It was on their wedding night that all her fears and misery came out. The Howard man hired a room at an inn. At supper Zared sat silently by him. She did not speak, and she ate very little. Several times she glanced at Tearle and saw that he was looking at her with gentle eyes, almost as though he understood what she was feeling, but she wasn't going to let herself soften toward him.
When it was time to go to bed she braced herself, but instead, with a polite concern, he sent the landlady up with her. But Zared didn't undress. Instead, she sat rigidly on the bed and waited for him.
Some time later Tearle came to the room, and by the light of a single candle she stared at the bed hangings while she heard him undress. She heard the loud rustle of the straw-filled mattress as he climbed into bed beside her. And then he reached out to touch her.
At his touch all of Zared's fears and rage came leaping to the surface. Later she couldn't remember exactly what she had said, but she used words that would have earned her a beating had she used them around her brothers. She told the Howard man what she thought of his treachery, of his lies. She told him that the souls of the Peregrines would come back to haunt him. She called him every name she could think of and said that she would shed her own blood if he so much as touched her.
Days later she could still remember the look on his face. He seemed to be stunned by her accusations, stunned by her hatred. He got out of bed and pulled on his braes, then he turned to look at her.
"I was in error. I thought perhaps that—"
"You thought what?" she spat at him.
"I thought that we could be a man and a woman. But I seem to be wrong."
"We are a Peregrine and a Howard," she said. "How could we be anything else? Did you expect me to love you because a few words were spoken by a priest? Did you expect to wipe out three generations of hatred with a few moments in a church? I told you I hated you. Did you not believe me?"
He was silent for some time as he looked at her. "I do not think I did. I have had… feelings for you since I first saw you. It was vain of me to think that those feelings would ever be returned." He pulled on his linen shirt, then gathered his other clothes over his arm and went to the door. "I will see you in the morning," he said, then he left the room.
For a moment Zared was too stunned to speak. She sat on the bed and stared at the closed door. What manner of man was he? Had a woman spoken to one of the Peregrine men as Zared had just spoken to Tearle… well, her brothers would have done just what Severn did to Lady Anne. But when she had cursed the Howard man he did not return her rage but instead left his bride on her wedding night.
She didn't sleep much that night, and in the morning she went downstairs to where the Howard men were already waiting for her. Her husband did not help her onto her horse as he usually tried to do, nor did he speak to her during the day.
That night they stayed at another inn, and he did not so much as come to her room. Zared was too tired to stay awake, but when she awoke in the morning she tried to stamp down the resentment that she felt. She rode beside him and found his silence as annoying as she'd once found his constant talking.
"Where are we going?" she asked, and the words came out more belligerently than she meant them.
He gave her a hard look. There were dark circles under his eyes and whisker stubble on his cheeks. Had Zared not been so caught up in her own misery she would have wondered at the look of him. She had no way of knowing that Tearle had spent the previous two nights alone and awake, drinking and cursing himself. He had congratulated himself in being so clever in persuading the woman to marry him, but he'd not thought beyond the ceremony. Perhaps he'd been foolish enough to believe that after the words were said she'd turn to him in love. But the mere ceremony of marriage had not changed her. Even knowing her as he did, he had been unprepared for the vehemence with which she had attacked him on their wedding night. He had won her, true, but what had he won? A woman who hated him with all her heart and soul.
"I am taking you to my brother so that he can throw you in the dungeon and torture you. I am going to allow him to use you in his war against your brothers. I, like he, have a great desire to own that decaying castle of yours. It is my greatest wish to see your brother Severn dead and to be married to a woman who hates me."
She looked away from him. "Where are we going?" she asked in a much softer tone.
"To my house. I do not often stay with my brother. The house was owned by my mother."
She gave him a look of surprise.
"Does it surprise you that I had a mother? Or have you been taught that all Howards come directly from hell?"
"I have never thought about your mother. Your brother starved mine to death in a siege when I was but a child."
Tearle looked away from her. "Yes, Oliver would do that."
She didn't speak for a while, and then she asked him about his mother, saying that she thought he had grown up in France. He told her of living with his mother in France but added that every other year she would come back to the place that had been her father's house to see to the people on her land. Tearle would travel with her.
There was another long period of silence, then he looked at her. "Do you know why I wanted to marry you?"
"No," she answered honestly. "I do not know."
"Part of the reason is that I want to end this feud. It has gone on too long. Unlike you, I have not been raised with this hatred between the Howards and the Peregrines. I know that there is a dispute about who should have the title and the land. My brother has no children, and from looking at him, I would guess that he has not long to live."
"Then you will be the duke," Zared said softly.
"Yes, I will become the duke. I thought that if I were to marry a Peregrine and a son were to come from that union, then the child could one day inherit the title and the lands. That way both the Howards and the Peregrines would own what they both want."
"No!" she said sharply. "It is Peregrine land. It has always been Peregrine land. My brother Rogan should be the duke, and his son should rule after him. No Howard should own the land or the title."
He arched an eyebrow at her. "It would be your son who became the duke. Would you not want that?"
There was no decision for her to make. "My son would not deserve the title. Nor do you. It belongs to my brother Rogan." She looked at him. "You married me to ensure the title for yourself and your son?"
At that Tearle sighed and shook his head. "Will you forever believe the worst of me? I am not my brother. I saw a way of ending the feud, and yet you believe only that I want power. What can I do to prove to you my worth?"
"When you inherit, turn it all over to my brother."
Tearle's eyes widened. "Your grandmother was never legally married. It is only legend that they were married. Your family is a lot of bastards. Even the king declared it so."
"That's not true!" she yelled at him. "My family is the true owner of all that your brother holds. Why do you think he fights us so hard if it isn't true?"
"It might have to do with your brothers killing my brothers," Tearle said softly, then he paused a moment. "If our marriage and our producing a child will not settle the feud, then I see no reason for our being married."
"Nor do I," she answered, looking straight at him.
Tearle looked at her a while, and then he smiled. "I have done foolish things in my life, but nothing like this. Lady Zared," he said, sweeping off his cap, "I apologize for having forced you into marriage with me. I apologize for thinking that I could make you care for me. I see now that I was a fool. The Peregrine hatred is stronger than the Howard love. Since there seems to be no way to compromise in this feud—since both sides ask for complete surrender—then I suggest that we end this marriage."
"H-how can we do that?"
"I shall petition the king. I am sure that with a little land deeded to him he will allow the marriage to be annulled. Then we can all go back to where we were. Your people can spy on my people, and mine
can spy on yours. Does that suit you?"
"I'm not sure," she said hesitantly.
"Not sure? What alternative is there? You hate me, and you'd rather die than allow me to touch you, so there can be no hope of children. For myself, I would like to have a few brats. My proposal is that we stay at my mother's house until we have heard from the king. I do not think that I would like to stay with you and this formidable brother of yours, nor do I think that you would like to stay with my brother."
"No!" she said quickly. "I don't want to stay with the Howards."
"Then it is settled. That is, if this is all right with you. I no longer want to be accused of forcing you—of forcing you to marry me, of forcing you to go to bed with me. As you said, you'd rather mate with a… what was it you said? A three-legged hunchback with the mark of the devil on his cheek. Do I have it right?"
Zared looked away, her face red. She had said many things on their wedding night and didn't remember half of them. She would have said anything that night to keep him from touching her. She nodded.
"Good, at last we seem to agree on something. The sooner we get the marriage annulled, the sooner we can get away from each other, and the sooner I can find myself a few willing women." He smiled in a way that Zared had not seen before. His whole face softened. "At the tournament there was the prettiest little green-eyed blonde. She had hair…" He stopped and cleared his throat. "Well, then, it's settled. Shall we clasp hands on the bargain?"
Zared took his hand and quickly and firmly clasped it, then she looked away, frowning. She had what she wanted, but for some reason she wasn't happy at all.
The sight of the house owned by her husband's mother made Zared even more unhappy. It was a house—not a fortress protected by high walls, but a beautiful, large house made of pink stone. There were trees in the large park surrounding it, and she saw deer roaming under the trees. Everything was clean and tidy and utterly beautiful.
Part of her said that the house was useless in defense, that it could be taken by anyone who wanted it, but another part loved the beauty of the place.
When they rode up to the courtyard their horses' hooves clattering on the cobblestones, people came out of the house to greet them. There were three older women, all exquisitely dressed in brocade, their headdresses sparkling with jewels.
Tearle introduced her to the ladies who were kind enough and polite enough to make no reaction to her boy's clothes. Zared had planned to dismount and curtsy to them, but she bent only a little before Tearle caught her arm and held her upright. He told her that the lovely women were to be her maids, that they were to care for her just as they had for his mother. She was to go with them, and he would see her at supper.
As Zared looked at the women, looked at their beautiful gowns, she felt something akin to fear. Until that moment she hadn't considered what it was going to mean to her life to dress as a woman. She had been so involved with her anger at her husband that she had not considered the issue. She thought of wearing a silk gown and felt some excitement, some part of her wanting to feel the fabric against her skin, but another part of her was terrified. With longing she looked back at the Howard men. They were no doubt going to the stables or to the men's quarters to drink beer and brag to one another about the tournament. How she would have liked to have gone with them! She would feel more comfortable with those bragging, belching, scratching men than with the ladies.
She looked from the men to Tearle and saw that he was watching her. For the first time she didn't look at him as though he were her enemy; he was the most familiar person to her. She gave him a little smile.
He didn't return the smile and seemed to be puzzled by hers.
"This way, Lady Zared," one of the women said to her.
Zared gave Tearle a look of pleading, silently asking him to help her, to allow her to go with the men.
Gradually he seemed to understand her meaning, and he smiled at her. "I will come to you soon," he said.
The words made Zared blush, for they sounded as though she couldn't bear to be parted from him. She put her nose in the air and followed the three ladies. She'd show him that she didn't need him.
Upstairs it was worse than she had feared. The women seemed to think that she was dressed in boy's clothes for protection and that she was dying to put on a silk gown. They apologized for not having made her room ready.
Zared looked at the large oak-paneled room and wondered what could have been done to make it more ready. There was no room in her family's castle that was half as nice. She went to the big four-poster bed and tentatively touched the hangings.
"Shall we help you bathe and dress, my lady?" one of the women asked.
Zared did not want to show her ignorance. "No, I… I will do it myself." She saw the women look from one to the other and knew that she had done wrong.
"Very well, then, we shall have your bath sent to you."
Zared gave a silent nod, and the women left the room. Within minutes four men carried the big wooden tub into the room, and women followed with hot water, soap, and towels.
The bathwater felt good, and Zared was glad that Liana had shown her enough about bathing so that she wouldn't look to the Howard maids to be more of a fool than she already did. She soaped her body and her hair, then ducked under the water to rinse. When the water was cool she stepped out of the tub onto the cold stone floor and picked up the drying towel. It was of a finer quality than she was used to, and it was warm from the fire. For a moment she buried her face in its softness and smelled it. No matter how much her home castle had been cleaned, she thought, it could never smell as good as this house and everything in it.
When she was dry she looked for her clothes, but they were nowhere to be found. Instead, on the bed was a clean linen shift and a long, soft velvet robe. She put the shift on, then slipped her arms into the robe. It was of a deep blue with tiny gold fleurs-de-lis embroidered on it. She hugged her arms about her and closed her eyes for a moment as she rubbed her cheek against the lush softness.
At that moment there was a soft knock on the door, and then one of the maids entered. Zared thought her name was Margaret.
"My lady," the woman said, and it took Zared a moment to realize that the woman was speaking to her. "Lord Tearle asks that you join him below for supper."
Zared opened her mouth to say that she would be there soon, for she was quite hungry, but then she realized that she had no clothes. "I would like my clothes returned to me," she said as haughtily as she could manage.
"If you would be so good as to tell me where your baggage is, I will see that your garments are sent to you straight away."
There was nothing to reply to that, for Zared had no baggage. "Tell him"—she wasn't sure what to call her husband—"that I am not hungry and will not eat with him."
"Then I will help you into your nightdress."
Zared knew that she didn't have any nightclothes either. In her family night apparel had been an unnecessary expense. Her brother bought her a suit of clothes, and she wore them night and day until they either wore out or she was too tall for them. "No," she told the maid, "I will see to myself." She breathed a sigh of relief when the woman left her alone.
With a sigh she looked at the bed. There didn't seem much else to do except to go to bed with her stomach rumbling. She was startled when, a few minutes later, four men came and took the tub of dirty water away.
Moments later, when she was standing by the fire warming her hands, running them across the velvet of her robe, another knock sounded. This time, again before she could speak, the door opened, and her husband entered.
"You carry this too far," he said to her. "Do you hate my company so much that you will starve yourself?"
"Why, no," she said in surprise. "I do not—"
"Ah, then you plan to have all your meals alone in your room."
"I did not request a meal in here." The truth was that she didn't know that she could request a meal brought to her room. It was not somethi
ng that had ever been done at her brothers' house.
Tearle went to her and put his hands on her shoulders. "You cannot do this. You cannot starve yourself. If it is my company that you so despise, then I will see that you have your meals here alone. No one will bother you, but below I have music and entertainment. Can I not persuade you to sit with me at supper?"
She gave him a look of disgust. "I have no clothes, you fool. What am I to wear while I sit at your table? Those maids of yours have taken my clothes."
It seemed to take him a moment to understand what she was saying, then he smiled at her. He turned away and went to a large carved chest against one wall. "You should have asked. I had you put in this room because it was my mother's. Her clothes are here."
Zared stood back as he rummaged in the chest and withdrew a gown of dark reddish-brown velvet. There was fur of a darker brown on it, and she very much wanted to touch it, but she held back. "How could I ask your maids for clothes? Am I to let them know that I am a pauper? My sister-in-law came to my brother with wagons full of dresses." She wanted to let him know that if she didn't have the proper clothes, she at least knew what she was supposed to have.
Tearle saw the pride in her face. "I will tell them that all you had was lost in a flood. Yes, that you had eight—no, twelve—wagons full of the finest clothes from France, but they were all lost, so now you must make do with my mother's old things." He held out the dress to her. "It is indeed old, but I think it might be a near fit, and the color will suit you."
Zared put out her hand to touch the fur that edged the neck of the dress. "Mink," she said, and she looked up at him and smiled.
"You'll wear the dress?"
She could only nod.
"Then I will call a maid to help you with your hair and help you dress."
"No!" she said, looking down at her hands. "I will dress myself." She didn't want to look like a fool in front of the maids. She knew that they would laugh when they saw that she had no idea how to put the dress on or what to do with her hair. Zared had heard Liana's maids ask Liana hundreds of questions about braids and headdresses and ribbons and stockings, and Zared knew that she would know none of the answers.