I felt the prickle of tears in my eyes.
I couldn’t handle this. Not with everything else that was going on. I needed coolheaded Cole back, because hurt, hotheaded Cole was tapping in to all the insecurities I’d been fighting the last few months.
On that thought I whirled around and started pushing back through the crowds. I was almost at the door when something stopped me.
This wasn’t like Cole.
This wasn’t like him at all.
Hadn’t that been my mantra this whole week?
I sucked in a breath and spun around.
There was something more going on here that I didn’t understand.
Praying I wasn’t acting like a too-trusting lovesick fool, I forced my way back through a now-annoyed crowd. The blonde remained, but Cole’s attention was on Rae. He was frowning at whatever she had to say.
That was when he seemed to feel my gaze.
Ignoring the raging swarm of angry nerves in my stomach, I wound my way through the tables while Cole broodily watched me approach. When I came to a stop the twins and Karen said hello. I gave them a distracted nod.
Cole and I stared at each other and the longer we did, the deeper I felt the wound of his avoidance. I’d missed him so much. A whole week without him had felt like forever. It had been painful and frankly unnecessary. I was mad at him as much as he was mad at me and I couldn’t hide it. I flicked a hand to the blonde. “Why?”
He frowned. “We’re just talking.”
“But why are you talking to her and not to me? Why haven’t you answered my calls? Why did you leave? Why can’t we be grown-ups and discuss last Saturday?”
“Not here,” Cole said softly.
“I don’t care,” I snapped, and I didn’t care if we had an audience. “This isn’t you. I came in here, after one of the most awful weeks of my life, and I could have just walked back out again . . . but this isn’t you. I don’t understand what’s going on with you.”
The stark hurt in his eyes made me gasp. “You don’t understand?” He stood up abruptly, slamming his pint on the table. “You don’t understand I’m upset you’re packing your shit and taking off for Glasgow to be with that fucking family—choosing them over us? You don’t understand that might upset me?”
The people around us stopped talking.
I didn’t care. I was too confused to care. “What the heck are you talking about?”
“Rae told me.” He raked his eyes over me, seeming to flinch in pain at the sight of me. “Just go, Shannon. All these months trying to get you to trust me . . . what a waste of my time.”
“I do trust you.” I pushed him—hard—and he stumbled back against the bench seat in surprise. “That’s why I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. Now, what the heck”—I threw a glare at Rae—“did she say?”
“I told him the truth.” She returned my glower. “That you’re leaving us. You were packing last weekend. Or you were before you failed with your dad today.”
“You silly cow,” I hissed, not sure if I was calling myself that or Rae. My gaze swung back to Cole. Now I was pissed. “I was packing my stuff because you said you were going to ask me to move in with you. I was under the impression once you cooled down and realized I was sorry that the offer would still be open.”
Cole blinked, stunned.
I shook my head in exasperation. “It’s you and me. This.” I gestured between us. “This is how we started out and this probably won’t be the last time we have an argument. I have a tendency to think out loud, and sometimes my thought process involves really crap ideas before I get to the good ones. That’s what happened last week. You blew up and I get why, but I never believed we’d stay mad at each other or broken up.” I took a step toward him. I was relieved to see his expression soften. “I trust you, Cole. I trust you because I know you. I love you because I know you. All this time we’ve talked about my trust issues and never about yours. Clearly this proves you have them.” I braced. “So decide, Cole . . . Do you trust me?”
“I don’t know.” His eyes flared at the sound of my hurt gasp and he leaned into me. “You know,” he said, voice low with emotion. “You know everything. You know how she made me feel my whole life, and still you sat there and suggested putting me to one side so you could work on me gaining your family’s approval. She was unworthy of me and still she made me feel like nothing, like I had something to prove. They’re unworthy of you and still somehow you made me feel like the nothing, like I have something to prove. You, of all people.”
“No,” I pleaded, tears blurring my vision. “I never meant for you to feel that way. Not ever again.”
“But I did. And I don’t know what that means for us.”
* * *
“You look like hell.”
I lifted my gaze to meet Logan’s and he winced at whatever he saw in my eyes.
“What happened?”
I ran a trembling hand through my hair. “I’ve messed up. Again.”
“Messed up how?”
“I wanted to make this right for you.” Feeling the burn of tears in the backs of my eyes, I fought them. I was sick of crying. It felt like I’d spent the last four nights crying. “You wanted our family back, and I wanted to give that to you. I owe you that. But I don’t think I can, Logan.” I shook my head, anger stinging in my blood. “They gave me an ultimatum. Them or Cole. Them? They’ve never once asked me how I’ve coped with Ollie’s attack. Not once. They act like I was asking for it or something.”
Logan’s violet eyes darkened with anger and I knew it wasn’t directed at me. I knew because the anger mingled with disappointment. I’d seen that look on his face many times over the years when he was thinking about our parents.
I took a shuddering breath. “Because I hesitated I’ve lost the only guy who’s ever really loved me.” Losing the battle with my tears, I swiped at them in frustration, unable to meet Logan’s gaze. “Cole broke up with me because of them.”
“Shay, I don’t understand . . .”
So I told him everything.
“I was happy, Logan,” I concluded. “I felt guilty for being happy while you’re in here and I wanted to do something for you, but I can’t do this. I’ve screwed it up with you, with them, and with Cole.” I tugged on my hair. “Ugh, maybe it’s not unsalvageable. I mean Cole’s gone, so Mum, Dad, and Amanda will accept me back into their lives. Maybe we can be a family again.” I’ll just bury my resentment.
“Shannon.” Logan grabbed for my hand and my full attention. Concern was written all over his face. “You’re looking and acting like you haven’t slept in days.”
I pulled gently on his hand. “I’ve only ever had two people in my life that I adore . . . and I’ve hurt them both. I put you in prison and I broke Cole’s heart.” I swatted at my tears. “And I can’t stop crying. It’s ridiculous. Even Rae’s being nice to me. That’s when you know you’re pathetic.” I shrugged. “Stu’s probably going to fire me anyway. The atmosphere between me and Cole at work is horrendous and Stu warned me he’d get rid of me if I was causing problems wi—”
“Can you please shut up for two minutes?” Logan interrupted, scowling at me. “One: I’m not going to repeat this again. You did not put me here. I put me here. Two: Shannon, I would never have asked you to do anything that would make you unhappy to make them happy. As long as you and I are good, what does it matter?”
“But you said—”
“You didn’t have to take it so much to heart. I didn’t realize how guilty you’ve been feeling. I mean, I knew you felt guilty for some fucked-up reason, but I didn’t realize it was this deep-seated. Sweetheart.” He shook his head. “You’ve got to let that go.”
I was silent. There was no point replying, because I couldn’t give him the assurance he was looking for. I felt remorseful. That feeling wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
“As to Cole . . . I’ve never seen you this bad before. I’d never seen you as happy as I had last time either
, so I can tell this guy is different. Forget everyone else, Shannon. Go back to Edinburgh and make it right with him. And when you do, come back here and let me thank the guy who’s been taking care of my wee sister while I can’t.”
I smiled tremulously. “Were you always this awesome?”
Deadpan, he said, “Wise since birth, wee ane. Wise since birth.”
I laughed softly and then stopped at a sudden, terrible thought. “He’s not going to take me back. I don’t know how to make him see how much he means to me.”
Logan winked. “Go big . . . or go home.”
CHAPTER 26
T he Georgian town house on Dublin Street was stunning. Beyond stunning. I couldn’t stop gawping at the gleaming dark hardwood floors and the expensive but simple furnishings.
The gorgeous property belonged to Joss and Braden and was currently filled with the couple’s closest friends and family, who were there to celebrate the birth of baby Jarrod. I’d gate-crashed and was incredibly worried I was about to vomit all over their hardwood floors.
Joss didn’t seem too concerned I’d gate-crashed. In fact, she got this almost satisfied sparkle in her gaze when she opened her front door and found me on the stoop.
“I’m here to go big or go home,” I said without preamble.
She grinned and stepped aside. “Then by all means come in.”
The noise from the sitting room jolted me as I followed the hostess into it. Light streamed in from the huge floor-to-ceiling windows situated on opposite ends of the long room. Nate, Liv, Mick, and his wife, Dee, were chatting to Cole and Cam, who was holding Belle in his arms by the old Georgian fireplace. Dylan led Elodie across the room toward Luke, William, and Bray, who were huddled around toys on the floor. Clark, Declan, and Marco stood laughing by the nearest window at whatever Braden was telling them, while Jo sat perched on the armchair Ellie was sitting on as they ate finger food. Squeals of laughter sounded from the back of the room where Beth, Lily, and January were watching a Disney movie on the large television. Beth had little Sophia in her arms.
As if he sensed me, Cole glanced over. He stiffened at the sight of me and I braced myself. A hush fell over the room as the adults noted my presence.
“Cole, Shannon is here to see you.” Joss stared him down on my behalf until his feet started moving toward me.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, appearing a little shell-shocked to see me.
The dark circles that had been under his eyes all week hadn’t gone anywhere and his usual scruff was turning into a beard. It was selfish of me, but I was relieved he wasn’t dealing well with our separation either.
I licked my dry lips, glancing around at everyone staring at us. Finally I looked up into Cole’s handsome face. “I’m here because I love you, and I need to ask you something.” I took a deep breath. It was time to go big.
I lowered myself to one knee.
Cole’s eyes grew round and I heard a few female gasps behind him. “Shannon, what—”
“Cole Walker, I once told you in fear that you were nothing, but there has never been a day of your life that that was true and there has never been a day I’ve ever really thought that. You’ve been extraordinary to me since we were fifteen.” I smiled shakily, feeling vulnerable and frightened but hopeful too as he stared down at me with growing tenderness in his expression. “Apart from Logan I’ve never had a real family. The kind you can count on through everything. The kind that gives you second, third, fourth chances because the other option is no option at all. Because they love you and they’re there for you. Unconditionally. Logan was the only one who ever gave me that. Until you. You’re my family, Cole. I want you to be my family forever.” I laughed hoarsely. “I don’t have a ring or anything. I just have me. And I know I’m not perfect and I know you deserve perfect . . . but I love you more than anyone else in this world and I promise you I’ll never let you forget that again.” My heart slowed its rapid beating as a sense of calm came over me. A sense of rightness. It was as if I’d found the balance I’d been missing ever since I got in that car and left Cole behind on that stoop on Scotland Street all those years ago. “It’s always been you, and I always want it to be . . . Marry me, Cole.”
Everything seemed to freeze around us as Cole’s glittering gaze stayed locked on mine. He lowered himself to his knees and slid his hand over my leg while his other cupped my cheek. I leaned into his touch. “You really know how to get a guy’s attention . . . between that hair and the proposal . . .” He grinned.
I curled my fingers around his wrist. “Was that a yes?”
He tugged me toward him and I braced my hands on his chest. “Even though you stole my thunder . . .” He nodded and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. “Yes, Shannon.”
Euphoria swept over me as Cole kissed me again, this time long and hard. I kissed him back with abandon, barely even aware of the laughter and celebration of his family all around us.
* * *
My fingers curled into the bedsheet and I gasped, my head falling back against Cole’s shoulder as he moved inside me. We lay on our sides, my back to Cole’s chest.
It was intoxicating—like he was all around me, inside me, a part of me. His scent was everywhere, his heart beat at my back, and his hand caressed my breast. I was aware of everything—the roughness of the hair on his legs brushing against the soft skin of mine, the sound of his breathing as it quickened, the thick, all-encompassing sensation of him inside me.
Overwhelming.
Pure.
True.
In a way nothing ever had been before.
When I came around him my pulse throbbed so hard it reverberated in the base of my throat.
“Shannon,” Cole panted. “Oh, f-fuck,” he stuttered out as he tensed seconds before he climaxed.
Damp from sweat, I found it a small kind of relief when Cole bunched my hair in his hand and lifted it off my neck so he could kiss me there. Since our return from Joss and Braden’s and our reconciliation/engagement, we’d gone at each other like lust-starved teenagers. First he pinned me against the wall of his hallway; then he carried me to his bed, where we’d screwed each other’s brains out.
Finally our urgency eased as we silently reassured each other. We’d made love slowly, leisurely, and somehow it was the most erotic part of the whole evening.
Cole shifted as if to pull out of me and I put my hand on his hip to stop him. “Stay,” I whispered.
“Inside you?”
I nodded, grabbing his arm and tugging it around my waist.
Catching on, Cole took me with him as he moved to switch off the light. He then settled, spooning me.
My eyes were just drifting closed when he spoke into the dark. “You were right. What you said about me trusting you. I didn’t even realize it until you said it.”
Fully alert, I ran the tips of my fingers along his forearm. “It’s okay.”
“I need you to understand something. I need you to understand why I reacted the way I did, why I didn’t give myself time to think. See . . .” His voice grew low. “All those years ago on Scotland Street when I stepped out of Ellie’s door and you turned around, I thought—” He cut off abruptly, subconsciously tightening his hold on me.
“You thought?”
“I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a cheesy idiot.”
“I just proposed to you without a ring or an actual plan in front of your whole family. There’s no judgment here.”
He laughed, his breath puffing against my neck. “True.” He kissed me again. “When you turned around, it was like you’d . . . I don’t know, like, you’d been conjured from air or something just for me. I can’t explain it. I just knew that you were meant for me,” he confessed. “To me it was like you were there to make up for all the bad stuff that had come before you. But then just like that you went away and I guess I believed that made more sense than anything good ever could. At the time anyway. I grew up and grew out of that broody shit.”
He gave me a squeeze and I wondered if he could hear how hard and fast my heart was pumping in my chest.
“And then you walked back into my life and I wanted you. Because I felt drawn to you still. It was, and is, powerful, Shannon. I’ve never felt like that with any woman.
“Jo, Hannah, Liv, all of them are special to me and I’ve always had reasons to trust them. But you . . . Someone tried to break you, take you away from yourself, and in a way take you away from me. I guess I’ve just been waiting for you to stop trusting me because it doesn’t seem possible that I get to keep this dream.” He leaned over and I turned my head to meet his gaze, feeling so much more for this man than I’d known it was possible to feel. “I’m sorry if I let you down lately.”
“No.” The tears came and I let them fall. “Cole, you could never let me down. Do you know what it means to me that you see me that way? Don’t you get it? You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever met—you’re kind and smart, loyal and compassionate, and strong and talented and brave and forgiving. You’re everything I ever wanted from life, and that you feel the same way back . . . All my life I’ve been scared and I never knew why.” I smiled through my tears. “I’m not scared anymore.”
He crushed my lips beneath his, his groans of joy surrounding me like everything else about him.
Once he was finished showing his appreciation for my words, my confession, I settled back, clasping his arm tight to my breasts, and I promised him, “I meant what I said. I’ll never choose anyone over you. My family should care enough not to put me in that position. I’m going to see them next week and that’s exactly what I’m going to tell them.”
I felt Cole’s hesitation and he didn’t even have to say what he was thinking. I just knew.
“Don’t worry. This is what I want. Logan wants this for me too. The contention between me and my family doesn’t need to affect my relationship with my brother.” I relaxed deeper against my pillow. “Cole . . . they’ve never given me what you’ve given me. Not once. You’re worth it.” I smiled into the dark of our bedroom. “You’re worth every bad thing that’s ever happened to me, because going through them led me to you.”