CHAPTER FIVE: TOUCHDOWN
Sometimes I wondered what God was thinking when He made me. I often wondered if I even had a plan at all or if I was just here to take up space and be a burden to everyone I met. I pretty much spent my entire life wishing that I was anyone but myself. I mean... what was He thinking? My life honestly seemed like an extremely cruel joke. I honestly couldn't help but question God's motives on putting me on this planet. Whenever I do get those thoughts... though it happened quite often I just tried to remember that somewhere, someday someone was going to come into my life and make me really happy. There had to be a place somewhere in this world for me and one day I promised myself that I would find it.
I was convinced that God had this place set out for all of us, a place where we are indescribably happy. I didn't know how long it would be until I finally came in contact with mine, but I was convinced it was stored away somewhere for me. There was some place down in the crazy winding road of my life that was strictly for me. I didn't know how many years it was going to be until I was able to reach it, but I knew that it had to be there...somewhere. Even if it was when I was old and gray or when I was lying on my death bed, somewhere I would find peace. I wanted to move away to be honest. I wanted to get away from everything and everyone. I just wanted to start over. The memories would still sting though. Such as, sitting at a fence and two boys coming up.
“Hi, Angela.” They said.
“Hi, Sam.” The other said.
“Don't say hi to her!” His friends snapped. I just sat there not saying a word.
“Sorry!” He apologized to his friends as if he had committed some horribly wicked sin.
“Bye!” They said to each individual girl except me. It stung. I sat there in silence as they stared me directly in my eyes trying to emphasize that they were ignoring me. They all stared through me as if I was invisible or something. I could never really fully come to terms that I was the outcast though. I refused to accept it. It hurt too much to accept. In my mind, I liked to pretend that I had some people would actually loved me in my life, but the thing about dreaming and pretending is eventually you have to wake up. When you do finally get out of your beautiful fantasy world and into the cold harsh reality the pain of your situation seems to multiply.
I kind of wondered if there even was such a thing as “happy endings” for looser like myself. I mean... could I possibly be Anyone's princess? I just didn't really think I was deserving of love, or fairytale, or happy every afters like most people got. A lot of times it's the typical guy-meets-girl scenario where they fall in love, get married, have kids, and grow old together. Quite frankly... I never saw myself in that position. I mean who could love me anyway-
A shout snapped me back into attention.
“Hey, you!” A man screamed, pointing his bony finger at me.
“Me?” I asked, pointing at myself. The man nodded firmly.
“Get over here!” He demanded. I quickly shuffled over to the man.
“You're next.” He said gruffly.
“Oh... thanks.” I said quietly.
“What's your name, sweetie?” The girl behind the desk asked.
“Sam.” I replied, shyly. She smiled a really big warm smile at me.
“Okay, Sam, where are you from?” The lady asked softly.
“L.A.” I replied avoiding eye contact.
“Well, good luck.” She said cheerfully. I forced a smile. She grabbed my arm before I went.
“Really... I mean that.” She said, ducking her head a little trying to catch my eye. I smiled and nodded.
“Thanks.” I said, looking at her.
“Don't be nervous. The boys are really nice. You'll love them.” She stated, giving my shoulder a pat.
“Thank-you. It means a lot.” I said. It really did. It was just the little bit of encouragement I needed to do this. I guess I looked just as nervous as I felt inside. I held my head high as I went into the waiting room though, shoving the negative thoughts aside. My guitar suddenly felt like a heavy burden weighing me down as it hung from my back. The waiting room was a very tense atmosphere. A few people were chatting quietly in there, but you could pretty much hear a pen drop. I saw people come out crying. I bit down hard on my lip. It was all I could do to keep myself from screaming out loud. I watched as they called in person after person. Some came out with a huge smile on their face, holding their heads high. Others were sobbing as they walked out the door. Once I entered that door, my future would be determined. Behind that door lay my destiny. I twiddled my thumbs nervously. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. What if I got in front of them and froze? I watched as more people came out grinning from ear to ear, then more came out looking pale as a ghost. I ran my fingers through my hair. Why was I even here?
“Sam Baker.” My stomach tightened. My breathe caught inside my throat. I slowly got up and walked to the door.
“Hi.” I managed to squeak at the man holding the door.
“Alright, good luck.” He said, before gesturing for me to enter the room. The gripped the neck of my guitar so tightly that it left deep imprints in my skin. I clutched it as if my entire existence of being depended on it. I held it tightly against my chest, trying hard to hold it with my trembling hands. My heart was thudding loudly inside my chest, the blood pumped in my veins and spurted me with energy. I looked at the four angelic looking boys sitting in front of me. Oh. My. Gosh. How... could any human... be that hot? Are they real? I was tempted to run up and touch them just to make sure.
Cory was the first I saw. He had a golden quiff and a slight smirk on his sun-kissed face. He had gorgeous pearly white teeth that were in perfect straight line. Josh was gorgeous as well he had shaggy nutmeg hair that swooped by his jade green eyes. His hair was ruffled and hidden beneath a light blue beanie that rest perfectly on his head. His pink lips were upturned in a slight smirk that got my heart skipping a bit. Logan had big brown eyes that you could practically swim in. His brown hair was slicked back nicely and he looked like a very clean-cut man. His cheeks had a gorgeous rosy color as if he had been out running all day. Hunter was beautiful. His golden locks all lay in a ruffled mass at the side of his head. It was in deep waves and even looked as if it held a little curl. It looked like it held a bit of wave to it. Something about him took my breathe away. Maybe it was his chiseled features, his tan body, or his blue-green perfect eyes that I couldn't stop staring at. But something about him gave me butterflies. His eyelashes were really long and his face looked like there wasn't a single flaw in it. I knew it was creepy to examine him so closely, but something about him captivated me. He propped his head up with his hand, making his bicep bulge and revealing his masculine build. He smiled a little and sported dimples as deep as ditches.
“Hello, love.” Hunter greeted. Ooooohhhhhhh, the way he spoke! It was enough to lull a baby to sleep. I couldn't say anything. I just nodded. Gosh, what was wrong with me?
“I'm Sam.” I blurted out, stupidly.
“Oh, well that was the next question we were about to ask.” Josh said with a laugh. I laughed nervously too.
“What are you gonna sing, babe?” Logan asked.
“God Heals the Broken.” I replied a lot less confidently than I meant to.
“Alright, go on then.” Cory prompted. I started strumming my guitar lightly. I prayed that my voice wouldn't come out as shaky as I was on the inside. I nodded my head trying to feel the beat the best I could. I hugged the neck of my guitar tightly, pressing it against my chest to the point where I could scarcely breathe. I inhaled deeply before softly singing the first lyrics.
“You used me, abused me, and laughed in my pain..” I began a little timidly. “ You love me, you hate me...” I started to feel the rhythm deep inside me. “YOU DRIVE ME INSANE!” I belted. An overwhelming passion overtook my entire body.
I believe in this MAGIC, sweet SADNESS, sickin' kind of paiiin... Maybe one day I'll take the band-aids and fix this OLD BROKEN HEART OF MIINE.” I began to calm down a little as the song ended. My heart beat slowed and stopped thudding like a drum in my chest. “I'll smile and I'll laugh and know that God heals the broken.” I ended quietly. They all sat there gawking at me. Hunter's mouth was left hanging open. I had overdone it.
“Um, good job, love.” Corey said.
“We'll keep in touch.” Hunter said.
“Okay, thanks. Bye.” I said shyly, running out of the room. I burst into tears the minute I was out of there. Could that have possibly gone any worse? I dashed into the car and flopped like a lifeless doll into the passenger seat.
“Baby, what's-” My mom began.
“Nothing!” I screamed, cutting her off. She reached over trying to touch me, but I shoved her off.
“Just drive!” I growled through clenched teeth. This was my one chance. And I blew it. It was all over now. There was no plan B. I didn't know what in the world I was going to do now or where I was going to go from here. The future was uncertain now.
I just stared out the window. I couldn't believe this. I was just so angry at myself. I grabbed my guitar case with stiff, clenched hands. My mom parked the car in the driveway. I burst through the front door, darted up the stairs, and hurled myself onto my bed. I curled up in a ball and just dared my mother to walk through that door. I didn't want to see anyone right now. I just needed to be alone. My phone beeped with a text message. I rolled over lazily and dragged the phone off my bedside table.
“Heard you auditioned for some band. Touchdown.” It read. As I already told you earlier, touchdown was the inside joke EVERYONE was in on. They said that every time I was seeking attention. All of a sudden, my phone blew up with text messages and notifications. They came in almost faster than I could read them.
Touchdown
Tooouuchdown
Touchdooown
TOUCHDOWN, LOOSER
TOUCHDOWN :)
TOOOUCHDOOOWN
Towndown xx
Towndown ;)
TOUCHDOWNNN x
I screamed and hurled my phone as hard as I could at the wall. I buried my face in my pillow and wept bitterly. I wept as if someone had died... in a way someone had. My dreams had died and I thought just maybe I might go with them. My mascara ran onto my pillow and left streaks all down it. I didn't care. I cried even harder. I cried until I literally had nothing left in me, every last drop of water that existed in my body had exited. Then, I just sat on my bed shaking. Unable to be angry and unable to cry. I just felt numb. I glanced down at my cracked phone that lay beside the fresh hole that I had just made in my wall. “Touchdown” messages were still flashing on the screen. Even some of my so called “friends” were in on that joke. Yes, I was attention seeking, but maybe if someone gave me the attention I truly wanted then I wouldn't be that way. The people that absolutely demand you to be completely captivated with, the ones that you can't tear your attention from I believe to be the people who truly make it places in this messed up world. Well, I used to believe that anyway. Nowadays, if you want attention your a little selfish brat who is arrogant and self-obsessed. That was anything but the truth though. I hated myself. I didn't know where or why this cruel joke began, but it had started none the less. No matter how far I tried to run I couldn't seem to get away from the cruel jokes, the taunting, the insecurity, and the laughter of my classmates. I'm done, I'm just... done.
Touchdown. Hope you scored or you won this little sick game you've forced me to be a part of for so long because I'm done playing.