“Yes. One only the two of us know.”
“And what would that be?” I asked, shifting uncomfortably and dragging a pillow into my arms for some added space.
“Do you remember what a heart scarab is?” he asked.
I nodded, wincing slightly as I thought of the brilliant gemstone that had been his. The one I’d removed and tucked into the quiver of arrows. “I do,” I answered.
“We are currently inside yours.”
“What?” I exclaimed, mouth gaping. “How is that possible? I thought I was supposed to be inside my dreamworld.”
“Your dreamworld was seized by the Devourer. She cannot actually do you harm while in it, but she can trap you there, confuse you. Asten had to spin some new dreams to distract her while I helped you to escape here. Now that you are safe, he will find Ahmose in the dream realm and guide him to where we are.”
“How was she able to find me?”
“That’s my fault, I’m afraid. The Devourer has tasted my heart, and because of that she was able to enter the world of my dreams and access yours.”
“I see. So, I know Asten has the power to enter dreams and Ahmose is supposed to find me in mine. That doesn’t explain why you are here now or how she was able to find me through you.”
“I’m here because we are still bound. And…and because I am in possession of your heart scarab.”
“What does that mean, exactly? Are we, like…engaged or something?” I was half afraid to hear the answer, but I needed to know. To understand what was going on.
“You gave me your heart scarab just before you returned to the mortal realm. You wanted me to be able to find you as you were able to find me.” He cocked his head. “What is engaged?”
“It means planning to marry.”
“Ah.” He paused as if considering his next words carefully. “What do you remember of us?”
“Um…nothing. Not really. I just know what the others have told me.”
He set a gleaming hand down on the couch between us, and there was a part of me that wanted to cover it with my own. Instead, I clutched the pillow tighter to my chest.
“Lily,” he said, “it means only what you want it to mean.”
“But what does it mean to you?”
“I’m not sure we should be talking about that right now,” he said dolefully.
“Then what do you think we should be talking about?”
“We should speak of weightier matters. Such as the reason you cannot remember.”
“Do you know why?”
“The heart scarab was only one part of the secret. There’s more. You caught a glimpse of your future when you fought the Devourer. You channeled the power of Wasret for a time, though you do not remember it. The transformation frightened you.” He leaned back and placed his arm along the rim of the couch. If I leaned an inch toward him, his glowing fingers would be touching me. I shifted farther away, and this time I knew he recognized I was avoiding him.
He sighed. “You have a tendency to hide your feelings, Young Lily. You put on an air of confidence at times when you’d rather run. Instead of making peace with your path, and the two who reside in your mind, you broke it and tore yourself away from them.” He hesitated and then added, “And from me.”
I sat immobile listening to his words. I knew they were true, but I wanted to press my hands over my ears and deny them. How could I be such a coward? So weak that I’d rather give up and run away than fight? Maybe there was more to it than what he knew, I thought hopefully. Maybe I had other reasons for running that he wasn’t aware of.
Amon waited a beat and then continued, “Just before you returned to the mortal realm, you channeled the power of the adder stone to take your memories from your mind, then you hid them here, in your heart scarab, and gave it to me for safekeeping. Not even Tia or Ashleigh knew what you’d done.”
“Wait. You’re saying my memories are locked in here? Then why can’t I access them?”
“This is only a dream version. Though there are bits and pieces stored in the murals and carvings. Your lost thoughts will return when I give you back your scarab in person.”
“So,” I said sadly, “I’m a deserter. I’d rather run and hide from my problems.”
“I’d hardly call Seth and his minions mere problems, Lily.”
“Still. I gave up. I ran away to the other side of the cosmos when the gods needed me. When Tia and Ashleigh needed me. When”—I swallowed and looked up at him—“when you needed me.”
“I will always need you. There is nothing shameful about fearing an enemy. Any hero would be a fool not to take his enemy seriously. Especially one as powerful as Seth. Besides, you underestimate yourself. I’d like to think I know your heart better than anyone. It is not a man you fear, even one as powerful as he is.” Amon lowered his head. “It is also not love you fear. This you have given and still give freely.”
I bit my lip then, thinking of Ahmose. Was it possible Amon knew what had happened between me and his brother?
“What you fear is losing yourself,” he said.
“Losing myself how?” I swallowed, marveling at how his words rang true to the deepest parts within me, those I have tried to ignore.
He looked pointedly at the statue. He’d called it the Birth of Wasret. “Oh,” I said. “That.”
Before I realized he’d moved, he stretched out his gleaming hand and touched mine. Warmth stole into my skin, filling my frame with sunshine. The contact was brief, but for some reason it brought tears to my eyes.
“I do not…,” he began and then started over. “We do not blame you for this. There was a time I, too, ran from my destiny. Perhaps if I hadn’t, you wouldn’t be in the position you’re in now. But it’s too late to change our past. All we can do is prepare for the future. And, like my brothers, there are pieces of your future that I cannot see, even with the Eye of Horus.”
Quietly, he admitted, “A part of me was, in fact, happy when I learned that you couldn’t remember. I would rather lose you to a mortal life than lose you so something else, someone else can be born. My lo—my feelings for you are not contingent upon your saving the cosmos. Whatever you choose, whichever path you decide to walk upon, I will support you and be at your side for as long as you allow it. Do you understand, Young Lily?”
There was no denying that this man knew me and cared about me. He somehow discerned what I feared in the deepest parts of my soul, and he didn’t think I was a weakling for it. It was what I needed to hear. I wasn’t sure Asten or even Ahmose would have said the same thing. That it was okay for me not to be the hero. Even Nana hadn’t said that. I was pretty good at recognizing disapproval, even in its most subtle forms. This guy wasn’t going to judge me. He saw who I was, who I could be, and who I wanted to be. But, most important, he gave me the freedom to just…be.
“I…I think I do. But there’s still something you haven’t told me,” I said.
“What is that?”
I took his hand and wrapped it inside both of mine. He looked down at our clasped hands, and I heard his small intake of breath. The cold, hard ruby that was my heart seemed to dissolve into sand. I felt weak inside. Vulnerable. “Why can’t I see you? I mean, I can see Asten and Ahmose, even Tia and Ashleigh in their dreams. Why can’t I see you? It doesn’t make sense.”
Slowly, he lifted his other hand and touched my jaw. I turned to look at his glowing face, relishing the warmth of his touch. “When two people are bound to one another, the way we are,” he began softly, “there is nothing on earth or in heaven that can keep them apart. There is only one reason you can’t see me, and though the reason breaks my heart, I understand it and accept it.”
“What is it?” I whispered.
“The reason you can’t see me, my love, is because you don’t want to.”
“No.” I shook my head, my eyes filling with tears. “You’re wrong. That can’t be it.”
“Shh, Nehabet, be still.” He gathered me in his bright arms and held me close.
I could feel his heartbeat against my cheek. Amon stroked my back and hair, fingers slipping through the loose strands like water, as soft tears trickled down my face.
“Why? Why would I do this to you?” I asked, an unexpected and intense emotion bubbling up inside me like a hot spring. I was angry. Not with him but with myself. My heart pounded, hot and tight, like a wolf chasing prey. I wanted to rip into whatever was causing the pain, but I knew I’d destroy something precious in the process.
“It doesn’t matter,” he murmured in my ear.
“It does matter, Amon,” I said as wrapped my arms around his neck and closed my eyes. “Don’t,” I began and kissed his glowing cheek.
“Don’t what?” he asked tenderly, pulling slightly away.
It was almost painful to look at him and know it was my fault his features were hidden. But I forced my eyes open and said sincerely, “Don’t let me forget.”
He paused only a moment before he lowered his head and his lips touched mine. At first his kiss was light and soft, like a feather brushing against my skin. I wanted more.
Amon seemed to sense my mood, and I was quickly enveloped in sunshine. I could feel it wrapping around me—protecting and soothing but, at the same time, teasing and tantalizing.
I could have happily drifted in the dreamy state that was Amon forever, but he pulled away. When he did, I was dismayed to see he was still just a golden being of light seated next to me on a couch. He stroked my face. “You’ll see me when the time is right.”
Wrapping my hand around his wrist, I looked straight into the place where I knew his eyes should be. “I will figure this out. I promise you.”
“I know you will. And I will wait for you. Until the death of the cosmos, I will wait for you. Do not doubt it.”
“I won’t.”
A chanting voice echoed in the room and light pierced the center of the golden doors. With a resounding boom, they crashed open and Amon rose as if preparing to protect me.
“Lily!” a voice cried. It was one I knew well.
I scrambled to my feet. “Ahmose!”
The big man glanced between the two of us. If he thought it was strange that Amon appeared in the form of a gleaming figure, he said nothing. Or, perhaps, Amon looked like he should to everyone else, and it was only me who saw him as I did.
Amon turned to me and stretched out a hand. I took it and he drew me close. His warmth enveloped me one last time, and I wanted to stay and bask in it. “Go with Ahmose now, my love. Be safe.” He pressed a kiss on my forehead.
“I’ll come find you,” I said.
I couldn’t tell from his face that he smiled, but I heard it in his tone. “I await your arrival with breathless anticipation,” he said, then looked behind me. “Hakenew, Ahmose. Take care of her.”
“I will, of course, brother,” Ahmose answered.
Giving Amon a crooked smile, I then looked past him to Ahmose, who was anything but smiling. “Are you ready, Lily?” he asked, as grave and polite as a starved dog looking for a meal.
“Yes. Let’s go.”
I walked over to Ahmose, and with a backward glance at Amon, I stretched out my hand. Ahmose took it, and a vortex opened up above us. It lifted us into the air. The golden temple disappeared, along with the golden boy I’d left behind.
We spun at a dizzying speed through golden light, but we quickly left that light behind, and I was sad to lose it. Ahmose clutched me tightly, and I pressed my face into his chest, closing my eyes. When we finally slowed, he nudged my chin up. We hovered over a dark beach. A small campfire was crackling quietly, and I spied the unicorns keeping watch over two bodies sleeping beside it.
Ahmose murmured a spell, and one of the bodies lifted into the air. It was mine. A chill crept over me as I saw myself in this out-of-body-experience way. My head drooped, and my hair hung around my face in limp wet ropes. Almost without intending to, my dream self drifted closer and closer to my body until my hand touched a shoulder, and then there was just…me.
I opened my eyes and dropped lightly to the ground, my bare feet sinking into the black, wet sand. I was surprised to see I still wore the thin robe Amon had created for me and not the clothes my real body had been dressed in when I fell from Nebu’s back. Ahmose quickly returned to his own body as well and walked up behind me.
Shivering, I rubbed my arms and stepped away from him to take in our location. The nighttime view was beautiful. A thin crescent moon brushed the surface of the ocean with silver sparkles. The waves were soft and quiet and broke upon the rocks and driftwood trees with a shushing sound that made me feel sleepy. I was so tired. Exhausted in body and mind.
Ahmose moved in front of me, filling my view. He took hold of my shoulders, and asked, “Are you all right?” His face was tight with an emotion that sharpened his features. The closeness we’d shared together before, the emotion that had made me feel as happy and free as a forest sprite dancing beneath a harvest moon, was gone. I knew it and Ahmose did, too.
The sun had been eclipsed by the moon for a while. Now that I knew the sun was there, I could no longer ignore it or the warmth it provided. Without Ashleigh and Tia in my mind, my emotions were my own. I had a new and different perspective. And from what I could see, it seemed like Ahmose did as well.
Even though he held me gently, he was distant. Hard. Ahmose had become an imposing cliff too sheer to even think about scaling. The warmth of his gaze had leached away.
“I’ll be fine,” I managed to say.
His gray eyes spoke volumes, but I couldn’t read the text. The air was thick with tension, and I brought my hands together at my waist and wrung them. I stopped myself and began to play with the ties of my robe instead, unable to maintain eye contact. The space between us was full of blades, and each second we went without talking cut me deeply. When he finally did talk, it was to call out to Ashleigh and Tia. “It’s time, ladies,” he said, turning away from me and looking out at the space around us. “Your host has returned.”
My breath caught. Host? Was that all I was to him? Just a body that housed the girl he really loved? How could he be so cruel? It wasn’t like him. At least, I didn’t think it was. But how well did I know him, really?
He was likely angry. Especially because he’d seen Tia with Asten and me with Amon. Any guy would be upset about that. But didn’t I have a right to be upset, too? He knew it had hurt me to see him with Ashleigh. He’d even admitted as much when he was with her in her dream. I thought there had been something special between us. The us that was Ahmose and Lily. Something new and precious. I’d relied on him. Needed him. I’d thought I was beginning to…beginning to love him.
For one moment I was, if not blissfully, then at least peacefully, alone. The next, my two inner voices were back. My mind suddenly felt too crowded, my thoughts confused. Somehow, I managed to stretch myself to accommodate the two girls, and I felt better afterward for having done so. I was surprised to find I’d missed them.
Ach, Lily, Ashleigh said, a tinge of sorrow in her tone. I’m sorry.
Me too, I replied.
I’m sure the daft boy didn’ mean it the way it sounded, she said.
Tia didn’t add anything, but a soothing purr soon resonated in the space where she curled up comfortably.
It was like having two best friends come over to console you after a heartbreaking experience. While I grieved in my mind and in my heart, the two of them mourned along with me. Tears slipped down my eyes as I thought of what I’d lost. What we’d lost—for all of us had lost something.
We stepped away from Ahmose, leaving him and his searching gray eyes behind, and walked along the beach. Nebu trailed along after us but didn’t speak. Everyone seemed to sense we needed time to readjust. To relearn which pieces of our experiences belonged to us as individuals and which we shared.
Wet sand stuck to my feet. Each step left a footprint at least an inch deep. The water that licked my toes was warm and welcoming. I felt like I was a porous rock and
each sweep of the water filled me. When it receded, I was again empty, bleached, and desiccated. Holes of truth had ripped me open from the inside out, and I wasn’t sure I could fix them.
When we were far enough away, we fused together and used our power to make new clothing. Sand rose and then swirled around me, buffeting my skin almost as painfully as Ahmose’s words had pummeled my heart. I was surprised when I looked down afterward and found I wore a comfortable, warm flannel shirt over a soft tee with a pair of jeans tucked into sturdy yet fashionable boots.
“Thanks, girls,” I murmured and turned around to head back to Ahmose’s small campfire. I patted Nebu’s back and walked alongside him as we returned. By the time I got there I was wearied enough in spirit that it didn’t seem any amount of talking would fix what was wrong. I sank down onto a cloak and cradled my head on my arm. “I’d like to sleep for a while, Ahmose. You should, too.”
He sat down across the fire from me and replied, “You go ahead. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately.”
When I closed my eyes, I was out quickly, though I dreamed I heard Ashleigh’s voice. She was lecturing someone sharply. Her wrath was something I realized I didn’t want to encounter personally, and I felt sorry for whoever it was that had upset her. Eventually, even her raised shouts weren’t enough to drive off my sleep, and the world went dark.
When I woke, it was to the sound of waves and seabirds. My body was stiff, my joints sore. I sat up with a groan and found a stick to stir the cold embers of the fire, but there was no reviving it. Ahmose was gone, as was Nebu, but Zahra was close by.
“Where are the others?” I asked.
They are obtaining breakfast, the unicorn replied.
Ahmose soon returned and set several fish on a rock, then knelt and rekindled the fire. He glanced up at me briefly but quickly looked away, his mouth pursed as if he wanted to talk but couldn’t muster the words. I watched him openly as he gutted the fish and went about cooking them. A nearby seabird was more than happy to scoop up the innards and cawed with excitement as it watched Ahmose with beady black eyes.