Nasrudin went to the village judge and asked to be granted a divorce from his wife.
But when the judge asked what her name was, Nasrudin replied, “I don’t know.”
Greatly surprised to hear this, the latter asked, “Well how long have you been married to her?’
“Five years,” said Nasrudin.
The judge, now in a state of disbelief, had to ask once again.
“Do you mean to tell me that after five year of marriage, you do not know your wife’s name?”
“That is correct,” Nasrudin replied.
“Why not?” asked the judge.
“Because,” Nasrudin explained, “I did not have social relations with her.”
The Triplets
Nasrudin’s wife was pregnant and due to give birth any day.
One night, as they both slept, she turned to him and said, “Husband, the baby is coming.”
And on her saying so, Nasrudin lit a candle and watched his newborn baby come out.
But minutes later, he watched as yet another baby come out. And just minutes after that, he watched his wife give birth to a third child.
Finally, after seeing three babies ___ , Nasrudin blew out the candle.
“Why did you do that?” asked his wife.
“Well,” said Nasrudin, “while the light was on, one child was born, and then another, and then another. If I had kept it on, who knows how many more there would be!“
The Baby is Crying
Late one night, Nasrudin’s baby started crying.
Nasrudin’s wife turned to him and said, “Husband, go take care of the baby. After all, he is not only mine—he is also half yours.”
Nasrudin sleepily remarked, “You can go stop your half from crying if you want—but as for me, I will let my half continue to cry.”
Man Searches for Joy
One day, Nasrudin began talking to a man from another town. The man lamented, “I am rich, but I am also sad and miserable. I have taken my money and gone traveling in search of joy-but alas, I have yet to find it.”
As the man continued speaking, Nasrudin grabbed the man’s bag and ran off with it. The man chased him, and Nasrudin soon ran out of the man’s sight. He hid behind a tree, and put the bag in the open road for the man to see.
When the man caught up, he located the bag, and his facial expression immediately turned from distress to joy. As the man danced in celebration of finding his bag, Nasrudin thought to himself, “That’s one way to bring joy to a sad man.”
Nasrudin is Taken to Court by His New Wife
About a year after Nasrudin’s first wife died, he married a widow.
As they lay in bed one evening, she said, “You know, my first husband was a really exemplary person.”
Nasrudin, annoyed to hear about her first husband, responded, “Well, my first wife was incredibly lovely and charming.”
“Well,” she replied, “my first husband was a fabulous dresser.”
“My first wife was a tremendous cook,” countered Nasrudin.
“My first husband was a brilliant mathematician,” replied the other.
“My first wife was a masterful organizer.”
“My first husband was remarkably strong.”
And as they both continued trading praise of their deceased spouses, Nasrudin became so annoyed that he pushed his new wife off the bed, causing her to injure her hand.
Infuriated and wanting justice, she took him to the local judge and told him what happened.
After the judge heard her account of what happened, he turned to Nasrudin and said, “OK—now let’s hear your side of the story.”
“Your honor,” Nasrudin said, “we have a bed that fits only two people. But last night, when my first wife and my new wife’s first husband were added, my new wife was pushed off the bed, fell, and hurt her hand.”
Cow Gets Stuck
One day, a cow drinking water from a container got its head stuck in the container’s narrow passage.
The cow’s owner and various passersby noticed what had happened, and some tried to prod the cow’s head out—but alas, the cow remained stuck, much to the
Then Nasrudin walked by.
“What happened,” Nasrudin asked.
“My cow’s head is stuck in that container,” replied the animal’s owner, “and we don’t know what we should do. Mulla, do you have any ideas?”
Nasrudin examined the cow and container, and then said, “Cut off the cow’s head.”
So the man followed Nasrudin’s advice, causing the cow’s head to drop into the container.
“What should I do now?” the man asked.
“Break the container,” replied Nasrudin, “and take out the cow’s head.”
A Burglar in the House
As Nasrudin and his wife lay in bed one night, the latter woke Nasrudin up and, full of distress, said, “Nasrudin-I hear a burglar in our house! Go get him!“
Nasrudin calmly replied to her, “I think we’d be better of just letting him do what he wants. After all, we don’t have anything good for him to steal; and if we’re lucky, he might leave something for us.”
“Don’t be absurd, replied his wife, “That won’t happen.”
“Well then,” said Nasrudin, “perhaps he’ll find something good to steal, and then I can steal it from him.”
Nasrudin Almost Falls into a Lake
One day, Nasrudin slipped and nearly fell into a lake, but was caught by a friend walking next to him.
From then on, every time Nasrudin encountered the friend, the latter was sure to bring up the incident and make a big deal about it.
After months passed and Nasrudin could take no more of this, he led the friend to the same lake, and, with clothes and shoes still on, deliberately jumped right into the water! As he lay in the water, he remarked to the friend, “Now I’m as wet as I would have been if you didn’t save me that day…so for goodness sake, please stop reminding me about it!“
Have You Ever Seen Me Before?
Nasrudin walked into a store one day, and the owner greeted him.
“Wait a second,” said Nasrudin. “Have you ever seen me before?”
“Never,” said the man.
“Then how do you know it was me?” replied Nasrudin.
Walnuts and Watermelons
As Nasrudin rested under a tall walnut tree one day, he looked a few yards to his side and noticed a big watermelon growing on a thin vine near the ground.
Nasrudin looked up and said, “Great God, please permit me to ask you this: why is it that walnuts grow on big strong trees, while watermelons grow on think weak vines. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”
But at that very moment, a walnut fell from high on up in the tree and hit Nasrudin square on the head.
“Ah!“ remarked Nasrudin. “I suppose Nature’s ways might not be as backward as I thought. After all, if a big watermelon fell out of the tree and onto my head, it might have killed me!“
Center of the Earth
Friend: “Nasrudin, do you know where the center of the earth is?”
Nasrudin: “As a matter of fact, I know exactly where it is.”
“Where?”
“Directly under the right hoof of my donkey.”
“What! How can you be so sure?”
“Well—if you don’t believe me, you can measure it for yourself.”
Did You Enjoy the Stew?
Nasrudin was invited to the royal palace for dinner one night. During the meal, the King asked Nasrudin if he enjoyed the stew.
“Yes,” replied Nasrudin, “it was fantastic.”
“Really?” said the King. “I thought it was pretty bad.”
“Yes,” said Nasrudin, “you’re right—it was quite awful.”
“Wait a minute,” remarked the King. “You just said it was fantastic a few seconds ago.”
“That’s correct,” explained Nasrudin, “but I live in and serve the town of the King, not the stew.”
The Crowded Home
Nasrudin was talking to his neighbor one day, and the neighbor lamented, “I’m really having trouble fitting my family in our small house. It’s me, my wife, my three kids, and my mother-in-law-all sharing the same cottage. Mulla Nasrudin, you are a wise man. Do you have any advice for me?”
“Yes,” replied Nasrudin. “Do you have any chickens in your yard?
“I have ten,” the man replied.
“Put them in the house,” said Nasrudin.
“But Mulla,” the man remarked, “our house is already cramped as it is.”
“Just try it,” replied Nasrudin.
The man, desperate to find a solution to his spacing woes, followed Nasrudin’s advice, and paid him another visit the next day.
“Mulla,” he said, “things are even worse now. With the chickens in the house, we are even more pressed for space.”
“Now take that donkey of yours,” replied Nasrudin, “and bring it in the house.”
The man bemoaned and objected, but Nasrudin convinced him to do it.
The next day, the man, now looking more distressed than ever, came up to Nasrudin and said, “Now my home is even more crowded! Between my family, the chickens, and that donkey of mine, there is barely any room to move.”
“Well then,” said Nasrudin, “do you have any other animals in your yard?”
“Yes,” the man replied, “we have a goat.”
“OK,” said the other. “Take the goat in your house too.”
The man once again raised a fuss and seemed anything but eager to follow Nasrudin’s advice, but Nasrudin once again convinced him to put yet another animal in the house.
The next day, the man, now full of _ and _ , came up to Nasrudin and exclaimed, “My family is really upset now. Everyone is at my throat complaining about the lack of space. Your plan is making us miserable.”
“OK,” Nasrudin replied, “now take all of the animals back outside.”
So the man followed his advice, and the next day, he dropped by Nasrudin and remarked, “Mulla-your plan has worked like a charm. With all the animals out, my house is so spacious that none of us can help but being pleased and uncomplaining.”
The Meeting
Nasrudin went to a wealthy man’s home one day for a business appointment. As he walked towards the front door, he looked through a side window and saw the man eating soup.
Nasrudin continued to the front, and knocked on the door.
The man’s son opened it.
“Hi,” said Nasrudin. “I am here to see your father.
“Well,” other replied, “my father went out and won’t be back for many hours.”
“OK,” said Nasrudin, “but tell your father that the next time he leaves the house, he should remember not to leave his head near his home’s window!“
Nasrudin’s Shirt Falls
As Nasrudin and his wife sat in their yard one day, a strong sudden gust of win blew a shirt from their roof clothesline right next to the wife’s foot.
After seeing this happen, Nasrudin began offering thanks to God.
“Husband,” his wife asked, “why are you thanking God after having seen your shirt fall from the roof?”
The other explained, “I am thanking God that I was not in the shirt at the time.”
Nasrudin Preaches
Nasrudin was scheduled to give a religious speech one day to an all-male audience, but had no particular topic in mind.
He thought of one, and began preaching:
“Gentleman,” he said. “We must stop allowing our wives to wear make-up. It is inappropriate, indecent, impure, wicked, and by all means sinful. Any man who let’s his wife wear make-up should be ashamed of himself!“
“But Mullah,” said one of the men, “your wife always wears make-up!“
“Yes, that’s true,” Nasrudin remarked. “And it looks great on her, doesn’t it?”
Pricing the Conqueror
One day, the town’s new conqueror asked Nasrudin, “If I were a slave, how much would I cost?”
“Five hundred dollars,” Nasrudin responded.
“What!“ the conqueror shouted in great anger. “Just the clothes I’m wearing right now are worth five hundred dollars!“
“Yes,” replied Nasrudin, “I factored the clothes into my price.”
Backwards
A group of local men spotted Nasrudin riding on his donkey, but facing the wrong way.
“Nasrudin,” they said, “you are sitting on your donkey the wrong way around.”
“Hey,” Nasrudin replied, “don’t blame me-it’s actually the donkey who is facing backwards.”
The next day, the local men once again spotted Nasrudin riding his donkey backwards. This time, they asked, “So you couldn’t figure out how to make the donkey face forwards?”
“Actually,” Nasrudin responded, “this time he is forwards, and I am forwards as well. It you guys who are facing backwards!“
Complaints About Nasrudin’s Wife
One day, the local people complained to Nasrudin, “Your wife is always walking here and there, going to all sorts of different places. ‘Tis improper for a woman. For God’s sake, Mulla, tell her that she should stop moving around so much.”
“OK,” reaplied Nasrudin. “If she ever comes to our house, I’ll be sure to tell her.”
The Cover Up
A guest of Nasrudin rubbed his shoe on the floor while farting in order to ___ .
“’Twas clever of you to cover the sound with your shoe, “said Nasrudin, “but you also should have figured out a way to hide the smell.”
Nasrudin Eats Dates
A man noticed Nasrudin eating dates with their seeds.
“Why are you eating the seeds“ the man asked.
“Because,” explained Nasrudin, “the merchant who sold them to me included the weight of the seeds.”
Nasrudin Laments
In the days following the death of Nasrudin’s wife, Nasrudin’s friends noticed that he didn’t seem to be very shaken up. However, after his donkey died the following week, he appeared visibly upset and quite unconsolable.
His friends, puzzled by his reactions, asked him why the death of his donkey seemed to upset him so much more than the death of his wife.
“Well,” Nasrudin explained, “when my wife died, everyone consoled me and assured me they would find me another wife in no time at all. But when my donkey died, nobody seemed to care the least bit, and nobody offered to get me a new donkey!“
Grammar
Nasrudin was ferrying a traveler across a lake. As they spoke on various subjects, Nasrudin made a minor grammatical error.
The traveler remarked, “You who wears a turban and calls himself a Mulla-have you ever studied grammar?”
“No,” Nasrudin admitted, “I have not covered that subject in depth.”
“Well then,” the traveler replied,” you have wasted half of your life!“
Several minutes later, Nasrudin turned to the traveler and asked, “Have you ever learned how to swim?”
“No,” the traveler responded.
“Well then,” Nasrudin replied, “you have wasted all your life-for there is a hole in the boat, and we are sinking!“
Nasrudin is Lost
Nasrudin got lost in the jungle one day, and as the hours passed and nighttime approached, he still hadn’t managed to find his way out.
Tired, hungry, and alarmed, Nasrudin knelt to the ground and began praying: “Dear God. Please help me find my way out here. If you do, I promise to pray regularly and be more religious. I give you my word.”
As he prayed, a bird passed over him and dropped some shit right on his head.
“God,” said Nasrudin, “please don’t give me any of that right now-I am seriously lost!“
Across the River
Nasrudin was standing near a river. A man on the other side shouted to him, “Hey! How can I get across the river?”
“You are across!“ Nasrud
in shouted back.
Your Eyes Are Very Red
Nasrudin, suffering from some eye irritation, went to see a doctor.
The doctor took a look at him and said, “Your eyes are very red.”
“Do they also ache?” asked Nasrudin.
Three Times Two
While Nasrudin was staying in another town, a local man asked him what three times two was.
“Four,” Nasrudin replied.
“You are wrong,” the man said. “The answer is six.”
“Actually,” explained Nasrudin, “I am not wrong. We use different type of math where I am from.”
Nasrudin Gets Engaged
Nasrudin, having just got engaged to a new woman in town, went to his fiancée’s home to meet his future mother-in-law.
“Tell me,” she said, “are you sure that this is the first time you are getting married?”
“Yes,” Nasrudin replied, “I swear on my four kids that I have never been married before.”
Nasrudin Offers Friend Strawberries
Nasrudin had a friend over at his house.
“Have some of these strawberries,” Nasrudin said.
“Thank you,” replied the friend, “but I have already eaten five of them.”
“I usually don’t count,” Nasrudin replied, “but you actually ate ten.”
Wrestling Dreams
One day, Nasrudin went to the local doctor and told him, “Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreamt I *dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys.”
The doctor gave Nasrudin an herb and said, “Eat this, and your dreams will go away.”