And on the way to their suite he distinctly overheard one lady say to another in passing, “Who’s the new barman? Never seen him on this run before…”
The Roberta E. Biscuit plowed on into the night, the water leaving a temporary white trail behind her ample stern. One ox had been led into the stable in the scuppers, leaving the other one to maintain some sensible headway while the pleasure cruise paddled toward the morning. Everyone except the pilot and the lookout was sleeping, drunk or otherwise prone. The barman was nowhere to be seen; barmen come and go, after all—whoever notices the barman? And in the corridor of staterooms a figure waited in the shadows, listening. It listened for whispers, creaks and snores building up.
There was a snore, oh yes! The shadow drifted along the dark corridor, the occasional betraying creak lost among the symphony of sounds made by any wooden boat under way. There was a door. There was a lock. There was a gentle exploration; being the kind that portrays cunning and strength rather than actually having them. There was a lockpick, a delicate movement of hinges, and the same movement again as the door was gently pushed shut from the inside. There was a smile so unpleasant that it could almost be seen in the dark, especially by the dark-assisted eye, and so there was a scream, instantly cut short—
“Let me tell you how this is going to be,” said Sam Vimes, as urgent sounds suddenly filled the corridor. He leaned over the body spreadeagled on the floor. “You will be humanely handcuffed for the rest of this voyage, and you will be watched carefully by my valet Willikins, who, apart from making a really good cocktail, is also not burdened by being a policeman.” He squeezed a little harder and went on in a conversational tone, “Every now and again I have to sack a decent copper for police brutality, and I do sack them, you may be sure of that, for doing what the average member of the public might do if they were brave enough and if they had seen the dying child, or the remains of the old woman. They would do it to restore in their mind the balance of terror.” Vimes squeezed again. “Often the law treats them gently, if it worries about them at all, but a copper, now, he’s a lawman—certainly if he works for me—and that means his job stops at the arrest, Mr. Stratford. So what’s stopping me from squeezing the life out of a murderer who has broken into the room he thought would hold my little boy, with, oh dear me, such a lot of little knives? Why will I squeeze him only to unconsciousness, while despising myself for every fragment of breath I begrudge him? I’ll tell you, mister, that what stands between you and sudden death right now is the law you don’t acknowledge. And now I’m going to let you go, just in case you die on me, and I couldn’t have that. However, I suggest you don’t try and make a run for it, because Willikins is not bound by the same covenant as I am, and he is also quite merciless and very fond of Young Sam, who’s sleeping with his mother, I’m glad to say. Understand? You picked the single room, didn’t you, where the little boy would be. It’s lucky for you that I’m a bastard, Mr. Stratford, because if you’d broken into the stateroom, where my wife, although I never dare tell her so, is snoring at least as loud as any man, you would have found that she has at her command a considerable amount of weaponry and, knowing the temper of the Ramkins, she would have quite probably done things to you that would make Willikins say ‘Whoa, that’s going a bit too far.’ What they have they keep, Mr. Stratford.”
Vimes momentarily changed his grip. “And you must think I’m a bloody fool. Some bloke they reckoned was a great thinker once said, ‘Know yourself.’ Well, I know myself, Mr. Stratford, I’m ashamed to say, right down to the depths, and because of that I know you, like I know my own face in the shaving mirror. You’re just a bully who found it easier and easier and decided that everybody else wasn’t really a real person, not like you, and when you know that, there’s no crime too big, is there? No crime you won’t do. You might reflect that, while you’re going to hang, I’m quite certain that Lord Rust, your boss, will in all probability walk free. Did you really think he’d protect you?”
The prostrate Stratford mumbled something.
“Sorry, sir, didn’t quite catch that?”
“King’s evidence!” Stratford blurted out.
Vimes shook his head, even if Stratford couldn’t see it. “Mr. Stratford, you’re going to hang, whatever you say. I’m not going to bargain with you. You must surely realize that you have nothing to bargain with. It’s that simple.”
On the floor Stratford growled, “Damn him! I’ll tell you anyway! I hate the smarmy bugger! What do you want me to say?”
It was a good job that he couldn’t see Vimes’s face, and Vimes merely said, “However, I’m sure that Lord Vetinari will be very happy to hear anything that you have to say, sir. He’s of a mercurial nature and I’m sure there is hanging or hanging.”
Slumped on the floor and wheezing, Stratford said, “Everyone had that bloody cocktail, I saw them! You had three, and everybody says you’re a lush!”
There was laughter as the door came open, letting in a little light. “His grace had what you might call the Virgin Sam Vimes,” said Willikins, “no offense meant to the commander: ginger and chilli, a dash of cucumber juice and a lot of coconut milk.”
“And very tasty,” said Vimes. “Take him away, Willikins, will you, and if he tries anything you know what to do…you were born knowing what to do.”
For a moment Willikins touched his forelock and then said, “Thank you, commander, I appreciate the compliment.”
And Sam Vimes finished his holiday.
Of course it couldn’t be entirely fun, not with the clacks, not with people sending messages like, “I don’t want to bother you, but this will only take a moment of your time…”
A great many people didn’t want to bother Sam Vimes, but with a great effort of will they somehow managed to overcome their distaste and do so nevertheless. One of them, and this message did not contain an apology of any sort, came from Havelock, Lord Vetinari, and read, “We will talk about this.”
That morning Vimes hired a small boat with its captain and spent a happy time with Young Sam picking periwinkles off the rocks on one of the many small islands off the Quirm coast, and then they gathered driftwood, made a fire, and boiled them and ate them with the help of a pin, racing to be the first to get one wiggly morsel out of its shell, and of course there was brown bread and butter and finally plenty of salt and vinegar, so that the periwinkles tasted of salt and vinegar rather than of periwinkles, which would be a disaster.*
With the boys out of the way, Sybil changed the world in her own quiet way, by sitting at the table in their apartment and writing, in the neat cursive script that she had been taught as a girl, a large number of clacks messages. One of them was to the Director of the Royal Opera House of which her ladyship was a major patron, another was to Lord Vetinari, and three more went to the secretary of the Low King of the dwarfs, the secretary of Diamond King of Trolls and the secretary of Lady Margolotta of Uberwald, ruler of all that country that was above ground.
But it didn’t stop there. No sooner had the maid come back from carrying the first batch to the top of the hill than she was sent spinning up there again with all the rest. Lady Sybil was a ferocious writer of letters, and if there was any person of substance on the Plains and beyond who didn’t get a letter from Sybil that day, it was because their name had fallen out of her beautifully bound and obsessively updated little black book, which was, in fact, a delicate pink with tiny embroidered flowers on it, and a small phial of perfume. Nevertheless the only comparable weapon in the entire history of persuasion was probably the ballista.
In the afternoon Lady Sybil took tea with some of her girlfriends, all old girls from the Quirm College for Young Ladies, and had a very satisfactory time talking about other people’s children while silently, driven by messages sleeting across the land with a precision and speed that no wizard would have contemplated, the world began to change its mind.
Concurrently, Vimes took Young Sam to the zoo, where he met the keepers, nearly all of
whom had known somebody on the Wonderful Fanny and who opened every door to them, and nearly every cage. The curator himself came along to witness this cheerful six-year-old who was methodically weighing giraffe poo on a pair of ancient snuff scales, dissecting it with a couple of old kitchen knives, and making notes in a notebook with a picture of a goblin on the front. But for Sam Vimes a highlight was the elephant’s delivery that Young Sam had been looking forward to—just as the Vimes party approached, Jumbo obliged and his son was, almost literally, in a hog heaven. Not even the philatelist finding a rare reversed-head blue triangle stamp in an unregarded secondhand stamp collection could have been happier than Young Sam toddling away with his steaming bucket. Young Sam had seen the elephant.
And so had Sam Vimes. The curator had said that Young Sam was incredibly gifted, and seemed to have a natural grasp of the disciplines of natural philosophy, a comment that caused Sam’s father to nod wisely and hope for the best.
They rounded off the day with a visit to the funfair, where Vimes gave the man a dollar for the ride on the upsy-daisy machine and was given change for a quarter-dollar. When he objected the man swore at Vimes, lashed out and was surprised to be caught in a grip of steel, marched through a cheering crowd and handed over to the nearest Quirm copper, who saluted and asked if Vimes could sign his helmet. That was a small thing, but, as Vimes always said, behind small things you often find big things. He also won a coconut, a definite result, and Young Sam got a stick of rock candy with “Quirm” all the way through, which stuck his teeth together, another memorable occasion.
In the middle of the night Vimes, who had been listening to the pounding of the surf for some time, said, “Are you awake, dear?” And then, because this is how these things are done, raised his voice a little when he got no answer and repeated, “Are you awake, dear?”
“Yes, Sam. I am now.”
Vimes stared at the ceiling. “I wonder if it’s all going to work.”
“Of course it will! People are very enthusiastic about it, you know; they’re intrigued. And I’ve pulled more strings than an elephant’s corset. It will work. What about you?”
There was a gecko on the ceiling; you didn’t get them in Ankh-Morpork. It looked at Vimes with jeweled eyes. He said, “Well, it’ll be more or less a standard procedure.” He shifted uneasily, and the gecko retreated to the corner of the room. “I’m a bit worried, though, some things I’ve done come within the law and one or two others are rather ad hoc, as it were.”
“You were just opening a way for the law to flow in, Sam. The end justifies the means.”
“I’m afraid a lot of bad men have used that to justify bad things, dear.”
Under the covers Sybil’s hand reached out to touch his. “That’s no reason why one good man shouldn’t use it to justify a good thing. Don’t worry, Sam!”
Woman’s logic, Sam thought: everything is going to be all right because it ought to be all right. The trouble is, reality is never as simple as that and doesn’t allow for paperwork.
Vimes dozed comfortably for a while and then heard Sybil say, in a whisper, “He’s not going to escape, is he, Sam? You said he’s good with locks.”
“Well, they have damn good locks on the cells here in Quirm, there’s a guard watching him at all times and he’s going to be taken up to Ankh-Morpork on their hurry-up wagon under armed escort. I can’t imagine the circumstances that would allow him to escape. After all, the Quirm lads want to do this one by the numbers. I bet they’ll have shined up their armor until it looks like silver. They’ll want to impress me, you see? Don’t worry, I’m certain nothing will go wrong.”
They lay there, comfortable, and then Vimes said, “The curator of the zoo was very complimentary about Young Sam.”
Sleepily, Sybil murmured, “Perhaps he’ll be another Woolsthorpe, but maybe this time with the missing ingredient of common sense.”
“Well, I don’t know what he’s going to be,” said Sam Vimes, “but I do know he’ll be good at it.”
“Then he’ll be Sam Vimes,” said Sybil. “Let’s get some sleep.”
Next day the family went home, which is to say that Sybil and Young Sam went home to Ankh-Morpork on a fast coach, after a small hiatus which led to Young Sam’s growing collection being removed from inside the coach and strapped to the roof, while Sam Vimes took the Black-Eyed Susan back to the Hall, because there was still a matter of business to be concluded. Since he was a King of the River the pilot let him steer for part of the way, admittedly staring obsessively over his shoulder, just in case. And Vimes had fun, an infrequent event. It is a strange thing to find yourself doing something you have apparently always wanted to do, when in fact up until that moment you had never known that you had always wanted to do it, or even what it was, but Sam Vimes, for a moment upon the world, was a riverboat pilot and was as happy as a cat full of sixpences.
That night he lay alone in the vastness of Ramkin Hall—except, of course, for the hundred or so servants—turning the events of the previous week over and over in his head, and especially his own actions during them. Time and again he cross-examined himself mercilessly. Had he cheated? Not exactly. Had he misled? Not exactly. Had he acted as a policeman should? Well, now, that was the question, wasn’t it?
In the morning two young maids brought him his breakfast and Vimes was amused to see that they were accompanied by a footman as a chaperone. In a way he found that rather flattering. Then he went for a walk through the lovely countryside, listening to the liquid notes of the robin et cetera (he couldn’t remember the names of the others, but they were jolly good singers all the same).
And as he walked he was aware of eyes upon him from every cottage and field. One or two people came up to him, shook him frantically by the hand and ran away just as quickly, and it seemed to Vimes that the world was dragging around after him. Nervousness was so saturating the atmosphere that he felt that any time soon he should shout “BOO!” at the top of his voice.
But Vimes was merely waiting…Waiting for the evening.
The coaches started to arrive at Ankh-Morpork’s Opera House very early. This was going to be an important occasion: it was said that not only the Patrician would be there, but that he would be accompanied by Lady Margolotta, ruler of all Uberwald, plus the dwarf ambassador, and the black ruby viceroy of Diamond King of Trolls, who arrived in the city with almost as many courtiers, secretaries, bodyguards, chefs and advisors as had been brought by the ambassador from the dwarfs.
In an unsophisticated way, the people of Ankh-Morpork were very sophisticated and the streets buzzed more busily than usual. Something like this was important. Great matters of state would be settled over the canapés. The fate of millions and suchlike would be most likely decided by a quiet word in a corner somewhere and thereafter the world would be a slightly different place, you see if it isn’t.
Unless you had a gold-edged invitation to the Opera House that evening this was no occasion to be fashionably late, in case you were left fashionably standing fashionable at the back, craning unfashionably to see over the heads of other people.
Toward sunset Vimes lounged outside the lockup, happy to acknowledge the fraternal salute of the pilot of a small boat that sailed past. Then he strolled along the lane until he reached the pub and took a seat on the bench outside. He took out his snuffbox, looked at it for a moment and decided that on an occasion like this Sybil would have probably allowed him a cigar.
Through the smoke of the first luxurious pull he stared at the village green and most especially at that pillar of what seemed to be broken wickerwork. Somehow, soundlessly, it was speaking to him, calling to him, just as it had when he had first seen it. After a few more thoughtful puffs he wandered toward the pub door. Jiminy beamed at him from under the freshly painted sign of the Commander’s Arms, where he was enjoying the pint that the parsimonious publican drinks every day when cleaning the pipes. It’s old beer, obviously, but what’s beer but liquid bread, eh? And bread can’t d
o you no harm.
“You look a bit preoccupied, commander,” said the publican. “A mite pensive, as it were?”
Vimes nodded toward the tottering spire. “How important is that, my friend?”
The barman glanced at the stack as if he couldn’t care less. “Well, you know, it’s just a load of old wicker hurdles, that’s all. They just stack them there after the annual sheep fair so they don’t get in the way. A bit of a landmark, you might say, but not that much.”
“Oh,” said Vimes. He stared at the tower. Nothing really, then, but nevertheless it spoke to him.
Vimes stared at the heap for a while and then followed Jiminy into the bar.
“How much brandy do you have in here?”
“Not much call for it, but I’d say five or six bottles and a small barrel.” Jiminy stared intently at Vimes. Vimes knew Jiminy for what he was: nothing else but a man who knew enough to always be on the winning side.
Vimes puffed his cigar again. “Put two of them aside for me, will you? And you’d better make sure you’ve got good beer on tap, because pretty soon you’re going to have a lot of customers.”
He left the barman bustling as he went back outside and he continued to stare, his mind elsewhere, and in many places. Of course it’ll work, he told himself. They’ve all got watches and I know they’ll have synchronized them, even if they don’t know how to spell synchronize. It’s a shout like any other, and I’ve trained most of them and I reckon that they know that if somebody says to them, “Do you know who I am?” they know enough to say, “Yes, you’re nicked!” and he smiled inwardly when he thought that among the officers drafted in from the city were two trolls, two vampires, a werewolf and a dwarf. That’s what they probably call symbolic, he thought. He pulled out his own watch again, just as the early seekers of an evening pint began to appear. Right about…now.