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HUMOROUS HITS
AND
How to Hold an Audience
HUMOROUS HITS
AND
How to Hold an Audience
A COLLECTION OF SHORTSELECTIONS, STORIES ANDSKETCHES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
By
GRENVILLE KLEISER
_Author of "How to Speak in Public"_
_THIRTEENTH EDITION_
FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANYNEW YORK AND LONDON
COPYRIGHT 1908 BYFUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY_Printed in the United States of America_Published March, 1908
INTRODUCTORY
In preparing this volume the author has been guided by his own platformexperience extending over twelve years. During that time he has givenhundreds of public recitals before audiences of almost everydescription, and in all parts of the country. It may not be consideredpresumptuous, therefore, for him to offer some practical suggestions onthe art of entertaining and holding an audience, and to indicate certainselections which he has found have in themselves the elements ofsuccess.
The "encore fiend," as he is sometimes called, is so ubiquitous andinsistent that no speaker or reader can afford to ignore him, and,indeed, must prepare for him in advance. To find material that willsatisfy him in one or in a dozen of the ordinary books of selections isan almost impossible task. It is only too obvious that many compilationsof the kind are put together by persons who have had little or nopractical platform experience. In an attempt to remedy this defect thisvolume has been prepared.
It is believed that the book will be valuable not only to the amateurand the professional reader, speaker, elocutionist, and entertainer, butalso to the after-dinner and impromptu speaker, the politician who wantsto make a "hit," the business man who wishes to tell a good story andtell it effectively, the school-teacher in arranging her "FridayAfternoon" programs, as well as for reading aloud in the family circle,and for many other occasions.
Providing, as this work does, helpful hints on how to hold an audience,it is hoped that the additional suggestions offered regarding the use ofthe voice and its modulation, the art of pausing, the development offeeling and energy, the use of gesture and action, the cultivation ofthe imagination, the committing of selections to memory, and thestanding before an audience, while not as elaborate and detailed asfound in a regular manual of elocution, will be of practical benefit tothose who can not conveniently command the services of a personalinstructor.
The author has been greatly assisted in this undertaking not only by thekind permission of publishers and authors to use their copyrighted work,but also by the hearty cooperation of many distinguished platformspeakers and readers who have generously contributed successfulselections not hitherto published.
The author gratefully acknowledges the special permission granted him bythe publishers to print the following copyright selections: "KeepA-goin'!" the Bobbs-Merrill Company, "A Modern Romance," the Publishersof _The Smart Set_; "The Fool's Prayer," Houghton, Mifflin & Company;"Mammy's Li'l Boy," and "'Spaecially Jim," the Century Company; "CountingOne Hundred," the Lothrop, Lee & Shepard Company; "At Five O'clock Tea,"the Publishers of _Lippincott's Magazine_.
GRENVILLE KLEISER.
_New York City, February, 1908._
CONTENTS
PAGE
INTRODUCTORY v
PART I--HOW TO HOLD AN AUDIENCE
THE VOICE 4
THE BREATH 6
MODULATION 8
PAUSING 10
FEELING AND ENERGY 11
GESTURE AND ACTION 12
IMPERSONATION 13
ARTICULATION AND PRONUNCIATION 13
IMAGINATION 14
HOW TO MEMORIZE A SELECTION 16
BEFORE THE AUDIENCE 18
PART II--HUMOROUS HITS
THE TRAIN-MISSER _James Whitcomb Riley_ 23
THE ELOCUTIONIST'S CURFEW _W. D. Nesbit_ 24
MELPOMENUS JONES _Stephen Leacock_ 25
HER FIFTEEN MINUTES _Tom Masson_ 28
THE FOXES' TAILS _Anonymous_ 29
THE DEAD KITTEN " 33
THE WEATHER FIEND " 34
THE RACE QUESTION _Paul Laurence Dunbar_ 35
WHEN THE WOODBINE TURNS RED _Anonymous_ 38
CUPID'S CASUISTRY _W. J. Lampton_ 39
WHEN MAH LADY YAWNS _Charles T. Grilley_ 39
WATCHIN' THE SPARKIN' _Fred Emerson Brooks_ 40
THE WAY OF A WOMAN _Byron W. King_ 42
THE YACHT CLUB SPEECH _Anonymous_ 43
MAMMY'S LI'L' BOY _H. S. Edwards_ 44
CORYDON _Thomas Bailey Aldrich_ 47
GIB HIM ONE UB MINE _Daniel Webster Davis_ 49
A LESSON WITH THE FAN _Anonymous_ 50
THE UNDERTOW _Carrie Blake Morgan_ 51
MARKETING _Anonymous_ 52
A SPRING IDYL ON "GRASS" _Nixon Waterman_ 52
INTRODUCIN' THE SPEECHER _Edwin L. Barker_ 54
COUNTING ONE HUNDRED _James M. Bailey_ 57
THEY NEVER QUARRELED _Anonymous_ 58
SONG OF THE "L" _Grenville Kleiser_ 60
THE VILLAGE ORACLE _J. L. Harbour_ 62
IF I CAN BE BY HER _Benjamin Franklin King_ 65
MCCARTHY AND MCMANUS _Anonymous_ 66
AND SHE CRIED _Minna Irving_ 68
DOT LEEDLE BOY _James Whitcomb Riley_ 69
MR. DOOLEY ON THE GRIP _Finlay Peter Dunne_ 73
A RAINY DAY EPISODE _Anonymous_ 75
I KNEW HE WOULD COME IF I WAITED _H. G. Williamson_ 76
LOVE'S MOODS AND SENSES _Anonymous_ 77
A NOCTURNAL SKETCH _Thomas Hood_ 78
KATIE'S ANSWER _Anonymous_ 79
"'SPAeCIALLY JIM" " 80
AGNES, I LOVE THEE! " 81
THE GORILLA " 82
BANGING A SENSATIONAL NOVELIST " 83
HOPKINS' LAST MOMENTS " 84
THE FAIRIES' TEA " 85
COUNTING EGGS _Anonymous_ 86
THE OATMOBILE " 87
ALMOST BEYOND ENDURANCE _James Whitcomb Riley_ 89
PROOF POSITIVE _Anonymous_ 90
THE IRISH PHILOSOPHER " 91
BELAGCHOLLY " 93
A PANTOMIME SPEECH " 93
THE ORIGINAL LAMB " 95
WHEN PA WAS A BOY _S. E. Kiser_ 95
THE FRECKLED-FACED GIRL _Anonymous_ 96
WILLIE _Max Ehrmann_ 98
AMATEUR NIGHT _Anonymous_ 98
BOUNDING THE UNITED STATES _John Fiske_ 101
DER DOG UND DER LOBSTER _Anonymous_ 102
HE LAUGHED LAST " 103
NORAH MURPHY AND THE SPIRITS _Henry Hatton_ 104
OPIE READ _Wallace Bruce Amsbary_ 107
THE VILLAGE CHOIR _Anonymous_ 108
BILLY OF NEBRASKA _J. W. Bengough_ 110
DOT LAMBS VOT MARY HAF GOT _Anonymous_ 112
GEORGA WASHINGDONE " 113
DA 'MERICANA GIRL _T. A. Daly_ 114
BECKY MILLER _Anonymous_ 115
PAT AND THE MAYOR " 116
THE WIND AND THE MOON _George MacDonald_ 118
TOTAL ANNIHILATION _Anonymous_ 120
UPS AND DOWNS OF MARRIED LIFE " 121
THE CROOKED MOUTH FAMILY " 122
"IMPH-M" " 124
THE USUAL WAY " 125
NOTHING SUITED HIM " 126
A LITTE FELLER " 126
ROBIN TAMSON'S SMIDDY _Alexander Rodger_ 127
A BIG MISTAKE _Anonymous_ 129
LORD DUNDREARY'S LETTER " 131
SLANG PHRASES " 133
THE MERCHANT AND THE BOOK AGENT " 134
THE COON'S LULLABY " 136
PARODY ON BARBARA FRIETCHIE " 137
BEFORE AND AFTER _Charles T. Grilley_ 139
WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK _Anonymous_ 140
MR. POTTS' STORY _Max Adeler_ 141
AT FIVE O'CLOCK TEA _Morris Wade_ 143
KEEP A-GOIN'! _Frank L. Stanton_ 145
A LOVER'S QUARREL _Cynthia Coles_ 146
CASEY AT THE BAT _Phineas Thayer_ 147
FAMILIAR LINES _Anonymous_ 149
A FRIENDLY GAME OF CHECKERS " 150
MODERN ROMANCE _Henry M. Blossom, Jr._ 152
LULLABY _Paul Laurence Dunbar_ 153
THE REASON WHY _Mary E. Bradley_ 154
HOW A BACHELOR SEWS ON A BUTTON _Anonymous_ 154
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS " 155
THE FLY " 156
THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL" _W. S. Gilbert_ 157
I TOL' YER SO _John L. Heaton_ 160
"YOU GIT UP!" _Joe Kerr_ 161
PRESENTATION OF THE TRUMPET _Anonymous_ 162
DON'T USE BIG WORDS " 163
DER MULE SHTOOD ON DER STEAMBOAD DECK " 164
THE NEW SCHOOL READER " 165
THE POOR WAS MAD _Charles Battell Loomis_ 167
LIDES TO BARY JADE _Anonymous_ 168
"CHARLIE MUST NOT RING TO-NIGHT" _Anonymous_ 169
A SHORT ENCORE " 170
MY DOUBLE, AND HOW HE UNDID ME _Edward Everett Hale_ 171
ROMANCE OF A HAMMOCK _Anonymous_ 173
FINNIGIN TO FLANNIGAN _S. W. Gillinan_ 175
AN INTRODUCTION _Mark Twain_ 177
THE HARP OF A THOUSAND STRINGS _Joshua S. Morris_ 177
THE DIFFICULTY OF RIMING _Anonymous_ 179
SO WAS I _Joseph Bert Smiley_ 181
THE ENCHANTED SHIRT _John Hay_ 183
DEB OAK UND DER VINE _Charles Follen Adams_ 185
THE SHIP OF FAITH _Anonymous_ 187
HE WANTED TO KNOW " 188
AN OPPORTUNITY " 190
GAPE-SEED " 190
LARIAT BILL " 192
THE CANDIDATE _Bill Nye_ 193
ONE AFTERNOON _Anonymous_ 196
NOT IN IT " 198
A TWILIGHT IDYL _Robert J. Burdette_ 199
LAVERY'S HENS _Anonymous_ 201
LISP " 202
THEY MET BY CHANCE " 203
THE BRIDEGROOM'S TOAST " 203
REHEARSING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS _Stanley Huntley_ 204
THE V-A-S-E _James Jeffrey Roche_ 206
PAPA AND THE BOY _J. L. Harbour_ 208
THE OBSTRUCTIVE HAT IN THE PIT _F. Anstey_ 210
HULLO _S. W. Foss_ 213
THE DUTCHMAN'S TELEPHONE _Anonymous_ 214
DOCTOR MARIGOLD _Charles Dickens_ 216
THE RULING PASSION _William H. Siviter_ 219
THE DUTCHMAN'S SERENADE _Anonymous_ 220
WIDOW MALONE _Charles Lever_ 222
HIS LEG SHOT OFF _Anonymous_ 224
THE STUTTERING UMPIRE _The Khan_ 225
THE MAN WHO WILL MAKE A SPEECH _Anonymous_ 227
CARLOTTA MIA _T. A. Daly_ 228
THE VASSAR GIRL _Wallace Irwin_ 229
A SHORT SERMON _Anonymous_ 231
A LANCASHIRE DIALECTIC SKETCH " 232
HIS BLACKSTONIAN CIRCUMLOCUTION " 233
KATRINA LIKES ME POODY VELL " 234
AT THE RESTAURANT " 235
A-FEARED OF A GAL " 237
LEAVING OUT THE JOKE " 238
THE CYCLOPEEDY _Eugene Field_ 239
ECHO _John G. Saxe_ 244
OUR RAILROADS _Anonymous_ 245
WAKIN' THE YOUNG 'UNS _John C. Boss_ 247
PAT'S REASON _Anonymous_ 249
QUIT YOUR FOOLIN' " 250
SHE WOULD BE A MASON _James L. Laughton_ 251
HENRY THE FIFTH'S WOOING
_Shakespeare_ 254
SCENE FROM "THE RIVALS" _Richard Brinsley Sheridan_ 258
SCENES FROM "RIP VAN WINKLE" _As Recited by Burbank_ 261
PART III--SERIOUS HITS
IF WE HAD THE TIME _Richard Burton_ 267
THE FOOL'S PRAYER _Edward Rowland Sill_ 268
THE EVE OF WATERLOO _Byron_ 269
THE WRECK OF THE JULIE PLANTE _W. H. Drummond_ 271
FATHER'S WAY _Eugene Field_ 272
I AM CONTENT _Carmen Sylva Translation_ 274
THE EAGLE'S SONG _Richard Mansfield_ 275
BREAK, BREAK, BREAK _Alfred, Lord Tennyson_ 277
VIRGINIUS _Macaulay_ 277
THE WOMEN OF MUMBLES HEAD _Clement Scott_ 279
WILLIAM TELL AND HIS BOY _William Baine_ 282
LASCA _F. Desprez_ 284
THE VOLUNTEER ORGANIST _S. W. Foss_ 287
LIFE COMPARED TO A GAME OF CARDS _Anonymous_ 289
OLD DADDY TURNER " 290
THE TRAMP " 292
THE DANDY FIFTH _F. H. Gassaway_ 293
ON LINCOLN _Walt Whitman_ 296
THE LITTLE STOWAWAY _Anonymous_ 296
SAINT CRISPIAN'S DAY _Shakespeare_ 299
THE C'RRECT CARD _George R. Sims_ 300
THE ENGINEER'S STORY _Rosa H. Thorpe_ 303
THE FACE UPON THE FLOOR _H. Antoine D'Arcy_ 306
THE FUNERAL OF THE FLOWERS _T. De Witt Talmage_ 309
CATO'S SOLILOQUY ON IMMORTALITY _Joseph Addison_ 311
OPPORTUNITY _John J. Ingalls_ 312
OPPORTUNITY'S REPLY _Walter Malone_ 312
THE EARL-KING _Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe_ 313
CARCASSONNE _M. E. W. Sherwood_ 314
THE MUSICIANS _Anonymous_ 315
ON THE RAPPAHANNOCK " 317
COMO _Joaquin Miller_ 319
AUX ITALIENS _Owen Meredith_ 322