"Oh," I said. "Right," I added, but I couldn't help agonizing about it. Geraldine had made such a point of my keeping my walls uncluttered, and she hated posters.
"Maybe we shouldn't change anything," Star said, seeing the look on my face.
"Why not?" Misty asked, bouncing in her seat.
"If someone comes in here and sees how different it is, they'll be suspicious."
"She's right," Jade said.
"But ..." Misty looked so disappointed.
"No one comes here," I admitted. "No one will notice any changes. It's not that." I shrugged. "I just can't get used to not having Geraldine around saying no and bawling me out for even asking."
"Of course you can't," Star said. She turned to Misty. "Let's go slowly."
"But I'd like to see some changes," I asserted, and smiled at Misty. "Especially in my room. I used to dream that my walls were pink instead of that boring white, and I hate my bedspread and my pillowcases and my curtains. You're right. There's no personality in my room."
"That's true. We'll do all that, and you should have a television set and a phone in your room, too," Misty said, getting more and more excited. "Why don't we all go shopping today? We'll go to the mall and--"
"First things first," Star said, her face turning to stone. "We better fix up the yard back there. Just in case someone does come snooping."
"I am not doing any more yard work," Jade asserted. "I'm not about to ruin another outfit."
"Who told you to come here dressed up like you were going to a ball?"
"This isn't dressing up," Jade cried. "It's just ... just being in style."
"Well, can we go to the mall afterward, then? I'd like to start doing things with this place," Misty pursued. "Okay?"
"I guess," Star said. "What about money?"
"Geraldine has one credit card," I said. "She never saw a reason to have more than one and she used it sparingly, always making sure she paid up before they could tack on any interest."
"Perfect. You probably have the whole limit to use," Misty said.
I nodded even though it put the jitters in me even to think about going through her pocketbook to get her wallet and the card.
"She always keeps a considerable amount of cash money in the house, too, but she never let me see where. I imagine it's someplace in her room."
"She didn't trust you?" Star asked.
"No, it wasn't a matter of trust with her. It was..." "What?" Misty asked impatiently.
"She was protecting her privacy."
They were all quiet a moment.
"She sounds more like some stranger who treated you like a tenant," Jade said.
I shrugged.
"I never cared about that stuff before."
They were pensive again and then Star sprouted out of her seat.
"Let's stop wasting time. Where's the grass seed? Do you have a rake, too?"
"Yes," I said. I got up and headed for the garage. Misty followed and helped me bring it all out to the yard. Jade stood in the doorway and watched us as she sipped her coffee.
The yard looked bald in the spot we had dug up and the grass we dug up lay around in small lumps. First, Star raked the ground and smoothed it out well. Then we scattered the grass seeds and Misty turned on the hose and sprinkled over them. It was still hard to believe Geraldine was buried there. It was easier to believe she would pop her head out of an upstairs window and demand to know what we thought we were doing to her yard.
"You know what else we ought to do?" Star said, thinking and studying the yard, "we ought to buy a few plants and bushes for more cover. It still looks like a grave to me."
"That's why we have to go shopping," Misty insisted. "We've got the car?'
"Cat can't drive her car with a cast on her, can she?" Star asked.
"I've got my license," Misty said. "I can drive us."
Star turned to me to see my reaction. Let Misty drive Geraldine's car? I gazed at the grave. If she heard, she would come busting out of the earth for sure, I thought.
"Well?" Star asked. She looked at Jade. "What do you think, President Jade?"
"if she has a license, what's the big deal?" Jade asked. "I have a license too, but I hate driving anything less than a sports car. However, I need some things myself and it's about time Cat had some more stylish outfits, although I'd like to work on her hair and makeup first. I guess I can bring her some makeup from my mother's company, though?'
"Then it's settled?' Misty said. "The OWP's take their first road trip."
"Cat hasn't said okay yet," Star reminded her.
They looked at me. I looked at the freshly dug earth and then I looked up at the increasingly blue sky. I had never gone shopping with friends. New clothes, my own television set? Why not? I thought. Why not really be free, finally, completely.
"All right," I said. "I'll go get the charge card."
Jade stepped back to let me enter the house.
"Want me to get it for you?" she asked.
"No thanks?' I said. "It's all right."
Here we were planning to change so many things about Geraldine's home and I couldn't get myself to permit someone else to go through her personal things, even to fetch her pocketbook. When I got up to her room, I was still hesitant. Her
pocketbook was where she always left it on the dresser. It was a big knitted black pocketbook that had once belonged to our mother. The snap was brass, worn and dull and the knitted strap was frayed. She liked to wear it over her left shoulder with the strap across her breasts so that the purse hung more to her front than her side. She told me there was less chance of someone mugging her or swiping it that way. On her small frame, it looked much too big for her, but style was not her concern. It was a practical
pocketbook, one that could hold all she wanted to take along with her whenever she left the house. _
I approached the dresser slowly. Many times, when I was much younger, I had a little girl's natural curiosity about my mother's things and once I had actually opened the pocketbook when she had left it in the living room. Before I could begin to explore however, Geraldine came flying in as if some unheard alarm had gone off in her head to warn her. She ripped it from my hands and slapped me sharply across the face. My cheek seemed to sting for a week, but I think it was more because of the shock than the actual blow.
"Little girls don't go snooping in their mother's things," she had yelled at me.
I didn't even know what snooping meant.
"Don't ever touch my things without first asking, hear? Curiosity killed the cat."
I sat there, terrified, rubbing my cheek, my tears stuck at the comers of my eyes. She was capable of hitting me again for crying. She had done it before. She hated the sight of tears. "Most tears are crocodile tears," she'd preached. Again, I had no idea what that meant.
When I reached toward her pocketbook now, I still felt my arm and shoulders tighten, my whole body poised to jump back. Of course it was just my imagination, but the brass snap seemed to bum the tips of my fingers and I pulled my hand away. I closed my eyes and told myself to stop being afraid of silly things. How could I explain such behavior to the girls? They'd think I was really crazy and they'd all want to leave.
Holding my breath, I seized the pocketbook roughly and practically ripped it open. I found her wallet quickly and took it out, but now that the purse was open, I looked into it and immediately saw what looked like the stationery on which my real mother's letters to me were written. It was a sheet that was folded tightly. I plucked it out between my thumb and forefinger and then sat on the chair by the dresser and carefully unfolded it. It was a letter from our mother. I could tell that it had been folded and unfolded many times because the creases had produced small rips. The words looked like they were fading, too. It was as if Geraldine's eyes had worn away the ink.
My darling Geraldine, it began.
I know how unusual it is for a mother to be so beholden to a daughter Children are normally far more indebted to t
heir parents. The sacrifices you have made and are making for me only make me feel deeper love and affection for you. I realize it will be difficult for you, and at times, you might even hate me, but whatever you feel for me, I hope you will always feel love for your little sister and never rest her mother's sins on her shoulders.
Geraldine, I am not naive enough to believe that you are doing all this solely out of love for me or even respect for your father and a desire to protect him. I know you also hate me for having an affair and a child with the man you thought you loved and maybe even believed loved you. I know you think this draws you closer to him. I saw what you wrote him. I am sure it was just a young woman's infatuation. Believe me, he wouldn't have been right for you anyway, and I'm not just talking about family matters and the age differences. I know that he looked at you so dearly sometimes and unintentionally encouraged you, but he was a warm man, a thoughtful man.
Men, you will learn however can be such silly fools. The smallest thing can titillate them and turn them into boys. I'm happy you're with Howard. He seems much wiser, and in the end, if you have to choose between a wise man and a doting lover you'll always be better off with the wise man. Doting lovers stop doting; wise men are always wise. I'm better off with your father I realize that now. I learned it too late. I know you will learn this important truth faster than I did and you will be a better woman. So when you kiss my daughter good night every night, think of me kissing you just for being there.
Love, Mother
Kiss me every night? She never kissed me at night. And who was the man she loved, too, the man who was my father? Did she hate me for not really being her child with him9 How could my real mother be so blind and so foolish as to expect Geraldine would love me as a mother should love a child? Geraldine used to say none are so blind as those who don't want to see. Was that the case here?
Why did Geraldine read this letter so many times and keep it with her always? What part of it did she cherish the most? I wondered, and perused it again. Was it our mother's expression of gratitude and love or was it the reference to my father? She carried it in her pocketbook, across her heart. She wore it like a badge or a ribbon. Did it mark a courageous act or was it her purple heart, her reward for a great wound?
Maybe she wanted to love me. Maybe she hated that part of herself that wouldn't permit it. Maybe it was painful for her to look at me and have my very presence, my life and my body before her, reminding her of what she had lost, what she couldn't have, reminding her of a great betrayal. Maybe in the end, she really did die of a broken heart.
I wanted to hate her, to remember her only as an ogre, but this letter made me feel sorry for her. Why did I read it? Even from the grave, she was chastising me. I could hear her.
"See, see," she was saying, "I told you not to touch, not to snoop. When are you going to
understand, Cathy? Stop moving the rocks, stop pulling back the curtains, stop pointing the light into the dark.
"Leave the truth where it belongs, buried under a pile of sins."
"Hey," I heard Jade say from the doorway. "Are you all right?"
"What? Oh, yes," I said quickly, fumbling for the wallet and folding the letter. I stuffed it into my pocket.
"What's that?" she asked.
"Nothing," I said quickly.
Her face darkened with skepticism.
"We've got to trust each other, Cat. What we did together makes that very, very important," she said.
"It's just a lame apology," I told her, "an apology my mother wrote to Geraldine. I don't want to talk about it. The whole thing makes me sick."
"Okay, but when and if you do, just remember we're here for you."
"Thanks," I said. I put the pocketbook back on the dresser and held up the wallet. "I got it," I said. "And there's money in it, too."
She smiled
"Then let's party at the mall," she declared, reaching for my hand.
I paused to close the door.
Even though she was dead and buried, I couldn't disregard her wishes. Bedroom doors had to be kept closed. Maybe so the secrets wouldn't slip out.
Or...
Slip in.
Misty was about Geraldine's size, so the driver's seat didn't have to be adjusted very much. Star sat up front with Misty, and Jade and I sat in the back, where there was more room for my cast.
"I've got to go to the hospital tomorrow," I said. "I'm supposed to have my ankle X-rayed again to be sure it's all right. If I don't appear, they'll call."
"So we'll take you," Jade said. "If anyone asks, we'll tell them your mother's under the weather."
"That's where she is all right," Star quipped.
Misty laughed and then she grew quiet and said, "I still can't believe we actually went through with it."
"Don't believe it," Jade suggested.
"Huh?"
"She's right, Misty. The more you think about it, the more chance you'll slip up. Let's make another OWP rule right away," Star continued.
"Ta da..." Misty sang.
"I'm serious."
"Okay, okay."
"Anyone who makes a reference to you know what from now on gets fined," Star declared in official tones.
"Fined? You mean, money?"
Star thought a moment and shook her head.
"No. The fine will be a punishment--whoever slips up has to do all the group's chores and fetching for the day." She turned and looked back at Jade, who raised her eyebrows. "I don't hear your vote, Jade."
"Yes," she shot back.
Star looked at me.
"Yes," I said with a shrug.
"Okay, okay," Misty said reluctantly, as if she could envision millions of trips to the shed or upstairs in the house to fetch this or that.
"Then it's unanimous. Shut your big mouths or else," Star concluded.
For a few moments, we rode in a dead silence.
"Let's begin at Fun Time in the mall," Misty requested. "They've got great stuff: posters, things to hang, black lights, everything! After that, we'll get new curtains for Cat's room and look for some new bedding."
She was so excited, she made me feel like it was nearly Christmas.
"That sounds good and then we'll go to Vogue City and check out some of the new clothes. Cat needs something decent for parties," Jade said.
"What parties?" I asked.
"Parties I'll have and parties we'll have at the club," she replied.
I smiled to myself. My house had become the club in their minds. Would it ever in mine?
Misty drove up to the entrance so I wouldn't have to walk that far. Then she parked while we waited. Minutes later, the four of us entered the mall and as we walked around the lower level, I could see the way we attracted attention, Jade and Star seemed very aware of the looks we were getting, especially from men.
"What are you looking at?" I heard Star mutter under her breath when two rather good looking, young black man stared our way. She gazed quickly at me. "Don't look back at them," she warned.
"What?"
"Keep your eyes focused ahead and get so you can see them out of the corners. That way they don't feel you're encouraging them to be bold, and if they say something to you, just pretend you didn't hear," Star advised.
"They're not looking at me anyway," I said.
"They will," Jade predicted, "when I'm finished with you."
It gave me a happy, excited feeling. My heart fluttered and my face got warm. She and Star had an electricity about them as if they were made of magnets, pulling and turning eyes their way with every step they took. I heard boys whistle and many tried to get our attention. Misty laughed.
Jade smiled at me.
"We break hearts," she said with pride. "That's what we do."
I had to laugh, too, but really at the thought that I could fill any boy with so much longing, he'd be crushed if I didn't pay him any attention. That was usually my fate, not the boy's. Maybe though, maybe what the girls had would rub off on me. I certainly felt more imp
ortant just being with them.
At our first stop, Misty bought hundreds of dollars worth of decorations, posters, and pictures. I relied on their tastes and advice to make choices, embarrassed about not knowing who this actor was or that singer. Then we chose my new bedding and curtains.
After that, Jade rushed us into the clothing store and had me try on half a dozen different skirt and blouse outfits. She chose three that were very flattering then insisted I buy shoes too. Finally, we went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch. It was a bright, happy place full of people, chatter, and music. As soon as we sat in the booth, everyone began talking at once, or, I should say, they were all talking at once. I was content just listening, shifting my eyes, turning my head, spinning around to hear one story and then another. I felt like I had been turned into a sponge, absorbing their experiences, their times of fun, reliving their moments of excitement and pleasure.
"What will we do for dinner tonight?" Misty asked. "I vote for pizza."
"Pizza is so fattening," Jade said with a warning glance.
"Can't we start our healthy living tomorrow?" Misty pleaded for us all. "It'll be our first dinner in the clubhouse."
"Then it should be more special than just pizza;' Star said. "I'll use Granny's recipe and make us Southern fried chicken and we'll have mashed potatoes and fried okra and black-eyed peas and--"
"Please, spare me," Jade said. "Fat city. Let's at least do Chinese. We can order from the healthier menu and get fun food that's not poisonous to our systems."
"My granny doesn't make poison?' Star snapped. "Do look unhealthy to you?"
"It's going to be late by the time we get everything home," I said. "Maybe it would be easier if we just order in tonight."
They all looked at me.
"Now I know Cat's strength," Star said.
"What?" Misty asked before I could.
"Miss Compromise, the Peacemaker. Okay, that's what we'll do tonight, but next time, we eat some home cooking?' she concluded.
Jade looked satisfied and took out her pocket mirror. She shifted it to her right.
"See those two guys in the leather jackets in the booth back there," she whispered. "They were looking our way the entire time they were waiting to be seated. Any moment one of them is going to come over to say something."