cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
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OFFICIAL ARTIST FOR HAPPY DAYSTRETCH EXPO ANNOUNCED! Everybody loves Happy Daystretch, even if they don't know when it is until it's already been. Fortunately, the Bunker is a utopia, and all its citizens are happy all the time. There is therefore no reason to worry that Happy Daystretch won't be dutifully honored as its name implies. As a tribute to the daystretch we all have come to crave and love, citizen Wanjuna Gringibor T-2 sector has been chosen as the official artist for the upcoming Happy Daystretch Expo! A collection of her most important works – all dedicated to this yearstretch's theme of Inner Peace Through Compliance – will be making its way through the Bunker over the next weekstretch. Click here to find out when Wanjuna Gringibor's graceful sculptures and paintings will be available in a plaza or public square nearest you.
DEAR EDITOR, I can't breathe, even though I want to. Help! [Name and place of residence deleted for security reasons]
DEAR [Name and place of residence deleted for security reasons], the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
N SECTOR WINS FIRST MOST PATRIOTIC PLACE TO LIVE AND WORK AWARD! We are proud to announce that N sector – and everyone in it! – is the recipient of the Bunker's first ever Most Patriotic Place To Live And Work Award! Earlier today, some of the most highly regarded graphic designers at Housing and Construction's Urban Planning division teamed up to rate the aesthetics of each of the Bunker's twenty-five sectors. They also took into account the friendliness and helpfulness of the citizens working and living there. And wouldn't you know it – all twenty-five sectors scored a ten out of ten possible points! Unfortunately, the Award could not be shared among all the apparent victors, even if they deserved it. It would have been unfair to the fierce but loyal determination with which they contended for the prize. After a long and at times heated debate, the graphic designers over at H&C finally settled on a winner: N sector! The determining factor: [We're sorry, but this information is not available at your security clearance.] The celebrations are expected to be impressive, and preparations are currently being made. For this reason, N sector has been temporarily restricted to H&C personnel in the Toxic Cleanup and Emergency Restoration divisions. No one else will be allowed in or out. Thank you for your cooperation.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Ever wonder what community living is like? You might not have a security clearance, but you've heard the stories. In communal living facilities scattered throughout the Bunker, each resident has his or her own roomy cubicle. The cleaning station has a few extra toilets, and the commissaries have an expanded menu. What? You don't have an Epsilon clearance? Not a problem! Total Submersion VR Tours (TM) can take you there – in your mind! You won't know the difference between one of our specially designed VR tours and the real thing. Total Submersion VR Tours (TM) are perfectly safe and guaranteed not to fuse parts of your cerebral cortex like the next leading brand – or your money back! Come on down to our studios in R-8 sector to browse the testimonials from hundreds of satisfied customers. Our qualified service representatives will help you find the package that's right for you. Total Submersion VR Tours (TM). “The perfect experience – like the perfect citizen – is the one you engineer beforehand.”
HAPPINESS INDEX RISES TO NEW RECORD! The Bureau of Statistics over at Central Management erupted in celebration earlier today after announcing the latest reading of the Happiness Index. As far back as anyone can remember, each reading has consistently surpassed the previous. The most authoritative gauge of the welfare of the Bunker's many inhabitants, it is compiled each monthstretch from data collected in mandatory surveys. The proud volunteers conscripted to take the Happiness Survey are either rewarded with a special pin or hauled away to a penal colony on the surface until they are ready to acknowledge the full extent of their heartfelt joy. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the uninterrupted surge in the Happiness Index is incontrovertible proof that the terrorists have failed to make even the slightest dent in our unflinching resolve to mercilessly eradicate them from all space, time, and memory.
GEMMA RINGER PASSES AWAY! You surely remember her from the public relations campaign from two yearstretches ago. Having been sentenced to the Rafael Edward Cruz penal colony on the surface for traversing a corridor that was beyond her security clearance, traitors conspired to assign citizen Gemma housing shared by a cell of radical hooligans about to embark on a one-way trip to the asteroid belt. There, she was tied up, beaten, and made to perform like a dinosaur. An amateur feed taken by one of the guards was published on X.net, and in the great emotional outpouring that followed citizen Gemma was evacuated in a quibble. We all followed it live on the Loyalty Stretch, and afterwards we all felt damned good about ourselves. Well, we are sad to report that two daystretches ago citizen Gemma died peacefully at the Rafael Edward Cruz penal colony from blunt force trauma to the head. We will all miss her.
DEAR EDITOR, Ever since I graduated from the creche, my assigned naptime has been at the start of my daystretch – just after breakfast! I've tried filling out the proper forms to get it changed, but they are consistently rejected or ignored. What gives? Bella Johnson A-6 sector.
DEAR BELLA, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
GAIA REVEALED TO BE AN ELABORATE HOAX! For countless yearstretches, a loathsome, treasonous organization called The Coven has preyed upon citizens who for unknown reasons have secretly banished themselves to the fringes of society. In dark corners unattended by security cameras and their neighborhood runner's watchful eye, these alleged “lost” souls are led to believe that the empty hole in their hearts should be filled by a ghostly fancy referred to as Gaia rather than additional medication. Many dangerous fallacies are associated with belief in this imposter being, such as the existence of an intangible thread binding all living beings together and consciousness extending beyond the physical realm. Citizens, nothing could be further from the truth! The Bunker has taken care of all of your physical and social needs. There is nothing more to ask from life. The Coven merely wants your donations to fund its ignominious agenda of crime and social perversion. It is even more dangerous than that other disgraceful terrorist syndicate, the God and Freedom Church, which famously purports that “if every citizen had a gun, the terrorists would be on the run.” Rest assured, citizens, that Gaia is not an immortal with extraordinary powers but a mere human being. In fact, agents from Homeland Security recently arrested a woman, citizen Gaia Salinator E-4 sector
, who – after several spurious attempts to evade responsibility by claiming she was assigned the name as an infant – has admitted to being Gaia. You can view her confession here.
OUTRAGEOUS RUMORS OF SINKHOLES ABOUND IN B SECTOR! Several barracks at the bottom of B sector have seen unusual unrest over the last several daystretches as their normally loyal inhabitants refuse to enter. A spokesperson for this recalcitrant group was heard to claim that sinkholes have opened up in the floor, an impossible assertion. H&C's building crews have performed flawlessly for generations on end. Only the terrorists have ever succeeded in wreaking havoc by collapsing ceilings and exposing live wires in the shower stalls of public cleaning stations. Fortunately, the spokesperson was detained before the rumors of gaping holes swallowing whole bunks in the middle of your nightstretch could multiply. Citizens, remember! Knowingly or unknowingly passing off lies as truth – even in casual conversation with your neighbor – is a crime punishable by a fine and the imposition of a word purifier and/or scrubber. There are no sinkholes at the bottom of B sector. All of its inhabitants are urged to