Chapter VIII
"Every instant of time is a pinprick of eternity." - Marcus Aurelius
I felt and heard an impact on my head and all went black. I think I awoke briefly, hours later and I recall the look of the trees in the sunshine. It seemed very bright. I thought I could see Marcus’ face, and then the world went black again.
All that comes back to me now are a few islands of memory spread over a long time. There is a momentary flash of Junius and some other legionaries. Then I remember being lifted and I remember lying on my back on something soft, and movement up and down. Then the roof of a tent.
However much I puzzle over the period in between these visions I cannot bring the gaps back into my consciousness. It is as if I had ceased to exist in between those moments in time. It causes me irritation still to think of the time I lost. It is all gone. I remembered everything up to being hit on the head, even the look of the green grass onto which I fell but the black missing time is not there. Lost memories are common after head wounds and although my physician told me not to worry about it, I still puzzle over those gaps in time.
My next sensible memory was sitting in the back of a wagon. I kept slipping to the left and felt there was nothing holding me up but I could not raise myself. I heard a low-pitched voice speaking Greek.
'He's slipped over again. Can't you drive a bit slower? I'm having to pick the bugger up every two seconds.'
'We won't get there at all if we dawdle. It won't make much difference to this one anyway. He won't survive long with a wound like that. Trust me I've seen it before.'
'If you didn’t think he’d make it what are you taking us all this way for?'
'General's orders, money too mind. It seems this chap is a bit of a hero. Helped lead a charge against the Armenian cavalry and that won the battle. General wanted to reward the bugger but he was injured. So he paid for him to go to Sinope in the hope that he'll recover. Bit overoptimistic in my opinion'
'I thought it was that Decurion fellow threatening you that made you take him.'
'No, he was just threatening me if his mate here didn't arrive in Sinope. Said he has friends there and we're to take him to the house of some Greek chap. Poly something. I told him his mate wouldn't survive and the fellow nearly hit me.'
'Can you stop a minute anyway? He's wet himself again; I'll need to clean him up.'
'Look, I can't stop every time he does that. You orderlies think you're bloody surgeons.'
'Stop, will you? If he has sores all over him he really won't live.'
'All right, but only for a minute.'
I remember being dragged or lifted out and placed on the roadside. I lifted my right arm and managed to speak.
'Where am I?'
'What?' the Orderly said.
'Where am I?'
'Half way to Sinope old chap. You got a nasty head wound and nearly died. We're taking you by wagon, General's orders. About three more weeks of this and you'll be there.'
'Here! Larax. He's speaking.'
'So?'
'Well I just thought you'd want to know that's all.'
'Who cares? Get on with it; I want to get this over and done with as soon as possible.'
'You're a bloody, grumpy, Scythian bastard.'
'You what?'
'Look, let's not fall out. You won't get paid unless I sign the chitty when we get there, so you'd better behave. You hear me?'
I heard all this but felt oddly dissociated from myself, almost as if I was standing nearby and overhearing a conversation about someone else. What had happened to me to make me feel so vague? I was bundled back into the wagon and slept again I think.
I remember the journey only in patches. I came to a rather sudden and frightening conclusion. Why it took me so long to fathom it is still a mystery to me. I was unable to move my left arm and leg. I became aware of the problem when my Orderly asked me if I could feel him pinching my leg.
‘Ouch! Of course I can.’
‘Can you move it?’
‘Yes,’ I said, vaguely as if it was obvious but lifting my right arm.
‘Move it for me then Aulus,’ he said.
It was a silly conversation in retrospect for the limbs did not move. In one sense, I was unaware of them. Yes, I understood that they were mine and I could feel pain and touch but it seemed to mean nothing to me. It was a loss of integrity. I could not recognise that there was a left side.
It was then that I discovered yet another disaster. The amulet was gone. I felt for the silver wire on the little green gemstone and it was not there. I panicked. I cross-questioned the Orderly; I fretted and kept feeling for it. I felt lost without it and felt empty, as if some large measure of myself had been contained within it.
It had been the last physical connection with my dead family and now it was gone. It could have disappeared at any time since the battle, I knew that, but who would take it? It was not visible under the neck of my tunic. A thought dawned on me then. What if it was not the enemy who had attacked me and left me for dead? What if it was Marcus, biding his time until he could get it. It made sense. What was Bassus doing there anyway if Marcus was somewhere else?
Attacking me from behind would be exactly what I would have expected from him. Now I was left crippled and had no possible way of either finding out the truth or of getting vengeance.
The Orderly, whose name was Lucius, was very kind to me once he realised that I was not going to die immediately. He cared for me in ways that I found profoundly embarrassing. It was degrading. He attended to me when I needed to pass water and he cleaned me when I opened my bowels. He fed me. I found eating was a trial for often the food slipped from my mouth and soiled my tunic. It seemed hard to keep it in. Liquids also seemed to slip from the corner of my mouth on the left side.
The loss of dignity was the hardest part. As a young soldier, good looking and strong, I had never thought that anything could reduce me to this broken shell of a man.
My mood plummeted. I wished someone would come and put me out of my misery and I bitterly regretted having survived. Apart from Lucius, I had not a soul to speak to and I could do nothing for myself. Lucius moved my legs and arms around, to prevent stiffness, he said, but they seemed quite stiff anyway.
I had gone from being a vigorous fit young man to what I felt was a slobbering wreck. I had no knowledge of how or why it had happened; I only knew there was an injury to the right side of my head. I felt hopeless and alone. It was far worse than being alone in the Subura. At least then, I had control of my body. I had some hope then. I had none now. I cried and had fits of temper.
‘Look, Aulus, it doesn’t look like you're going to die. It’s a month since the battle and you’re still here. You’ll have to make the most of it, that’s all.’
Lucius was a man of middle years, small, wrinkled and patient. He had to be patient for I was cantankerous, troublesome and angry. Angry with myself, angry with him and most of all, angry at a world that was cruel enough to cripple me and leave me intact enough to understand.
‘All I’m fit for now is begging. I can’t even wipe my own arse!’
‘Listen my lad, whatever you were before, you are someone different now and you have to accept it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!’
‘Accept it? Never!’
‘If you can’t accept it fight it! I once had a patient just like you and he managed to get walking in the end. If you sacrifice regularly and pray, the Gods may hear you and help.’
‘I will walk again! I will!’ I screamed, ‘You’ll see. I will.’ Tears came then. I must have been pathetic in my self-pity.
‘Then do it,’ he said.
I realised then that his goading was intended to make me fight and I knew deep inside he was right. I had trained and learned how to fight others and kill men but I had never fought with myself. I realised that my greatest battle now lay ahead. It was not with corsairs or Armenians, but with my own bitterness and disappointment.
Altho
ugh Lucius was only an Orderly and no physician, he understood the human mind. He nagged, he taunted he cajoled. He drove me to distraction and exasperated with my lack of success I obeyed him. He knew I was strong and fit before the injury and took advantage of this by exercising my good right arm and leg.
When we stopped, he would support my weak side and walk me along the road. At night, he gave me exercises to do with my arm and leg. He made me hold my sword and try to practise.
It was on one of those occasions when I was sitting upright, gladius in hand practicing slices and cuts, that it happened. My leg twitched. I felt it. I looked but it did not happen again.
‘Lucius!’ I all but screamed, ‘I moved my leg!’
‘Very well let’s see you do it again.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Aulus, can’t means won’t in this life. Haven’t you learned that yet? Keep trying, you'll get there!’
We had only two weeks before we reached Sinope and I guessed that we would head for the house of Polymecles. I spent all my time in the wagon trying desperately to move my leg again. It began to happen more regularly. Over the next week, I had the return of even some foot movement. I could not stand but the strength was returning at a speed which I felt was slow but Lucius felt was remarkably fast.
On the day I moved my thumb we drank wine. As we approached Sinope, my mood was better for I at last had hope. It had been seven weeks or more since my injury and I could stand for a few moments and could voluntarily move my thumb.
As we neared the gates, a sense of unease took me. I thought of Hypsicratea. It was the first time I had done so for a long time and I knew that I could never send word to her. When I left Sinope, I was a young soldier, proud and strong. I returned a cripple and I could not imagine that she could love such a man, if indeed she had really loved me at all. "What could be worse than a crippled soldier?" I thought to myself as we entered the gates of the city.
Sinope had not changed, unless it was happier. This time when I entered there were smiles, laughter, and children playing in the streets. It was as if some natural resilience had brought back the old Sinope, the one we Romans had brought to its knees, by siege. It seemed as if beneath the superficial facade of the place there lurked a natural optimism which could only be suppressed for a time and then had to emerge, hatch out. I could recognise it in the music from the bazaars, from the smiles of young girls and the vendors plying their wares in the streets. The spirits of great cities do not die they merely sleep and wait for a time of reawakening.
Polymecles greeted me like a long lost son. I was helped from the back of the wagon and he ran to me and almost dragged me to the ground as he embraced me. I had never realised that he really did mean much of what he had said to Junius and me when the Legion had billeted us with him. I had thought it was all meaningless verbiage. I was wrong.
‘Master Aulus,’ he waved his arms around my head as he spoke, ‘You have returned. It brings great joy to my old eyes to see you again. You once saved my life when an evil bowman struck me down and I will repay you!
‘I will send for doctors and people to care for you. You will stay here with me until you are fit and well, noble conqueror of Armenia. You must tell me all about the great battles and how you conquered Tigranes the Great!’
‘Polymecles, slow down my friend. I cannot walk but I think I am getting better. I need time more than anything else. I had no idea you felt so strongly about us.’
‘Of course I feel strongly. You and Master Junius saved my life that night and I will repay you. You are great men and it is an honour to be able to help you in any way.’
The little half-Greek had tears in his eyes and I was surprised to find that he was actually sincere.
Polymecles was as good as his word. He did arrange for a Greek doctor to visit but there was little doctoring to do.
‘You have sustained serious damage to the brain. It will turn out as the Gods wish it. There is no treatment that is known to medicine that can influence the outcome,’ the doctor said. He was a tall, thin, angular, bald man who seemed to look down his nose at me.
‘But there is a chance? I will walk again?’
‘Who can tell about these things? There is an oracle at Pergamum and you may learn there what the future holds. I have prescribed a medicine, which has been known to be useful in such cases. It only works soon after the injury, but it is worth a try.’
‘Doctor, whatever you say, I will walk, I will use my hand again.’
The doctor did not reply. He turned and walked briskly to the door and I heard him say to Polymecles, ‘I am afraid it is hopeless. The brain is damaged and such injury is permanent.’
I practised what movement I had, every day and all the waking hours. I ate well and with help began to walk. I refused to give up. I had not died and I would fight. There is something in a man that even when all comes out against him will push him to fight. A gladiator in the arena facing that last blow that will finish him off, will still raise his hands to fend off the approaching blade. It was this last will to struggle and win that pushed me on.
Three months after the battle I could walk. I limped and carried my left arm flexed against my chest, but I was walking.
Polymecles asked if there was anyone in the city I wished to contact.
‘Perhaps the military commander will arrange for you to travel to your home in magnificent Rome. There must be doctors there and perhaps a chance of complete cure?’
‘No there is no one to contact. I suppose Junius is still with the army near Tigranocerta and there is no one from my legion here.’
I though of Hypsicratea. I wished I could see her again, even from a distance but I knew I could not. It was my pride that stopped me. We had been friends until that last night of love, when I was strong and whole. It made no sense to contact her as a cripple. I was sure she would not want me and I certainly did not want her to see me like this.
‘No, Polymecles, there is no one.’
I began to go for walks. Polymecles always accompanied me. We went first for short walks in the square outside his house. I required no support and my gait gradually improved, as did my finger movement. The only pain I had was from my left shoulder, which had become stiff with the lack of movement. In between walks, I persuaded my friend Polymecles to get me a small shield. It was made of bronze and I could not lift it at all at first. With a month’s practise, I began to be able to lift it and then move it around weakly but purposefully. I began to realise that if I were to recover, it would be a huge task. I had nothing better to do and that spurred me on to practise with sword and shield, hobbling around the courtyard.
I often looked at what I was doing in the courtyard of the house of the little half-Greek landlord and smiled. I knew I was slow, weak, and clumsy and could not even have defended myself against Julius, the boy I grew up with, all those years before. I was making progress however. I could feed myself and bathe. The bathing was one pleasure that made me feel human again. The steam loosened my tight muscles and swimming in the caldarium improved my balance and strength.
I was walking home from the baths alone. It was morning, I had been shaved, and I had exercised and swum in the Roman baths.
‘Aulus, is it you?’ It was a female voice. The accent was thick and local but I understood the Greek easily.
‘Aripele! How are you? It is such a long time. You look as if life is treating you well.’
‘Yes, life has been kind to me and a nobleman has decided to look after me. I no longer work in the streets. I have a slave and a small house, well, part of a house. But tell me of Junius. How is he? He said he would write to me but he never did. I thought he might be dead, but I think I would feel that, if it were true. If he came back, I would give up all that I have to be with him. Please say he is well.’
‘Last time I saw him he was indeed well. I have not been with the army for almost six months. I was injured you see. They sent me here thinking I would be able to make a lif
e here, for I have no one in Rome.’
‘Oh,’ she said, looking forlorn.
‘Maybe the Ninth will come back. Maybe that’s why they sent me here. He may have had trouble finding someone to write for him.’
‘No I don’t think so. I wish I could see him again. My heart is heavy without him.’
‘I did not realise that you two were so close. I thought it was only a business arrangement.’
Her eyes flashed at me then but she said nothing. She did not need to reply, for I had clearly underestimated another friendship. I felt stupid and clumsy now.
‘Please forgive me Aripele. There is so much that has escaped me in the past. Things I did not understand and things that I thought I understood and didn’t.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Just that there are people in my life who surprise me by being better and kinder to me than I ever imagined I deserved.’
‘How is the Queen? I remember that you and she had a friendship.’
‘I, err…’ I stumbled over the right reply, ‘I haven’t seen her. I have been too ill and I am sure she is too busy to bother with crippled soldiers.’
A hint of bitterness was creeping into my thoughts, but I knew I was right. I stared fixedly at the ground. Aripele did not notice or did not acknowledge it.
‘You don’t look crippled to me. Perhaps we could do business. It might remind me of Junius. I would not charge very much.’
‘No, I don’t think Junius would like that if the legion comes back.’
‘No perhaps not. Pity, you are a handsome man, like my Junius, a little small by comparison…’
‘Enough! We could perhaps dine together though. Polymecles has been very kind to me since I returned.’
‘He is a strange little man. He missed you both, when you left and he and I shared our grief. He swears you saved his life even though everyone knows it was the smallest of wounds!’
She laughed then and the little wrinkles that appeared at the corners of her eyes made her look impish.
‘Perhaps we can dine tonight?’
‘Not tonight, my nobleman is coming to see me. Tomorrow evening if you wish.’
‘I'll tell Polymecles to prepare a real celebration.'
As I walked away, limping only slightly I reached for the amulet around my neck and realised it was gone. I had pangs of grief. I felt naked without it. I had lost the last vestige of my family. A million thoughts of home and family injected by my fingers into the little green stone and all gone. I felt a lump in my throat and felt my raised hand clench. Everything had gone again and I was not even whole.