“Why?” Diego asked suspiciously. Ariel was one of the best things to ever happen to him, and he didn’t want his mom to ruin it. What if she said something to embarrass him? Could he trust her not to?
“Because she’s your friend,” his mom replied. “That’s all.”
“I’ll think about it,” Diego said and went to his room. He lay in bed awhile, thinking about the things Vidas and Ariel had said. Even though he still felt angry with his mom, he wanted Ariel to come over. He wanted to be normal. He wanted to feel happy.
We can’t undo the past, he remembered Vidas saying. But we can make a new future.
“Cool,” Ariel responded the next day at school when Diego proposed coming over for Sunday lunch. “I finally get to meet your family.”
Her excitement made him even more nervous. As soon as he got home that afternoon, he started to clean up his room, plucking clothes off the floor and tossing junk into the closet. When his mom arrived home from work, he told her about Ariel coming on Sunday.
“Great!” His mom smiled wider than she had in weeks. “What would you like me to make for lunch?”
“I don’t know.” He hadn’t thought about that. “Something really good.”
She decided on Enchiladas Suizas, one of his favorite dishes, made with fresh cream, roasted tomatoes, and jalapeño peppers. Once again, she put the little clamshell soaps in the hall bathroom, ordered Eddie to collect his scattered toys, and asked Diego to vacuum the carpets.
He was glad she made a fuss. Like her, he wanted to make a good impression. And on Sunday, when she dressed up in one of her shimmery dresses and heels, he didn’t complain. He was too busy pacing in front of the living room window, waiting.
When Ariel arrived, his mom seemed impressed by her, chatting and listening intently to things Ariel said. To Diego’s relief, his mom didn’t say anything that embarrassed him. And Eddie liked her too, showing her his games and drawings.
After Ariel left, his mom remarked, “She seems like a very nice girl. I’m happy for you, mijo.” Her voice was earnest; clearly she meant it.
Maybe it would be possible for him to eventually forgive her. But there remained one person he could never forgive. How could he, after what he’d done to him?
On Thursday, he told Vidas about Ariel’s visit and how normal it had seemed. “It felt so good.”
“That’s great,” Vidas told him.
“Yeah,” Diego agreed. “But I’m scared it won’t last.”
“That’s normal too,” Vidas said with a slight smile.
Diego nodded and glanced at the carpet, thinking about the question that had been nagging at him. “And, um…what about Mac?”
“What about him?” Vidas asked.
Diego sat up in his chair. “Am I supposed to forgive him, too? I don’t think I can. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”
“That’s up to you,” Vidas said simply.
Diego clenched his fists and cracked his knuckles. “I wish I could confront him, the same as I did my mom.”
“Hmm…” Vidas leaned back in his chair and pursed his lips, thinking. “Have you ever heard of something called a guided visualization?”
“No. What’s that?”
“It’s sort of like…a daydream. You close your eyes and I talk you through a scenario while you imagine it. In this case, you’d confront Mac as though he were still alive.”
Diego glanced at the empty chair beside him and pictured Mac. His legs began to jiggle. “What would I say to him? It’s not like with my mom. He knew what he was doing.”
“Right. So, you’d tell him how you felt about it. And how you feel about him now. Anything you want to say. Everything you wish you’d said when he was alive.”
Diego shifted in his seat. The idea of facing Mac again filled him with doubt.
“How exactly would it work? Does he respond somehow? Is it like some sort of séance?”
“No, it’s nothing mystical. It’s a therapy technique that was helpful to me.”
Diego stared out the window, trying to decide: should he go through with it? Could he? As overwhelming as confronting his mom had been, this felt even more daunting, despite Mac being dead.
“Think about it,” Vidas suggested. “If you want to do it, just let me know.”
On his ride from the courthouse, Diego biked fast and hard, propelled by the thought of facing Mac again, even if it would be just a daydream.
CHAPTER 27
DURING THE DAYS THAT FOLLOWED, Diego kept turning over in his mind the guided visualization idea. The decision of whether to confront Mac might’ve been easier if Mac had been a stranger. But he was the closest thing Diego had experienced to a dad. He’d taught him to throw a football and ride a bike, bought him toys and clothes, given him medicine when he was sick, always made sure they had enough money….
“You think I should do it?” Diego asked Vidas the next time they met. “I mean the daydream thing.”
“I think it could help,” Vidas answered. “We can stop at any point if it gets too intense.”
Diego leaned back in his seat. “What do you mean too intense?”
“Well,” Vidas explained, “sometimes a visualization, like a dream, can be very powerful. It can seem real—like your shark dreams.”
Diego crossed his arms, recalling his nightmares. But they’d changed since he’d gone to face the shark. Maybe it was time to face Mac.
He uncrossed his arms. “Let’s just do it!”
“Are you sure?” Vidas asked.
“Yeah. I want to do it, get it over with.”
“Okay.” Vidas glanced at his watch and nodded. He got up and stepped to lower the window blinds.
“Why are you shutting them?” Diego asked apprehensively.
“To make it easier when you close your eyes. But I can leave them open if you prefer.”
“No. That’s okay.”
Vidas turned off the ceiling lamp and returned to his chair. Even though the room was darker, there was still enough light to see. He unplugged the phone and glanced down at Diego’s heels, which were bouncing like crazy on the carpet.
“Before we start,” Vidas said, “shake out your legs and arms.” He shook his own and Diego followed along. “Good. Now rest your feet on the floor. That’s better. Take a few deep breaths.”
Diego drew in a huge inhalation and then another, slowly calming down, one breath at a time.
“Excellent,” Vidas said softly. “Now close your eyes…move your jaw around…and let your face relax…. Let your whole body go limp….”
As Vidas spoke, Diego let his eyelids close and his neck and shoulders relax.
“Great,” Vidas continued. “Now envision a door in front of you. It can be any kind of door. You walk over and open it…. You find that it leads outside to a beautiful scene of fields and forests…. It’s a clear, sunny day. The air is crisp. And a path leads in front of you. You walk down it past fields of flowers…. Smell their fragrance. Listen to the birdsongs. The breeze brushes your face…. You’re at peace, relaxed and happy. You feel safe and at ease. With each step, notice that you’re more and more relaxed.”
Diego opened his mouth into a yawn. He was starting to feel sleepy.
“Now imagine that you come to a calm stream,” Vidas continued. “It’s about ten feet wide and too deep to cross—kind of like a moat. You’re in a place where you feel secure and safe. Nothing can hurt you. You look across to the other side and see someone. As the image comes into focus, you realize that the person is Mac.”
Diego’s neck instantly grew tense. He pictured Mac: Tall. Strong. And that smile…Even though Diego had torn his face out of every photo, he recalled that smile perfectly: wanting him, needing him. Even now in his mind, Mac seemed real—and powerful, with a power over him that Diego couldn’t explain.
“Without opening your eyes,” Vidas instructed, “tell me how you feel.”
“Nervous,” Diego said, wiping his sweaty palms acros
s his jean legs. He could smell Mac’s scent as if he were pressing against him. Smoked cigarettes, Old Spice, whiskey…
“Remember that you’re safely across the stream,” Vidas reassured him. “We can stop—”
“Is it okay,” Diego interrupted, “if the shark is there?”
“What do you mean?” Vidas asked.
“In the moat,” Diego explained, keeping his eyes closed. “The shark is there, swimming back and forth.” Its fin was cutting across the water. “I know you didn’t mention it, but it’s there.”
Vidas was quiet a moment before responding, “How do you feel about it?”
“Um, okay. It feels like it’s protecting me, keeping Mac away.”
“Okay,” Vidas replied. “That sounds good. When you’re ready, return your attention to Mac…. He has a message for you. Take your time and imagine it. What does he say to you?”
In his mind, Diego gazed across the stream. Mac waved for him to come over. Diego’s pulse sped up.
“He wants me…,” Diego said guardedly, “to come over to him.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t want to,” Diego said, his fists curling. “I’m not going to. I won’t!”
“You don’t have to,” Vidas assured him. “You can stay where you are, safe.”
“He keeps waving to me and telling me to come with him. It’s like he’s pulling at me.”
“Well, he can’t reach you where you are,” Vidas said. “Is there anything else he says to you?”
“No.”
“Okay. Now think about what you want to tell him. What do you want to say to him?”
Diego shifted in his seat, a swirl of emotions stirring inside him. “That he shouldn’t have done the things he did to me.”
“Can you tell him that?” Vidas asked.
“I don’t know.” Diego’s voice wavered. Even though he knew this was all taking place in his mind, Mac felt so real, so convincing.
“I believe you can tell him,” Vidas said. “Tell him how you feel about the things he did—out loud if you want.”
Diego gripped the chair arms and took a breath. “You shouldn’t have done that to me,” he said aloud in a tentative tone. “You knew it. That’s why you told me to keep it secret.” He wanted to say a lot more, but he faltered as Mac’s smile faded, his steel gray eyes turning angry.
“What does Mac say to that?” Vidas asked.
Diego heard Mac’s voice as clear as if he were in the room alive again. “He says I liked it.” Diego swallowed hard. “But I didn’t like it. I only did it because he made me. I hated it.”
“Tell him that,” Vidas said calmly. “Tell him what you really want to say. He can’t hurt you now.”
Diego gathered his strength. In a low and deliberate whisper, he told Mac, “I hate you! You shouldn’t have done that. You knew you shouldn’t.” His voice grew louder. “Why did you do it? I hate you!”
“Good,” Vidas commended him. “How do you feel now?”
Diego thought for a moment. “Hopeless. Even though he’s across the moat, I can feel him pulling at me. He’s shaking his head, telling me that I’m his boy, and I’ll always belong to him. He’s never going to let me get away. No matter how hard I try. He won’t let me.”
Vidas was quiet a moment, as if pondering. “Ask Mac if he knows he’s dead.”
Even though it seemed an odd question, in his mind Diego asked it. And as Mac responded, Diego felt a chill creep over the room.
“He says yes, he knows he’s dead. And he wants me with him.”
Diego felt himself tumbling toward despair.
“This is bullshit!” He opened his eyes to make sure Mac wasn’t really there. “You’re messing with my mind,” he told Vidas.
“Take a breath,” Vidas said calmly. “We can stop if you want. Tell me what happened.”
“It’s like I can feel him, like he’s real, even though I know he’s not.”
“That’s the point,” Vidas replied. “To make him real enough for you to say what you need to say to him.”
“All right. So, I said it.”
Vidas nodded with a look of Yes, but… “I’d like to try one more thing. If it’s too uncomfortable, we can stop again. Okay?”
Diego didn’t want to face Mac again. But he also didn’t want to feel that he’d let Mac win. He let out a reluctant sigh. “Okay.”
“Close your eyes again,” Vidas said gently. “Relax…. Breathe in and out…. Now go back to the scene by the stream…. Imagine I’m on the stream bank with you.”
The image of Vidas relieved Diego, but made him a little wary also, as he gazed across the stream and saw Mac’s expression grow angrier.
“Introduce me to Mac,” Vidas continued. “Tell him I’m there to help both of you.”
In his mind, Diego repeated Vidas’s words and heard Mac’s cold response. “He says I shouldn’t listen to you.”
“I want to talk to him directly,” Vidas said, undeterred. “Tell me what he says, okay?”
Diego nodded silently, his breath coming quick and anxious.
“You don’t need Diego,” Vidas said, as if actually speaking to Mac. “You need to let go of him. You’re making him want to die.”
As Diego heard the words, tears welled up in his eyes. And as he listened to Mac’s response, he felt Mac pulling at him even stronger. “He says he wants me to die, so he can keep me forever.” Diego began to sob. “I don’t think I can stop him.”
“Yes, you can,” Vidas said, his voice resolute. “I want you to picture me holding a ball of light. Okay? A ball of bright warm light…Now imagine me on the same side of the stream as Mac…. I give him the light and say, ‘This is for you.’ What does he do?”
Diego pictured the scene, his tears subsiding a little. “He says he doesn’t want it. He says for you to get away from him…but he keeps looking at the light. He wants to know: What is it?”
“Tell him,” Vidas answered, “that it comes from a place of peace—a place I can guide him to…where he can be happy forever.”
Diego felt his breath calm as he listened to Vidas. He wasn’t sure whether to believe him, but then he watched as Mac took the ball of light.
“What’s happening?” Vidas said. “What are you seeing?”
“Mac is playing with the light…like when we used to play with this big ball in the hotel swimming pool. He’s smiling. His face is, like, glowing. It’s as if he’s soaking up the light…. He wants to know if that place you’re talking about really exists.”
Vidas took a deep, audible breath, then his words came out sure and strong. “Tell him I can take him there. But first he’s got to let go of you, or he can’t move on. He needs to stop pulling at you, stop making you want to die. Then I’ll take him there. I promise.”
Diego listened carefully. Could Vidas really take Mac away? What if nothing changed after this and Mac kept pulling at him, making him want to kill himself?
He cracked his eyes open a little and stared at Vidas across the darkened room. “How do I know this will really work?”
“There’s one way to find out. Are you willing to let go of Mac? Or do you want to keep holding on to him all your life?”
Diego sat up, his feelings all jumbled. Why was Vidas making it sound like he was the one holding on to Mac, not wanting to let him go? “But what’ll happen to him?”
“He’ll go to that peaceful place, so that you can both be at peace…if you’ll let me take him.”
Diego frowned and shut his eyes again. “Okay, fine.”
“Good,” Vidas said. “Focus again on the stream bank…. What do you see?”
The scene quickly came back. “Mac keeps looking between you, the light, and me, like he’s trying to decide whether to trust you.”
After a moment Vidas asked, “And what’s his decision?”
Diego didn’t understand why it was so hard for him to utter the words. “He says he’ll go with you.”
“Good,” Vidas answered. “Is there anything you want to tell him before he leaves?”
“Just—” Diego’s voice caught as a wave of grief came over him. “Good-bye.”
As much as he hated Mac, he wished he’d had the chance to say good-bye before the suicide.
“Listen,” Vidas continued, “as Mac also says good-bye.”
Diego watched across the stream bank as Mac turned briefly from the light, waving good-bye to him.
“He’s letting go of you,” Vidas explained, and the tears Diego had been holding back erupted uncontrollably, as if he were letting go too.
“Now picture in your mind,” Vidas went on, “as I motion for Mac to follow me. You watch from beside the stream as Mac and I float upward over the fields and forest…. Through the clouds, high into the atmosphere…. The Earth becomes smaller as we fly into space, surrounded by planets and stars….”
As Diego listened, visualizing the scene, he wiped the tears from his cheeks.
“Mac and I approach a great bright light,” Vidas continued. “Not the sun, not a star. It’s a warm light, surrounding the entire universe…. I motion for Mac to go to the light…. And he enters the place of peace.”
Vidas paused for a breath and Diego did too, lulled by the image of Mac fading into the warm light.
“Now I’m traveling back by myself,” Vidas resumed, “through the galaxies and stars…toward the Earth…through the clouds…over the trees and fields…back to the stream bank where you’re resting…. Take one last look around this place where you and Mac said good-bye.”
Diego looked toward the stream. “What about the shark?”
“I don’t know.” Vidas hesitated. “Ask it. What does it say?”
Without being asked, the shark already seemed to be communicating.
“I think it wants to protect me when I need it.”
“Okay,” Vidas said. “Now follow me back along the path you came down…through the doorway…back to this room…. And when you’re ready, slowly open your eyes.”
Diego blinked his eyelids and glanced around the darkened office.