My eyes pop open as I suck in a deep breath, my hand automatically sliding down my stomach to grasp my raging morning hard-on.
This isn't the first time I've dreamed of Gracen since she's come back into my life, but it's the first time it's caused me to wake up hornier than I can ever recall feeling. My head rolls on my pillow and I see it's almost 8 A.M. I squeeze my cock hard, considering for a moment just heading straight for a cold shower rather than giving into this insanity, but my hand feels good and the dream is still too fresh. I can still smell Gracen in my mind.
My hand moves on my dick, slowly at first as I close my eyes and slip back into the memories of that dream. I jack myself faster and faster, my hips rising off my mattress until I come on my stomach in a matter of moments.
While my breathing steadies, I trail my fingers through the wetness, considering the potency of the creamy white liquid. It created Lilly, and I wonder how exactly Gracen got pregnant. She'd been on the pill, and as far as I knew, had always been diligent in taking it.
It never occurred to me before now to ask, and I doubt I will. What does it matter? It happened and I would never give Lilly back to happenstance.
So I put it out of my mind and roll out of bed to take a shower. I muse about how well yesterday went between Gracen and my parents. They were angry and upset at first when I called them, but I'm not surprised that was gone by the time they came to visit. My mom is a forgiving person by nature. While I have my dad's classic temper, what I didn't inherit was his ability to find peace. They both made Gracen feel secure after acknowledging her poor choice, which is something I've yet to master.
Even though my parents were warm and open to Gracen, she chose to leave yesterday afternoon to give Lilly and her new grandparents some unimpeded time. It was probably a good idea, but I didn't like that she went out to look for an apartment for her and Lilly. She seems resolved to the idea to move out, and this doesn't settle well with me.
Of course, I've been nothing but unsettled when it comes to Gracen coming back into my life. It was never more so than last night after Gracen came back after apartment hunting. I was relieved when she told us she hadn't seen anything suitable and was in good spirits as she and my mom cooked dinner together. My dad, Lilly, and I were watching a movie in the living room, although I admittedly watched Gracen more than the TV.
She seemed at ease with my mom, and they kept up a running conversation as they made cabbage rolls. My ears perked up when my mom started brazenly asking Gracen about the pregnancy and those first few precious years that we all missed out on.
I wanted to be angry and waited for that flash and sizzle of rage over the reminder of what was stolen from me, but I ended up being quite shaken over what I'd heard.
For the first time, I realized I didn't just miss out on all the fun and wondrous stuff of having a new baby. I missed all the hard shit too, which means that Gracen shouldered it all.
"How was the delivery?" my mom had asked as they stood shoulder to shoulder at the counter while they stuffed spiced meat and rice into cabbage leaves.
"It was fine," Gracen had told her in a quiet voice, perhaps maybe a little guarded. "I was right in the middle of one of my advanced nursing management classes when I went into labor."
"You were still in school?" my mom asked in amazement.
"It was about five days before my due date and there hadn't been anything that prevented me from still going to school," Gracen had replied. I stopped watching the movie and focused my gaze on them. "The thing that sucked was that I was an hour and a half from the hospital in Wilkie. I had no choice but to go to the hospital near the college. It was all kind of...urgent."
My mom froze as she stared at Gracen. "You were by yourself."
Gracen just shrugged and rolled another cabbage leaf. "My parents got there as soon as they could."
Jesus, that had gutted me hearing that.
Hurt worse to hear how accepting of that Gracen seemed to be, and if I have her pegged right, I bet she felt it was probably her penance to go through part of that by herself.
I'd forced my eyes back to the TV but kept listening with a rolling stomach. I shamelessly eavesdropped and learned how Gracen took a week off from school after Lilly came home from the hospital. How she went right back to school so she could get that degree, functioning only on maybe three hours of sleep each night if she was lucky. She kept a brutal schedule, leaving her parents' house in Wilkie at 6 A.M. to travel an hour and a half to school. That meant she should have been up by 5 A.M. to get ready, but in reality she was up at 3 A.M., because that's when Lilly usually got hungry for a feeding. Gracen refused to let her parents feed Lilly at night with pumped breast milk, claiming that it was not just her responsibility but her joy. She would get out of classes usually by 3 P.M. and make it back home in time for dinner. Then she devoted her time to Lilly while she was awake, and studying when she was asleep. She usually got to bed by midnight, only to get up and do it all over again the next day.
I'd been fucking astounded.
I was also ashamed to realize that even had I been in Gracen's life during the pregnancy, I would have been gone during a lot of that as an NHL player. She would have been alone regardless, but I could have at least hired someone to help her out. I could have at least had her with me so that I could have taken the burden some of the time when I wasn't traveling.
After my shower, I head into the kitchen, where I find my parents eating breakfast with Lilly at the long table that separates it from the living area. Gracen is in the kitchen washing a pan that she'd obviously used to make the large plate of scrambled eggs in the center of the table sitting next to a plate of bacon.
"Morning," I say as I walk in.
I get smiles from my parents, a sort of grin from Lilly, who has her mouth stuffed full of food, and Gracen just keeps her back to me as she scrubs the pan. It's not a snub at me directly, but I bet she doesn't return my greeting because she figures I was only offering it to those people at the table.
Those who are in my good graces and didn't cheat me out of something important.
I walk into the kitchen and grab a coffee cup from the cupboard to the right of the sink. My shoulder is just inches from her and I lean a little left to give her a bump. "Good morning."
She startles and shoots me a tentative smile. "Morning. Get a plate and eat while it's hot."
"Did you eat yet?" I ask her.
"No, I wanted to get this stuff washed up."
I set my cup on the counter and pull the pan out of her soapy hands. "Go eat. I'll wash this."
She stares at me almost blankly, like she can't quite comprehend me being nice. I understand that. I really do.
I don't make a big deal out of it as I slide the pan into the sink and turn to make my coffee. "Go. Eat."
Gracen dries her hands off and goes to the table, sitting down beside my dad. After I get my coffee, I join them, choosing to sit next to Lilly and across from Gracen.
After I load my plate up, I ask, "So what's on the agenda for everyone today?"
My parents are flying back to New York in a few days, and I know they want to pack in as much time with Lilly that they can. They're desperate to forge a bond that will remain strong until they come back to Raleigh, which will be sooner rather than later. My dad informed me last night that as soon as they got back to New York they were going to get packed up and head back here for the season.
"We were thinking of driving to the zoo today," my mom says as she ruffles her granddaughter's hair. "Right, Lilly?"
"Mmmm-hmmm," she says as she chews on a piece of bacon and manages to still grin through it all.
"Sounds fun." I look across the table at Gracen. "You in?"
The quick shake of her head has me swamped with disappointment. "I think I'm going to go out and look at apartments again. Josie recommended a complex that's fairly close to the hospital."
"But that would put you farther away from Brassfield,"
I point out. Gracen and I had decided that's the school we would put Lilly in, and she's going to start tomorrow. Training camp starts tomorrow as well, so I'll just drop Lilly off on my way there since Gracen has to be at the hospital at 7 A.M.
"I know," Gracen says softly as she picks up a piece of bacon from her plate. "But Josie knows a doctor whose kids go to Brassfield, and his wife takes them there. She put us in touch with each other yesterday and she said she'd be glad to take Lilly. They live over in that area as well. I can carpool for her kids on the days I have off."
"How is the job?" my mom asks Gracen.
"I only had the orientation on Friday, but everyone I met was really nice. I'm just excited to get back to work."
My mom and Gracen launch into conversation about her work as a nurse. Questions that I'd like to know the answers to as well, since I find myself more curious about the woman Gracen turned into over the last few years. But my mind is swirling with the impending changes that are getting ready to happen, and they make me feel off balance. I just got used to the notion of having both Gracen and Lilly here as part of my life.
"Can I talk to you?" I blurt out, interrupting the conversation with a direct look at Gracen.
She blinks at me in surprise and I add, "Privately."
"Um, sure." She wipes her mouth her with her napkin and pushes out of her chair.
I do the same and lead the way back to my bedroom. When Gracen steps through I shut the door behind us. I turn to find her looking around curiously and I realize she's never been in here before.
My eyes slide to the bed where not too long ago I just jacked off thinking about Gracen.
"I think you should just stay here," I say to her back, and her head whips around to look at me in surprise.
"Stay here?" she asks dumbly.
"Yeah. You and Lilly stay here. It gives me more time with Lilly when I'm not traveling for away games, and can help you save up money for...well, whatever it is you want to save up for." My words trail off, leaving me sounding lame and unsure of myself.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea--"
"I won't be a dick," I assure her hastily. God, I hope my temper stays under control and I'm not a dick to her anymore.
I know I have to let it go.
I want to let it go, I swear.
Gracen's gaze upon me is shrewd and filled with skepticism. I can tell she's weighing my need for Lilly against her own need for peace between us.
"Gracen...please." My voice is soft, not quite begging, but I'm most definitely appealing to her softer side. "Just give it a try, and if it's too hard, you can look for a place. My parents will be back by the end of the week and they'll be able to help us when our work schedules get tight. They live in this area, so you living out by the hospital would make things more difficult."
Another tense moment where I hold my breath and her hard gaze. But then her face crumbles as her eyes go soft and relenting. She lets out a breath and murmurs, "Okay. Fine. We'll give it a try."
My own breath rushes out in relief as I realize just how important this was to me. "Thank you."
Her smile is guarded as she nods.
"So would you like to go to the zoo with us today?" I ask her.
I fully expect her to say yes, and I'm disappointed once again when she shakes her head. "Actually, if you don't mind...I'd like to pass."
"Why?" I blurt out.
Gracen responds with a tinkling laugh. "Trust me...you'll get there eventually, but sometimes parents just need breaks. I'm going to just relax and do nothing today."
I tamp down the small kernel of anger that flares over her words. It's another potent reminder that Gracen's had years with Lilly. She's had so much time with her that she needs and enjoys a break from parenting for a few hours, whereas I want all the time I can get.
But I push it down hard, knowing that I made a promise to Gracen that I wouldn't be a dick to her. I might still be struggling with some ugly feelings, but I absolutely refuse to take it out on her anymore.
So I give her a return smile. "Sure. No problem."
Chapter 14
Gracen
I open the glass door that leads out to a courtyard just off the hospital cafeteria. It's for anyone to use--patients, visitors, and medical staff--but today all of the tables are filled to capacity since it's an unseasonably cool day for September in the Carolinas.
Or so I'm told.
Spotting Josie sitting at a round table that seats four, I start winding my way through people. She'd texted me this morning soon after I got to work and we made plans to meet up for a quick lunch. We both work the same 7 A.M. to 7 P.M. shift today.
"I've got about twenty minutes," I say as I plop down in a seat to her right.
"I've got about ten," she returns with a grin, then takes a huge bite of what looks like a tuna fish sandwich.
"Show-off," I say with a faux grumble in my voice.
Josie snickers while she chews. I open the cellophane wrapper on the ham and cheese sandwich I'd grabbed from the cooler in the cafeteria. The line for the hot food was too long, filled with visitors who had more time than the medical staff did to eat.
As I'm biting into my sandwich, Josie is swallowing. She wastes none of her ten minutes. "How are things going with you and Marek?"
I ignore the true meaning behind her question and focus on generalities. "It was really nice having his parents in this weekend to meet Lilly. She really took to them."
That distracts her enough to let go of Marek. Her eyebrows furrow slightly. "How was it with them?"
"They were far nicer to me than I deserved."
Josie's look of concern turns into one of dismissal. "You deserve to have everyone treat you nicely, Gracen."
"Maybe so. But I also deserve some of their anger."
"But you didn't get it?" she asks.
I shake my head. "They were so sweet and forgiving."
"Marek could take a lesson or two from his parents," Josie mutters.
"Actually," I say as I pick at the crust on my sandwich. "He asked me to stay at the house rather than move into an apartment. Promised me he wouldn't be a dick."
Josie's eyebrow raises. "Well, well. This is a nice turnabout."
"Maybe." My noncommittal tone must contain what Josie takes as a secret message, because both her eyebrows shoot up.
She leans over the table and murmurs, "What's going on?"
"Nothing."
"Liar."
"I'm not."
"You are. Now spill," she growls at me.
I throw my hands up in the air and exclaim loudly, "Fine. He kissed me."
The people at the surrounding tables all turn their heads to look at me. My face flushes with heat and I duck my head. Leaning toward Josie, I mutter, "He, like, really kissed me and I kissed him back."
"So are you two...like back together?"
Shaking my head, I disabuse her of that notion. "No way. The kiss came on the heels of another argument where he was mad at me for keeping Lilly a secret. It was nothing more than him channeling that anger into something else."
"What was it for you?" she asks, her head tilted curiously.
God, it had nothing to do with anger for me. I kissed Marek back because I still loved him and loved that he was now trying to be a great dad to Lilly. I kissed him because I want him in all ways a woman can want a man.
I foolishly, stupidly, insanely want him.
I pick up my sandwich and look at it in consideration as I say, "I want peace in my life. I want to be happy. Those things aren't going to happen with Marek. So that kiss can't have any meaning to me."
Taking a bite of my sandwich, I let Josie process those words. She just stares at me, measuring perhaps my silent resolve not to delve into this any deeper. I can see the moment where she decides to push me. It's a twinkle in her eyes, totally calculating and mischievous.
I swallow my food, prepared to shut her down in case she has starry-eyed notions of M
arek and me getting back together, but a voice says from behind me, "Hey, Josie."
Twisting my neck, I look up and over my shoulder to find a very handsome doctor standing there. Even though he's said hello to Josie, he's staring at me. His brown hair is trimmed neat, and his matching brown eyes seem kind and friendly.
"Hey, Aiden," Josie replies.
I give the guy a smile, and the one he gives back to me is blinding before he steps to my left and takes a seat without being asked to join us. His gaze goes to Josie. "Going to introduce me to your new friend?"
Josie rolls her eyes and then waves her hand in my direction. "Aiden, this is Gracen. She's an L and D nurse. Today's her first day. And Gracen, this is Aiden McCune. He works in the ER with me."
"Dr. McCune, nice to meet you," I say as I stick my hand out toward him.
Rather than give me a strong, professional handshake, he takes my hand softly, and with the most charming smile I've been given in a long time, replies, "That won't do. You must call me Aiden."
"Oh geez," Josie mutters, and while I don't look at her, I can feel another eye roll being given.
Aiden just chuckles and releases my hand. He sits back casually in the chair and angles his body toward me. "I was just finishing up my lunch and saw you two over here. Thought I'd come introduce myself."
"And flirt," Josie adds.
My eyes cut to her and she smirks at me, but I can tell by the amusement in her eyes that this Aiden must be a good guy or she'd shut him down.
Josie then looks to Aiden. "Gracen's new to the area. Just moved down here from New York."
Aiden turns to me. "Oh yeah? How are you liking it?"
"It's a really nice area." I know that's not overly descriptive, but what else can I say? I've been here more than two weeks and haven't had a chance to do much other than try to stay away from Marek's wrath.
"What brought you here?" Aiden asks as he props one ankle over his knee, indicating he's settled in for some casual conversation.
I don't hesitate for a moment, because if Aiden is flirting with me in a serious attempt to delve into some good conversation, I'm just going to lay it out there to him. "I had a baby about three and a half years ago and kept it secret from the father. He recently found out and came up to New York, practically kidnapping me and my daughter, Lilly, to bring us back here so he could get to know her."