we needed them. Don’t you think it would be better for them to learn about it first hand?”
“No. I’d prefer to keep it under wraps and hope for the best.”
Dammit! What do you think I should do?
I was afraid you were going to ask me that. I can’t tell you what to do.
But the Elder seems to have a pretty strong opinion!
That’s because you are asking him on behalf of Puppeteer kind. You are asking me directly what I think you should do. I can’t tell you that. I can help you by telling you what I think the repercussions will be, but the final decision needs to be yours.
This is a hell of a time to go all Prime Directive on me!
At the end of the day we are guides, not controllers.
Wonderful.
* * *
Gideon did not seem happy to be functioning as “Q Division” for “His Blobbieness’s Secret Service,” but he put up with it stoically.
“OK, here’s the real x-ray laser flashlight, so be careful with it!” Gideon said, handing over a flashlight.
“Here’s a bioweapon that acts as a stun gun.” Gideon led them over to a fish tank. Several tentacular critters moved about inside. “Put your hand in the tank,” Gideon ordered.
“In there?” protested Tom.
It’s perfectly safe. The one that likes you the most will latch onto your arm, and you can fire it through me. All very accurate, very efficient and non-lethal (most of the time).
Tom gingerly stuck his hand in the tank.
What do you mean ‘most of the time?’
Well, you know, if things go pear shaped, it’s always good to have a super weapon on your side.
Hey! One of those damn things bit me!
Ah you found one that like you!
I thought you meant liked me as ‘wanted to work with me,’ not as in wants to *eat* me!
It’s just a love nip.
Tom took his hand out of the tank. Something that looked like a flattened octopus was on his forearm. It had eyes. The eye ridges waggled at him.
“Uhh..how do we know that it works?”
“Just step over here into the makeshift firing range...that used to be my room.” Gideon said icily.
I tell you, nothing but complaints out of him. Oooh, you commandeered my room. Oooh, you want to give the humans bioweapons. Oooh, you’re cheating at Trivial Pursuit.
You cheat at Trivial Pursuit?
And now you’re taking his side!
The group stepped into the range. It still had a bed and a bureau to one side. There was also a target taped to the wall.
“OK, shoot the target.”
“Gotcha.”
“But be careful – don’t hit my clothes!”
“Right.”
“And use the minimum setting.”
“Alright already!”
Tom raised his arm. A bolt of blue energy shot from the critter on his arm and obliterated the bureau. Charred socks and underwear rained down on them.
“My clothes!” screamed Gideon.
Oh sorry! My bad...misfire!
“You did that on purpose!”
“I did not! It was the Elder!”
“That makes more sense.” Gideon said narrowing his eyes.
“Should he try again?” Mike asked.
“Yeah, he can still take out the bed.” Alice observed.
Gideon put his hands over his face.
“OK, try again, but this time concentrate!”
Tom sighed and raised his arm again. Another, smaller blue bolt issued from the critter and obliterated the target.
“I think I’m getting the hang of this!” Tom enthused.
“While I still have some place to sleep, we’ll call that done.” Gideon announced.
“Can i g3t oNe?!” Rex asked eagerly.
“You need a Puppeteer to operate it,” Gideon told him.
“
[email protected]”
Mike and Alice were armed in due course, though Alice complained that hers seemed to be slobbering on her arm.
“How can you tell? I mean they’re pretty slimy,” Mike observed.
“Don’t remind me!”
“So where is the snazzy car?”
Gideon pressed a button and a wall slid away to reveal a 1960’s Aston Martin.
“DuD3! i7'5 tHe Car Fr0M
[email protected]$ b0ND!” Rex was jumping up and down.
“It’s a lot faster than it looks, and it’s got all kind of whizz-bang spy gadgets.”
“Like what?”
Rex ran over to the car, hopped into the driver’s seat, and fiddled with a random control on the dashboard. Gideon had enough time to scream “Take cover” before twin machine guns sprouted from the headlights and fired.
“Stop that!” Mike yelled from behind an overturned desk.
Looking downcast, Rex got back out of the car.
Getting cautiously back to his feet Gideon explained: “it also has anti-gravity. It can function as a shuttle.”
“Really?”
“It’s how you’re getting back home.”
With some trepidation, Tom, Mike, Alice and Rex got into the car. Rex managed to grab the shotgun seat this time.
“Don’t touch anything!”
A yellow hazard light started flashing and Gideon fled the room.
One of the walls slid away to reveal Earth from orbit. The car was sucked out into space.
“What did he mean about how the life sup
port systems probably work?” Alice asked nervously.
Chapter 3
The car skidded to a stop outside of PD headquarters.
“Aaaaack,” Mike had been in a state of near catatonia on the trip back. Alice, white faced, had braced herself against the back of the driver’s seat.
“
[email protected] [email protected] 70talLY @w3soMe!” enthused Rex.
“You probably noticed how I kept my calm, sexy nerve throughout the trip.” Tom said suavely. Alice smacked him in the back of the head.
The four of them got out of the car and headed back to their office.
“So what’s our next move?” Tom asked Mike.
“M-m-must not let you d-d-drive.”
“I think we should break into Baxter’s office and see if we can find anything incriminating,” Alice announced.
Tom stopped. “That is so stupid.” Alice glared at him. “I mean, if you were doing something crazy like Baxter, would you leave stuff all over your office?”
“i 7hInk i7's a G00d id3a!” Rex chimed in. Alice smiled at Rex.
“Oh, all right...” Tom stuck his hands in his pockets and stalked towards the PD building.
* * *
“No one’s that stupid!” Baxter said incredulously as he watched Alice, Mike, Tom and Rex break into his building over the CCTV. “I mean, they didn’t even try to avoid the camera.”
“I think the lizard waved at us. So what do we do?”
“Call the cops, I guess.”
* * *
After 20 minutes of bumbling about, the four of them managed to find Baxter’s office. Locked.
“Now check out this incredible lock-picking skill of mine!” Tom said, but Rex simply walked up to the door and kicked it open, managing to knock the door off its hinges.
Mike started hitting his head against a wall (softly).
“No, no, no.”
Alice rubbed her face.
Rex rushed in and starting literally tearing the place apart.
“So much for being subtle...”
“There is no way we are going to find anything in the mess he’s making!” Mike gritted.
“dud3! cH3ck I7 0ut!” Rex held up a folder with the words “Secret Plan” written on it.
“What kind of a moron would put the words ‘secret plan’ on the cover of a folder containing a secret plan?” Tom demanded.
“This kind.”
The lights went on and the team found themselves looking at several police officers as well as Baxter himself.
“Ummm...officers, we are with the Planetary Defense Agency and this man is in violation of erm...something or other that makes it legal for us to be ransacking his office.”
“Up against the wall. Now!” a cop wearing mirror shades yelled at them.
* * *
“And they rolled me out of bed to deal with you idiots!”
Sterling was chewing the four of them out after springing them from jail.
“But sir! The Elder thinks that he’s up to something!” Tom protested.
“And you! One of the reasons why we wanted you assigned to these two clowns was because you were the only one in the group that didn’t have a Puppeteer! Now what do we do with you?”
“Rex still doesn’t have one.”
“And he can’t,” pointed out Mike. “You see, the synapses in Raptors are completely different from humans, so...”
“Shut up,” snapped Sterling. “Now all of you get out of here!”
The four of them walked back to their desks.
“Yikes,” said Alice.
“dud3!
[email protected] D0 we do now?”
“Now, we do things my way,” said Tom severely.
* * *
The four made a discreet entrance into the casino. It would have been more impressive if table limits had been more than $5, leading to a somewhat cheezy clientele.
“Are you sure Baxter likes to come here?” Alice asked.
“Absolutely,” Tom assured her. Then, to Mike: “Now I can try out my new...magnetism.”
“I think the Elder may have been exaggerating a little bit when he told you...” but Tom had already left the other three and was homing in on an attractive blonde.
“Mind if I join you?” Tom said, taking off his shades.
“Yes, actually, we do!” A rather beefy looking man stood up next to the blonde.
“It’s not every day I meet someone as attractive as you.”
“You shouldn’t say that in front of my boyfriend.”
“Actually, I was talking to him.”
The man slugged Tom, then left in a huff with the blonde.
Alice and Mike helped Tom to his feet. His nose was bleeding.
“Wow, not even Mike is that inept.” Mike glared at Alice. “OK, you’re more inept than Tom.”
Tom staggered a bit. “Hey, where did Rex go?”
They looked around and found Rex at the blackjack table. He was wearing his shades.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Mike demanded.
“duDe liGH7en uP. i've Won lik3 $1,000 5o
[email protected]” Mike looked around.
Hey, do you think you’d be any help with this sort of thing?
Oh please, this game is all simple math!
$500 later...
Wait, I think I’m getting the hang of it.
Shut up.
“bLackjack!” Rex yelled to a cheering crowd.
“Don’t look now, but guess who just walked in?” Alice said in a low voice.
Mike, Tom and Rex all turned at once and looked at the entrance.
“Idiots!”
Standing there was Baxter, with a plump, older woman on his arm. He saw them and narrowed his eyes. Rather than leaving, however, he came over to the blackjack table.
“Sooo, look what the cat brought in...and then brought up.”
“The name’s Blob...James Blob,” Tom intoned.
Baxter stared at him.
“Are you here to talk or to play?”
“Actually I’m here to...” but Mike elbowed him in the ribs.
“We’re just here with our friend Rex.”
The lizard had acquired a cigar from somewhere and was waggling his eye-ridges above his dark glasses.
“Oh yeah?”
$2,000 dollars later...
“You guys suck,” Baxter said as he busted again.
“0wN you!” Rex danced a jig of victory.
“Well, perhaps I can show you that I’m as good a loser as you are winners...would you care to be my guests for dinner?”
“Delighted.” said Alice.
Later on, at a local IHOP...
“Wow, this is great.” Alice said tonelessly.
The waitress put a plate of crispy chicken strips in front of Rex.
“Clo53 3nouGh” said Rex, and dug into the not-quite-chicken nuggets.
“And if you want something other than water, you have to pay for it yourselves!” Baxter announced grouchily.
Baxter’s woman, whose name turned out to be Roxanne, was sitting next to Tom.
“So what do you do, Tom?”
“He’s one of those PD, blob-loving stooges, just like the rest of them!” pronounced Baxter, forking up his pancakes.
Tom looked like he was about to say something, but all that emerged was a “Yipe!” Roxanne had put a hand on his thigh.
“We know you’re up to something, and you won’t get away with it, Baxter,” Mike said, trying for a steely glare. Gobbling sounds came from Rex, who had discovered the “all you can eat” chicken strips deal.
Baxter stared at Mike with tepid disinterest then shouted “Waitress! I’m out of diet coke!”
“How come he gets to have a diet coke while all we get is water?” Alice grumped.
Mike turned to Tom in disgust, but found that the PD agent was trying to scoot farther away from Roxanne. Mike noticed that the woman had a hairy upper lip.
“So, what do you do, Ms...er...Roxanne???
?
“Oh, I just hang out with his cheapness here,” she said, pointing a fork at Baxter, who smiled. “But I’m so much more interested in what you do...Tom, especially for fun.” She squeezed Tom’s thigh for emphasis.
“Ohmygawd, I think I’m going to throw up,” Alice dashed for the bathroom.
“If you do, I want a refund!” Baxter said.
After dinner, the group walked away from the IHOP.
“Just remember...we’re watching you, Baxter!” Mike warned.
“Oh shaddup.” He got into his beater and drove off.
“So what do we do now?” Mike asked, turning to Tom.
Rex burped loudly.
“I...I suppose I could try contacting Roxanne to find out if she knows where Baxter’s secret base is...”
“How do you know she’ll cooperate?” Mike asked.
“She gave me her phone number.” Tom held up a greasy scrap of paper. It read ‘If you want to know more about Baxter, give me a call.’
“I guess that ‘sexual magnetism’ stuff works after all!” Mike chortled.
Alice gagged.
* * *
“OK, I’ll call her, but you guys have to promise you won’t let me sleep with her.”
“Don’t worry stud, I’m sure you won’t get any sleep!” Alice put in nastily.
“dUD3! i think $He's
[email protected]!”
Mike looked at Rex incredulously.
With a shaking hand, Tom dialed Roxanne’s number.
“Hello?” a female voice said breathlessly.
“Um...um, Roxanne? It’s Tom. You probably don’t remember me but...”
“Oh, I remember you.”
Tom shuddered.
“Yeah, well, I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about your friend Baxter?”
“Sure. How about if you drop by my place and we can talk?”
Tom gulped audibly.
“How about if we met someplace...like Denny’s or...”
“I’m afraid I’m not dressed properly to go out. But if you change your mind about dropping by, here’s my address:” Tom jotted down the information and hung up.
“Ummm...she wasn’t there! Yeah! Got her voicemail.”
“It didn’t sound like you got her voicemail.” Alice leered.
“Oh, well, you see, she doesn’t know anything. That’s it! A complete waste of time to talk to!”
“Come on man! Do it for your country!” Mike slapped him on the back.
Rex wagged his tail.
Later on, outside Roxanne’s apartment...
“Alright, but if I’m not out in five minutes I want the rest of you to rescue me!” Tom had a wild, desperate look.
“Absolutely!” Mike said.
“You can count on us!” said Alice.
“D00d!” Rex cried out.
Tom got out of the car and headed towards Roxanne’s building. Alice sniggered.
“What did he ever do to you?” Mike demanded, turning around from the front seat to look at Alice.