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Did he really blame himself? “All strong emotions are closely linked. Passion, rage, fear. They slide into each other. Would it have been better to let them get away?”
“They were children. ”
“They were murderers. ”
“You didn’t have to watch them die. ”
She nodded slowly. “You’re right. I didn’t. So what happened? Did you get in trouble?”
“No. The kids all had serious records, all involving murder. ”
“So you didn’t accidentally shoot someone innocent. ”
“I’m not saying they were decent, I’m saying I didn’t want to have been the one to pull the trigger, and sure as hell not because I was angry. ” He rubbed his temples. “I started drinking more. Eventually I quit the force and locked myself in the bedroom. Carly left and took Emily. God, I missed my little girl so much, but I couldn’t get myself to do anything. I knew if I stopped drinking, I’d have to remember, and there was no way I could survive that. ”
She settled back down on the mattress and rested her head on his shoulder. “So you let her go because it was too painful to focus enough to find her. ”
“Something like that. Nearly as unforgivable a sin. ”
“Is that it?” she asked. “You can’t forgive yourself for what you did?”
“I’m supposed to be one of the good guys. ”
“I think you are. ”
“You’re biased. ”
“In some ways, but not about this. If you hadn’t shot those kids, who’s to say they wouldn’t have turned around and put a bullet in your head?”
He gave her a weary smile. “People with a lot more training than you have tried to convince me I did the right thing. ”
“Let me guess. It’s not working. ”
“No. ”
Men could be so stubborn. She understood he had a lot to work through, but if he didn’t stop punishing him self, those kids might as well have killed him.
“So how did you get here?”
He smiled. “One day someone pounded on my front door and no matter how I yelled he wouldn’t go away. ”
Jill wrinkled her nose. “My father?”
“Uh-huh. I don’t know how he found out what had happened. He said something about keeping track of me. I was too drunk to remember much. He stuck me in a cold shower until I sobered up, then he ripped me a new one. Told me I didn’t have the right to waste a life he’d helped save. Then he offered me the job here and a chance to get Emily back. ”
His mouth twisted. “Sleeping with his only daughter is a hell of a way to pay him back. ”
She leaned close so she could whisper in his ear. “I’ve been married. I don’t think my dad believes I’m still a virgin. ”
“I sure as hell hope not. ”
She grinned. “Trust me. You’re fine. Besides, he’s clear on the other side of the country. He won’t find out. ”
“Want to bet?”
She thought about all the people her father kept in touch with. “No. Not really. ”
He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. “I’m going to lose her. ”
Emily. She squeezed him. “No, you’re not. I won’t let it happen. I’m going to find you the best lawyer I can. ”
“Why bother? I earned this. ”
She pushed into a sitting position and stared at him. “Dammit, Mac, you’re not going to take this lying down. Do you hear me? Didn’t you just do fifteen minutes on how much you love your daughter? How dare you not fight for her?”
He narrowed his gaze. “Jill, I broke the rules. I lost my temper and punched someone. ”
“So? There are extenuating circumstances. You made a mistake, but you can’t just give up. You have to fight. She’s worth it, isn’t she?”
“She’s everything. ”
There was something in the way he said the words. Something in his eyes, as if he’d been haunted by a specific reality all his life. And then she got it—Mac’s universal truth. In his mind the person who wasn’t worth it was him.
“No,” she breathed as she collapsed against him and held him. “Can’t you see how amazing you are? Everyone has flaws, but not everyone is capable of being honorable and owning up to them. ”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. ”
“Don’t I? If you won’t do it for yourself, then do it for her. Don’t let Emily lose her father a second time. ”
He didn’t speak for several seconds, then he nodded slowly. “You’re right. I promised her I wouldn’t go away again and I have to make sure I keep that promise. Even if it means crawling to that prick Hollis. ”
“The crawling is an entertaining visual, but personally I’d go the lawyer route. ”
“I’ll leave that to you. You’re the resident expert. ”
She kissed him and smiled. “You got that right. ”
“I CAN’T BELIEVE he’s here,” Jill said, sounding both surprised and furious as they entered the room for the last pier committee meeting before the celebration the following week. “I want his head on a stick. ”
Mac looked where she pointed and saw Rudy talking to the mayor.
“Hey, I’m the one with the temper,” he reminded her. “You’re supposed to be the cool, collected lawyer. ”
“Not today. I’m still pretty steamed over him playing me for a fool all those years. ” She shrugged. “Okay, I suppose technically I knew what he was, but I never really believed it. Sort of like making friends with a guard dog and then being surprised to find out it has teeth. ”
“Big teeth and deep pockets,” Mac said, watching the mayor laugh at something Rudy said.
Jill clutched his hand. “Are you okay?”
As there were a number of things on his plate right now—the charges, an upcoming meeting with Hollis, a potential run-in with Rudy and the mayor, he wasn’t sure what she meant. Not that it mattered. He’d managed to confess his deepest, darkest secret and she hadn’t turned away from him. Instead, she’d offered support and had believed in him. He couldn’t remember the last time that had happened…if ever.
“I’m fine. ”
“No punching,” she said, her expression earnest.
He grinned. “Not even Hollis. ”
“He’s earned it, but you really shouldn’t. ”
“I promise, I won’t. ” Hollis. He started to laugh.
“What?” she demanded.
“Hollis and his ideas that all cops make lousy fathers. Ironic that he’s wrong about everyone else, but right about me. I do have an anger-management issue and I haven’t always been there for Em. I’ve been so busy hating him, I never bothered to listen to what he had to say. ” His humor faded. “Too bad I won’t be able to tell him. I have a feeling that today’s meeting isn’t going to be fun. ”
“I’m more than willing to come with you. ”
He loved her for offering. “Thanks, but I don’t think showing up with a lawyer is going to help my case. ”
He could offer explanations, but the truth was, he couldn’t talk away what he’d done. He was going to have to find a way to pay the price without losing Emily.
Franklin Yardley moved to the front of the room and called the meeting to order. Mac and Jill found seats in the back.
“I have wonderful news,” the mayor said excitedly. “We have received a large donation that will completely cover the refurbishment of the pier. ”
Everyone else in the room applauded. Beside him, Jill groaned. “Didn’t Rudy already write a big fat check? What is he buying this time? The right to bring in prostitution? I swear I want that man’s head on a stick. A re ally big one. ”
Mac took her hand in his and squeezed. “Deep cleansing breaths. ”
“Do they help?”
“Not with the temper, but eventually you start to hyperventilate and then you have something else to think about. ??
?
She grinned.
The mayor waited until the room had quieted to continue. “I propose that in addition to celebrating the pier centennial next week, we make Rudy Casaccio an honorary citizen of Los Lobos and give him the key to the city. ”
Several people yelled out their agreement. Jill sank down in her seat. “Great. Now we’re going to be the Sopranos—West. ”
THE MEETING SEEMED to go on for days, but it was only about thirty minutes until it ended. While Mac headed out for his meeting with Hollis, Jill worked her way through the crowd until she stood next to Rudy. She took hold of his arm and dragged him toward a side door.
“Hey, Jill,” he said cheerfully. “Where are you taking me? Not that I’m not flattered, but Bev and I…”
She turned to glare at him. “Don’t you dare make jokes with me. ” She saw Mr. Smith trailing after them. “You stay out here. ”
“No can do,” he said, and she realized they were the first words she’d heard him speak.
She eyed the bulge under his jacket and knew it had nothing to do with him being happy to see her and everything to do with an illegal gun.
“Fine, then keep back because I want some room when I yell at your boss. ”
She hated that Mr. Smith glanced at Rudy for confirmation before easing back a few feet when they entered the dimly lit utility corridor behind the meeting rooms.
Rudy, well dressed as ever in chic resort wear, gave her a big smile. “So what’s the problem, Jill? How can I help? Is it Lyle?”
She stared at him. “Help? You think I need a favor? You couldn’t be more wrong. ” She really wanted to punch him or something, but several things held her back. First, the thought that Rudy might hit back and that could hurt. Second, it wasn’t her style. Third, and most important, Mr. Smith and his ever-present weapon.
“You lied to me,” she said, sure she was practically spouting steam. “You said you were here on vacation. You said you liked the town. ”
He looked genuinely baffled. “I do. Very much. ”
“You set up gambling,” she yelled. “You brought organized crime to my town, and nobody does that and gets away with it. ”
He smiled. “Jill, honey. Calm down. You don’t even like being here. ”
“So? This may not be my idea of paradise, but you don’t have the right to screw with people’s lives. How could you do this?”
He frowned. “A couple of card games don’t hurt any one. ”
“They’re against the law. ”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
She couldn’t believe it. “I…you…” Okay, so speaking had just become impossible.
Rudy put his arm around her. “You’re taking this way too hard, Jill. I was having a little fun with your boyfriend. I knew the gambling would piss him off. That’s all. I didn’t mean anything by it. ”
Her boyfriend?
“You leave Mac out of it. ”
“Sure. Whatever you say. We’re practically family. I don’t want you to be upset. Hey, if you don’t want to have gambling here, then it’s gone. ”
Her mind swirled with too much information. There was only one way they could be “practically family” and she didn’t want to think about that.
“I don’t just want the gambling gone, I want you gone. ”
His friendly expression hardened. “That’s not a choice you get to make. I like it here and I’m not leaving. ”
Damn him, she thought. She had no way to make him.
“Then just stay away from my aunt. ”
“Bev’s more than capable to make her own decisions. ” He stepped toward her. “What’s going on, Jill? We’ve always been friends. ”