LETTER XVIII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE SAT. MAR. 4.
Would you not have thought something might have been obtained in myfavour, from an offer so reasonable, from an expedient so proper, as Iimagine, to put a tolerable end, as from myself, to a correspondence Ihardly know how otherwise, with safety to some of my family, to get ridof?--But my brother's plan, (which my mother spoke of, and of which Ihave in vain endeavoured to procure a copy, with a design to take it topieces, and expose it, as I question not there is room to do,) joinedwith my father's impatience of contradiction, are irresistible.
I have not been in bed all night; nor am I in the least drowsy.Expectation, and hope, and doubt, (an uneasy state!) kept mesufficiently wakeful. I stept down at my usual time, that it might notbe known I had not been in bed; and gave directions in the family way.
About eight o'clock, Shorey came to me from my mother with orders toattend her in her chamber.
My mother had been weeping, I saw by her eyes: but her aspect seemed tobe less tender, and less affectionate, than the day before; and this, assoon as I entered into her presence, struck me with an awe, which gave agreat damp to my spirits.
Sit down, Clary Harlowe; I shall talk to you by-and-by: and continuedlooking into a drawer among laces and linens, in a way neither busy norunbusy.
I believe it was a quarter of an hour before she spoke to me (my heartthrobbing with the suspense all the time); and then she asked me coldly,What directions I had given for the day?
I shewed her the bill of fare for this day, and to-morrow, if, I said,it pleased her to approve of it.
She made a small alteration in it; but with an air so cold and sosolemn, as added to my emotions.
Mr. Harlowe talks of dining out to-day, I think, at my brotherAntony's--
Mr. Harlowe!--Not my father!--Have I not then a father!--thought I.
Sit down when I bid you.
I sat down.
You look very sullen, Clary.
I hope not, Madam.
If children would always be children--parents--And there she stopt.
She then went to her toilette, and looked into the glass, and gave halfa sigh--the other half, as if she would not have sighed if she couldhave helped it, she gently hem'd away.
I don't love to see the girl look so sullen.
Indeed, Madam, I am not sullen.--And I arose, and, turning from her,drew out my handkerchief; for the tears ran down my cheeks.
I thought, by the glass before me, I saw the mother in her softened eyecast towards me. But her words confirmed not the hoped-for tenderness.
One of the most provoking things in this world is, to have people cryfor what they can help!
I wish to heaven I could, Madam!--And I sobbed again.
Tears of penitence and sobs of perverseness are mighty well suited!--Youmay go up to your chamber. I shall talk with you by-and-by.
I courtesied with reverence.
Mock me not with outward gestures of respect. The heart, Clary, is whatI want.
Indeed, Madam, you have it. It is not so much mine as my Mamma's!
Fine talking!--As somebody says, If words were to pass for duty,Clarissa Harlowe would be the dutifulest child breathing.
God bless that somebody!--Be it whom it will, God bless thatsomebody!--And I courtesied, and, pursuant to her last command, wasgoing.
She seemed struck; but was to be angry with me.
So turning from me, she spoke with quickness, Whither now, ClaryHarlowe?
You commanded me, Madam, to go to my chamber.
I see you are very ready to go out of my presence.--Is your compliancethe effect of sullenness, or obedience?--You are very ready to leave me.
I could hold no longer; but threw myself at her feet: O my dearestMamma! Let me know all I am to suffer! Let me know what I am to be!--Iwill bear it, if I can bear it: but your displeasure I cannot bear!
Leave me, leave me, Clary Harlowe!--No kneeling!--Limbs so supple! Willso stubborn!--Rise, I tell you.
I cannot rise! I will disobey my Mamma, when she bids me leave herwithout being reconciled to me! No sullens, my Mamma: no perverseness:but, worse than either: this is direct disobedience!--Yet tear notyourself from me! [wrapping my arms about her as I kneeled; shestruggling to get from me; my face lifted up to hers, with eyesrunning over, that spoke not my heart if they were not all humility andreverence] You must not, must not, tear yourself from me! [for stillthe dear lady struggled, and looked this way and that, all in a sweetdisorder, as if she knew not what to do].--I will neither rise, norleave you, nor let you go, till you say you are not angry with me.
O thou ever-moving child of my heart! [folding her dear arms about myneck, as mine embraced her knees] Why was this task--But leave me!--Youhave discomposed me beyond expression! Leave me, my dear!--I won't beangry with you--if I can help it--if you'll be good.
I arose trembling, and, hardly knowing what I did, or how I stood orwalked, withdrew to my chamber. My Hannah followed me as soon as sheheard me quit my mother's presence, and with salts and spring-water justkept me from fainting; and that was as much as she could do. It was neartwo hours before I could so far recover myself as to take up my pen, towrite to you how unhappily my hopes have ended.
My mother went down to breakfast. I was not fit to appear: but if Ihad been better, I suppose I should not have been sent for; since thepermission for my attending her down, was given by my father (when inmy chamber) only on condition that she found me worthy of the name ofdaughter. That, I doubt, I shall never be in his opinion, if he be notbrought to change his mind as to this Mr. Solmes.