I threw my baseball cap into the backseat and fluffed my hair.
To hell with it.
I shouldn’t be in this car, but it was too late now. I could act like I was hiding and embarrassed or look like I belonged there. He got bamboozled. Well, so did I.
Taking out my brush, I teased my hair to make it messier and touched up my makeup in the mirror. My black eye shadow still looked good, but I needed more mascara and some clear lip gloss.
Addie once gave me great advice about makeup. It’s not supposed to make you pretty. It’s supposed to make you prettier. Translation: less is more. I added to my eyes to make them pop, because they were my best feature. But I usually left the rest alone.
My blue nail polish was chipped, and my jeans were holey. But from the waist up in my short-sleeved black T-shirt, I looked okay.
“We got his address from Addie,” Tate said as we pulled up in front of a two-story house near campus. “I guess he decided against the dorms and moved in with some friends.”
I peered through Tate’s window as she parked across the street. This wasn’t Madoc’s father’s house. I’d been there once. This house, although large, was still smaller and the white paint was fresh, whereas the Caruthers’s house was made of brick. This must have been a rental for college students.
Jared and Jax climbed out of the car, and I followed Tate, gripping the door and debating about just staying with the car.
Damn! Damn! Damn! I started bobbing on my toes, and I slammed the door with too much force.
“What do we say? ‘Surprise’?” Tate asked Jared, grabbing his hand.
“I don’t care what you say. I’m gonna break his nose.” Jared stuck his other hand in his hoodie, steam damn near coming from his nose. “This is ridiculous making us all worry like this,” he mumbled.
Jared walked up the steps and pounded on the forest green wooden door, alternating between his fist and the knocker. Jax and Tate flanked him, and I stayed back. Way back.
With my hands in my pockets.
Eyes averted.
And my guilt tucked firmly up my ass.
“Can I help you?”
I spun around to see a young woman, about my age, coming up the walkway behind us.
She was dressed in a short, cute jean skirt and a Fighting Irish T-shirt. Her face sparkled in the sun with gold and navy glitter from the huge “N” and “D” painted on her cheeks.
“Yeah,” Tate spoke up. “We’re here to see Madoc. Do you know him?”
She broke out in a bright, white smile. “I’m sure he’s already at the game.”
“The game?” Jax asked.
I couldn’t dislodge the bowling ball from my throat. Who was this girl?
“Yeah, the soccer game,” she offered, walking past us up the steps. “The team’s been gone since early this morning. I came back for chairs for the after-party. Best get them now. Everyone will be too drunk later,” she laughed.
She hauled up three collapsible lawn chairs from the porch and hooked the handles over her shoulders.
“Madoc’s on a soccer team?”
I almost laughed at Jared’s question. He sounded like he wanted to vomit.
The girl stopped and cocked her head to the side, looking at him like she wasn’t sure what to say. After all, if we were his friends, we would’ve known that he played soccer, right?
“Call Madoc, would you?” Jax approached her, using a smooth voice as he shrugged. “Our phones are dead.”
She pinched her eyebrows together, knowing that he was lying. “Um, okay.”
Taking her cell from the back of her skirt pocket, she dialed and tilted her head to get the phone between her blond hair and her ear.
“Hey, babe,” she greeted, and my heart felt like someone had dug away the bottom and was letting the blood seep out.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Get Madoc, will you?” she asked, and I blinked. “He has friends at the house that want to talk to him for a minute.”
I let out a breath, but I wasn’t sure what the hell was wrong with me. That wasn’t his girlfriend. But why the hell did I care if he had a girlfriend? I just hadn’t thought about it. I hadn’t even entertained the idea that he’d moved on. Of course he would. I guess I thought I’d never have to see or hear of it.
I watched, seeing her smile as she shook her head.
“Well, tell his girlfriend to unwrap herself from him then,” she ordered, and my eyes flared. “His friends here seem . . . intense.” She smirked at Jared, obviously teasing him, but my chest had gone and plummeted all over again.
What the fuck?
Jax came up to the girl and took the phone she offered. “Madoc, it’s Jax,” he said in a serious tone. “I’m at your house. Tate and I want confirmation you’re not drunk, high, or suicidal. Jared’s here, but he could care less. We’ll meet you after your game, or I’ll give Tate a crowbar and set her to work on your car.”
He hung up and tossed the phone back to the girl with the abnormally raised eyebrows.
I spun around and headed down the walkway, taking a right on the sidewalk.
To hell with this.
What a stupid idea. Why did I come here?
“Fallon, wait!” Tate called behind me, but I dug into the pavement harder, quickening my steps.
She grabbed my arm and tried to turn me around, but I kept going.
“Where are you going?” she shouted.
“Back to Chicago! He’s fine. Screwing around as usual.”
The late-morning breeze rustled the leaves overhead and blew my hair into my face as I walked.
Damn him. I couldn’t believe this. I actually came thinking he was hurt or in trouble.
“Fallon.” Tate jogged right in front of me and blocked my way. “I’m confused. What’s going on?”
“He’s fine!” I pointed out, holding out my palm in the air. “Obviously! You were stupid to worry. I told you.”
He’s on a soccer team. No. He’s on the Notre Dame soccer team. And he has a girlfriend! Who has her pretty little preppy self wrapped around him right at this moment.
I’m so stupid.
I veered around Tate and kept walking.
“Stop!” she growled in a deep voice. “How are you going to get back home?”
My steps slowed, and I looked around the neighborhood, searching my brain.
Yeah, I forgot that part. I wasn’t walking back to Chicago.
“Fallon, what’s with you and Madoc?” Tate came around to face me again, her arms crossed over her chest. “Is there something going on between you two?”
“Please.” I tried to laugh it off, but it came out like a croak.
Smooth, Fallon.
“There is, isn’t there?” She smiled knowingly. “That’s what all that commotion was about when you took off with his car that night. And you’re the reason he split so early in the summer.”
I averted my eyes, checking out the super-interesting cracks in the sidewalk. Tate was a friend now. A good friend. And I couldn’t lie to her.
But I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it, either.
“Oh, my God!” she blurted out, obviously taking my silence as a confirmation. “Seriously?”
“Oh, shut up.”
She crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips. “So is it hot?” she prompted.
I rolled my eyes, avoiding the question.
The voice in my dreams crept back into my head. “Sit on the car. . . . Spread your legs.”
Tate must’ve seen the longing in my eyes, because she burst out, “I knew it!”
“Yeah, well,” I jumped in, “it’s not true love, Tate.”
For him, anyway.
CHAPTER 18
MADOC
“Come on, let’s get this over with.” I waved Jared and Jax in to take the punch they wanted to hand out.
I’d just walked out of the locker room after showering and dressing post-game to find them waiting with Tate. I clutc
hed the backpack I had slung over my shoulder and waited. In all honesty, I’d expected them sooner, like a month ago.
Tate walked up to me slowly, and I leaned down to pick her up in a hug.
Bad idea.
Her fist swung out and pounded me right in the arm, making me stumble backward.
“Damn it, Tate.” I winced, hearing Jax laughing in the background.
At least she avoided my nose this time.
“You’re a jerk,” she scolded. “Here we’re thinking you’re in bad shape, and you’re just fine! Playing soccer and partying. What’s the matter with you?”
Still wincing, I rubbed my arm and dropped my backpack. “Nothing. I know I’ve been out of touch, but you shouldn’t have worried. You’re just mad because you missed my hot ass, huh?”
She huffed, and I laughed a little. They cared. Enough to show up at my school and ambush me outside my soccer game. As pissed off as they looked, it made me happy that they’d come.
In truth, I’d known they would. And for some reason, I just couldn’t reach out myself. I didn’t want to hear about how much fun they were having at home this summer. I didn’t want to take the chance of hearing any gossip or news about my father’s divorce.
I missed my friends, and I knew I’d miss them more if I stayed in contact.
That’s how it had to be. Until now.
Jared stepped forward, and Tate placed a casual hand around his waist, bunching up his gray T-shirt.
“Damn right, we shouldn’t have worried, asshole,” he growled in a low voice. “Fallon was right.”
I straightened, my neck heating up. “What are you talking about?”
I hadn’t said her name out loud in months. I’d thought about her, though, even though I didn’t want to.
“She came with us today.” Tate looked too happy to deliver that blow but then tightened her lips. “But she split when it was obvious that you were fine.”
Wait, what?
“Why is she with you?” I shook my head, disbelieving.
“Because Tate and Fallon are roommates,” Jared chimed in, losing patience. “What’s the big deal?”
“What?” I blurted. “She lives with you?”
“Yeah.” Tate let out a bitter laugh. “You two don’t keep in touch much, do you?”
I nodded sarcastically, bending down to pick up my bag. “That’s awesome. She’s living with one of my best friends and hanging out with the other two.”
“Well, she’s been a better friend than you lately,” Jared gritted out. “I can’t believe we had to chase you down like this.”
“Yeah, we better get a good time out of this tonight,” Jax chimed in, shoving his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie.
I barely heard them, the anger pouring in and out of my lungs faster by the second.
I looked at Tate. “Where is Fallon?” I asked.
“She said she was going to walk around until we were ready to leave.” She took out her phone and began texting. “We thought we’d stay the night, but I have a race in Shelburne Falls tomorrow night, so we weren’t staying the whole weekend. But . . .” She looked up. “You seem happy as a clam without us here, so I guess we’ll head back tonight.”
No.
“You’re not leaving. I’ve been a jerk, and I can’t explain right now, but . . .” I nodded. “I want you guys here.”
Tate sighed, looking at her phone. “She’s at the Grotto.”
I blew out a huge-ass breath and tossed Jared my dad’s house key. “You remember where my dad’s house is at, right?” He’d tagged along one weekend when Tate was in France two years ago.
“You all go there,” I said, walking toward my car. “I’ll go get Fallon.”
• • •
The Grotto was a landmark at Notre Dame and a reproduction of a French shrine where the Virgin Mary appeared to Saint Bernadette in the 1800s. For believers and nonbelievers, it was a beautiful spot on campus where people went to pray, meditate, think, or just be quiet for a while.
I couldn’t claim to be churchgoing guy, but even I lit candles there before games and tests.
Just in case.
It’s also where my father proposed to my mother more than twenty years ago. And look how that turned out.
I didn’t know what I would say to Fallon, and I wasn’t even sure what I wanted from this. Did I want her to leave? No. Should I want her to leave? Yes.
She deserved every fucking cold shoulder in the world. What nerve she had showing up here. Blackmailing my father; nearly throwing Jared’s mom under the bus; and jerking me up, down, and all around for her own pleasure.
Sure, I’d spun out for a few weeks after getting to South Bend, but then I’d zoned in on soccer and my friends. I was fine.
And yeah, I’d gone AWOL on my best friends. And sure, I’d barely laughed since being here, but I was still handsome like nobody’s business.
That worked for me.
Walking through the clean-cut lawns, veering down sidewalks under the canopy of nearly bare trees, I spotted the Grotto tucked back into a rock wall.
And Fallon was there.
Not sitting and sulking like I thought she’d be. Or wanted her to be.
No, she was standing in front of the shrine, hands in her back pockets, staring at the sea of candles flickering in the light wind. The Virgin Mary sat perched in her cove above to the right, and I shook my head, smiling at the irony.
People came here to pray. A few individuals were kneeling before the fence separating them from the shrine right now.
I couldn’t yell at her here. Damn.
Sitting down on the bench behind her, I threw my arms over the back and waited for her to turn around.
Her light brown hair blew across her shoulders, and her small hands cupped her ass in her jeans pockets. I closed my damn mouth and swallowed.
“You know,” she started, turning her face to the side, “it’s inappropriate for you to stare at my ass here.”
The couple praying looked over at her and then to me and back down to their hands.
Yeah, pray for us.
“But it’s the only nice thing about you, little sister.”
The couple’s gasp made me want to laugh, and they got up, the woman glaring at me as they walked off. I tightened my jaw, not wanting to admit that this was the first time I’d genuinely laughed in a while.
Fallon’s back straightened, and she turned around slowly, her patient eyes marking me, but I nudged my way in before she got started.
“So what did you think?” I asked. “That I was slowly circling the drain of despair without you?”
She hooded her eyes, embarrassment warming her cheeks. “I shouldn’t have come. Tate was sure you were snorting coke off a hooker’s ass on a daily basis. She bullied me.”
She’d be the expert. I laughed to myself, but then I tensed up.
She talked about Tate like they were friends. Like they had a whole relationship, and I wasn’t aware of it.
Hell, I wasn’t. I dropped the ball, and Fallon picked up what I had let go.
Fallon watched me, and I realized she wasn’t wearing her glasses. She usually wore them in public and only took them off in the bedroom. They were just reading glasses, so she didn’t need them all of the time, but it was like a fashion statement or something.
Now, they were gone. Her eyes were unshielded, and she was beautiful. Always beautiful. Just different now.
“Why would I be off the rails?” I challenged as she approached me. “I’m very happy. Great team, interesting classes, a good girl to spend my nights with . . .”
That was sort of the truth. I loved playing for the team. My classes sucked, though. I was bored as hell, not sure what I was doing half the time, and I didn’t have a girlfriend. I didn’t want one. Friends with benefits was the arrangement Ashtyn and I had. She was a freshman, same as me, and played tennis for the school.
“Yeah, you have it good, Madoc. I’m glad.” She nodded.
“Really, I am.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Believe it or not.” She came to sit down beside me, still keeping a distance. “I do want to see you happy.”
I stared at her mouth and the glint of silver I saw from her tongue. She’d put her tongue ring back in.
The muscles on the inside of my leg twitched because I wanted to touch her. I wanted to feel her tongue. I wanted to feel the ball on it dragging across my skin.
Fuck.
I looked away before responding. “Well, I am. Things are easy here. No bullshit, no drama.”
“Good,” she replied instantly. “I’m sorry they worried.”
Signal the end of the conversation. The mood was dead, and I was angrier than a motherfucker. I was pissed off and elated at the same time.
There was shit we weren’t saying, and fights we weren’t having. She thought she could nip this in the bud with a tidy little bow and walk away, but I wasn’t done.
Who the fuck was Fallon, anyway?
I wanted to come at her. Again and again until she came undone. I wanted her screaming and crying. I wanted to chip away this tough little act until she was red with anger and sobbing miserably.
I wanted her broken.
And then I wanted her shivering and grabbing for me in need.
I stood up and stretched my arms out behind me.
“So I offered everyone my dad’s house for the night. There are some bars to hit with the team, and I want to spend some time with Jared, Tate, and Jax—”
“Well, have fun,” she cut me off.
My stomach knotted. “You’re not staying?”
“No, we brought two cars. I’ll take Tate’s back tonight. I was just waiting to see what everyone else was doing before I headed out.”
I rubbed my jaw, trying to figure out how to keep her here without looking like I wanted her here.
“So stubborn,” I mumbled.
Her eyes shot up to mine. “What do you mean?”
Yeah, what did I mean?
I dug my keys out of my pocket and spoke without looking at her.
“Good-bye, Fallon.” My tone was curt.
Walking past her, I picked my cell out of my other pocket and dialed Jax.