For
Bryan and Mary-Ellen Doran
The inventors of the
twenty-five person queue
Without them this book
would not have been written
BY THE SAME AUTHOR
The Grey Life
Ms. Wellington's Oak Tree
The Politics of Consumption
Bringing Down the House
Gyges the Terrible
THE BUNKER SERIES
Thank You For Your Cooperation
Your Call Is Important To Us
Can I Be Of Some Assistance
Today's
Edition
the Bunker Series
Adam Wasserman
First Edition, March 2016
Copyright 2016 by Adam Wasserman
All rights reserved
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
Why Today's Edition, you ask? The latest and greatest innovation from information managers over at Human Resources, Today's Edition is a popular and trendy weekly e-zine that is automatically delivered to your PA even as it sits idly in your pocket. Reading Today's Edition is safe and fun, not to mention entirely free! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, you won't spend a credit on this new and exciting service no matter how often you use it.
What did you say? You get all the information you need from the Loyalty Stretch on the tube? We couldn't agree more! Unfortunately, as a trustworthy citizen of the Bunker, you are constantly on the go. Whether it's running breathlessly to your community dining hall for breakfast or sweating through a mountain of paperwork that needs to be stamped and filed before your supervisor arrives for the start of his daystretch, your time is extremely valuable.
Life in the Bunker is synonymous with technological progress and victory over the terrorist menace, and as such each and every twenty-four hourstretch cycle is packed with developments. How could you possibly keep track of them all?
Today's Edition is the simple yet elegant solution to that small but pressing inconvenience! Never again will you forget about that spontaneous Caring Demonstration being held just up the corridor from your barracks or the fact that the terrorism alert level was lowered to Inevitable. We at Today's Edition will decide which are the most important among last weekstretch's many happenings and deliver them to you in a single, easy-to-read digest.
You have opted in to participate automatically. In the event that you wish to remove yourself from this exciting, loyal and entirely mandatory service, you may do so by tapping here. Please let us know the reason for your intransigence and whether you would like to be picked up by Homeland Security at their convenience or turn yourself in at your neighborhood substation.
Here at Human Resources, we understand that there is absolutely nothing we could possibly do to improve your life in any meaningful way. The Bunker is a utopia, and as such life here is perfectly organized. Everyone is happy, and the boys over at Control ensure that our environmental footprint is nil. Reading Today's Edition should therefore be viewed as a courtesy which can be withdrawn for any reason.
We appreciate the time you have taken to browse this brief introduction to Today's Edition. Please do not be alarmed by the feeling of paralysis that is currently running through your hands and into your arms. It will subside as soon as the collage of interesting and informative images provided by our sponsors has been beamed to your pupils. Rest assured that this process is entirely safe and pleasurable. Rumors that there are side effects such as dizziness, shivering, sweating, vomiting, difficulty with swallowing, puffiness or swelling of the eyelids, loss of bladder control, or unusual bleeding or bruising are the result of terrorist activity and should not be repeated.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Finally, we would like to leave you with our witty and entirely unconventional tagline, “Today is the same as any other”! Don't you feel inspired?
Greetings, and until next weekstretch, citizen!
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now a word from our sponsors.
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And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Two guardians from Defense were injured in a suspicious explosion in T-9 sector during routine and completely unremarkable training exercises. The incident occurred in a remote section of a warehouse dedicated to our extraterrestrial mining operations. Terrorist activity has not been ruled out. Fortunately, Homeland Security has seized the local surveillance and detained every witness. If you have information relevant to their investigation, please report immediately to your neighborhood substation for a substantial reward. All citizens are reminded to be on the alert.
In other news, Epsilon clearance citizen Marsha Wong, a field organizer in the Housing and Construction conglomerate assigned to H-11 sector, was detained by agents from Homeland Security during a spontaneous preventative inspection of her office. Aside from the elevated concentrations of dust and incriminating splotches of discarded Flappantastic under her desk, the most egregious evidence against her was a plastex ring with an embedded microchip containing credits. The source of these illegal credits is currently unknown and will certainly be revealed during questioning. However, there can be no doubt about their intended destination: the black market. Citizen Marsha denies culpability and claims the ring was planted by a forewoman leading one of her teams. Stay tuned for further developments.
We would now like to bring to your attention to the emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary broadcast each daystretch on the tube, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Introduced with great fanfare at your regularly scheduled naptime, the ratings and viewer statistics were recently found to be inflated by devious production engineers at Human Resources. The problem has since been rectified, but the boys over at Control feel the general public is missing out on a fantastic opportunity to learn from one of the greatest minds to grace the Bunker with its presence, Carlton Smickett. Until the time of his unfortunate and untimely death at the hands of radical social deviants, he spent his entire career hunched over in the research labs of Developmental Engineering devising whitepapers on human behavior and important codes of conduct. This weekstretch featured on “What Would Carlton Smickett Say?” we'll learn that spreading harmful and factually inaccurate rumors can result in mutilation, death, and the loss of private property. All citizens are expected to be familiar with the material covered and able to pass random knowledge inspections.
On a lighter note, we are sure you will be pleased to hear that SkinnFlixx Industries (TM) has just released their latest sexcapade featuring virtual encounters with your favorite vidstars, Jallison Kamgee and Van Johnson! That's right! Enjoy uninterrupted and unrestrained sex with your favorite entertainer in a safe and isolated environment of your choosing. Hell, try both at the same time for just a few credits more! Available at a VR deck near you.
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to a shortage of tungsten, the lightbulbs in t
he corridors of sectors W, U, X, and F will be dimmed until further notice. Also, the letter “I” is steadfast in its stance and useful in its articulation. What would we do without the letter “I”? Submit your thoughts on X.net. The first fifty loyal respondents will receive a free eyebrow clipping treatment at the Gangsta Salon!
The Color of the Patriot is magenta.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Recently, the Bunker experienced an outbreak of wanton destruction and chaos. A previously unheard of band of rabid hooligans calling themselves Acey Distorted was recently identified as the source of unfounded rumors alleging that a highly contagious flesh-eating bacteria is on the loose in Y sector. Homemade video posted all over X.net purports to show Mawar Rashid, a lint collector at Production and Logistics, with half her face eaten off running into a crowd of innocent bystanders as they queued up outside a metro station. Nothing could be further from the truth. All citizens are expected to behave calmly and rationally. Possession or distribution of falsified video feeds is a