She nodded and tried to smile. “That must be it. So we should both stop being so serious. We were talking about you, not me.”
“Were we?” He was silent for a moment. “That’s right, the conversation is always about me. Never about you, Cara. I find that very curious.”
“Not so curious. You lead a much more interesting life than I do.”
“Really? Yet I’d say being chased by killers and kidnapped and being—”
“You know what I mean.”
“You mean you’d like to ignore what I’m trying to get at and skip to something else. I’m not going to let you do that, Cara.”
“Please let me do it.” She steadied her voice. “Remember, you said you didn’t want to deal with me after all of this hit home. I don’t want you to have to do it either. Let’s just forget about it and go to sleep.”
“Too late. Talk to me. I shouldn’t have said I didn’t want to deal with it. I was just hurting, watching you struggling, and it made me angry.”
“But you were right, I shouldn’t have—”
“Talk. You were very defensive about never hating yourself. That’s an odd thing for a kid like you to say. Was it because you heard someone else say that you should?”
“Listen to you.” She raised herself on one elbow to look down at him. “You’re all ready to go out and beat somebody up just because I said something in the wrong way.”
“I don’t beat people up, Cara. It’s all or nothing. So convince me it should be nothing.”
She stared at him in frustration. He wasn’t going to give up. And she was too tired and sore and on edge to fight him any longer. She buried her face in his shoulder again. “She … hates me, Jock. I knew it before. One night I was playing for Kaskov, and I looked up and saw it on her face. I … didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t understand why. I knew she wanted to have me there to use in some way. That she probably didn’t care for me even though she was my mother. But I didn’t know about the hate. I couldn’t understand what I’d done to deserve it. I thought you had to be a bad person to have someone hate you.” Her voice was suddenly fierce. “I’m not a bad person, Jock. I didn’t deserve it.”
“Shh, of course you didn’t.” His hand was threaded in her hair. “No one could ever—”
“Don’t say that. She does hate me. She tried to kill me. She was smiling and saying she had a surprise for me. And she meant she was going to kill me.”
“Will you let me talk? I was going to say that no one in their right mind would ever hate you.” He was silent. “I remember you said she said that to you. About the surprise. What a sick bitch. And you should know just from that bit of ugliness that she isn’t in her right mind.”
“Everybody who doesn’t like somebody else isn’t always crazy. I guess the same thing goes for hating. Natalie doesn’t seem crazy. Sometimes she’s smart about stuff.”
“But there are some people who aren’t able to—” He stopped, feeling his way. “Eve told us once that she thought Natalie was a classic sociopath. Do you know what that is?”
She shook her head.
“It’s someone who has no empathy for other people though they may pretend. They also have no conscience. If they are clever, they do everything possible to hide it and blend in with the population. Because it’s all about them and getting what they want.”
“Natalie.” She added, “And that’s crazy, too?”
“It can be. Because it leads them to do things most of us wouldn’t consider doing.”
“I … was thinking … that maybe Natalie … might … have done something … bad to her brother, Alex. I tried not to think that was true, but could she have—She wanted him out of the way.” She moistened her lips. “And then something happened with Kaskov … and her brother was gone. Could she have hated him, too, and wanted him dead?”
“No one would be exempt. She’d believe she was the only one of any importance.” He muttered a curse. “I only wanted release for you, but I seem to have opened a can of worms. I had no idea all of this was stored up inside you.”
“I’ve been living with her. Watching her to see how I could get away and go back to Eve. Sometimes she hides things, sometimes she doesn’t. I don’t believe she thought I was important enough for her to try very hard.” She swallowed. “And the music made her angry because she thought that it made me seem important.”
“Not seem. It makes you very important to anyone but her. With or without the music, you’re important, Cara. Don’t ever forget it.”
She was silent, then said, “You’re wrong, it’s the music that’s important. I’m only important when I’m playing it. But I’m not a bad person.” Her hand clenched on his. “I won’t be like her, Jock. She said I was her daughter, and she expected me to do the things she’d do. Just because she’s my mother, she thought I’d—”
“Hush.” He drew her closer. “She may have given birth to you, but you’re not her daughter. You were born with your own soul, and she wasn’t able to taint it. It’s still as clean and wonderful as it was on that day. And it will be your soul, with your choices, for the rest of your life. Your friend, Elena, was more your mother than Natalie was.” He paused. “And your sister, Jenny, gave her life for you. Do you think she would have done that if she had one bit of Natalie in her soul? That should prove it to you.”
Your soul, with your choices.
She stared at him in shock.
She hadn’t realized until he had spoken those words how heavy the burden had been that Natalie had thrust upon her. All the horror that Natalie had been for her, and to her, was nothing beside the fear that, somehow, Natalie could reach inside Cara and manage to change what she was. Because that would also destroy the music.
But if what Jock had said was true, it changed everything.
Freedom.
She couldn’t speak, all she could do was lie there, holding him.
Your soul, with your choices.
Strength. She had never felt more strong. Or more her own person even though that strength had come from him.
“You’re not talking. Am I getting through to you?”
“You’re getting through to me.” She raised her head and smiled at him. “Why not? Sometimes you’re very smart, Jock.”
“I’m glad that you realize that,” he said warily. “I must have done something fairly good this time. I was afraid we had something serious to contend with.”
“Nah, that shining knocked it right out.” She was shifting over to her own blankets. “And I’m sorry you had to deal with all this stuff. I’ll try not to bother you like that again.”
“Friends should bother each other if there’s a problem. And it’s not as if an eleven-year-old shouldn’t feel free to talk to anyone if—”
“Twelve.”
“What?”
“I’m twelve now. I had a birthday after I came to Moscow. Not that I feel any older. Elena said every year was a milestone, but I never knew what that meant.”
“It means that every year means something, even if we don’t know what it is. And every year from now on will have a special significance for both of us.”
“Because we’re friends.”
“Aye. Friends,” he said gently. “Happy birthday, Cara. I’m sorry I didn’t know you’d had a birthday. I’ll be sure to give you a gift once we’re somewhere civilized.”
“Thank you.” She closed her eyes and bunched up the blankets beneath her head to make them softer. “But you don’t have to give me a gift,” she said drowsily. “You already did that, Jock…”
CHAPTER
11
Cara was up before Jock and was adding wood to the fire when he sat up in his blankets.
“You slept well,” he said quietly. “I woke a couple times and checked on you. I was afraid after that upset that you might have a problem.”
“You’re always afraid I’m going to have problems,” she said as she sat back on her heels after stoking the flames. “I suppose
that I shouldn’t be surprised since I’ve caused so much trouble for everyone lately. You wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t run after you and tried to bring you back.” She looked into the fire. “But I’d probably do it again. I’d just be smarter and not get caught by the bad guys.”
“Eve and I discussed blame after Natalie took you, and we agreed that it was pretty well shared all around. You were just the one who paid the penalty.” He shook his head. “But not again, Cara, I couldn’t go through that again.” He got to his feet. “Now I’m going to go out and check on the trail, then we’ll have something to eat and start out. I checked the weather, and it should be clear for a while. But it’s going to get progressively worse as the day goes on. But I believe we’ll make it to the plateau where we can be met before the storm actually hits.”
“And when will that be?”
“Four, five hours. If all goes well.”
“It will go well, I know it.” She stood up and followed him to the door. “So many bad things … it’s time that something went right. You’ll make them right, Jock. And I’ll help.” She opened the door. “And you’ll let me help because friends share everything, don’t they?”
“So I’ve heard though we both have limited experience in that area.” He watched her go out in the snow and wash her face in the cold snow. “You appear to be full of optimism at the moment. Not what I expected.”
She glanced at him over her shoulder. “I’ve been running all my life. I’m tired of being afraid and having you and other people I love having to protect me and keep me safe. There have to be things I can do not to have to rely on other people. I just have to find them.”
“Very laudable. I don’t know why it fills me with such uneasiness.”
“I don’t either.” She smiled. “You would do the same thing.”
“That’s different.”
She looked at him.
He shook his head. “Don’t dive into all this independence headfirst. I realize you’re all of twelve years old now, but you need to strike a balance.” He started down the trail. “And don’t stay out here too long in the cold. We have a long trip, and you don’t want to start off with hypothermia.”
“Jock.”
He shrugged. “It will take a long time, if ever, that I’ll be able to look at you and not see you in the crosshairs. Accept it.”
She gazed after him. So much pain and torment. She would accept it, but last night, he’d given her a new lease, and she wouldn’t let that go. She’d just have to find a way to give him the same freedom.
Her hands were red and beginning to tingle, and so were her cheeks. She made a face as she turned back to the cabin. Time to go back in so that Jock wouldn’t say I told you so if she got a touch of hypothermia.
* * *
“Four or five hours,” Jock told Eve when he called her from the trail. “Will you be able to make it? I know you said you’re within an hour of Moscow, but Caleb is going to have to do some flying below the radar to avoid leading anyone to us. You’ll have to time it just right because the minute they get an unidentified aircraft on the radar, they’ll start to try to pinpoint our location. The weather is going to be fairly rough for us going down the trail, but by the time we reach the plateau the full storm shouldn’t have hit yet.”
“We’ll make it. We’ll start out right away.” She paused. “How is Cara doing, Jock?”
“Physically, fine, except for bumps and bruises. Mentally? She had to face some hard truths about Natalie and the concept about mother-daughter relationships when you’re the daughter of a nutcase like Natalie.”
“Dear God,” Eve said. “And she had to learn it all herself. I didn’t tell her before Natalie took her because it was never the right time. It’s a wonder that she managed to survive Natalie.”
“Cara’s strong. She was hurt and bewildered and questioning, but she made it through.”
“Because you were with her. I’m relieved you were there, Jock. I wish it had been me.”
“I did okay.” He paused. “But we didn’t get to the point where we discussed the fact that Natalie actually was responsible for Jenny’s and Elena’s deaths. You might have to deal with that soon. Or maybe it will just come to her as she works her way through all this. She’s bouncing back hard and fast.”
“I’ll do whatever I have to do.” She said, “Just as you did. Caleb is on the phone telling them to ready the helicopter. We’ve got to leave. I’ll let you know if we run into trouble on the way to you.”
“Likewise.” He hung up.
He looked back down at the winding trail. It wasn’t snowing yet, and he’d been on worse trails. But it was a long trek and going to be rough on Cara.
Stop looking and go ahead and tackle it. Go get her, make sure she was fed, and as warmly dressed as possible and get on the road.
He turned and headed back to the rest house.
* * *
“Finish that health bar while I put out this fire,” Jock said. “And then make sure your gloves are dry and so are your socks.”
“You’re being very careful.”
“We need to move fast. I don’t want anything to hold us up.”
“I won’t hold you up,” she said quietly. “That’s all over. You said there wouldn’t be much more ice. I’m not used to ice. That’s why I kept falling.” She smiled. “I spent most of my life in California. Not much ice in California unless you’re in the mountains. Elena could never afford to take me to the mountains.”
“That didn’t occur to me. Why didn’t you mention it?”
“It didn’t matter. It was still my job to stay on my feet.” She checked her gloves. “I was wondering, what kind of mother did you have, Jock?”
“What?” He turned to look at her.
“You know about Natalie. I was wondering what your mother was like. Good? Bad?”
“Far better than I deserved. A mother like Natalie is rare in the scheme of things. Most of them are loving, kind, wanting the best for their children.”
“That’s what I’d always heard. That’s why Natalie confused me.” She paused. “But your mother, Jock. She couldn’t be better than you deserve. Not if she was kind and loving. You deserve that.”
His lips twisted. “I put her through hell. I was a wild lad who turned into the worst kind of monster imaginable after Reilly got hold of me. Through it all, she never gave up on me.” He added curtly, “But I gave up on her. After MacDuff brought me back from the hell Reilly had sent me to, I never saw her again until the day she died.”
“No,” she said, shocked. “That wasn’t right, Jock.”
“Would it have been right to inflict a stranger on her? I wasn’t the child she’d raised. He’d been destroyed somewhere along in the process. She kept sending me messages through MacDuff, and every now and then I’d think perhaps—But I couldn’t stand her looking at me and being hurt again. So I let her get on with her life.”
“You were wrong,” she murmured. “It wouldn’t have hurt her to see you, she would have seen the shining, too. I know it, Jock.”
He shook his head. “You’re daft, Cara. There is no shining. I just had to spare her as much as I could from everything I’d become.”
“And it hurt you to do that. You loved her.”
“Aye. But not as much as it would have been to see her pain.” He rose to his feet and crossed to stand in front of her. He put up her hood and tied it under her chin. “Stop fretting. It was a long time ago.” He checked her gloves. “And I was luckier than I deserved to be to have a mother who loved me as long as she did. Some mothers are like that. No sense. On the whole, a very peculiar breed.” He opened the door and gave her a gentle nudge. “Now let’s get down out of these hills, so that you can see your Eve again. She was concerned that she had to leave you to my less-than-subtle psychological probing. I believe she wants to check you for damage.”
“No, you have to be joking. She sees what I see.” She started down the trail. “What your mother w
ould have seen if you’d given her the chance. She would have tried to heal you. She might have done it, Jock.”
“Or I might have destroyed her.” He shook his head. “As I said, it was a long time ago…”
KASKOV ESTATE
MOSCOW
“I’ve just received word that a suspect aircraft entered Moscow airspace thirty minutes ago.” Ivan strode into the living room. “A small, private plane or helicopter that could be the one we’re looking for.” He handed Natalie the slip of paper. “As soon as they get a closer look at it and get an aircraft number, we’ll be able to verify. If it’s Duncan, we’d have a chance of shooting it down if she tries to land.”
“Of course she’ll try to land,” Natalie said impatiently. “But we don’t want her taken down until after she picks up Cara.” She looked at the sheet of paper. “When will we have an idea where she’s heading?”
“Right now the aircraft is traveling north. Unless she changes direction.” He added, “We may not know until the last minute. But I’ll make a guess and position men anyway.”
“We have to find her soon,” Natalie said sharply. “My father will be home tomorrow evening, then he’ll be in control. We won’t be able to hide anything that’s been going on. The only way to salvage any of this is to make sure Cara isn’t able to talk to him.”
“We’ll find her.” Ivan shrugged. “And the aircraft will be shot down as Duncan tries to take Cara away from you and her loving grandfather, Kaskov. And you will shed tears, and Kaskov will be angry.” He gazed at her coolly. “And I will have gone to a lot of trouble and still not have the gold. I want you to fix that problem, Natalie.”
“Don’t tell me what I must do. I can’t do anything until we take care of the girl. I’ll think of something.” She was still staring down at the paper. “They haven’t found Jock Gavin’s rental car yet?”
“No, they have to be staying off the main roads. Gavin is very smart. He knows exactly what he’s doing. The police haven’t even had a sighting of the two of them since I gave them a description.” He tapped the paper. “But this could point the way for us. It should only be a little longer…”