“You have to decide, Juan Luis. Please.”
“I’m thinking.”
“Don’t be stupid. I’m not referring to that. I’m talking about everything. Are we going to spend our whole lives classifying documents for the United Nations? Or are we just living some in-between step that will lead to something better, something we don’t know about yet? I’m willing to do anything, Juan Luis, but I can’t make the decisions by myself. Tell me our life together and our work is just an adventure, and it will be all right with me. Tell me they’re both permanent; that will be all right, too. But we can’t act any longer as if our work is transitory and our love permanent, or vice versa, do you understand what I’m saying?”
“How was I going to tell her, Claudia, that her problem was completely beyond my comprehension? Believe me, sitting there in La Clémence, watching the young people riding by on bicycles, listening to the laughter and murmurs of those around us, with the bells of the cathedral chiming their music, believe me, little sister, I fled from this whole confining world. I closed my eyes and sank into myself, I refined in the darkness of my soul my most secret knowledge; I tuned all the strings of my sensitivity so that the least movement of my soul would set them vibrating; I stretched my perception, my prophecies, the whole trauma of the present, like a bow, so as to shoot into the future, which wounded, would be revealed. The arrow flew from the bow, but there was no bull’s-eye, Claudia, there was nothing in the future, and all that painful internal construction—my hands felt numb from the effort—tumbled down like sand castles at the first assault of the waves, not lost, but returning to that ocean we call memory; to my childhood, to our games, our beach, to a joy and warmth that everything that followed could only imitate, try to prolong, fuse with projects for the future and reproduce with present surprise. Yes, I told her it was all right; we would look for a larger apartment. Claire is going to have a baby.”
She herself wrote me a letter in that handwriting I had seen only on the postcard from Montreux. “I know how important you are to Juan Luis, how the two of you grew up together, and all the rest. I want very much to see you and I’m sure we will be good friends. Believe me when I say I already know you. Juan Luis talks so much about you that sometimes I get a little jealous. I hope you’ll be able to come see us someday. Juan Luis is doing very well in his job and everyone likes him very much. Geneva is small but pleasant. We’ve become fond of the city for reasons you can guess and here we will make our life. I can still work a few months; I’m only two months pregnant. Your sister, Claire.”
And the recent snapshot fell from the envelope. You’ve gained weight, and you call my attention to it on the back of the photo: “Too much fondue, Sis.” And you’re getting bald, just like Papa. And she’s very beautiful, very Botticelli, with her long blond hair and coquettish beret. Have you gone mad, Juan Luis? You were a handsome young man when you left Mexico. Look at you. Have you looked at yourself? Watch your diet. You’re only twenty-seven years old and you look forty. And what are you reading, Juan Luis, what interests you? Crossword puzzles? You mustn’t betray yourself, please, you know I depend on you, on your growing with me, I can’t go ahead without you. You promised you were going to go on studying there; that’s what you told Papa. The routine work is tiring you out. All you want to do is get to your apartment and read the newspaper and take off your shoes. Isn’t that true? You don’t say it, but I know it’s true. Don’t destroy yourself, please. I have remained faithful. I’m keeping our childhood alive. It doesn’t matter to me that you’re far away. But we must remain united in what matters most, we mustn’t concede anything to demands that we be anything other (do you remember?) than love and intelligence and youth and silence. They want to maim us, to make us like themselves; they can’t tolerate us. Do not serve them, Juan Luis, I beg you, don’t forget what you told me that afternoon in the Mascarones café. Once you take the first step in that direction, everything is lost; there is no return. I had to show your letter to our parents. Mama got very sick. High blood pressure. She’s in the cardiac ward. I hope not to have to give you bad news in my next letter. I think about you, I remember you, I know you won’t fail me.
Two letters came. First, the one you sent me, telling me that Claire had had an abortion. Then the one you sent Mama announcing that you were going to marry Claire within the month. You hoped we would all be able to come to the wedding. I asked Mama to let me keep her letter with mine. I put them side by side and studied your handwriting to see if they were both written by the same person.
“It was a quick decision, Claudia. I told her it was too soon. We’re young and we have the right to live a while longer without responsibilities. Claire said that was fine. I don’t know whether she understood everything I said to her. But you do, don’t you?”
“I love this girl, I’m sure of it. She’s been good and understanding with me even though at times I’ve made her suffer; neither of you will be ashamed that I would want to make it up to her. Her father is a widower; he is an engineer and lives in Neuchâtel. He approves and will come to the wedding. I hope that you, Papa, and Claudia can be with us. When you know Claire you will love her as much as I, Mama.”
Three weeks later Claire committed suicide. One of your friends at work called us; he said that one afternoon she had asked for permission to leave the office; she had a headache; she went to an early movie and you looked for her that night, as always, in the apartment; you waited for her, and then you rushed about the city, but you couldn’t find her; she was dead in the theater, she had taken the Veronal before she went in and she had sat alone in the first row, where no one would bother her; you called Neuchâtel, you wandered through the streets and restaurants once more, and you sat in La Clémence until they closed. It was the next day before they called you from the morgue and you went to see her. Your friend told us that we ought to come for you, make you return to Mexico: you were mad with grief. I told our parents the truth. I showed them your last letter. They were stunned for a moment and then Papa said he would never allow you in the house again. He shouted that you were a criminal.
I finish my coffee and a waiter points toward where I am seated. A tall man, with the lapels of his coat turned up, nods and walks toward me. It is the first time I have seen that tanned face, the blue eyes and white hair. He asks if he may sit down and asks if I am your sister. I say yes. He says he is Claire’s father. He does not shake hands. I ask him if he wants a cup of coffee. He shakes his head and takes a pack of cigarettes from his overcoat pocket. He offers me one. I tell him I don’t smoke. He tries to smile and I put on my dark glasses. He puts his hand in his pocket again and takes out a piece of paper. He places it, folded, on the table.
“I have brought you this letter.”
I try to question him with raised eyebrows.
“It’s signed by you. It’s addressed to my daughter. It was on Juan Luis’s pillow the morning they found him dead in his apartment.”
“Oh yes, I wondered what had become of that letter. I looked for it everywhere.”
“Yes, I thought you would want to keep it.” Now he smiles as if he already knew me. “You’re very cynical. Don’t worry. Why should you? There’s nothing anyone can do now.”
He rises without saying goodbye. The blue eyes look at me with sadness and compassion. I try to smile, and I pick up the letter. The loudspeaker:
“… le départ de son vol numéro 707 … Paris, Gander, New York, et Mexico.… priés de se rendre à la porte numéro 5.”
I take my things, adjust my beret, and go down to the departure gate. I am carrying my purse and the makeup case and the boarding pass in my hands, but I manage, between the door and the steps of the airplane, to tear the letter and throw the pieces into the cold wind, into the fog that will perhaps carry them to the lake where you dived, Juan Luis, in search of a mirage.
These Were Palaces
To Luise Rainer
No one believed her when she began saying that the dogs were
coming closer, batty old bag, crazy old loon she was, muttering to herself all day long, what nightmares she must have; after what she’d done to her daughter she couldn’t help but have bad nights. Besides, old people’s brains get drier and drier until there’s nothing left but a shriveled little nut rattling around like a marble in their hollow heads. But Doña Manuelita is so virtuous, she doesn’t just water her own flowers, she waters all the flowers on the second floor, every morning you can see her carrying her green gasoline tin, her yellowed fingers sprinkling water over the big clay pots of geraniums lining the iron railing, every evening you see her slipping the covers over the bird cages so the canaries can sleep in quiet.
Some say, isn’t Doña Manuelita the most peaceful person you’ve ever known? What makes people say bad things about her? Old, and all alone, she never does anything out of the ordinary, never calls attention to herself. The flowerpots in the morning, the bird cages in the evening. About nine, she goes out to do her shopping at La Merced market, and on the way back she stops in the big square of the Zócalo and goes into the Cathedral to pray for a while. Then she comes back to the old palace, a tenement now, and fixes her meal. Fried beans, warmed-over tortillas, fresh tomatoes, mint and onion, shredded chilis: the odors wafting out of Señora Manuela’s kitchen are the same as those borne on the smoke from all the meals cooked over old charcoal-burning braziers. All alone, she eats, and stares at the black grate awhile, and rests, she must rest. They say she’s earned it. All those years a servant in a rich man’s house, a lifetime, you might say.
After the siesta, about dusk, she goes out again, all stooped over, her basket filled with dry tortillas, and that’s when the dogs begin to gather. It’s only natural. As she walks along she throws them the tortillas, and the dogs know it and follow her. When she can get enough together to buy a chicken, she saves the bones and throws them to the dogs as they follow her down La Moneda Street. The butcher says she shouldn’t do it, chicken bones are bad for dogs, they can choke on them, chicken bones splinter and pierce the intestines. Then all the bad-mouths say that’s proof that Doña Manuelita is an evil woman, look at that, luring the dogs just to kill them.
She returns about seven, soaked to the bone in the rainy season, her shoes gray with dust when it’s dry. That’s how everyone always thinks of her, bone-white, shrouded in dust between October and April, and between May and September a soppy mess, her shawl plastered to her head, raindrops dripping from her nose and trickling down the furrows of her eyes and cheeks and off the white hairs on her chin. She comes back from her adventures in the black blouse and flapping skirts and black stockings she always hangs out in the night air to dry. She’s the only one who dares to dry her clothes at night. What did I tell you, she’s mad as a hatter, what if it rains, then what good does it do? There’s no sun at night. And there are thieves. Never you mind. She hangs her soaked rags on the communal clotheslines that stretch in all directions across the patio of the building. I’ll let them hang in the night air, the gossips imagine Doña Manuelita saying. Because the truth is, no one’s ever heard her speak. And no one’s ever seen her sleep. Suppositions. Doña Manuela’s clothes disappear from the clothesline before anyone’s up. She’s never been seen at the washtubs, kneeling beside the other women, scrubbing, soaping, gossiping.
“She reminds me of a lonely old queen, forgotten by everyone,” little Luisito used to say before he’d been forbidden to see her, or even speak to her.
“When she’s coming up the stone staircase, I can imagine how this was a great palace, Mother, how a long time ago very powerful and wealthy gentlemen lived here.”
“I don’t want you to have anything to do with her any more. Remember what happened to her daughter. You, more than anyone, ought to remember.”
“I never knew her daughter.”
“She wants you to take her place. I won’t have that, that would be the last straw, the old witch.”
“She’s the only one who ever takes me out. Everyone else is always too busy.”
“Your little sister’s big enough now. She can take you.”
* * *
So, following his directions, Rosa María pushed little Luisito in his wheelchair, wherever he wanted to go. Toward Tacuba Street if what he wanted to see were the old stone and volcanic rock palaces of the Viceregency, wide porticos studded with nail heads as big as coins, balconies of wrought iron, niches sheltering stone Virgins, high gutters and drains of verdigris copper. Toward the squat, faded little houses along Jesús Carranza Street if, on the other hand, it was his whim to think about Doña Manuelita. He was the only one who’d ever been in the old woman’s room and kitchen, the only one who could describe them. There wasn’t much to describe, that was the interesting thing. Behind the doors that were also windows—the wooden kitchen door hung with sheer curtains, the door to her room covered by a sheet strung on copper rods—there was nothing worthy of comment. Just a cot. Everyone else decorated their rooms with calendars, altars, religious prints, newspaper clippings, flowers, soccer pennants and bullfight posters, paper Mexican flags, snapshots taken at fairs, at the Shrine of the Guadalupe. But not Manuelita. Nothing. A kitchen with clay utensils, a bag of charcoal, food for her daily meal, and the one room with its cot. Nothing more.
“You’ve been there. What does she have there? What’s she hiding?”
“Nothing.”
“What does she do?”
“Nothing. Everything she does she does outside her room. Anyone can see her—the flowerpots, the shopping, the dogs and the canaries. Besides, if you don’t trust her, why do you let her water your geraniums and cover your birds for the night? Aren’t you afraid your flowers will wither and your little birds will die?”
It’s hard to believe how slowly the outings with Rosa María go. She’s thirteen years old but not half as strong as Doña Manuelita. At every street corner she has to ask for help to get the wheelchair onto the sidewalk. The old woman had been able to do it by herself. With her, if they went down Tacuba, Donceles, and Gonzales Obregón to the Plaza of Santo Domingo, it was little Luisito who did the talking, it was he who imagined the city as it had been in colonial times, it was he who told the old woman how the Spanish city had been constructed, laid out like a chessboard above the ruins of the Aztec capital. As a little boy, he told Doña Manuelita, they’d sent him to school, it had been torture, the cruel jokes, the invalid, the cripple, his wheelchair tipped over, the cowards laughing and running away, he lying there waiting for his teachers to pick him up. That’s why he’d asked them not to send him, to let him stay home, kids can be cruel, it was true, it wasn’t just a saying, he’d learned that lesson, now they left him alone reading at home, the rest of them went out to work, except his mother, Doña Lourdes, and his sister Rosa María, all he wanted was to be left to read by himself, to educate himself, please, for the love of God. His legs weren’t going to get well in any school, he swore he’d study better by himself, honest, couldn’t they take up a collection to buy him his books, later he’d go to a vocational school, he promised, but only when it could be among men you could talk to and ask for a little compassion. Children don’t know what compassion is.
But Doña Manuelita knew, yes, she knew. When she pushed his wheelchair toward the ugly parts of their neighborhood, toward the empty lots along Canal del Norte, turning right at the traffic circle of Peralvillo, it was she who did the talking, and pointed out the dogs to him, there were more dogs than men in these parts, stray dogs without masters, without collars, dogs born God knows where, born of a fleeting encounter between dogs exactly like each other, a male and a bitch locked together after the humping, strung together like two links of a scabrous chain, while the children of the neighborhood laughed and threw stones at them, and then, separated forever, forever, forever, how was the bitch to remember her mate, when alone, in one of a hundred empty lots, she whelped a litter of pups abandoned the day after they were born? How could the bitch remember her own children?
&nb
sp; “Imagine, little Luis, imagine if dogs could remember one another, imagine what would happen…”
A secret shiver filled with cold pleasure ran down little Luisito’s spine when he watched the boys of Peralvillo stoning the dogs, chasing them, provoking angry barking, then howls of pain, finally, whimpering, as, heads bloody, tails between their legs, eyes yellow, hides mangy, they fled into the distance until they were lost in the vacant lots beneath the burning sun of all the mornings of Mexico. The dogs, the boys, all lacerated by the sun. Where did they eat? Where did they sleep?
“You see, little Luis, if you’re hungry, you can ask for food. A dog can’t ask. A dog must take his food anywhere he can find it.”
But it was painful for little Luis to ask, and he did have to ask. They took up the collection and bought his books. He knew that a long time ago in the big house in Orizaba they’d had more books than they could ever read, books his great-grandfather had ordered from Europe and then gone to Veracruz to wait for, a shipment of illustrated magazines and huge books of adventure tales that he’d read to his children during the long nights of the tropical rainy season. As the family grew poor, everything had been sold, and finally they’d ended up in Mexico City because there were more opportunities there than in Orizaba, and because his father’d been given a place as archivist at the Ministry of Finance. The building where they lived was close to the National Palace and his father could walk every day and save the bus fare. Almost everyone who worked in the office wasted two or three hours a day coming to the Zócalo from their houses in remote suburbs and returning after work. Little Luis watched how the memories, the family traditions, faded away with the years. His older brothers hadn’t graduated from secondary school, they didn’t read, one worked for the Department of the Federal District and the other in the shoe department at the Palacio de Hierro. Of course, among them they made enough money to move to a little house in Lindavista, but that was a long way away, and besides, here in the old building on La Moneda they had the best rooms, a living room and three bedrooms, more than anyone else had. And in a place that had been a palace centuries ago little Luis found it easier to imagine things, and remember.