One of the warriors said, “If I were you, I would have cut off his head instead!“
Nasrudin replied, “Yes, I agree, but it would not have been possible at that time.”
“Why not?” the warrior asked.
“Because someone had already chopped off his head before me!“ Nasrudin replied.
Remember
Nasrudin and his wife were both very competitive, and one time, they decided to play the “Remember“ game.
(each person has to say the word remember whenever the other participant hands him/her an object. )
After several months of playing, Nasrudin decided to go on a long trip and return with a gift, in hopes that his wife would forget to say Remember when she accepted the gift.
A year later, he came home with the gift, sure that his amazing patience and planning would pay off.
When his wife answered the door, she, holding a small baby in her hands, said, “Here is your new son!“
Nasrudin was caught so off guard that he immediately embraced the baby-prompting his wife to immediately exclaim “You Forgot.”
The Beef and the Cat
Nasrudin brought home two kilos of beef one day and told his wife, “Please use this to make kabob tonight.”
While Nasrudin was out, however, his wife used the meat to make a lunch for herself and her friends.
Hours later, Nasrudin returned, and asked whether the kabob was ready.
“I’m sorry,” she replied, but the cat ate it all while I was doing chores.”
Nasrudin grabbed the cat and put it on the scale.
“This cat weighs two kilos,” he remarked. “So if this is the cat, then where is the beef? And if this is the beef, then where is the cat?”
The Tips
Nasrudin went into a bathhouse dressed in worn out clothing.
The bath attendant, taking him to be poor, didn’t give him much care, only throwing him a towel. When Nasrudin was done bathing, however, he gave the attendant a big tip.
The next week, Nasrudin came to the bathhouse again-and this time, the attendant gave him the royal treatment, hoping for yet another jackpot tip.
This time, however, Nasrudin flung a mere dime his way, and gave him a nasty look to boot.
As the attendant stood there with a disappointed look on his face, Nasrudin turned and said to him, “This tip is for the services you gave me last week; the tip I gave you last week was for today’s services.”
The Slap
One day, Nasrudin was walking down the street to work, when out of nowhere, a man came up to him and slapped him right in the face!
A surprised Nasrudin looked at the man.
The man looked back and, quickly realizing that he had mistakenly slapped the wrong man, turned red with embarrassment and immediately offered an apology.
Nasrudin, however, took the man to court.
After explaining his case to the Judge, the Judge made his ruling:
“I hereby order the plaintiff to slap the defendant in the face.”
Nasrudin, however, did not accept; and the Judge, about to lose his patience with Nasrudin, changed the verdict:
“I hereby order the defendant to pay the plaintiff twenty dollars.”
Nasrudin accepted, but the man said that he had to go home to get the money and bring it back.
Half an hour later, however, the man had yet to return; and Nasrudin couldn’t wait any longer.
He went up to the Judge, slapped him in the face, and said, “I am running late and must go, so please accept the twenty dollars on my behalf.”
Religious Beard
The town’s religious leader was preaching to the townspeople one day.
“Religious men have beards!“ he exclaimed. “A thick beard is the outward manifestation of holiness!“
“My goat has thicker beard than anyone in this town,” replied Nasrudin. “Do you mean to tell me that he is more religious than all of us?”
Peach Payment
Nasrudin had moved to a new town and was badly in need of money. After _____ , he agreed to pick peaches off of a local man’s orchard for fifty dollars a day.
However, after he completed a full day’s work and went to collect his pay, the orchard owner told him he didn’t have any money.
“But listen,” he added. “Come back here tomorrow afternoon, and I’ll let you eat as many peaches as you want.”
Nasrudin, quite disappointed, reluctantly agreed; and the very next day, he arrived at the orchard precisely at noon.
Seconds later, he climbed a ladder to the top of a tree, grabbed a peach, and began eating it rapidly.
The orchard owner, quite puzzled by Nasrudin’s behavior, couldn’t help but ask him about it.
“Mulla, he said, “Why in the world did you choose to eat from the top of that tree? Wouldn’t it be easier to just each the peaches on branches closer to the ground?”
“That will not do,” Nasrudin replied.
“And why not,” the man curiously asked.
“Well,” replied Nasrudin, “haven’t you ever heard the saying, ‘If you are sweeping stairs, start from the top.’“
“What does that have to do with this?” the man asked.
“Simple,” said Nasrudin. “Unless I am systematic and start from the top of each tree, how else will I be able to eat every peach in this orchard by the day’s end?”
Are You Me, or Am I You?
One day Nasrudin bumped into another man, sending them both to the ground.
“Oh, excuse me,” Nasrudin said. “Are you me, or am I you?”
“I am me,” the man said, “and as for you, you must be some kind of psycho, asking me such a question.”
“Oh, I am no psycho,” replied Nasrudin. “It’s just that we look similar, and when we bumped into each other and fell, I thought we might have gotten mixed up in the fall.”
What Should I Do?
Nasrudin’s friend was continuously worried and distressed over everything.
One day he went up to Nasrudin and said, “What should I do if I get up early in the morning, and it is so dark that I bump into something and injure myself?”
Nasrudin replied, “Get up later in the morning.”
Mr. Know-It-All
In the middle of a chit-chat session with her friends, Nasrudin’s wife remarked, “My husband always acts like he knows everything.”
Then as she and her friends discussed the matter, Nasrudin walked in asked the ladies what they were talking about.
“Oh,” his wife said, “we were just talking about bread baking.”
“Well,” Nasrudin replied, “then it is fitting that I entered the discussion. After all, I am one of the world’s greatest bread bakers.”
“Oh really?” she replied as she rolled her eyes to her friends. “Well, I’m sure you are. But let me ask you one thing-and please don’t take this to mean I am doubting you in any way.”
“What is it?” Nasrudin asked.
“In all the years we’ve been married, how come I’ve never seen you bake so much as a single loaf of bread?” his wife said.
“That’s easy to explain,” Nasrudin responded. “It’s just that the proper ingredients have never been together at the same time. When there is flour, there is no yeast. When there is yeast, there is no flour. And when there is both flour and yeast, I myself am not there.”
Reverse Burgleration
One night, Nasrudin’s wife woke Nasrudin up and said, “Husband, there are burglars in the house.”
“Are you certain?” Nasrudin replied.
“Yes,” she replied. “They left bundles of other people’s stolen possessions outside our door, and they are in our house right now taking our stuff.”
“OK, I will handle this,” Nasrudin said, as he got out of bed and began climbing out the window.
“Are you going to go contact the police?” his wife asked.
“No“ Nasrudin said. “While the robbers are in our house stealing
our junk, I am going to steal the bundles they left outside.”
Meal Reverse Trickeration
Nasrudin and a few of his buddies went to one of their friend’s homes one night for a dinner of chicken and rice.
As they ate, the friend, wanting to play a little joke at Nasrudin’s expense, snuck the chicken bones from his meal into Nasrudin’s plate. Then, when everyone finished eating, he remarked, “Nasrudin, you’re a real pig! Look at all the bones in your plate-you must have eaten enough for two people!“
“If I am an overeater,” Nasrudin quickly responded, “then what about you? Not only have you been eating like a starved man this entire time, you’ve apparently eaten every bone in your plate as well!“
Camel or Man?
Friend: “Nasrudin, which is wiser: camel or man?”
Nasrudin: “Camel.”
“Why.”
“Because a camel carries loads but does not ask for more, whereas man, even if he is overwhelmed by responsibility, often chooses to add more.”
Hours Into Labor
After hours of labor, Nasrudin’s pregnant wife had still not given birth.
The midwife, full of anxiety, turned to Nasrudin and said, “Mulla, I really don’t know what to do. Do you have any ideas?”
After thinking for a while, Nasrudin ran to his neighbor’s house and came back with a toy in his hand.
Then, as both his wife and the midwife watched in curiosity, he began playing with the toy in front of his wife.
“What in the world are you doing?” asked the midwife.
“Relax-“ Nasrudin replied, “-I’ve got this all under control.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, from what I know of kids, once the child sees this toy, he will jump out and play with it.”
Nasrudin’s Weapon
A conqueror headquartered in Nasrudin’s city was looking for ways to put an end to a rebellion that had started in one of the nearby towns he ruled.
“The people have risen against the governor,” one of his officials explained. “They say they have had enough of his oppressive rule.”
“We should send troops and weapons to quell the disorder,” added a military general. “Once we make your Highness’s presence felt, the revolt will surely come to an end.”
Nasrudin, who was in court at the time, then remarked to the conqueror, “Actually, all of that is not necessary. In fact, I know a way you can end the revolt with just one special weapon.”
“What?” asked the conqueror with great curiosity.
Nasrudin replied, “One person who will be attentive to the people and replace the oppressive governor.”
What Color is my Beard?
One day, a barber was trimming the mayor’s beard at the village palace.
After he finished up, he remarked, “Your beard is starting to turn gray.”
The mayor, enraged to hear this, ordered that the barber be put in jail for one year.
He then turned to a court attendant and asked, “Do you see any gray in my beard?”
“Almost none at all,” the man replied.
“What do you mean ‘almost’!“ the mayor yelled. “Guards, take this man to jail-and keep him there for two years!“
He then turned to another attendant and asked the same question.
“Sir, your beard is exquisite, and is completely black,” the man replied.
“You liar!“ the mayor shouted. “Guards-give this man ten lashes on the back, and put him in jail for three years.”
Finally, he turned to Nasrudin and said, “Mulla, what color is my beard?”
“You Excellency,” Nasrudin replied, “I am color blind, and cannot answer that question.”
Consolation
One day, the conqueror of Nasrudin’s town was hunting with several attendants. He fired his arrow at a duck and missed.
“An unlucky shot!“ one attendant remarked.
“Your bowstring must be worn out,” said another.
“Your horse didn’t stay steady,” added a third.
They all looked at Nasrudin.
“Your highness,” he said, “although you missed that shot, you can console yourself with the fact that you have succeeded so many times throughout the years in killing all of those innocent people.”
Nasrudin’s Loan Repayment
Nasrudin owed his cousin money, but avoided him for weeks. Finally, their paths crossed one day.
“I know you’ve been avoiding me,” said the cousin, “but alas-we have finally run into each other. So how about the two hundred dollars you owe me?
Nasrudin, knowing his cousin to be extraordinarily lazy, replied, “Sure, just follow me back to my house two kilometers that way, and then I’ll be happy to give it to you.”
“Well,” the cousin replied-“actually, I have to get going. Just leave me alone.”
Nasrudin Tries to Steal a Peach
One day, as Nasrudin rode his donkey, he spotted a ripe peach hanging over the wall of someone’s orchard.
He then positioned his donkey underneath it, stood up and grabbed a branch, and reached for the peach with his other hand.
As he did this, however, a noise startled his donkey and caused it to run off, leaving Nasrudin hanging from the tree.
Seconds later, the orchard spotted Nasrudin and yelled, “Thief!“
“What are you talking about? replied Nasrudin. “I am not stealing anything. Can’t you tell by the way I’m hanging here that I have simply fallen off of my donkey?”
Tool Repairman
Nasrudin took his tools to a repair shop one day. When he went to pick them up the following day, the repairman said, “Unfortunately, they were stolen.”
The next day he told his friend about this, and the friend said, “I bet the repairman stole your tools. Go back there and demand that he return them.”
“I cannot do that,” Nasrudin said. “I am avoiding him.”
“Why?” the friend asked.
“Because I still owe him money for my tool repairs,” replied Nasrudin.
The Mayor’s Request
One day, the King called over Nasrudin and said to him, “Mulla, you claim to have mystical powers. Use your powers to catch fish for the starving people in our town.”
“Your Highness,” replied Nasrudin, “you’ve got me confused. I said I have powers. I never said I was a fisherman.”
Nasrudin’s Hurried Prayer
Nasrudin was in a rush one day, and quickly went to the Mosque for an evening prayer session. The religious leader saw his rushed prayer, and angrily said to him, “This is not right-you offering such hurried prayers. Start over again.”
So Nasrudin complied, and when he finished, the religious leader said, “Now, don’t you think that God appreciated this second round of prayers more than the hurried ones you did.”
“Not really,” Nasrudin replied. “Although the first ones were hurried, they were done for God. But the ones that you made me do were done for you.”
The Mayor’s Funeral
One morning, Nasrudin’s wife said, “Husband, hurry up and get dressed. We are running late for the mayor’s funeral.”
“Why should I hurry to get to his funeral?” replied Nasrudin. “After all, he is definitely not going to go to the trouble of attending mine.”
Nasrudin Owes the Government Money
The local government demanded that Nasrudin pay the five thousand dollars worth of back taxes. But after selling off his possessions and applying the proceeds towards his debt, he was still short two thousand dollars.
The mayor called for him and told him to pay the remaining money.
“I don’t have any more money,” said Nasrudin. “All my wife and I have left is three thousand dollars-but that is hers.”
“Well,” replied the mayor, “under our law, a husband and wife share both property and debts-and thus, you must use her three thousand dollars to pay of your debt.”
“But I sti
ll cannot do that,” replied Nasrudin.
“Why not?” asked the mayor.
“Because,” Nasrudin explained, “the three thousand dollars is actually the dowry that I owe her and have not yet paid her.”
Nasrudin’s Donkey is Sick
Nasrudin’s friend noticed him bewailing over his sick donkey.
“Why are you weeping?” he asked. “Your donkey is still alive.”
“Yes,” replied Nasrudin, “but if he does die, then I will have to bury him, and then go purchase a new donkey, and then train it-and with all of those tasks to do, I will have no time for crying.”
Nasrudin Sells Fruit
Nasrudin was selling fruit one hot summer day.
“How much for a cantaloupe?” asked one man.
“Four dollars,” replied Nasrudin.
“That’s outrageous,” said the man. “How can you charge so much? Don’t you have any morals?”
“No,” Nasrudin replied, “I don’t have any of that in stock.”
The Conqueror’s Challenge
The town’s new conqueror said to Nasrudin one day, “Hey Mulla, I have a challenge for you. Offend me in a way that your explanation will be a thousand times worse than the original offense.”
The next day, Nasrudin came to the palace and kissed the conqueror right on the lips.
“What was that!“ exclaimed the conqueror with great surprise.
“Oh,” Nasrudin replied, “excuse me. I got you confused with your wife.”
Three Months
Three months after Nasrudin married his new wife, she gave birth to a baby girl.