I remember asking Amit, “Am I going to die?” He handed me a glass of water. “Drink it,” he said. “Pretend it’s bourbon, dude.”
I drank the water.
I kept whispering my mother’s name. If she would only have sung Summertime to me. Sarah, Sarah, who never had a song inside her. My dreams were heavy and I thought they’d never cease. I dreamed Sharkey, I dreamed his voice, I dreamed I found him and took him home with me. I dreamed Amit’s arms. His scars were the same as Sharkey’s. I dreamed I was trying to rub the scars out of their arms, trying to erase the tracks from all the needles. I dreamed I was sitting next to Sam at a movie theatre and I let him hold my hand and I whispered to him not to let go. Don’t ever let go. I dreamed I was a boy and I was in a park and I was crying and Rafael picked me up and held me in his arms and he whispered, Don’t cry, sweet boy. And I took my little hands and ran them across his face and he smiled at me. I dreamed my father and I were walking through the desert and I leaned into him and said I love you, love you, Dad. I love you, love you, love you. I dreamed Adam. He was standing at the entrance of the labyrinth and he was smiling and I wasn’t afraid of his eyes and I said Adam, I’m having a good day.
-4-
The room was quiet and full of light. I wondered if I had died. But then I laughed. Heaven wouldn’t look like Cabin 9. I sat up in bed. I felt weak but I couldn’t help but smile. I felt the tears falling down my face and I wasn’t ashamed of them anymore. Look at me, I’m feeling.
I took a shower and studied my face in the mirror. I was a little washed out. As I looked at the rest of me, I decided I was getting a little too skinny. I checked to see what color my eyes were today. They looked more green than dark. Maybe it was the way the morning sun was coming through the bathroom window. “Hi, Zach,” I whispered. “I see you.” And then the idea entered into my head to read something in Rafael’s journal. I sat on the floor and leaned against the bed.
I flipped through the journal but then I decided to read the letter instead. I don’t know why but I just needed to read it again. I kept thinking about Rafael. And I wanted to tell him that I had survived the last storm of winter. Rafael, I sang. I sang to the monster.
-5-
I looked up and saw Amit walking through the door. “Hey, you’re alive.”
“Yeah, I’m alive.”
“You were down for a few days, dude.”
“What’s today?”
“Sunday.”
“I guess I was really sick.”
“Yeah, dude, you got a home visit from a doctor and everything. They almost put you in the hospital. You know, you said a lot of things in your sleep. I mean you were talking to everybody in the book—Rafael, Adam, me, Sharkey, Santiago, your mom, your dad. You were even talking to your dead dog, Lilly.”
A part of me wanted to ask him what I said, but a part of me already knew. A part of me was embarrassed. And a part of me wasn’t. I shot Amit a snarky smile. “So what did I say to you?”
“It was nice what you said. You kept telling me that maybe you could rub out all the tracks on my arms. I thought that was a really great thing to say.”
I laughed. It was good to laugh. “I’m screwy,” I said. I was tired, but I felt clean after my shower and I changed the sheets again and I spent the afternoon reading sections of Rafael’s journal to Amit. I didn’t think Rafael would mind. Amit was like a kid. He really liked being read to.
So that’s the way we spent Sunday afternoon, listening to Rafael’s words.
What a strange thing—to fall in love with Rafael’s words. To fall in love with storms. To fall in love with your own life.
-6-
On Monday morning, I missed group. I had an appointment with the doctor. I hated that. I really wanted to go to group—which was strange and great all at the same time. And going to the doctor’s office was a pain because I had to be taken in one of the vans by one of the counseling assistants. But it was Steve who was taking me to the doctor’s office and Steve was okay. Yeah, he was a pretty good guy, I think. On the way to the doctor’s office, he smiled at me and said: “Hey Zach, you’re singing.”
“Am I?”
“Yeah. You’re singing.”
“I guess I am.”
“I never took a guy like you for a singer.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“Well, I guess people change.” That’s what I said. People change. If Adam had been in the van, he would have given me a snarky smile and said, “People?”
And I would have returned his snarky smile and said, “Me, Zach. Zach changed.”
And then we both would have given each other a real smile.
See, I hadn’t changed that much. There I was in the van, exchanging a real conversation with Steve for an imaginary conversation with Adam.
-7-
“Zach?”
Adam looked a little confused when he saw me standing in front of his office.
“You were maybe expecting to see Amit?”
“That’s exactly who I was expecting to see.”
“We traded.”
“You traded?”
“We switched appointments.”
“Your idea or his?”
“Mine.”
Adam had this very quiet smile on his face.
“What’s that smile, Adam?”
“It’s just that I’m surprised.”
“Why are you surprised?”
“In the past, you’ve skipped two sessions with me.”
“No, no, that’s not true. I just didn’t show up. I was sick one of those times.”
He sort of grinned at me. “I always made up that you came to our sessions under duress.”
“Not everything you make up about me is true.”
He nodded but I could tell he was still smiling on the inside. “So, you’re alive?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I gotta say that you’re looking pretty good for someone who’s spent the last four days in bed.”
He motioned for me to come into his office. I sat in my usual chair and he sat in his usual chair. Everything was the same but everything felt so new and so strange.
“How do you feel?”
“Is this a Check-in?”
“Yeah, it’s a Check-in.”
“I feel spiritually connected.”
“You’re a wiseass, you know that?”
“Yeah.” I smiled. I just kept smiling. I don’t know. I was happy. “I feel good, Adam.”
“I was worried about you.”
“That’s nice,” I said.
“Are you eating?”
Yeah, I knew I was looking pretty skinny. “The doctor says I’m fine. He says I’m underweight but that I’m healthy. And I got the results to the blood work they took last week. My liver is great. No damage.”
Adam nodded and then studied me. “You look different.”
“I feel different.”
“You want to talk about that?”
“There was a storm,” I said, “and I sang to the monster.”
“So now you’re singing to the monster?”
“Yes.”
“Explain that to me.”
And so I told him about what happened in Breathwork and how I walked the labyrinth and the storm and how Rafael was there with me and how Mr. Garcia’s trumpet was with me too. “And you were there too, Adam, and you told me I see you, Zach.” I told him everything that happened. I didn’t keep anything inside, and it was like I was letting out all the secrets that had been living inside me. “The secrets were killing me, Adam. They were.”
“So you remembered?”
“Yeah, Adam. I remembered.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m sure.” I caught myself staring down at the floor and lifted my eyes up toward Adam. “I trust you.”
“I know you do.”
“Okay. It
was a Saturday night. I went out with my friends. Antonio, Gloria, Tommy, Mitzie and Albert. Well, Albert and Gloria were supposed to come but they didn’t make it. I don’t remember why. So it was just the four of us, Antonio, Tommy, Mitzie and me. We went to this party but there wasn’t much going on. And then Tommy said he knew this place out in the desert where people partied and he said there was gonna be some big bash. I’d come prepared. I’d gotten some wino on the street to buy me two bottles of Jack Daniels.”
“Pints? Half-pints?”
That Adam, he always had questions.
“No, you know the bigger bottles.”
He gave me that look. “Guess you were ready to party.”
“Yeah. So we go to this place out in the desert and there’s like a hundred kids out there. I mean, maybe more. And they had this fire going out there which was cool because it was December and it was cold as shit and we just partied. I mean, most people were just drinking and there was some pot being passed around.”
“Did you do any pot?”
“Yeah. Some. And it was really weird because I ran into Sam.”
“Who’s Sam?”
“Guess I didn’t tell you about Sam.”
“No, guess you didn’t. Who is he?”
“He’s this guy who wanted to kiss me.”
“When? That night?”
“No, no. See, he was this guy at school and he was kind of a jock and we hung out one night. You know, we drove around and went to a movie. And the guy was watching me more than he was watching the movie. And when he drove me home, he wanted to kiss me.”
“And what did you do?”
“I asked him why he wanted to do that.”
“That’s what you asked him?”
“Yeah,” I said. ‘Why would anyone want to kiss me?’
“That’s what you said?”
“Yeah.”
“And did you want him to kiss you?”
“No. I just got pissed off and grabbed one of my dad’s bottles and took off walking.”
“Did you get real drunk that night?”
“Yeah.”
“And did you think about Sam when you got drunk?”
“Yeah.”
“What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that it really made me mad that he wanted to kiss me. Why would he want to do that?”
“So you were really angry?”
“Yeah, I was.”
“Didn’t you do the same thing when Mr. Garcia played the trumpet for you?”
I had to think about that. “Yeah,” I said. “I guess I did.”
Adam nodded. He was about to say something, but then he didn’t. Then he thought a moment. “Anyway, you were at this party with your friends out in the desert getting plastered and you ran into Sam.”
“Yeah, I ran into Sam. Which really wigged me out because in the first place, I saw him as this really straight jock—I mean straight in the sense that I didn’t figure him for a guy who liked to get high. He wasn’t straight in the other way. I mean, he wanted to kiss me. So, anyway, I’m half trashed but I’m feeling really good. You know, there’s this part when I’m drinking that I feel really happy and at peace and there isn’t any sadness in me. I was at that part of my high and I was so happy. And I ran into Sam and I said, ‘Hi.’
“And he said, ‘Hi.’ And then he said, ‘Are you as drunk as I am?’
“And I said, ‘I’m just feeling really good.’
“And he laughed and said, ‘I’m feeling really good too.’ And then he said, ‘I’m surprised you’re talking to me.’
“And I said, ‘Why wouldn’t I talk to you?’
“And he said, ‘Because I wanted to kiss you.’
“‘Yeah, well,’ I said, ‘that really wigged me out.’
“‘I thought you knew I was gay. It’s not a secret.’
“‘Wow,’ I said, ‘really? Like everybody knows?’
“‘Yeah, everybody but you, Zach. I guess I thought you knew.’
“And, I didn’t know. I guess that made me feel really bad. I don’t know why. And he kept looking at me and I just, hell, I just took a drink from my bottle of Jack and smiled and we talked some more and then he asked me if I was sure I didn’t want to kiss him and I said I was sure.”
“And were you sure, Zach?”
“Yeah.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“And then what happened, Zach?”
“I don’t know. I don’t remember that much. You know, I think I drank too much.”
“You think you drank too much?”
“Okay, I drank too much. Later, I remember waking up. I was lying on the hood of Antonio’s car. I remember throwing up and everything spinning and I felt really bad. And there weren’t as many people around and some girl asked me if I was all right and I said I was just a little sick. And she was really nice and she gave me a bottle of water and I drank it all down and she just smiled and said there was an ice chest in her car if I wanted more. And she pointed to the car and I walked over there and drank another bottle down and then I got another bottle and poured it all over my face and I went looking for Antonio and Mitzie and Tommy but I couldn’t find them. I figured they must have gone into the desert to shoot up or something. I just didn’t know, but I felt really bad and I don’t know why but I was scared.”
“What were you scared of?”
I looked at Adam. I wanted him to know what I’d felt. “I had this feeling. This really bad feeling. And I just wanted to go home.”
“And so you went home?”
“Well, I didn’t have a ride and I was in the middle of nowhere—but then I see Sam. And he’s talking to some guy and I walk up to him and ask him if he could take me home. And he says, ‘You won’t kiss me but you’ll take a ride from me.’
“And I said, ‘I see your point.’ So I just walked away from him. But he caught up with me and said, ‘Sorry. That was really mean. I’m not mean. I’m sorry. Look, I’ll take you home. You look like shit.’”
“So he took you home?”
“Yeah. I slept most of the way. But it was really a nice thing to do, to take me home. He didn’t have to do that. And when we got to my house, he woke me up. ‘Zach, you’re home.’
“I nodded and thanked him. And I told him it was a really nice thing that he did and then I told them that maybe next time I saw him, maybe he could kiss me.”
“You said that, Zach?”
“Yeah, I said that.”
“Did you mean it?”
“I don’t know. I just wanted to thank the guy. You know, he did me a favor.”
Adam didn’t say anything. “So what happened then?”
“Sam smiled and he said he’d hold me to it. And I smiled back. And then he drove away. And that’s when the nightmare began.” I didn’t fight the tears that were falling from my face. I guess I’d decided to stop fighting a war with my tears. See, the tears always won anyway, so I just went with it. “When I walked into the house, Santiago was sitting in my father’s chair and he was holding a gun. And my parents—” My throat was dry and swollen and the words were stuck in me again. They were stuck but I knew I had to say this. I had to say this. I had to tell Adam what had happened. Because I was telling myself too. I needed to hear the words. I needed to hear myself say them. I hadn’t noticed that Adam had walked out of the room and had come back in with a cup of water. He handed me the water.
“Take your time, Zach.”
“Is our hour up?”
“Don’t worry about the hour, Zach.”
I drank some water. I kept moving my palms over my cheek, but the tears kept coming. And I knew I just had to make myself talk. I had always stopped. I had always let the words stay dammed up inside me. And I wanted to blow up the dam so that the words would just come out of me.
“Breathe, Zach.”
I took a breath like Adam told me to.
“Again.”
I took another bre
ath.
“Now let it out slowly.”
I did what Adam said.
“Good. Just keep breathing.”
I nodded. And then finally, it seemed that the words were there. They were there and I just pushed them out. “My mom and dad were lying on the floor. There was blood everywhere. And Santiago was just sitting there.” I didn’t care if the sobs were trying to get in the way of my words because I was going to talk. I was going to tell my story. The words, those awful words weren’t going to stay inside me anymore. No more no more no more. “And, Adam, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t move. I just saw my mom and dad lying there in their own blood and I knew they were dead and Santiago kept looking at me and smiling and then he said I’ve been waiting for you. And he pointed the gun at me and then pointed the gun at himself and then at me and then at himself, back and forth like that and he was singing eenie, meenie, miney, moe. And I thought he was going to kill me and I guess I just didn’t care. I closed my eyes and I heard the gun go off. And then I opened my eyes and saw Santiago. He’d stuck the gun in his mouth and—” That’s when the words stopped. That was all I could say.
I don’t know how long I sat there. But the tears had stopped and the world was very quiet.
“I ran, Adam. I just ran.”
“But you’re not running now, Zach.”
“I think…I think…I think that—”
“You think what, Zach?”
“A part of me wished Santiago would have pointed the gun at me, you know? Do you know what I’m saying, Adam?”
“I know.”
“I wished I would have died along with them.”
“A part of you did die, Zach.”
I looked at Adam who was sitting across from me. There were tears rolling down his face. “But look, Zach, another part of you lived. You lived, Zach.”
“You’re crying,” I said.
“That happens sometimes,” he said.
We both sat there for a long time, not saying anything.
“When Rafael was talking about his son, you cried then too.”
“Yeah, I cried.”
“Do we hurt you?”
“No. You move me, Zach.”
That’s a beautiful thing. That’s what I wanted to say, but I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything.