He was waiting on a toxicology report, a ballistic report, had two subpoenas to sign off on--pending an inquest he had yet to do--an in-box filled with inquiries from dozens of agents from Unit Alpha, and was scheduled for two court appearances this week, one involving a defense attorney who wouldn't piss on Hudson if he were on fire, all because Hudson dared turn him down for a date. It wasn't even lunchtime.
What he needed was another cup of tea and a bed he could crawl back into. What he didn't need was a lecture from Nina. Last night he'd spent several hours catching up with Julia, and it had been wonderful, a ray of sunshine to his drab and cold existence. All right, that's enough of that. He was done feeling sorry for himself. Too bad he wasn't done with this blasted hangover. He'd been so swept up in his conversation with Julia, he'd forgotten to hydrate, and was paying dearly for it this morning.
"What were you thinking?"
Hudson groaned as he took a seat behind his desk. He glanced at his tablet and the blinking blue light denoting freshly arrived e-mails, then promptly turned it over. Last time he checked his in-box, he'd wanted to howl mournfully and curl up on himself. "I was thinking, 'Here's a good-looking bloke who wants to dance with me. I'm pissed. Why not?'"
"You know that's not what I'm talking about."
Hudson cursed under his breath. "First Dex, now you. I don't see what was so blasted terrible. Seb and I are not together, Nina." He was clearly not going to get any work done until she said her piece.
"And who's the one stopping that from happening?"
Hudson removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm not having this conversation."
"You never want to have this conversation." Nina flopped down into the chair across from him.
"Because it's none of your bloody business," he snapped. "Not anymore."
"That's not true." Her voice softened. "You're my closest friend. You can't pretend like the last ten years didn't happen."
Hudson scoffed.
"Don't be petulant," she ground out.
Hudson peered at her. "You lied to me, Nina. For months."
"You know why I did. I said I was sorry, and I am."
Hudson reclined back in his plush chair, his arms crossed. "Well, that's not good enough."
"What do you want from me? What more can I do to show you how sorry I am? Please, Hudson. You and him, you're the most important men in my life. Don't make me choose. I love him."
Hudson stilled. He looked up at her and saw tears in her deep brown eyes. "You... really love him?"
"Yes." She took his hand, a tear rolling down her flushed cheek. "It tore me up inside, not being able to tell you, but I never expected to.... I never thought I would fall for him. The more I got to know him, the more I realized what he put out there for everyone to see wasn't the man he was. He needed me, Hudson. He was all alone, in so much pain, terrified. How could I turn my back on him?"
Hudson had never seen her like this. Nina was sweet, but she was also an incredibly strong woman, one who could have easily been out there in the field with any of Unit Alpha's Defense agents, facing down threats. But she preferred the quiet of the lab, studying, dissecting, evaluating, investigating, reconstructing events, scenarios, causes of death. She was meticulous, and her sense of humor meshed perfectly with his. They kept each other and the other examiners from getting lost in the horrors they faced on the job. She was lighthearted, always smiling, laughing, playful, and the last person Hudson would have imagined could fall for a man like Rafe Hobbs.
"Do you love him or pity him?"
Nina's glare was indignant. "I do not pity him. Do you pity Seb?"
"Seb and Rafe are nothing alike."
"Really? You, me, the Hobbs family, we're the only ones who know how much pain Seb endures every day just walking, because if he didn't push through it, he'd have a permanent limp. He goes to physical therapy every week, and the only reason he doesn't take the needed level of pain pills is because he wants to stay in the field and not have it affect his job. So he suffers through it."
Hudson's jaw clenched, but he remained silent.
"When he'd come to your office, almost on a daily basis, I teased you that you two couldn't keep your hands off each other, but I'm not stupid, Hudson. You think I didn't see his eyes when he left here? I pretended not to know the real reason he was in here was because with you he felt safe enough to cry his fucking eyes out because his body hurt so goddamned much."
"That's enough," Hudson said quietly, the back of his eyes stinging. He didn't need a reminder of the pain the man he loved suffered, or of how much Hudson wished he could take that pain from him.
Nina leaned forward, gripping his desk's edge tightly. "What you feel right now is what I feel every time I see Rafe wince. It kills me that I can't do more. All I can do is be there and show him how much I love him. I didn't tell you because, as much as I adore you, Hudson, you can be spoiled and selfish sometimes."
Hudson stared at her. "I beg your pardon?"
"You reacted like I thought you would. It's all about you and how you feel. Rafe is going to end up like Thomas, and you're upset I chose to protect him. He didn't want to bring his family any more heartache. He didn't want his brothers treating him different or patching things up just because they pitied him. I did what you would have done for Seb."
"I--"
Nina put up her hand to stop him and stood. "Don't. Don't treat me like an idiot."
"I would never," he protested angrily, standing.
"Then don't act like you've always told me everything. I'm not saying I needed to know everything, because I didn't. What went on between you and Seb was none of my business. As long as you were happy, I was happy. But you always did things your way, no matter what anyone said. You listened, but you still went ahead and did whatever the hell you wanted. Always."
"That's bollocks. How can you say that?"
"Really? Can you name one time you argued with Seb where you didn't get your way?"
Hudson frowned deeply. "There were plenty of times."
"Like?"
"I can't remember every disagreement we had. If he thought I was so bloody wrong, why did he give in?"
"Because he's crazy about you! The man was so damn head over heels in love with you that he'd give in, even if he didn't agree, just to make you happy. That's not a sustainable relationship, Hudson, and I think deep down you know that." Her gaze was unwavering as she leaned her hands on the desk. "That's the real reason you won't give him another chance, because if you fuck it up this time, that's it. There's no going back."
Hudson's temper flared, and he slammed his hands on the desk. "That's enough! I don't know where you've gotten that ridiculous notion, but it couldn't be any further from the truth, and I am done explaining myself to you. I hope you and Rafe are bloody happy together, because you deserve each other."
Nina flinched. She straightened to her full height. "I know you meant that as an insult, but it's not to me. He's a good man, who deserves to be loved. He treats me as his equal. We're a partnership. He's not a self-righteous asshole."
Her words stung, and he opened his mouth for a rebuttal but instead only a choked sound escaped. His vision blurred, and he dropped down in his chair, turning away from her in the hopes of gaining some control over his emotions. He was so damn tired. This wasn't like him at all. Last night at Dekatria, Seb's words, hearing from Julia again, Alfie's death replaying itself in his nightmares over and over.... He'd barely slept. It was all catching up to him. A soft touch to his cheek startled him, and he was taken aback to find Nina kneeling beside his chair, her beautiful face void of anger or disdain. She cupped his face, wiping a tear from his cheek with her thumb.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "You're right. Everything you said...." For years he'd been telling Seb what they'd had was broken, unfixable, and somewhere inside him he feared that had been the case, even before the incident that tore them apart. They loved each other fiercely, of that he had no doubt, bu
t Nina was right. Hudson had always pushed, and Seb gave in. What a fool he was, believing he'd changed. That coming to the States would give him a new life, a different one, but he hadn't changed at all. He and Seb had been happy, but how long would it have lasted with Hudson's incessant need to push, to be right, to be so bloody perfect? And Seb gave in every time. Was that really what he wanted from Seb?
Tears clung to the thick black lashes of Nina's hooded, almond-shaped eyes. How could Rafe's heart not melt? She was beautiful inside and out, kind, and selfless, unlike Hudson. Nina never hesitated in putting someone else's needs before her own. She wanted to take care of everyone. She deserved to be happy, and if she'd found that with Rafe, Hudson should be excited for her. Who the hell was he to judge? In fact he should be the last person to judge anyone's relationship. God, when had he become such a mess?
"I'm sorry I pushed you away. I missed you." Hudson sniffed, and his heart swelled when she threw her arms around his neck, squeezing the breath out of him. How could he have been so petty? So pigheaded? It hit him how terribly he'd missed her, missed them, their friendship. He'd been walking around with a Nina-shaped hole in his heart, wallowing in his own self-imposed misery, and he hadn't even realized what an arse he was being.
"I love you," Nina said between sniffs before kissing his cheek.
"I love you too." He wiped at his face and smiled up at her when she stood. "Do you forgive me for being such a pillock?"
She chuckled and nodded, leaning against his desk, her delicate, long fingers gripping his hand firmly. "You know I do." She worried her bottom lip, and he gave her hand a gentle tug.
"You can tell me."
"How long are you two going to keep dancing around each other?"
It was a perfectly valid question. One Hudson didn't know the answer to. Actually, he did. "I'm afraid to let him go, Nina, but I'm even more afraid of... of having him. You're right. We were broken, and not just because of what happened. Even if we somehow moved past the guilt of that day, we can't go back to how things were. We'd never last, and knowing it's over for good would kill me. At least now I have hope. What will I have if things don't work out? If neither of us has changed? I haven't changed. You've said so yourself." His heart ached, and the mark on the back of his shoulder blade burned. He'd spent so long refusing to think about what had been and what could never be that the very real possibility of not having Seb in his life terrified him. His inner wolf stirred, whining softly.
"It doesn't mean things can't change," Nina suggested softly. "But you need to decide, Hudson. This can't go on. He gets close, and you let him, only to push him away when you get scared." She leaned in to cup his face. "Honey, you're living half a life. You deserve more."
Hudson nodded. What else could he say? More importantly, what could he do?
"Come on, I know something that will cheer you up." She grabbed his hand, pulled him to his feet, and led him to the door.
"It's all right, love. I--"
"Dex has leftover cookies from last night's party."
"Oh." Hudson smiled. "Well, in that case, he really should share." They strolled down the corridor arm in arm, and for the first time in months, he could breathe again. Maybe there was hope for him after all.
THE REST of the day had gone better than expected and was a vast improvement on his morning. After confiscating several of Dex's biscuits--a result of Hudson and Nina making big puppy eyes at him--they returned to the lab with their tasty treats. They'd been rushed off their feet the rest of the day, but having Nina chatting and laughing with him again made all the difference.
Hudson was in high spirits, and it was still light out when he left work. He dropped by the market on his way home and picked up some vegetables and beef. The rest of the ingredients he needed, he had at home. He hadn't made Cornish pasties in a while.
Thomas and his boys loved Hudson's homemade pasties. Of course, when he used to make them, it was usually over at the Hobbs house, because the number of ingredients and pasties required to feed four tiger Therians was staggering and certainly not something he could do without help. Julia and Seb always pitched in, though Hudson spent a good portion of his time threatening the brothers with imminent bodily harm if they continued to eat his ingredients.
For now, he made enough for Thomas and a few extras in case one of the boys dropped by. His pasties were secured in a large insulated container he'd slipped into a sturdy rectangular carrier bag that he held on his lap as the cab headed for the Hobbs residence. The butterflies in his stomach fluttered wildly, and he took a deep breath when they arrived. Hudson paid the driver and thanked him before getting out with the large bag. It had been so long since he'd been here.
Fortifying his nerves, he walked up the pavement to the front steps. The door opened before he reached it, and Julia stood with her hand to her mouth and tears in her big hazel-green eyes. He reached the top step and smiled.
"Hello, Julia." His voice cracked, but he managed to keep from bubbling like a baby. She took the bag he handed her, placed it on the table next to the door, then flung herself at Hudson. He caught her with a chuckle and held her as she squeezed him tight. When she pulled back, her wobbly smile made his chest hurt.
"Oh, sweetie, it's so good to see you." She cupped his face. "Just as handsome as the last time I saw you."
Hudson swallowed hard. "I wanted to see you and Thomas. I brought him some pasties."
"Julia, is that a crazy new air freshener, or do I smell Cornish pasties?"
Julia laughed. She stepped aside, and Hudson walked in, his heart squeezing at the way Thomas's smile lit up his handsome face when he saw Hudson. It was hard not to get teary-eyed. His own father had never looked at him the way Thomas Hobbs did. As if nothing made him happier than seeing his son home, because to Thomas, Hudson had been another son. He liked to remind Hudson often, as if knowing Hudson needed to be reassured he was wanted.
Thomas drove his electric wheelchair forward and stopped in front of Hudson. He looked up at him, the same emerald-green eyes he'd gifted his sons bright with unshed tears.
"It's good to see you, son."
Hudson pressed his lips into a thin line to keep himself together, but that was made difficult when Thomas lifted the armrests of his electric wheelchair and held his arms out. Hudson didn't hesitate. He crouched next to Thomas and threw his arms around him, burying his face against Thomas's broad chest. Thomas's arms were strong, and being hugged by him was like being enveloped in a protective bubble, like nothing could touch Hudson because Thomas was there to chase away the monsters lying in wait under his bed.
Thomas petted Hudson's hair before releasing him, his smile wide when Hudson stood. He took Hudson's hand and gave it a squeeze. His smile fell away.
"We wanted to come see you when you were in the hospital, but Seb.... He thought it would be best if we didn't."
Hudson nodded. He shoved his hands into his pockets, regret filling him. "He was right. It would have been too difficult. It was hard enough having him there." Hudson cleared his throat. "He wouldn't leave my side."
Thomas nodded his understanding. "I expected no less of him. Thank you for saving his life. I don't know what we would have done without either of you."
Unable to stand the heartache in Thomas's face, Hudson pointed to the bag behind him. "I made you my Cornish pasties."
Thomas's eyes sparkled, and he grinned like a little boy. He put the armrest with the controller down and moved to the table to take the bag and place it on his lap. With a deadpan expression, he met his wife's gaze.
"If the boys ask, these were never here."
Hudson laughed, watching as Thomas headed for the kitchen, calling out over his shoulder, "Especially Ethan. That boy eats more than the other two combined. I swear he has a black hole where his stomach should be."
"He's a growing boy," Julia cooed, following Thomas into the expansive country-style kitchen. She took the bag from him and placed it on the island counter.
Thomas let out a snort. "Growing boy my butt. Darling, he's thirty-six and almost as big as Seb." He wrapped an arm around her waist and tugged, lifting his face for a kiss, which his wife happily gave. Hudson all but melted, leaning against the counter and wondering how Julia and Thomas did it. They'd been through so much--losing everything, watching their boys have to work before they were of age, working through Ethan's selective mutism and social anxiety, through Thomas's condition. How had Julia and Thomas Hobbs survived all that and still looked at each other as if they were falling in love for the first time?
At the first crisis that hit them, Hudson and Seb had crumbled under the weight. Hudson cleared his throat, fidgeting from one foot to the other.
"How do you do that?" he asked softly. Propriety scolded him for being so intrusive and brash, but he was desperate to know.
They turned to him, Julia's hand on Thomas's shoulder and her expression tender.
"How do you forge ahead, never losing yourselves or the love you have for each other, after... everything?"
No question what Seb would look like when he got older--Seb and Ethan were both the spitting image of Thomas Hobbs. At sixty-five years old, Thomas was a handsome man, with a square jaw and green eyes that sparkled with life and mischief. His once-black hair was now salt-and-pepper, and although some of his leg muscles had deteriorated over the years due to his condition, he was still a tiger Therian, strong-bodied and strong-willed. Much like Ethan refused to allow his condition to define him, Thomas refused to be defined by his Therian Acheron Syndrome. Life had never been easy for the Hobbs family, but they endured, always together.