“No way,” I said as Líle shook her head. “No oblivion waters. Never again.”
Líle grinned, and a spark of colour lit up her eyes for an instant. I leaned back in my seat and hugged Scarlet, feeling as though maybe some things were going to get better. I had been trying to avoid thinking about what would happen when we arrived. Facing Sadler wasn’t exactly my favourite idea, but as I closed my eyes and inhaled my daughter’s scent, I knew it was my only option.
Someone shouted my name outside, and I leaned out of the open window. Brendan sat on Dubh, who trotted alongside the carriage. The large faery horse whinnied as if in greeting.
I reached out as far as I could and managed to brush my fingertips against his neck. “Missed you, shithead.”
“And what about me?” Brendan asked with a grin.
“I thought you were leading,” I said.
“I need to keep an eye everywhere. After all, there’s a king, two queens, and a miniature princess in these carriages. It wouldn’t do to lose any of them along the way.”
“Best not lose the miniature princess, or there’ll be an angry wannabe queen after your blood.”
“You’re not a wannabe. You married a branded king, just as the other queen did. You’re no different from each other.”
“I think she’d beg to differ.”
“Contrary queens generally do.” He looked ahead, his eyes gleaming. “I’ll leave you here, Cara. Dubh and I need to blow off some steam. I’ll see you when we stop to eat.”
He galloped away, leaving me feeling a little bereft. I sat back in my seat and caught Zoe’s eye. She raised her eyebrows in question, but I ignored her.
Three hours later, I was already feeling as though I might be going a little mad.
“This is the longest trip ever,” I complained. “If I was on Dubh, I’d be halfway to the Hollows already.”
“We can’t take shortcuts,” Grey Eyes said. “Our path is longer than a sole rider could take.”
“What about you?” I asked. “You know plenty of shortcuts.”
She smiled and patted her bundle. “I won’t be leaving just yet. On the way back, I’ll return home for a time. I miss my sisters, and they’ll want to hear all about our little princess. And the little lordling, of course.”
“How do you think Setanta is doing?”
“Better now that Scarlet is here. She has a gift of her own.”
I frowned. “Like?”
“He’s stronger around her. The Darksiders will be very proud of their little princess.”
Zoe burst out laughing. “I can’t believe my best friend is a queen. This is just bizarre.”
“Go home, Zo,” I said, glaring at her. “Before you go all cray-cray on us.”
“I’m not losing my mind,” she said scornfully. “Maybe keeping that from happening to me here is Scarlet’s second gift.”
“She’s just a baby.” I squeezed Scarlet, but she struggled to get out of my arms. “She needs to grow up before people start using her.”
“I was joking,” Zoe said, sounding shocked.
“I know,” I said. “But I wasn’t.”
***
By the time we made our first stop, I was starving, partly from boredom. Being carried around like royalty was as dull as dirt. I wished I could wander away and explore, but the soldiers had formed a strict perimeter. Some of the servants had made fires. Drake was busy giving commands, and Sorcha was following him around like a puppy.
“Ugh.” I made a face as I watched. “Sickening.”
“Jealousy is a bad colour on you,” Zoe said. “Scarlet’s still asleep. I say let her. At least she can eat while we’re travelling and break up the journey a little. The carriages are comfy at least, right?”
I nodded, but I was thinking longingly of riding ahead on Dubh. With Brendan.
A shout sounded from the nearby forest, and a small group of soldiers arrived with Brendan in the lead. They dragged a deer behind them on a travois. Brendan dismounted and headed to the stream to clean up, leaving Dubh with a groom.
“Save me some food,” I told Zoe before heading over to Dubh.
I sent the servants away to tend to him myself. I still thought of him as my horse.
“Really did miss you,” I whispered as he nibbled on my hair.
“Need a hand?” Bran asked, coming up behind me.
“If you like,” I said. “He’s kind of an arse, though. He might bite.”
“I’ll take my chances.” Bran expertly removed the saddle, and Dubh stood placidly and let him.
“You really are an arse, Dubh,” I said, amused.
“He knows me,” Bran admitted. “I’ve been the one taking him out for exercise most often. Nearly everyone else is terrified of him. How is the carriage?”
“Dull as fuck.” I started rubbing Dubh down. “If it wasn’t for Scarlet, I wouldn’t set foot inside there.”
“It’s not so bad,” he said. “There are thunderclouds ahead. You’ll be glad of the protection soon enough.”
“I know. I’m just bored.”
“It’s not the most exciting journey, but that just means it’s a safe one.”
“You’re right,” I said. “I shouldn’t complain.”
“No point pretending everything is fine.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Looks like the food is being passed around. You’ll be one of the first to eat.”
“Let the people who’ve done all of the work eat first,” I said sharply.
“Rebelling again?” Brendan asked.
I hadn’t heard him approach, which kind of worried me. I really should be more alert, even with all the soldiers on guard. I turned to look at him. His eyes were almost feverish. He didn’t belong in a stuffy court all day.
“No,” I said. “I just don’t see the point in us eating first when all we did all day was sit on our arses and be waited on hand and foot.”
Brendan laughed. “You really are bored.” He nodded at Bran. “Well, you heard the woman. Go spread the word. Those who work hard eat first.”
Bran hesitated, probably wondering if Brendan was serious. But the king kept a straight face, so Bran hustled off.
“You’re making fun,” I accused.
“Never,” Brendan said, stepping closer to me. “I just wanted to get you alone.”
“Why?” I brushed Dubh a little too harshly. He stamped his feet in protest, not that I could ever hurt the monster.
“Remember the days when we rode together?” Brendan whispered, inching even closer. “I miss those days.”
“That was a long time ago,” I said, knowing full well that he was just high from the hunt. “That was a different version of me.”
“Cara…”
Without responding, I strode away and got into the carriage, trying to control the spike of anger that kept bubbling to the surface. I didn’t want the reminders or the weakness.
As I sat on the bench next to my sleeping daughter, Zoe appeared in the doorway. “Hey, I saw you stalking off from the tall, hunky king. Still pining for the one you can’t have?”
I blinked, surprised by the harshness of her tone. “What?”
“I’m getting a bit sick of you.” She got in and sat across from me, her expression stern.
I swallowed hard. Zoe might be a lot of things, most of them on the cheerful end of the spectrum, but when she had something to say, there was no avoiding her.
“Remember when we were about twelve or thirteen, and we’d have sleepovers in Fiona’s house?” she asked.
I smiled. “Yeah, of course. We’d wreck the kitchen, baking terrible brownies that we’d force ourselves to eat just because we spent forever making them.”
“Right, but it was Fiona’s big brother we really went there for. He was, what, four years older than us? We’d talk about boys and spy on him with his girlfriend, and you swore he was the only boy you could ever like out of everyone we knew.”
I shifted uncomfortably. “I had forgotten about t
hat… crush.”
“Yeah, that crush.” Zoe shook her head. “So we were sixteen, and he was single, and he came on to you at Fiona’s birthday party, and you acted as though he were the lamest creature on the planet. You told him you weren’t interested and never would be.”
“He was… too old for me. I just didn’t care when I was an idiot twelve-year-old.”
“And how old is Scarlet’s father?” She shook a finger at me. “And remember how well you got along with Eoin back in the day? How did that end up, eh?”
“Zoe, what the hell is your point?”
“My point is that you like the unavailable. When anyone shows interest, you run a fucking mile. You literally have no clue how to handle anything remotely normal.”
“That’s not fair.”
She arched one eyebrow. “Isn’t it?”
The hairs on my arms rose. “I’ve never claimed to be perfect. I think I’m doing pretty well considering my upbringing.”
“You can’t use your family as an excuse forever. The standoffish, must-protect-myself-at-all-costs bit is getting tired. That’s always been your thing, you know? When someone’s not that into you, they’re okay. They’re safe.”
I made a sound of disgust. “Safe? Your biggest problem with me, according to you, is that I’m not safe enough.”
“Before Scarlet, you were reckless with everything but your heart. You’ve never, since I’ve known you, actually gotten together with someone you liked who was going to stick around. It’s like you’re terrified to even risk it. And that would be okay if it wasn’t making you absolutely miserable.”
I leaned back, feeling as though I had been punched in the gut. “I haven’t done anything wrong. Why are you acting like I’ve personally offended you?”
“Because I’m your best friend, and all I want is for you to be happy.” She shook her head. “But you’re your own worst enemy. You’ll obsess over the married one, the one you got pregnant by when you thought he was going to die, the one who told you there was never a chance you could be together, but you run a mile from the one who actually shows an interest in you and Scarlet, the only one who can actually make you smile. You need to sort that out, Cara, before you end up alone.”
My best friend climbed out of the carriage and left me with tears in my eyes. That she was right about me just made it all so much worse.
Chapter Seventeen
The rain lashed at the carriage roof, and Zoe was still in a bad humour. Fiadh had made some comment about my using my “charms” to get my way with Brendan, and Anya was being pathetic about Arlen. All of that contributed to my own wretched mood. Everything was getting on my nerves, mostly the fact that I was stuck in a carriage while everyone on horseback got to move fast. We would never reach Sadler at the rate we were going. And a part of me never wanted to get to our destination.
Zoe kicked the sole of my boot. “Stop being so mardy. You’ve nothing to moan about.”
I gave her an exasperated look. “Have you really lost your mind? Do you not remember what we’re doing here?”
She cracked her knuckles and pressed her lips into a thin line. It had been a long time since I had seen her so agitated. My knee rapidly bounced up and down; maybe I would be the one to lose it.
A shout sounded from nearby. I poked my head out the window, blinking away raindrops, and saw a couple of figures in the trees.
“Bran,” I called out, “what’s going on?”
“We’re being watched,” he said, his face tense. “Stay out of sight.”
An hour later, the rain had grown heavier. But the tension around the trooping fae seemed to ease a little as time passed with nothing happening.
Out of the blue, Bekind hissed and arched her back. Something hit the door, and the carriage slowly rolled to a stop. We all stared at the door, then it opened to reveal a short male faery with a beak-like nose and over-sized ears protruding from a hood that appeared to be made from some kind of scaly skin. He didn’t wear the colours of any court, and his eyes bulged when he spotted Zoe. He reached for her, and the sounds of swords being drawn echoed around us.
“Don’t even think about it,” I snapped. I raised my leg and kicked him hard enough to send him flying away from the carriage. “Líle, stay here,” I ordered then leapt out after the man.
“Cara!” she shouted.
Ignoring her, I slammed the door behind me. The ugly little fae pounced on me, leaping up and grabbing my upper arms. I twisted out of his grip and punched him in the eye. Grimacing, he put his head down and barrelled into me, knocking us both into the mud. I wrestled with him, taking all of my aggression out on his body. Once I pinned him, I hit him again and again, furious at the thought of the way he had looked at Zoe. I hadn’t spent the last year in the human realm feeling like a victim, and I wasn’t about to let some faery turn my best friend into one.
Somebody lifted me out of the mud. I got one last kick in at the attacker.
The fae’s face was covered in mud and blood. “She’s a madwoman!” he spluttered.
I yanked my arms from Arlen’s grip. “What the hell is going on? This little…” I landed another kick. “He tried to take Zoe!”
Brendan came around the side of the carriage. “Solitary fae grouping together to waylay travellers.” He looked me up and down then laughed. “You’re a little dirty, Cara.”
“For the love of the gods, get that creature away from me,” the little fae pleaded. “She’s a demon.”
Bran ran over to us, out of breath. “Sorry. I was surrounded. But these were no fighters. Only thieves.”
“Are you all right?” Brendan sounded more amused than concerned.
“I’m fine,” I said through gritted teeth.
But I was more than fine. I felt better than I had since I stepped inside the stupid carriage. I clenched my fingers, wincing with pain.
“You hurt yourself,” Brendan scolded, taking my hand.
A flush of heat ran through me, and I moved away from him. I headed back to the carriage, desperate to get myself together. Zoe was watching from the window, frowning, but she didn’t understand. I had come too far to be weak. I couldn’t make that mistake again.
***
Zoe tutted as the tents were pegged down. “You know, I kind of expected them to use those beds you take apart and bring with you. At least then we’d be comfortable. Kind of.”
I gave her a scornful glance. “Who does that?”
“Duh. Royalty.” She turned and walked back toward our carriage.
I followed. “Okay. I get it. I push people away. But I didn’t push you away. Not ever.”
“And was that because I was safe enough, Cara? Was it because I was easy to leave and not so easy to care about?”
“How can you say that? You know I care about you. You’ve always been my best friend, whether I deserved it or not. I would do anything for you.”
“You left me. More than once.”
“Not by choice.” I winced. “At least, not really. I love you, Zo. This trip is going to be tough enough without you giving me the cold shoulder.”
Her blue eyes held a mixture of disgust and pity. “I would never give you the cold shoulder. Never.”
“Then what is it?”
“You’ve changed.” She moved closer and lowered her voice. “You’re so cold. Look at you with Brendan, and even with Anya. You won’t let yourself care. And then that fae who attacked us. You looked as though you wanted to kill him, as though you were enjoying hurting him. I thought you were scared, but you were smiling. And when you told me the plan, how they wanted you to lead them to Sadler so they could kill him, I knew you couldn’t do it. Knew it without a doubt. But you’re looking forward to it.”
“Zoe, I—”
“It’s written all over your face! You’re pissed because it’s taking so long to get there, to see him die. Are you freaking kidding me, Cara? This isn’t normal. You’re not going to walk away from that unchanged.”
&
nbsp; “I don’t have a choice.”
“We always have a choice. You’re the only one who gets to choose what you do with this anger you have that’s eating you alive. I know you’re upset. I know you went through a lot. I know Sadler deserves to be punished. But you’re letting your hate control you. You were never like this before. Look at how your dad behaved; you never allowed it to beat you down like this. You’re letting Sadler win, Cara. You’re letting him change you.”
“You don’t get it. It’s not just about me anymore. I have to protect Scarlet at all costs. He’ll always come after us. It’s pretty here, but it’s all for show. There’s dirt under the beauty. We’re living in a hovel with a fresh coat of paint. That’s how this world goes. We’re not home, Zoe. We’re not. We’re in a place where murder isn’t murder if you have a good reason for it, or you know, if you’re a king.”
“Or a queen?” She raised an eyebrow. “This place is beautiful. It’s the people who bring the ugliness. Are you really willing to be a part of that?”
“It’s not like it would be the first time. I killed Deorad, remember? I know you didn’t know him, didn’t know this place, so it isn’t real to you. In fact, probably nothing here is real to you. It’s so pretty and fake that you think nothing can touch it, that nothing can taint it, but I see through it. I see everything clearly.”
She shook her head. “Do you see yourself clearly anymore?”
I remembered the mirror, my dark reflection, the person I was capable of being, the person I was trying to be, and I nodded. I saw through myself best of all.
***
Snores from the other side of the tent woke me. Scarlet lay next to me on a fur with Bekind sleeping beside her. When I sat up, so did Bekind, her black ears pricked.
“Just need to pee,” I whispered, grabbing my dagger from my under my pillow.
Bekind curled up again and closed her eyes. I got up and carefully stepped over sleeping bodies until I reached a gap in the tent. I peeked outside and saw some soldiers gathered around a fire. More of them stood farther away, passing around some kind of pipe. I spotted Bran joking with one of the silver soldiers by the carriages. We had made camp at a spacious stretch of grass near a crossroads, and most of the guards were on the lookout for passing travellers.