The buzzer goes off, indicating the end of the first period, and Jules stares at me just a moment more before she stands up. "I'm going to go get something to eat. Coming?"
I shake my head, feeling slightly morose. "I'm good."
"Okay," she says with a soft smile, and makes her way out of the front row. I look out to the ice and see the last of the players skating off, but I can't see Lucas. I wonder if he looked over this way and saw Jules and me talking. I wonder if he even knows the depths of my confusion over everything.
I suspect he does because he handles me with so much patience and grace.
"That was an intense period, huh?" I hear as Lucas's dad plops down beside me. I look past his shoulder and see that Marilyn, Simone, and Jules have all left.
The score is zero to zero and the Florida Spartans are scrapping for their lives because a loss will end their play-off run. It's been a brutal game, with both teams giving more than their all to try to score.
"Sure is," I say with a glance up at the scoreboard before I look back to him.
It's clear his boys got his height and brawn in addition to his hair color. For such a big man, Laurence's French Canadian accent is lilting, although his voice is baritone deep. While we talked today at lunch--I found him to be an easy, laid-back guy--we didn't say more than a handful of words directly to each other. I learned very quickly that the Fournier family is a noisy, boisterous group that loves to tell stories, joke, and tease each other. They're also a visibly affectionate family, which is both fascinating and awkward for me to watch.
This afternoon I was practically swooning as Lucas came up behind Simone as she was telling Jules a story about some party at college. He just put his hands on her shoulders and squeezed once while he listened to his sister. She brought one hand up to lay on top of one of his hands, and I marveled at such easy affection between them.
I tried to imagine maybe my father doing that to me, and I actually got the willies as a shiver ran up my spine. That would be totally awkward and completely unwelcome.
But what about Lucas?
What would I do if he did that to me?
Without a doubt, I'd lean back into him, seeking closer contact.
God, I'm so fucked in the head.
"We really didn't get a chance to talk," Laurence continues with a hesitant smile. "As you may have noticed, I'm the quiet one in this family."
Chuckling, I nod my head. "Yeah, I noticed that."
Marilyn and her children are full of energy and spirit. They're constantly moving and talking and joking. Laurence is like the quiet, wise owl who just observes and enjoys.
"Well, since I'm the doctor in the family, I'm going to ask what Marilyn was too polite to," he says with a kindly smile. "How are you feeling? Is the pregnancy going okay?"
This is sweet and it's a professional question, so I don't hesitate in answering. "It's going well. The worst has been the morning sickness, and I had a little bit of spotting once, but that hasn't happened again."
"How's your energy?" he asks.
"I'm tired for sure," I tell him with a sigh. "Sometimes it feels like the baby is sucking the life force out of me."
Laurence chuckles and nods. "Marilyn was like that. You see how much energy my brood has. I think they were definitely sucking her life force as they were growing."
I laugh at the image and figure that perhaps the baby is already showing signs of his Fournier DNA.
"This has nothing at all to do with the fact I'm a doctor, and is one hundred percent me being a father," he says, and I tense up. The fact he had to qualify his next words put me on edge, but I try to maintain a polite, open look on my face. "Marilyn would normally be the one to say these things to you, but I also know that Lucas gave her strict instructions not to put any pressure on you. But my boy didn't put those restrictions on me, probably because he never in a million years thought I'd do this."
My anxiety skyrockets and I dig my fingers down into the armrest of my chair while my eyes stay locked on his.
He moves his hand and pats mine kindly. "I know you're scared, Stephanie, and we have all the empathy in the world for you. But my son is crazy about you. I don't know if he's admitted it or not, but I can tell just by the way he looks at you and the way he talks about you that you mean more to him that just friends."
There's a rolling sensation in my stomach and I feel dizzy over these truths I'd long suspected.
"My son...hell, all my kids...with them it's all or nothing," Laurence explains.
I don't say anything and I can't break away from his soft, knowing gaze.
"Lucas," he says pointedly, "is an all-or-nothing type of guy. I know what you two have going on is working for you right now, but Lucas has dreams. And he's not the type to be satisfied with anything less than full realization of a dream."
"All or nothing," I whisper, understanding the words he originally said.
Laurence nods and pats my hand again. "Like I said, it's clearly working right now what you have going on, but eventually he's going to want more. If you don't give it your all, he's going to get hurt."
"You have to know I don't want to hurt him," I say, feeling obligated to defend myself. "I do care for him a great deal."
Lucas's dad nods. "I know that, and today I saw that as clearly as I saw how Lucas cares for you. I'm just saying that may not be enough one day."
"I'm not sure what my capabilities are," I tell him truthfully, and the words leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Still, I tell him an embarrassing truth I'd never admit to a stranger, but this is Lucas we're talking about, and I know I don't want to lose him. "I'm...I've got...I don't think I'm worthy of someone as great as Lucas, and as such, I think I tend to sabotage myself."
"I can understand that," he says wisely.
"I want to be what he needs," I tell him. I so want that, but I don't know how.
"I'm not saying you have to give him something you're not capable of," Laurence clarifies with a pointed look. "I'm just saying that what you do have, you have to give fully. If you want something with him, you have to put down all your defenses and just try with all your might to make it work. As long as you do that, any failure would be understandable. It would still hurt, but at least Lucas would understand."
Blowing out a deep breath, I look out to the ice and mutter, "Didn't expect to have that deep of a conversation with you."
Laurence laughs and leans back in the chair. "Don't worry. My entire family underestimates my ability to meddle in my kids' lives. But I'm cool with keeping this secret if you are."
Chuckling, I twist my neck to look at him again. "I'll keep your secret so you can maintain your rep with the family."
"You're a sweet girl, Stephanie," Laurence says gently. "I think Lucas stumbled on to someone really great when he met you."
This surprises me after the very nice but clear warning he just gave me to try not to hurt his son. He sees my surprise and addresses it. "Stephanie, just because I think you have the potential to hurt my son doesn't mean I don't like you. And just because you have the potential to hurt my son doesn't mean you're not good for him."
"Will you say that if I do indeed hurt him?" I say in a low, ashamed voice.
Laurence again surprises me when he nods. "Yes, I'll still say that. As long as you give it your all so there are no regrets."
"You realize you're taking pressure off me," I say in a somewhat dry voice.
"You're pregnant with my grandchild," he says with an acknowledging tilt to my head. "I don't want you to be under stress."
We stare at each other a moment, and then in a rare act of spontaneous affection, I take Laurence's hand and give it a grateful squeeze. "Thank you for sharing that with me. Your family is amazing and I'm lucky to know you."
Laurence squeezes my hand back and then pushes his long frame out of the chair. He looks down at me with a smile. "Just so you know, we've all been on our best behavior around you. You really haven't seen our 'crazy' yet."
br /> I giggle, shaking my head. He gives me a wink and then starts making his way out of the row.
Turning back, I look out over the ice and contemplate my relationship with Lucas and how I can achieve the impossible.
Opening myself up to love.
Chapter 21
Lucas
Stephanie opens her apartment door and I give her a quick, hard kiss as I drop my overnight bag on the floor. When I pull away, I clap my hands and rub them together. "Just dropped my parents at the airport, left behind a squabbling Simone and Van to kill each other, and you and I have four days together where the only obligation I have is practice for a few hours each day. I'm so fucking excited I don't know what to do first."
She smiles at me and digs her fingers into the waistband of my jeans. Her voice is husky as she looks up at me. "I'm pretty sure we'll be able to entertain ourselves."
"Damn skippy," I tell her as I wrap my arms around her back. "You're going to be walking funny by the time I'm done with you."
Four days where I can lie around and do nothing but fuck Stephanie. Since we took the Florida Spartans in five games and our next round doesn't start until Saturday, that's four days of little to no obligations except for some practices to keep the gears functioning. While I've adored having my family here for the last three days, I was eager to pack them off because that meant three days where I didn't see Stephanie, since I was trying to spend my time with them while they were in town.
Stephanie did come to the play-off game as well as hung out at Max's house for the celebration that came after taking the first round of the play-offs. But after that, she stayed away at her insistence so I could have time with my family. I was torn because I wanted to see her and I wanted to see my family, and I was slightly pissed I couldn't have both. Pisses me off even more how much I missed her.
"How are you feeling?" I ask, moving a hand to her belly.
"Nausea's almost all gone. Didn't even barf today, just a slight rolling stomach. My boobs are really getting sore, though. You're going to need to leave them alone until that passes."
"Well, that fucking sucks," I say with mock annoyance, but then I let her go, spinning to my duffel. "I got you something, though, that will make things a lot easier for you."
"What's that?" she asks curiously.
I take a folder out of my bag and walk into the kitchen. Stephanie follows and I throw it onto the table and smile down at her smugly.
She bends over and reads the wording on the front out loud. " 'Pregnancy Activity Planner.' "
I smile even bigger.
"You got me an activity planner?" she asks dryly.
"Yeah, it's awesome," I say, still very pleased with myself. I open it up and start flipping through the pages. "See...you can track all of your physical activity so we can make sure you and the baby are staying fit, and there's a section on tracking your nutrients and even a little journal where you can commemorate all of your symptoms. Oh, and I even added some really cool healthy shake recipes I printed out. You like kale, right?"
"Yeah," she drawls out as she looks to me with big eyes. My smile gets bigger. "Not so much."
"What?" I ask as my smile wavers. "You don't like kale?"
"I don't like any of what you just said," she says softly...kindly, but very firmly.
My smile dies a quick death. "Why not?"
Stephanie shrugs and gives me a sheepish smile. "I'm more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of girl."
"But you know that physical fitness and good nutrition are important," I remind her, and fuck, I sound like my mom.
Narrowing her eyes at me, she says, "You know...it's almost as if you're saying you don't trust me to do right by this child."
"I'm not saying that. I'm just trying to give you some supportive tools."
"Well, I don't need them," she snaps at me.
Before I can even think to get pissed off by her attitude, she immediately bursts into tears. Big, fat droplets spill over her bottom lashes and slide down her cheeks. She stares at me in abject misery, and a searing sensation punches through me along with a moment of hopelessness.
But then I get my shit together and kick it into gear. I'm pulling her into my arms, one hand behind her head to press it into my chest. The other arm goes around her back and I rock her back and forth while she sobs onto my T-shirt, soaking the material within seconds.
"Get it out, baby," I whisper to her, and resist the urge to sing her a lullaby. Whatever has made her sad, whatever has made these tears, I want to fix it. "Whatever it is, I'll help you get through it."
I'm totally stunned when Stephanie rips free of my hold with a pained sound of frustration.
"Stop trying to fix things, Lucas," she says in a quavering voice as she furiously wipes at the tears in her eyes.
"I'm not--" I start to say.
"You are," she cuts in, her voice imploring me to listen to her as if perhaps I've not really listened before. "You're offering money, and health insurance, and kale shakes, and a freaking awesome family I could be a part of, and I can't take it anymore."
"What?" I say in confusion, but she keeps right on going.
"You're so damn sweet and ask me every day about my nausea," she says on a short sob before hiccupping. "You make sure I'm fed and taking my vitamins, and for fuck's sake...you even did my laundry last week so I didn't have to lift the baskets."
"I was just--"
"And the shitty part is, any girl would die for that kind of care. You're looking at me right now, wondering how you can make things better for me. You're doing exactly what a dream guy should do, and I can't handle it, because there's something broken inside of me that won't let me appreciate this."
She continues crying, tears pouring down her face, and yet I'm afraid to make a move to hold her. So I keep my distance and tread very cautiously. "I'm just trying to help you. I don't know why that's a bad thing."
A bitter, hoarse laugh tears free of Stephanie. "You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped."
"Sounds like a cop-out," I murmur.
This doesn't offend her, but it does inspire her to share. "My mom called me the day I got let go from the museum. Want to know why she called?"
Fuck no, I don't want to know that shit. By the tone of her voice, I'm terrified to know.
"She thought I should have an abortion," she says with pain-filled eyes.
"What?" I say in confusion, not even willing to believe a parent could say something so callous.
"She thought I should have an abortion," she reiterates. "Her words were something along the lines of me not being able to really care for a child, and she had some legitimate points. Job instability, no direction in life, blah-blah-blah."
I swallow hard, watching Stephanie's spirit start to wither away in front of me.
"You know what I really heard, though?" she asks me in a choked voice. "I heard that I wasn't good enough to have a baby. I wasn't worthy of you and your family. I heard that I was so unlovable I shouldn't ever try to aspire for anything more because it would be pointless."
"Jesus fuck," I hiss out, shaking my head in absolute denial. "Fuck no, Stephanie. Just no. That is not what she meant."
"To me it is," she whispers sadly. "Don't you get it? I have a filter on my perception and it taints everything. There is no clarity for me. It's all a jumbled mess of confusion, and the only thing I know with any measure of certainty is that I can lead a solid life by myself. It's not too happy, but it's definitely not too painful. It's self-preservation, and I know I'm good at that."
I just stare at her, unable to even form words. This obviously goes deeper than I thought or could comprehend.
Stephanie takes a deep breath in, dabs at her tears again, and exhales. "Lucas...for a person who's never had care and support, it can feel smothering to me. For a person who's never had to ask for help, it makes me feel guilty when I get it. And yet you're the one person in my life that I've ever considered taking a very scary risk
and opening myself up to. But I'm finding that it might be more than I can truly accomplish. I'm a complete garbled mess of emotions, trying to deal with the loss of a job, an unplanned pregnancy, and a wonderful guy who I can't let in all the way, and frankly...I think I'm a complete failure at all of it."
"You're not. We can work through this. I swear you can do this, Stephy." But my words sound hollow in the face of what she's saying.
"No," she says, shaking her head so hard in denial her hair flies around her face. "How can we work it out when I was so happy to see you when you got here and in a matter of minutes, you're suddenly overwhelming me? I can't do it, Lucas. Don't you see...I'm not built for this."
Suddenly I'm tired of hearing about her weaknesses. She's made so much progress over the weeks, and she's letting it all just go on what seems to me to be a whim.
"Bullshit," I yell at her, and her mouth snaps shut as her eyes go wide. "I've never met anyone more built to have a relationship...to fall in love. But you're so wrapped up in how bad your life was and spending so much time fortifying your fucking walls you're forgetting to remember that doesn't define who you really are if you don't want it to. And don't you dare tell me you don't have the capacity to feel, because I see it in your eyes every time you talk about our baby. You have plenty of feeling inside of you."
She just stares at me, soaking in my words, so I don't let up. If she wants to have frank words, it's now or never.
"I'm falling for you hard, Stephanie," I tell her softly. "I was a fool to ever think this could stay casual...not when you're carrying my child and not when you're calling out my name when you orgasm. And I'm sorry, since it seems we're laying this all out on the table, I'm just going to go ahead and say it...I want everything from you."
"Everything?" she rasps out, panic gripping her expression.
"Everything," I growl out to her, and I fucking go for broke. "I want love. I want marriage. I want a family with three kids. I want to go to bed with you every night and wake up with you every morning. I want us to take a station wagon to Yellowstone with our kids, and I want you at all my games cheering me on. I want an entire life with you, and eternity beyond that as well. I want it all, Stephanie. I've always wanted all of that, but I know I want it with only you."