Walking over to kiss my forehead, he says, “I already packed a sandwich. Have fun today.”
I nod, watching him walk out the door. He does this every day for hours in the spring and fall. I used to think he was miserable just because I didn’t see how anyone could be happy with this life. But these last few months, I’ve realized he is content. I just wish he had someone to share his life with.
As soon as my dad disappears into the machine shed, I head upstairs to get ready for my trip into town. It might sound crazy, but this is a lot of excitement for most people who live in the country. I’ve been stuck in this old house for almost a week now, watching old movies and catching up on my reading list.
The excitement lessens as I open my closet and scan my clothing options. Being seven months pregnant doesn’t suit my once-stylish wardrobe. At least most of the weight gain has stayed on my stomach and breasts.
I pull out a royal blue maxi dress with thick straps to give me the support I need. Next, I pin my hair up in a high ponytail and apply a thin layer of mascara and lip-gloss.
I finish just as the doorbell rings, and hurry down the stairs as fast as I can, opening it before Clay gets another chance to push the button.
“Hey,” he says, looking me up and down. His smile widens along the way creating some of the uneasiness I feel when we’re alone.
“Hey, are you ready to go?”
“More than ready. I have a little surprise for you.”
“Clay, I hate surprises.” I remember the last surprise I got … the carriage ride with Drake. The heavy weight I’ve been trying to escape drops in my chest again.
I hate surprises. Absolutely hate them.
“Come on. This is every pregnant woman’s dream,” he says, tilting his head to the side with the cocky smile I’ve known for years. He’s nothing like Drake. He’s only a few inches taller than me with dark hair and soft green eyes.
He’s cute; I can’t argue that. He’s also been there for me since the day I told him about the baby.
“Okay.” I grab my purse off the hook and follow him to his truck. It’s so hot I can feel my hair curling against my neck. “Does this surprise include ice cream because if it doesn’t, I can’t consider it a dream?”
He laughs, opening the door for me. “Of course it does.”
“Good, let’s get out of here then.”
EVERY SUMMER, I TAKE MY FAMILY to the state fair. It’s a tradition, and as sad as it sounds, it’s become our annual family vacation … our getaway doesn’t involve a single night spent away from home, but my sisters look forward to it.
I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to do with my life, but at least I know I can have one now. It took a few weeks, but after I set my mind to it, I was able to walk without my crutches. Progress was slow, but other than some weakness after long distances, I’m almost back to normal. I may never run again, and football is out of the cards, but for now, I’m dealing with life the best I can.
The part of this entire situation that stings the worst was my own doing. I chose to let Emery go, but I didn’t do it for myself. I did it for her, and every day I question whether I made the right decision. Is she happier now? Has she moved on? Does she still think of me?
I’ve grabbed my keys, ready to go after her more times than I can count, but I always talk myself out of it. She deserves more than the life I’d be able to give her. I think I’ve always known that, and my injury put me back in my place.
“Drake, can we get funnel cake?” Tessa asks as I pull into the parking lot next to the fairgrounds.
“Yeah, you can get a funnel cake, but you have to share it with Quinn?” I glance up in the rearview mirror, watching as she shakes her head.
After I park the car, I turn to my two sisters who are waiting patiently in the back seat. “I want you guys to stay close to me, got it?”
Quinn rolls her eyes. “I’m fifteen. You don’t have to treat me like I’m four anymore, Drake.”
Girls are not easy to deal with. Quinn solidifies this every day.
“There are thousands of people in there. I’m not going to spend hours looking for you when it’s time to go.”
“You should just let me get a cell phone,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest.
Taking a deep breath, I calm myself down before answering … controlling my temper has always been an issue—more so since my injury. “We’re not talking about this again today. Now, let’s go.” I climb out of the car before she has time to respond. I can’t even afford two funnel cakes, so how the fuck would I buy her a cellphone?
“If Daddy were still here, he’d buy me one.”
I hate when she plays that card with me. It digs up painful memories that I’ve been working hard to forget and fills me with guilt. Every day I wonder if my dad would be proud of me. Would he think I’m doing a good job with my sisters? What would he say about the way I’ve handled my mom?
I’ll never know.
“I’m serious. Let it go, or you can sit in the car.” I watch her closely as she steps out, and to my surprise, she doesn’t say another word.
As we walk toward the entrance gate, I pull the cash and loose change from my pocket, making sure we have enough. I pay the lady behind the counter and carefully tuck the rest back in my pocket.
“What do you want to do first?” I ask, stepping off to the side.
“Rides!” Tessa yells.
“Concert tent,” Quinn adds.
“Okay, here’s the deal. We’ll all go to the concert tent, and when that’s over, we’ll do rides before we hit the food stands. Good?”
No words greet me, but silence is just as good with these two.
As we weave our way through the crowds, I keep Tessa at my side, and Quinn in front of me. I know they both think I’m an overbearing asshole, but it’s my job to protect them. It has been since Dad died.
When we step into the concert tent, a local country band is playing. They’re pretty good, which makes it hard to find a seat. After scanning the crowded space a couple times, I spot two empty chairs toward the back and escort the girls to them.
“Sit here. I’m going to stand in the back.”
I walk to the corner of the tent and prop myself against a large wooden pillar. I’d never admit it to anyone out loud, but walking around for more than a few minutes still kills makes me weak. When the doctor said I’d never be able to play football again, I didn’t think he meant I’d have this lingering pain long after the accident. The worst fucking part is that I’m getting used to it.
As I let myself relax to the sound of the guitar, the band sings typical country song about a guy who’d do anything to be with the woman he loves. The singer’s voice trails off. “I should have never let her go, because then I wouldn’t be here.” And that’s when I see her seated on the other side of the tent with her back to me. I’d recognize her from any angle, because when we were together, I never took my eyes off her.
I’d convinced myself that I was doing okay without her. I convinced myself that she was better without me.
But now I don’t know who I was fucking kidding. I’ve been lonely, miserable, and almost impossible to be around. All because I’m missing her.
Something like a magnetic force or a strong current has always pulled me to her. I’m feeling it right now. As I take one step toward her, she stands suddenly. That’s when I notice it for the first time.
The swell of her belly. The curve of her breasts. When I look up, I notice the glow on her cheeks. The weight on my chest holds me in place. So many thoughts are racing through my head. Is that mine? Why didn’t she tell me? Actually, I know why she wouldn’t tell me; I told her I didn’t want anything to do with her the last time I saw her. What do I expect?
My feet slowly start moving forward again as I try to talk myself into facing her. I’ve never been more scared in my life. Imagine that … Drake Chambers scared of speaking to a girl. A few more steps, and I notice him. He comes up
beside her and places his hand on her lower back. I have no idea who he is, but I fucking hate him. My eyes shift again, spotting his other hand on her stomach.
I watch her as she smiles up at him, and a sick feeling comes over me. It’s his. The baby that brought the glow to Emery’s beautiful face is his, and any chance I may have had to get her back is gone. For a second, I imagine walking up to her. I imagine her telling me about the baby, and things being different between us. Maybe I want it to be mine.
It doesn’t matter. Maybe I didn’t matter to her because it doesn’t look like it took her that long to move on. I can’t even look at another girl without feeling like I’m cheating on Emery, and we haven’t been together for almost seven months.
Pain pierces my heart. I thought what Emery and I had meant something, and seeing her here with him, carrying his baby … it hurts. So fucking much, it hurts.
This is what I wanted for her when I let her go … or so I thought.
Emery’s always been about dreams and stability. I certainly can’t make her dreams come true, and I have no idea what stability feels like.
After watching them disappear from the tent, I gather Tessa and Quinn so we can hit the rides and get out of here. The last thing I want to do is run into the happy couple, but I’m going to take a wild guess and assume they won’t be enjoying the rides with Emery’s current condition.
“I wasn’t ready to leave yet,” Tessa whines, not keeping pace with Quinn and me.
“I read there’s a chance of rain, so we better keep moving or we might not get to everything,” I say, slowing my steps so she can catch up.
“Are we still going to have time to get a funnel cake? You promised.”
“We’ll grab a funnel cake on our way out if you quit whining.” I’m being a complete asshole, but I couldn’t control it right now if I tried. Anger, disappointment, and sadness are running through my veins, and there’s nothing I can do about it while we’re here. The only thing that’s going to fix this is a twelve-pack and a few rounds with my punching bag.
“You’re mean,” Tessa scoffs, walking in front of me.
With nothing to say to that, I follow after her. After buying them each enough tickets for a few rides, I stand back and watch as they bounce from ride to ride. It gives me time to try and get ahold of the monster feelings I’m grappling with internally. It doesn’t work, and by the time they’ve used all their tickets, I’m ready to get out of here.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the familiar long blue dress. I take a chance and turn my head, watching Emery on the other side of the midway as she stands beside the guy she was with in the tent. He’s playing a game, one where you toss three balls into the impossible hoop. I should walk away before she sees me, but my curiosity holds me in place. She’s even more beautiful with her swollen belly. Even with the turmoil and confusion inside of me, I can admit that much.
I watch as she stares at a large stuffed green frog that hangs next to her, smiling as she squeezes one of its legs. I’ve seen that look before—it’s one of want and excitement. If I were that guy, I’d do whatever it takes to get it for her.
After a few more tries with the ball, he turns to her and throws his arms up in defeat. She shrugs, following him to the next game, but I don’t miss when she glances back at the frog again and how close she is to seeing me.
I’m ready to get out of here. I need to get out of here. I find my sisters watching the bumper cars and head in their direction.
“Let’s grab your funnel cake and leave before it starts to sprinkle,” I mumble, walking to a concession stand in the middle of the midway.
Quinn places her hand over her eyes and looks up to the sky. “There’s not a cloud in the sky, Drake.”
“They’re coming,” I say, not really referring to the weather. It’s life, or at least it’s my life. There’s always a cloud forming over the horizon.
I order two funnel cakes in an effort to smooth over our hurried trip and grab enough napkins for a kindergarten classroom before heading to my car.
I wish it wasn’t an hour-long drive, but with any luck, they’ll fall asleep, and I can think. The girls are behind me, but I hear their shoes hitting the gravel parking lot so I don’t bother slowing my pace. I’m lost in my own world when I hear a familiar voice say my name. My whole world freezes as I glance to my left and see her standing next to a new white Ford truck with the unnamed asshole by her side.
I turn, causing Tessa and Quinn to run into me because they aren’t paying attention to anything but their funnel cakes. “Go wait in the car. I’ll be there in a minute.” I hand Quinn my keys and watch to make sure they follow my directions for once. As it turns out, it’s easier to get them to do something when they have food.
When my eyes find Emery again, she’s in a heated debate. I walk over to where they stand in case she needs my help.
“Clay, just give me a few minutes. I need to do this by myself,” I hear her say in a hushed tone. Clay, her high school boyfriend. I don’t know if that makes this better or worse.
He looks at me then back down at her, carefully brushing a few strands of hair off her cheek. I’m supposed to be the one doing that. “I’m going to sit in the truck. Don’t go far, okay?”
“I’m staying right here.”
Clay nods, throwing me a look of disgust before going around to the driver’s side. I don’t know what he’s so bent up about.
Emery and I each take a few steps until we find ourselves face to face. It’s strange being this close to her but not being able to touch her like I once did.
“You’re walking again,” she whispers just loud enough that I can hear her. Is that all she has to say?
“I’ve been going to physical therapy.”
“Oh, I thought they said you would never walk again.” She crosses her arms over her chest, but it’s anything but cold out today.
“That’s what they said,” I say, glancing to my right to see two heads of long blonde hair through my rearview window. Looking back at Emery, I say, “It looks like you’ve moved on. Is this the part where I’m supposed to offer you my congratulations?”
Her eyes gloss over almost immediately. I should feel guilty for talking to her like this, but anger is the only thing inside me right now. “What?” Her voice is shaky, full of emotion.
I want to hurt her. I want her to feel even a little of what I’m feeling right now. “The baby, Emery. Was Clay your backup plan? How many days did you wait before you hopped into his bed? One? Two?” The pain etched in her eyes and the quiver of her lower lip should be enough to stop me, but it just fuels my anger. “I guess it doesn’t matter because you were just another girl.”
A tear rolls down her cheek, but I still can’t stop. “Has he put a ring on your finger yet? Did you get yourselves a little house and a dog?” I stop, gripping my hair in my fingers. “God, I don’t know why I even care. Goodbye, Emery. Have a nice—whatever.”
I’m too much of a coward to look at the damage I’ve done before I walk away. I thought the things I said would help me feel better on some level, but they don’t. Now I just feel like a sad, angry asshole all over again.
“Drake!” I hear her footsteps as she walks up behind me, but I don’t bother turning around.
“If you think what we had meant so little to me that I went and screwed someone right after you told me to fuck off, you’re wrong. Even if you didn’t love me, I loved you. You meant so much to me that I was willing to change my whole idea of forever to be with you. You’re an idiot, Drake Chambers.”
Looking up to the darkening sky, I say, “I never pretended to be anything more.”
“Yeah, well I guess I was wrong about you, too,” she cries, raising her voice.
I quickly walk to my car. I need to get the fuck out of here and away from her. When my hand grips the warm metal handle, I hear her voice again. “The baby isn’t Clay’s. The baby is yours, Drake. Yours and mine.”
My whole body f
reezes in place as her words play over and over in my head. The baby growing inside of her is ours. She could be lying to me, but I know Emery White better than that. She’s not that type of girl, and that’s one of the reasons I was so drawn to her in the first place. She’s the most real thing I’ve ever known.
When I finally get the courage to face her, she’s climbing into Clay’s truck. She’s not going to wait to see my reaction, and after everything I just said to her, she probably doesn’t care.
It’s not until I’m in my car, pulling my seatbelt on, that it hits me. Not only did Emery tell me she’s carrying our baby, but she also admitted for the first time that she loves me. I didn’t say it back, but the overwhelming burn in my chest tells me I love her, too. If I didn’t, this wouldn’t hurt so much.
And if today taught me anything, it’s that she really does deserve someone better than me.
“WAS THAT HIM?” Clay asks as soon as he puts his truck in drive.
Tears blur my eyes, but not enough to miss the tension in his jaw. He doesn’t need to explain the him to me. “Yes,” I whisper.
“What happened out there, Emery? What the fuck did he want after all this time?”
Pinching my eyes closed, I shake my head. The tears fall fast, and I don’t have the energy to hold them back. “Just take me home, Clay. I need to go home.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him fuming. He only knows one side of the story, though. Actually, he doesn’t even know that … he thinks I came home because I got pregnant. He doesn’t know what Drake said to me. He doesn’t know that, until today, Drake wasn’t aware that we were having a baby.
And now that he found out, I wish I had done it differently. I wish I would’ve told him sooner so we could have avoided today. It doesn’t matter that I tried … I should have tried even harder. I should’ve made him listen to me.
When the truck comes to a stop on the highway, I feel his hand lightly squeeze my knee. I’ve been so lost in my own world, replaying the last couple hours in my head, I’d almost forgotten I wasn’t the only one here. “Emery,” he says quietly, never taking his hand off me. “For what it’s worth, I’m here for you. Always have been and always will be.”