I glance at him with a sharp look. "Didn't she tell you?"
"Didn't who tell me what?"
"Lilly fell when I took her ice-staking this morning. I had to bring her into the emergency room and Josie treated her."
His look of concern intensifies. "She wouldn't have told me anything because of doctor-patient privilege. Is Lilly okay?"
I blow out a frustrated breath and my head hangs low. "She cut her lip and had to have a few stitches."
"That's why you played like shit tonight. You were worried about Lilly."
I sit up straight and turn to look at my friend. The one man who was always on Gracen's side from the get-go and worked hard to make sure I got my head out of my ass. I'm actually grateful for it in hindsight, so I don't have any problems with being truthful to him. "Gracen and I got into a huge fight this afternoon about me taking Lilly ice-skating. She blamed me for her injury, we said a lot of nasty shit to each other, and just before I left for the arena, she told me she wants to go back home to New York with Lilly."
Reed shakes his head as if in denial. "No way. She wouldn't do that."
I give a snort of skepticism. "You weren't there, man. She was beyond pissed, and we said some really shitty things to each other. We can't seem to fucking help ourselves. Can't seem to let the past go."
"Did you mean the shitty things you said to her?" he asks me curiously.
I give him an exasperated look. "Of course not. We all say stupid stuff when we're mad."
"Then I would suggest she probably didn't mean that about leaving either. I think you two need to talk this out."
"We're not the best communicators," I grumble.
Reed gives me a slight punch to my upper arm. "Then I would also suggest you learn to be a communicator. You stand to lose your daughter, so I can't think of a better reason to get your shit together."
I stand to lose Gracen as well, and that scares the shit out of me as much as losing Lilly does. My head drops and I stare down at my unlaced skates.
"Do you love her?" Reed asks, and that question makes me jerk. My head snaps to the right to look at him.
He repeats. "Do you love Gracen? The way you used to?"
I think I love her more. The knowledge slams into me like a wrecking ball punching through concrete.
This isn't the same young woman that I loved all those years ago. This is a woman who almost died to have my child. Who was an amazing mom to my child when I wasn't there. She suffered so much all on her own to give Lilly life and security.
Yeah...I love her differently.
More.
Infinitely more.
Reed watches me as I work this out in my head, and while I don't admit any of this to him, he can see on my face that I've reached a conclusion about my feelings. He slaps me on the back and grins. "I'm confident you'll figure this out."
Maybe. I need to figure out how to make this right. How do I ensure this doesn't happen again?
And I know where I need to go to get my answer.
* * *
--
I knock on my parents' front door, and within moments, my dad opens up. He doesn't seem surprised to find me here. He was at the game and saw how horribly I played. He was at the hospital and saw my worry over Lilly. He felt the terrible tension between Gracen and me, and he also knew we had a serious talk at the house.
"Rough game," he says as I step over the threshold.
"Yeah," I admit as I shut the door behind me.
"Want a beer?"
"Yeah."
I head into the living room while my dad goes into the kitchen. My mom is reading a book on the couch and she looks at me with sympathy as I cross over to her.
Bending over, I give her a kiss on the cheek. She pats the side of my face softly and doesn't need to say a thing in return. She knows I'm here to talk to my dad, because he's always been my sounding board for advice.
She stands from the couch, turns, and points to it for me to sit. "I'm going to head to bed now."
I nod and flop down. Dad returns holding two opened bottles of Molson. My mom pats him on the stomach as she brushes past him and then she disappears.
Dad hands me a bottle and then sinks back into his recliner. He doesn't cock it back but sits on the edge, leaning toward me attentively. He waits patiently for me to talk.
I take a sip of the beer, and when I lower my bottle, I lock my eyes with my dad's. I've never held back from him. While my mom loves me as unconditionally as my dad, he's always been the one I've sought when I've needed to bare my soul.
"Gracen wants to go back to New York," I say, deciding to jump right to the issue.
"Why?" he asks simply before taking a sip of his beer.
"We got into a fight before I left for the game." My dad nods in understanding. I'm sure he knew the conversation wasn't going to be pleasant when we all got home from the hospital and Gracen asked to talk to me privately. "She blamed me for Lilly's injury. We then dredged up all the old shit between us."
My dad chooses his words carefully, knowing that this is difficult for me. "That seems awfully drastic for Gracen to decide to return to New York. I thought things were going great between you two."
"I thought so too," I tell him glumly. "I mean...we were getting closer. It felt good being together again."
She told you she loved you, Marek, and you never bothered to tell her back.
"Gotta solve the problem, buddy." My dad looks at me expectantly. For me to figure this shit out on my own.
I blow out a breath and sit up straighter on the couch. It's time to talk frankly.
"When Gracen first came to North Carolina, I wasn't nice to her. I really had a hard time getting past the fact she'd kept Lilly secret."
"Understandable."
"And I kept throwing it in her face. I'd get pissed and just beat her up with it. She took it for a while because she felt guilty as hell. But then one day, she was just done with it. Said that she was done apologizing for it and for me to get over it."
"She was right," my dad murmurs.
"I know," I say with a nod. "So I decided to let it go. I decided to focus on Lilly, and well...I focused on Gracen too. She was the one, Dad, that I should never have let get away."
My dad shakes his head and holds up a hand. "Don't regret your actions, Marek. You were young when you left, and there's nothing wrong with wanting things she couldn't give you at the time."
I'll never accept that. Not when I know I missed very crucial time with Gracen. When I missed the pregnancy and raising Lilly after she was born.
"At any rate," I continue. "Gracen said she was done with being made to feel bad about it. And when we fought tonight, the first thing I did was throw that shit in her face. After I'd told her I'd forgiven her for it. And I had. I swear it. I really thought I had forgiven her, but maybe deep down I didn't. Otherwise, why would I have so casually tossed that at her with the idea in mind of hurting her?"
I focus on my dad's eyes, which are appraising and thoughtful all at once. He's a kind man with a tough disposition at times. It's a good balance, and he's always been able to see all the puzzle pieces and how they fit together. I wait for his advice so I can roll with it.
"You're not going to like what I have to say," he forewarns me.
I figured it might be tough, so I just nod.
"Okay...well, people just say hurtful shit. It's human nature."
I blink at him as my mind twirls, trying to pick apart this deep mystery he's unraveling for me. But I can't quite comprehend. "Human nature?"
"Human nature," he affirms. "If you and Gracen work through this, I guarantee one or both of you will dredge this up again. When we're hurt, we lash out. You're going to reach for the thing that's going to hurt the other the most."
"That's not the answer," I say stubbornly. It can't be.
"It is the answer," my dad presses on. "You just have to work hard at it. Relationships are a work in progress. Your mom an
d I have been married for thirty-nine years, and we still say hurtful shit to each other when we argue. Maybe not to the degree that you and Gracen are going through, but there was a time when we were younger that we did. You just have to accept that as humans, we're dumb as shit sometimes. We're rash and act without thinking."
"Try explaining that to Gracen," I mutter as I sink back onto the couch. "She said she was done. She's serious, Dad."
"Do you regret it?" he asks.
"Yes, I regret it," I exclaim as I pop back up. "I don't want to hurt her. I love her."
My dad smiles at me, almost as if he's proud to have dragged that admission from me. He sticks the knife in and turns it slightly. "Have you told her?"
I wince, thinking back to that beautiful moment when I was deep inside of Gracen's body and she told me she loved me.
How I couldn't say the words back to her and haven't brought myself to say them since.
I shake my head, lowering it in shame. Silently admitting my cowardice to my father.
"You didn't want to get hurt again by her," he concludes, and yeah, that sentiment feels right.
I drag my gaze back up at him. "No one will ever know how hard it was for me to break up with Gracen. I wanted her and I wanted my freedom. I loved her so much, and when I left her, there wasn't a day went by that I didn't think of her to some extent. Wondering if the freedom I'd gained had been worth losing her."
"You grew up in that time," my dad says with a wave of his hand. "There's nothing wrong with that. And there's something to be said about second chances."
"I guess," I say hesitantly as I look down at my beer bottle.
"Listen," my dad says, and my head pops back up. "Here's my real advice. Bottom line...you love her. You regret the fight. Go apologize and tell her the truth of how you feel. Don't hold back. Lay it all out, Marek."
"Lay it all out," I repeat as if testing the weight of the consequences of what that all means.
"If you do, you can never have regrets later," he adds. "If this is what you want, a family and a life with Gracen, then put it all out there and ask her for it."
"Do I deserve that second chance?" I ask him, my voice hoarse with the emotion.
"Of course you do. You deserve to have it all."
Chapter 28
Gracen
I feel like a zombie as I trudge down the staircase. I couldn't get to sleep last night, the fight I'd had with Marek playing over and over again in my head. I told him I was leaving, and while the last thing I wanted to do was leave him, I didn't see any other option. Our hurts ran so deep that we were just too toxic for each other. The enormity of that realization weighed so heavy on me I tossed and turned all night. If I did manage to sleep, I woke with nightmares I couldn't quite remember what they were about but still had my heart pounding.
As soon as I hit the bottom step and look into the kitchen, I freeze to find Marek sitting at the counter and looking at me. He has a cup of coffee in front of him and I realize now that the house is eerily silent.
"Where's Lilly?" I ask him as my eyes dart into the empty living room.
"I took her over to my parents' this morning so we could have some privacy to talk." His words hang heavy in the air and my stomach knots.
I want to be mad he did such a high-handed thing, but the truth is, I suppose we need to talk and figure out the mechanics of what happens next.
I walk past Marek, noting the flatness of his eyes and the paleness of his skin. I watched the game and he played awful last night. I felt a terrible because there was no doubt in my mind that the nasty words we'd thrown at each other were responsible for his game play. Just another reason, I remind myself, that we're not good for each other.
Marek doesn't say a word as I make my coffee. My heartbeat seems to slam hard against my chest wall, the anxiety of this confrontation so very oppressive.
"I'm sorry Lilly got hurt," he says into the quiet, and it catches me off guard. I spin to face him. "I should have asked you. I just didn't think there was anything wrong with it because I had been skating at that age."
I hold my hand up to stop him, because I'd been thinking a lot about this issue last night. Once I'd gotten some distance from Marek and had calmed down a bit, I knew I'd overreacted.
"Yes, I wish you would have asked me first, but honestly...she's not too young. I know it wasn't anyone's fault but those reckless kids'."
His eyes lighten in what I think might be relief. The guilt he'd been bearing about Lilly getting hurt is so evident in his expression right now.
Marek just stares at me, as if he doesn't know what to say next. The silence is awkward, so I turn back to the Keurig and start my coffee.
I feel him step up behind me, his presence palpable before he even puts his hands on my shoulders. He turns me to face him and I swallow hard when I see the angst on his face. "I don't want you to go back to New York."
And I don't want to go back either. But I don't see any other way.
"Marek," I say gently. "The last thing I want to do is take Lilly away from you. But I also have to think about me as well. My parents are my support system. I miss them and they miss Lilly. There's nothing for me here. This isn't my home and it never will be."
"This could be your home," he replies.
I shake my head. "I'm not talking about a place to live. I'm talking about where I feel settled and where I belong."
"I'm not talking about this house, Gracie." His hands drop from my shoulders and he turns away for a moment, rubbing his fingers over his stubbled jaw. When he turns back, he takes a deep breath and says, "I said some horrible things to you last night. I had told you I was over all the shit in our past, and yet I still tried to make you feel like shit about it. That was wrong, and I swear there was no meaning behind my words. I only did it to hurt you."
"Because I hurt you," I finish for him, feeling ashamed that I too succumbed to such anger. "You're a really good father, and I didn't mean what I said either. I'm sorry."
Utter relief washes over Marek's face and he grabs me in his arms, wrapping me up in a hug. "God, I'm so glad we got that out of the way. We'll work through this stuff, Gracie. I promise."
It catches me off guard, and for a moment I just stand there, stiff in his arms. But then I'm pushing him away, shaking my head. "I still want to go back to New York."
"What?" he whispers, clearly aghast at such a suggestion.
"We said nasty things to each other and we're both sorry for it, but that doesn't mean this is the right place for me. I just...there really isn't anything here for me."
Marek's eyebrows draw together in a mixture of anger and confusion. "I'm here."
Not in the way I need.
"Gracie," Marek practically croaks out. "I love you. Please don't leave."
His words make my knees go weak, and they feel so damn good to my ears that I refuse to believe in something so wonderful. I shake my head in denial. He's desperate to keep Lilly here and he'll say anything. "No. You don't mean that."
"I do," he insists as he takes a step toward me. I move back, my back coming up against the counter. Another step, and he's toe to toe with me. His hands come to my face. His thumbs stroke my cheeks. "I love you. I don't want to lose Lilly, but Gracen...this is about you and me right now. I don't want to lose you."
I'm not worthy. "It's not possible. Not after what I did to you. It was the ultimate betrayal."
"It is possible," he growls at me in frustration. "I was wrong to throw it back in your face last night, and I swear, Gracie, I will work my ass off never to do that again. I love you and I never want to hurt you."
I shake my head. I refuse to believe it. "There are too many hard feelings to overcome."
"You overcame what I did to you," he asserts. "You still love me despite the way I broke your heart. Why can't I love you even after you kept Lilly a secret?"
And then I speak the truth. I express the guilt that apparently still weighs down on me to this
day, even though I said I was done with apologizing. "Because what you did to me was nowhere near as bad as what I did to you. You dumped me. Broke my heart. So what? I kept your daughter away from you. I willingly kept her a secret from you, and God help me, Marek, maybe I did it to punish you. That's beyond fucked up, and there's no way you should really be able to get past that. There's no way you could ever love me with that hanging over us."
"Bullshit," he yells at me. He steps back and his hands drop from my face. His face is flushed with anger, his eyes turbulent with emotion. "Don't fucking tell me how I can and can't feel. You're it for me, Gracie. My first love. My only love. The mother of my child. It may have taken me a bit longer than you to figure out that what we have is the real deal, but I'm telling you...I love you and I want you to stay here and make a life with me."
Once again, my head is shaking; I'm refusing to believe this could be true. "I can't."
"For fuck's sake, Gracie," he barks at me in frustration. Then his eyes soften and he holds his hands out as he implores. "I used to think that everything good in my life was because of hockey. I'm man enough to admit it's why I left you. Because I couldn't see it. Didn't want to see it. Wasn't mature enough to see it. Whatever. I wasted so much opportunity when I left you behind, and I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I will regret choosing something other than you. But I'll be damned if I'll regret letting you get away a second time. I'm not going to do it."
His words hang ominously in the air and my breath is frozen in my lungs.
Marek takes a deep breath and his eyes turn rock hard with determination. "You want to go back to New York, fine."
My heart sinks, telling me I shouldn't have been so adamant in my denial.
He takes a step toward me until we're almost nose to nose. He doesn't touch me, but then again, he doesn't need to. His words almost bowl me over. "You can go back to New York, but I'm coming with you."
A sound of protest squeaks out of me and my eyes go so wide I'm afraid my eyeballs might pop out of my head.
He nods, as if understanding clearly that this is exactly what he'll do to keep me. "I'll finish out this season, but then I'm done. I'll move to New York and we'll be a family there."
"That's ridiculous," I sputter.
"It's not," he says staunchly, lifting his chin. "You are more important than hockey. Being a family with you and Lilly is the most important thing in the world to me, and I'm not going to give it up. So fine...we'll move to New York."