sequence!"
"Sometimes I didn't have time to write."
Mason tried to hide his disgust. How did men like Kennedy get intopositions they weren't fitted for? The ass! Couldn't he see this manwas suffering? Mason said, "Why not reserve comment until you'vefinished, Mr. Kennedy?"
Kennedy's eyes widened at the sharp tone of Mason's voice. Really.When residents start dictating to Examiners--Kennedy saw the stiffnessin Mason's face. And something more. He went quickly back to hisreading:
_June 6, 1:00 p. m._
I talked some more with Murdo about this fool cruise. He got wind ofour destination--wherever it is--from some rich idiot in Paris. And Idon't use _idiot_ figuratively. His informant was in some kind of aprivate nut house--an exclusive insane asylum of idiots with lots ofmoney--and he had lucid intervals. At one of these times he told Murdowhere he'd been and what had happened. I don't think Murdo believesall of it but he wants to see for himself. Well, if he wants to spendhis money chasing meteorites it's his business.
Keebler got drunk as a goat. Strapped him in his bunk and left himthere. Murdo spent a few hours explaining guns to Mrs. Keebler. Ithink he enjoys the look of wonder on her face. Makes him feel verysuperior knowledgewise. Her face is just built that way and so far asshe's concerned he could be talking Greek. He thinks she's verybeautiful. I wonder if he ever saw Melody's picture?
Course 36.829 by the Orion angle. All clear.
_June 9th, 1:00 a. m._
Course 36.841 by the Orion angle. Small asteroids.
Jane Kelvey is bored and has started taking it out on me. When Ipassed her door it was open. She was taking a sponge bath, stark nakedin the middle of the cabin. She turned around to face me and did avery bad job of acting flustered, trying to cover herself up with asmall sponge! How crude can a female get? She was hoping I'd come in.If I had it would have been to slap her face. I got away as fast as Icould.
_June 10th, 7 p. m._
Course 41.864 by the Orion angle. Brushed a small asteroid.
I've been noting the time wrong. It should be figured on atwenty-four-hour cycle. Midnight to midnight, the hell with it.
Had a fight with Murdo. He wanted to take over the ship. His wordswere, "Let's get some speed out of this slop bucket." I reminded him Iwas Captain. He reminded me he was footing the bills. I asked him howhe would like to be locked in his cabin for the remainder of thecruise? He didn't say, but I guess he wouldn't have liked it becausehe quieted down. Keebler has been quietly drunk for the last two days.Lucky Keebler.
_June 13th, 18 hours._
Course 26.932 by the Virgo angle. Went four degrees off course toavoid small planetoid.
Jane Kelvey came to my cabin an hour ago. The rest were asleep. Shewore a blue dressing gown with nothing under it. I want to set downwhat happened in case there's ever a kickback although I don't thinkthere ever will be.
I was sitting in a chair and she came up behind me and it was veryunfortunate because I saw the blue dressing gown first. By sheerchance it was almost exactly like the one Melody wore that firstnight. I was thinking of Melody. Melody was all around me and insideme. In my mind, in my heart, in all my aching regrets.
So when that dressing gown brushed me, something electric happenedinside and I got up and took Jane Kelvey in my arms. It wasn't morethan three or four seconds but in that time the gown had been brushedaside. Then I came to my senses and pushed her away.
The dressing gown stayed parted. She stepped back, confused. She said,"What's the matter? Are you scared?"
"I'm disgusted. Button your gown. Get out of here!"
"What are you? Not one of those noble creatures I hope--who wouldn'ttouch a man's wife."
"I said get out! I wouldn't touch you regardless."
"But you just did."
"It was a mistake. I--"
"Look--I'm a woman. You're a man--I think. We're alone in space andlife is short. Let's have fun and then forget about it."
I slapped her across the mouth. A skipper can be jailed for life forstriking a passenger. Even with cause. But I slapped her and I'msetting it down in the log....
* * * * *
Kennedy looked up from his reading. "Jane Kelvey--she is the deadone?"
Mason nodded.
Kennedy looked at Holloway with marked severity. "Are you sure youonly slapped her?"
Mason exploded. "Good God, man. Did you see the body? You're notimplying he did that to her, are you?"
"I'm not implying anything," Kennedy said within a restrained grimnessthat infuriated Mason.
"Why don't you finish the log before you start passing judgment?"
Kennedy leafed through the pages. "I--wait a minute! This log doesn'tcover the whole cruise! It breaks off in the middle of a sentence!"
"Read what's there, man! Read what's there."
"Very serious--very serious," Kennedy muttered. "Not completing a log.No license should have been issued this man. Lax! Very lax." He satback to make himself more comfortable and prepared to go on with hisreading.
_June 30th--3 hours_
Course 29.341 by the Virgo angle. I think that's the course. Theinstruments are acting funny. In fact a lot of things seem to bewrong. Some of the constellations aren't in the right places anymore.
I began noticing these things a couple of days ago and spoke to Murdo.I suggested we turn back. I told him it was my duty as a skipper tolook out for the welfare of my passengers. And that included notcontinuing if vital instruments showed signs of failure.
He sneered at me and said, "I thought you were a big game hunter,Holloway?"
I told him I'd hunted big game--yes.
"It doesn't sound like it. You sound like a timid old woman. So you'vemade some miscalculations. The course is still right. It's on theflight pattern in the automatic control board and I know it's correctbecause I gave it to you."
"But if instruments fail nothing stays right."
"Okay--you're the skipper. If you've turned yellow and want to showyour tail I guess there's nothing I can do about it."
He almost got his jaw broken, but I was able to hold myself. Then,suddenly, I didn't care. I didn't care whether Murdo stayed alive orgot killed. As to the others--they'd come on the cruise with theireyes open. They deserved whatever they got. And I certainly didn'tgive a damn about myself. Guess I wasn't cut out to skipper a ship. Askipper should care. That's all he _should_ do. Just care. I'd ratherdream about Melody.
I don't know what the date is. The chronometer stopped so I don't evenknow what time it is. But what does it matter about the time if youdon't even know what day it is? We just go on and on.
Murdo--I can't figure out. Windbag or not--braggart or no--he has aniron will. I think he's scared but he won't admit it. And somestubborn streak inside him won't let him turn tail and run. He hideshis fear behind long accounts of his hunting trips. He describes thevicious animals he's killed. He bores us with accounts of his skill asa great hunter.
The rest listen because they have to. I go to my cabin and rememberMelody.
The rest are scared too, but they're too scared of Murdo to let himknow it. That's an odd one. Scared for your life but afraid to tellthe big man because he might kill you. Would Murdo kill in a fit ofrage? I don't know.
Keebler stays drunk so none of it bothers him. Keebler's wife, Ithink, is in love with Murdo but it's a kind of little-girl love. Shenever quite grew up. Kelvey glues himself to Murdo and sticks like aplaster. He seems to consider Murdo a haven, as though Murdo's bulkwill make everything all right.
Jane Kelvey hasn't quit making passes at me but they're half-hearted.She bothers me. I'm uneasy when she's around. I get the feeling thatany minute she might drop to her knees and beg. What do you do with awoman on her knees before you, begging? Maybe before long her husbandwill look good to her. Maybe she'll be able to get him away fromMurdo's side for a while.
I look at both these women and realize what I lost. Melody.
* * *
* *
Jane Kelvey came to my cabin. It's hit her that things aren't right.She's scared. She asked, "Why did you tell Murdo you wanted to turnback?"
"Because I thought we'd come too far."
"Do you still think so?"
"Everything will be all right."
"The instruments--are they working again?"
I lied to her. "They're working."
"Do you think it's really as Murdo says--that there are animals out inspace?"
"I don't know."
She looked wan and forlorn and I was sorry for her. She