“You’re a good man, Soti. And believe me, I’ve never been able to say that about any man, ever.”
His eyes crinkle as he smiles, back in the present with me. “You better be careful. You’re going to enlarge this ego of mine and I really won’t fit in anywhere.”
Since we’re being open with each other, I decide to press. “So what has you wanting to smoke again?”
“The night I saw you with that guy outside Cafe Amelie … I hadn’t smoked in two years, but I was so shaken up by you I went and bought a carton of American Spirits. ”
“I wish I had come home with you that night,” I say. “Everything would be different now.”
Chapter Eight
SOTI
If I could break every safeguard around your heart, I would gladly risk my pride and beg for you to let me in.
I’m in the kitchen when she stumbles out of her room, looking lost. She’s barely been in her room any time at all, but it appears she’s already had a bad dream. I lose track of time, holding her. It might be hours, but I don’t care. Just as I’m about to pull away, she leans back. She wipes her face, and I gently wipe a tear she missed. Her eyes are red, cheeks pink, and her lips are swollen. It makes my chest hurt. Something is tormenting her, but she won’t tell me what it is. I hope in time she’ll learn to trust me.
She takes several shaky breaths and pats my hand. “You must think I’m crazy.”
“Not even close.”
“I don’t lose it. With anyone. You’re just so—”
I don’t try to respond. I just want her to know I’m here. She smiles and studies my face until I get nervous. Her hand skims across my cheek, her touch so soft I would think I was imagining it, had my skin not caught on fire.
“Soti,” she whispers.
Her hands grip my hair and I have a hard time thinking straight. She makes the tiniest gasp when I touch her cheek. I wrap my fist around her hair and tug. Her eyes close and that mouth parts and I don’t hold back anymore, I kiss her. Softly at first, but I feel it all the way to my feet. She moans when my tongue teases hers, and her body sinks into mine. I pull her tighter against me and she still isn’t close enough. Heaven and earth converge into this one perfect moment and I’m finally able to express all I’ve wanted to say. She yanks and my shirt is on the floor.
It knocks the smallest amount of sense into me to feel the air on my chest. I pull away from her, chest heaving.
She looks at me differently now; I would think it was almost reverence, if that weren’t completely ridiculous. She does this all the time—holds men under her spell. I want to kick my own ass for thinking it, but it gives me the strength I need to resist picking her up and carrying her to my bed. I don’t want to be like everyone else; I want to prove that she can trust me. She steps closer again, tentatively touching the ink on my chest. It’s too much. I told her she was safe with me and here I am like every other bastard she knows. I take her hand and kiss it, taking another step back. She presses against me until my back is against the door.
“Soti…” Her voice is husky and raw.
There is no hiding my desire for her. I want her. More than anything.
I put my arms on her shoulders and gently move her away from me. Surprise washes over her and maybe a little hurt. And then it’s as if an iron gate slams shut between us, and all the emotion she’s gradually revealed over the last few weeks never happened. Her face turns into stone.
I clear my throat. No one makes me nervous, but she sure as hell does.
“Lili. I shouldn’t have kissed you like that…”
She looks through me and I groan. I bend down and pick up my shirt, walking to the other side of the room while I put it on.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “Knowing all you’re going through, how vulnerable you are right now…”
She frowns and her eyes are shining. She’s not crying. Is she? Oh, God. I move toward her.
“Don’t say that,” she whispers. “Now you’ve just made what seemed … special … feel like nothing.”
She turns away from me, and I move closer, putting my hand on her waist.
“That was not nothing to me,” I tell her.
She continues looking out the window. I’m not sure she heard me.
“Lili?”
She turns then and it feels like the wall crumbles to the ground with her tiny grin. “I keep wondering who you’re talking to when you say Lili—makes me sound soft and gentle … all the things I’m not.”
I hold her chin in my fingers and lift her face up. “That’s how I see you.”
For a second, her smile crumples and I’m afraid the tears might fall for real this time, but her hair falls into her face and she turns back toward the window.
A phone starts ringing in my room. “Is that the phone I gave you?”
“It must be. I haven’t heard it ring yet.”
We walk down the hall and she picks up the phone. A weird look crosses her face. She lets it ring and eventually it stops and goes to voicemail. As soon as it buzzes, she listens to the message. Her eyes are bloodshot in her pale face.
“It’s Jonell,” she says shakily. “I need to call her back. She says it’s urgent.”
I nod. “I’ll give you some privacy, but I’ll be right out here if you need me.” I shut the door and pace the hallway, then I dig the crusty cigarette out of my pocket and light up.
She looks exhausted when she comes out of the bedroom. I try to wave the smoke out of her face.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m meeting her in the morning. My mom will be with her.” She takes a deep breath. “We’ll talk about what to do next.”
I stop pacing. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. What about the shooting? Are you sure this isn’t a trap?”
“She said my mom will tell me what’s going on.”
“She didn’t say more than that? How are you supposed to trust her?”
“She said we’ll talk tomorrow.” Her voice is steely.
“I’ll go with you.”
“No. I can handle myself with Jonell and Alexis.”
She walks toward the bedroom and turns to look at me over her shoulder. “I slept really well last night and I’d like one more night of that before I leave. Come sleep in your bed? You’ve shut me down twice, so that other ship has sailed.” She curls up her nose and laughs to herself. “It helps that you smoke.”
She keeps walking but turns once more to see if I’m following. Of course I’m following. I put out the cigarette first though, because I’m not stupid. I’d follow her anywhere.
I thought it would take a long time to fall asleep with Lili in my bed, but when we get under the covers, she curls away from me and I don’t reach out for her. I don’t trust myself after that kiss. When her breathing deepens, I roll over and fall asleep. I’m not sure how much later it is when something wakes me up. Before my eyes are open, the hairs on the back of my neck prickle. I sit up and someone is standing at the foot of the bed. I get closer to Lili and put my arm on her back.
My eyes aren’t adjusted to the dark, but I can tell the person is slight.
“What do you want?” I snap.
The body moves closer to Lili and I jump across the bed, grabbing an arm. It’s a woman. She yelps. I don’t loosen my grip.
Lili sits up and turns on the lamp. “Mother! What are you doing here? How did you know where to find me?”
“Let go, you’re hurting me,” she snaps.
Hell no. I don’t budge. “How did you get past security?”
Lili rolls her eyes. “My mom can pick any lock.” She points to her mother. “But you are seriously out of line! I can’t believe you did this.”
“That doesn’t explain security—” I trail off. They’re not listening to me.
“I need to talk to you, Lilith,” Alexis whispers. She glares up at me. “Tell this ox to let me go.”
Lili looks at me and I drop her mom’s arm. She plops down on the bed, still
rubbing her arm.
“It’s important that you do whatever Nico says tomorrow.”
Lili stiffens. “I never agreed to see him. Tell me what’s really going on here.”
“I won’t be able to go with you and Jonell, but you have to promise me, Lilith, promise me you’ll do what he says.”
“You don’t own me anymore.”
Her mom looks livid. And scared.
“You need to listen to me like never before, Lilith Anne. I can’t right now, but I’ll explain, I promise.”
“If you don’t start from the beginning, right here, right now, you can get out.” Lili’s voice is like steel.
Their relationship is not what I expected. Lili seems calm considering her mother broke in, while my heart is still tripping over itself. The fact that they’re both alive after a fatal fire doesn’t even seem to factor into their little reunion.
Lili clutches my pillow and looks at me. I put my arm around her. Her mother’s eyes narrow on my arm. She looks at us and then focuses on Lili.
“Can I talk to you in private?” she hisses.
“Whatever you need to say can be said in front of him,” Lili says. She puts her hand on my chest and tucks a little closer into me.
This flusters Alexis. She clears her throat. “I’m not sure what’s going on here, but it ends in the morning.” Her eyes flicker to mine. “Nico’s asking you to marry him tomorrow, and you’ll say yes.”
Lili and I both speak at once.
“What?”
“That won’t be possible.”
They both look at me. I take Lili’s hand and cover it with mine.
“That won’t be possible because we’re already married,” I say.
Lili’s mouth drops and she quickly snaps it shut. She stares at me, a faint smile edging its way out. Alexis stands in front of us with one hand on her waist. Speechless, her face turns a mottled mix of red and white. She’s good and mad and I don’t care.
My arm tightens around Lili and I nestle my nose into her hair. I plant a kiss there and she leans into my touch. This is the best idea I’ve ever had.
“This is nonsense. You can’t possibly be married—how long have you even known each other?” Each word is its own bullet point.
“Long enough to get married.” I stretch my legs out and cross them at the ankles. “I’m really glad to meet the mother of my bride, but it’s our honeymoon, and it’s the middle of the night. Why don’t we get together again when we can celebrate properly?” I lean my head against the headboard and lazily eye Alexis.
I don’t know what in the world I’m doing, but I can’t stop now.
She sputters. I can’t make sense of half of it, but then she chants, “Not good, not good, not good,” over and over again. She puts her hands on her head and looks at Lili. A few tears run down her face and she ignores them.
“You don’t know what you’ve done.”
Lili stands up and puts a hand on her shoulder. “I want out,” Lili tells her softly, “of all of it. For good.”
Alexis grips her arms. Hard. I get up and stand behind Lili.
“You need to go,” I say.
“You need to go and forget you were ever here,” Lili adds.
Alexis snorts and looks to the ceiling. She’s aged at least ten years since we turned on the light.
“It’s only a matter of time,” she says. “You’ll never make it without me, Lilith. I’m scared for you.”
“I’ve survived a fire and a dozen gunshots recently, Mother. I think I’m ready to give it a try.”
Alexis shakes her head and backs out of the room. We follow her down the hall and to the door. She turns and looks at Lili.
“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll get out of this sham of a marriage and marry Nico. This is not the time to suddenly become independent. We’ve lost everything, thanks to you.”
“Thanks to me? You can’t blame me for the fire he started … or was that you?” Lili stops and her mouth drops open.
“What are you talking about?” Alexis asks.
I’d like to know the answer to that, too.
Lili shakes her head. “The night of the fire—Nico was there that night, Mother. Where were you?’
Alexis puts her hands in her hair and gets closer to Lili. “I’m not going to dignify that with a response. If you don’t marry him, everything will be on you, Lilith.”
I give Alexis a little nudge in the back. “Unless you want to explain yourself and stop speaking in riddles, you need to go. Now.” I pause and Alexis’s mouth clamps shut, so I nudge her further out the door. “Nice to meet you, Ms. Fontenot. Night.” As soon as she steps far enough, I close the door behind her and lock it.
Lili leans against the door and releases a shaky breath. I rub the sides of her arms.
“Gather your things, let’s get out. I’ve already talked to a friend about putting in all new security. There have been kinks with what we’d already put in—obviously, if she could get in here.” I curse under my breath. “He was supposed to come later today—I’ll just ask him to come sooner. We’ll get these locks replaced first thing, put deadlocks on, and when we come back you’ll feel a lot safer.”
She stares at me and rubs her throat, flinching as she swallows. “You don’t have to keep helping me, Soti.”
“I’m not gonna let anything happen to you. Okay?” I put my hand on my heart. “Your middle name’s Anne?” I grin.
“Yes?”
I lean in closer to her. “I don’t have a middle name,” I whisper.
“Okay?” Her eyebrows crinkle.
“Lilith Anne Fontenot, will you marry me? I promise I will protect and cherish you, always.”
Something between a laugh and a gag comes out. Maybe both. “You … were serious about getting married?”
“Completely.”
“You’ve gone mad.”
“Yes.”
“What—how would—I don’t even know what to say.”
“We can be married by tonight. I know a judge who can waive the three-day waiting period.”
“But—why? We got my mom out of here by telling her we’re married. We can just keep saying we are…”
“Nico won’t buy it and I don’t want to hang around here waiting for him to show up for you. Say yes, and let’s get out of here and figure it out. I don’t like that your mom broke in so easily.”
She nods. “You are so unexpected,” she whispers.
I can see the war raging in her brain. After a long silence, she finally clears her throat. “I’ll marry you,” she says. As if we’re closing a business deal.
I pull her forward and kiss her forehead. Her eyes close as I put my hand on her cheek. We stand there for a few minutes, just like that. The best moments.
When she moves away, I pull a duffel bag out and put a few days’ worth of clothes inside. She doesn’t have many clothes but we stuff them in, too. It’s four in the morning, but Zed answers within two rings. He says he’ll be over within the hour, hooking up more surveillance and changing all the locks. I leave messages for JT, Miss Jez, and Miss Christine, explaining just enough.
“They’ll be fine—I rarely miss a day, but they can run the place without me,” I assure Lili.
We go out the back of the community center, and I lead her to my beat up ’03 Mini Cooper. I rarely drive anywhere, so it’s the first time she’s seeing it.
She cackles. “There’s no way you fit in this!”
“It’s surprisingly roomy,” I tell her and she laughs harder.
She snorts when she sees the seat pushed back as far as it will go.
“It was donated to the community center, and I got kind of attached to it.” I pick up a pile of papers and candy wrappers off of her seat. “Sorry. Full future-husband disclosure: I’m a car slob.” I give her a sideways glance. “All the time.”
She doesn’t look at me, but she looks shy all of a sudden.
“Think you can live with that?” I ask. r />
“Since your apartment is spotless, I’m hopeful your piggish ways in the car can improve,” she says.
“Harsh.”
This time she can’t hold back a smile.
“It’ll take ten minutes to get to the Causeway. We’re early enough to miss all the toll traffic.”
When we get there, she clutches my arm. “We’re crossing the bridge?”
“You okay?”
“I’ve never crossed the bridge. I’m a little nervous.” She picks up the Coke and Dr. Pepper cans that have been rolling by her feet and puts them in the floor of the back seat. “I feel like I’m on a junky cruise ship.”
I grin and tap the steering wheel. “Had I known I was getting married today, I would have cleaned the car.”
She seems to relax and settles into the seat, staring out at the water as we cross the bridge. The silence is comfortable. When we reach the other side, she points to a thrift shop.
“I wish they were open. I could use a few things…”
“Let’s find a place to eat breakfast and come back. The mall is close. Would you rather go there after?”
“Sure—I won’t be long.”
“This is your day,” I tease.
She gives me a look and I shut up.
We find a Waffle House and eat, killing time until the mall opens. We head to the mall right before ten. I find a spot quickly, and she shifts in the seat, facing me.
“Meet back here in an hour?” she asks.
“I’ll stick close but let you do your thing. How about that?”
She grins and I kiss her cheek. She flushes and jumps out.
I hate shopping, but it’s an experience watching her. She’s a work of art when she’s not doing a single thing, but when she’s buzzing around the room in action, she’s a fucking masterpiece.