CHAPTER XX
_The Baron slips through the world: after paying a visit to Mount Etnahe finds himself in the South Sea; visits Vulcan in his passage; gets onboard a Dutchman; arrives at an island of cheese, surrounded by a seaof milk; describes some very extraordinary objects--Lose their compass;their ship slips between the teeth of a fish unknown in this part of theworld; their difficulty in escaping from thence; arrive in the CaspianSea--Starves a bear to death--A few waistcoat anecdotes--In thischapter, which is the longest, the Baron moralises upon the virtue ofveracity._
Mr. Drybones' "Travels to Sicily," which I had read with great pleasure,induced me to pay a visit to Mount Etna; my voyage to this place was notattended with any circumstances worth relating. One morning early, threeor four days after my arrival, I set out from a cottage where I hadslept, within six miles of the foot of the mountain, determined toexplore the internal parts, if I perished in the attempt. After threehours' hard labour I found myself at the top; it was then, and had beenfor upwards of three weeks, raging: its appearance in this state hasbeen so frequently noticed by different travellers, that I will nottire you with descriptions of objects you are already acquainted with. Iwalked round the edge of the crater, which appeared to be fifty timesat least as capacious as the Devil's Punch-Bowl near Petersfield, onthe Portsmouth Road, but not so broad at the bottom, as in that partit resembles the contracted part of a funnel more than a punch-bowl. Atlast, having made up my mind, in I sprang feet foremost; I soon foundmyself in a warm berth, and my body bruised and burnt in various partsby the red-hot cinders, which, by their violent ascent, opposed mydescent: however, my weight soon brought me to the bottom, where I foundmyself in the midst of noise and clamour, mixed with the most horridimprecations; after recovering my senses, and feeling a reduction of mypain, I began to look about me. Guess, gentlemen, my astonishment, whenI found myself in the company of Vulcan and his Cyclops, who had beenquarrelling, for the three weeks before mentioned, about the observationof good order and due subordination, and which had occasioned suchalarms for that space of time in the world above. However, my arrivalrestored peace to the whole society, and Vulcan himself did me thehonour of applying plasters to my wounds, which healed them immediately;he also placed refreshments before me, particularly nectar, and otherrich wines, such as the gods and goddesses only aspire to. After thisrepast was over Vulcan ordered Venus to show me every indulgence whichmy situation required. To describe the apartment, and the couch on whichI reposed, is totally impossible, therefore I will not attempt it; letit suffice to say, it exceeds the power of language to do it justice, orspeak of that kind-hearted goddess in any terms equal to her merit.
Vulcan gave me a very concise account of Mount Etna: he said it wasnothing more than an accumulation of ashes thrown from his forge;that he was frequently obliged to chastise his people, at whom, in hispassion, he made it a practice to throw red-hot coals at home, whichthey often parried with great dexterity, and then threw them up intothe world to place them out of his reach, for they never attempted toassault him in return by throwing them back again. "Our quarrels," addedhe, "last sometimes three or four months, and these appearances of coalsor cinders in the world are what I find you mortals call eruptions."Mount Vesuvius, he assured me, was another of his shops, to which hehad a passage three hundred and fifty leagues under the bed of thesea, where similar quarrels produced similar eruptions. I should havecontinued here as an humble attendant upon Madam Venus, but some busytattlers, who delight in mischief, whispered a tale in Vulcan's ear,which roused in him a fit of jealousy not to be appeased. Without theleast previous notice he took me one morning under his arm, as I waswaiting upon Venus, agreeable to custom, and carried me to an apartmentI had never before seen, in which there was, to all appearance, _a well_with a wide mouth: over this he held me at arm's length, and saying,"_Ungrateful mortal, return to the world from whence you came_," withoutgiving me the least opportunity of reply, dropped me in the centre. Ifound myself descending with an increasing rapidity, till the horror ofmy mind deprived me of all reflection. I suppose I fell into a trance,from which I was suddenly aroused by plunging into a large body of waterilluminated by the rays of the sun!!
I could, from my infancy, swim well, and play tricks in the water. Inow found myself in paradise, considering the horrors of mind I had justbeen released from. After looking about me some time, I could discovernothing but an expanse of sea, extending beyond the eye in everydirection; I also found it very cold, a different climate from MasterVulcan's shop. At last I observed at some distance a body of amazingmagnitude, like a huge rock, approaching me; I soon discovered it to bea piece of floating ice; I swam round it till I found a place where Icould ascend to the top, which I did, but not without some difficulty.Still I was out of sight of land, and despair returned with doubleforce; however, before night came on I saw a sail, which we approachedvery fast; when it was within a very small distance I hailed them inGerman; they answered in Dutch. I then flung myself into the sea, andthey threw out a rope, by which I was taken on board. I now inquiredwhere we were, and was informed, in the great Southern Ocean; thisopened a discovery which removed all my doubts and difficulties. It wasnow evident that I had passed from Mount Etna through the centre of theearth to the South Seas: this, gentlemen, was a much shorter cut thangoing round the world, and which no man has accomplished, or everattempted, but myself; however, the next time I perform it I will bemuch more particular in my observations.
I took some refreshment, and went to rest. The Dutch are a very rudesort of people; I related the Etna passage to the officers, exactly as Ihave done to you, and some of them, particularly the Captain, seemed byhis grimace and half-sentence to doubt my veracity; however, as he hadkindly taken me on board his vessel, and was then in the very act ofadministering to my necessities, I pocketed the affront.
I now in my turn began to inquire where they were bound? To which theyanswered, they were in search of new discoveries; "_and if_," said they,"_your story is true, a new passage is really discovered, and we shallnot return disappointed_." We were now exactly in Captain Cook's firsttrack, and arrived the next morning in Botany Bay. This place I would byno means recommend to the English government as a receptacle for felons,or place of punishment; it should rather be the reward of merit, naturehaving most bountifully bestowed her best gifts upon it.
We stayed here but three days; the fourth after our departure a mostdreadful storm arose, which in a few hours destroyed all our sails,splintered our bowsprit, and brought down our topmast; it fell directlyupon the box that enclosed our compass, which, with the compass, wasbroken to pieces. Every one who has been at sea knows the consequencesof such a misfortune: we now were at a loss where to steer. At lengththe storm abated, which was followed by a steady, brisk gale, thatcarried us at least forty knots an hour for six months! [we shouldsuppose the Baron has made a little mistake, and substituted _months_for _days_] when we began to observe an amazing change in everythingabout us: our spirits became light, our noses were regaled with the mostaromatic effluvia imaginable: the sea had also changed its complexion,and from green became white!! Soon after these wonderful alterationswe saw land, and not at any great distance an inlet, which we sailed upnear sixty leagues, and found it wide and deep, flowing with milk of themost delicious taste. Here we landed, and soon found it was an islandconsisting of one large cheese: we discovered this by one of the companyfainting away as soon as we landed: this man always had an aversion tocheese; when he recovered, he desired the cheese to be taken from underhis feet: upon examination we found him perfectly right, for thewhole island, as before observed, was nothing but a cheese of immensemagnitude! Upon this the inhabitants, who are amazingly numerous,principally sustain themselves, and it grows every night in proportionas it is consumed in the day. Here seemed to be plenty of vines, withbunches of large grapes, which, upon being pressed, yielded nothing butmilk. We saw the inhabitants running races upon the surface of the milk:they were upright, comely figures, ni
ne feet high, have three legs,and but one arm; upon the whole, their form was graceful, and when theyquarrel, they exercise a straight horn, which grows in adults from thecentre of their foreheads, with great adroitness; they did not sink atall, but ran and walked upon the surface of the milk, as we do upon abowling-green.
Upon this island of cheese grows great plenty of corn, the ears of whichproduce loaves of bread, ready made, of a round form like mushrooms. Wediscovered, in our rambles over this cheese, seventeen other rivers ofmilk, and ten of wine.
After thirty-eight days' journey we arrived on the opposite side to thaton which we landed: here we found some blue mould, as cheese-eaterscall it, from whence spring all kinds of rich fruit; instead ofbreeding mites it produced peaches, nectarines, apricots, and a thousanddelicious fruits which we are not acquainted with. In these trees, whichare of an amazing size, were plenty of birds' nests; amongst otherswas a king-fisher's of prodigious magnitude; it was at least twicethe circumference of the dome of St. Paul's Church in London. Uponinspection, this nest was made of huge trees curiously joined together;there were, let me see (_for I make it a rule always to speak withincompass_), there were upwards of five hundred eggs in the nest, and eachof them was as large as four common hogsheads, or eight barrels, andwe could not only see, but hear the young ones chirping within. Having,with great fatigue, cut open one of these eggs, we let out a young oneunfeathered, considerably larger than twenty full-grown vultures. Justas we had given this youngster his liberty the old kingfisher lighted,and seizing our captain, who had been active in breaking the egg, inone of her claws, flew with him above a mile high, and then let him dropinto the sea, but not till she had beaten all his teeth out of his mouthwith her wings.
Dutchmen generally swim well: he soon joined us, and we retreated to ourship. On our return we took a different route, and observed many strangeobjects. We shot two wild oxen, each with one horn, also like theinhabitants, except that it sprouted from between the eyes of theseanimals; we were afterwards concerned at having destroyed them, as wefound, by inquiry, they tamed these creatures, and used them as we dohorses, to ride upon and draw their carriages; their flesh, we wereinformed, is excellent, but useless where people live upon cheeseand milk. When we had reached within two days' journey of the ship weobserved three men hanging to a tall tree by their heels; upon inquiringthe cause of their punishment, I found they had all been travellers, andupon their return home had deceived their friends by describing placesthey never saw, and relating things that never happened: this gave me noconcern, _as I have ever confined myself to facts_.
As soon as we arrived at the ship we unmoored, and set sail from thisextraordinary country, when, to our astonishment, all the trees uponshore, of which there were a great number very tall and large, paidtheir respects to us twice, bowing to exact time, and immediatelyrecovered their former posture, which was quite erect.
By what we could learn of this CHEESE, it was considerably larger thanthe continent of all Europe!
After sailing three months we knew not where, being still withoutcompass, we arrived in a sea which appeared to be almost black: upontasting it we found it most excellent wine, and had great difficulty tokeep the sailors from getting drunk with it: however, in a few hourswe found ourselves surrounded by whales and other animals of an immensemagnitude, one of which appeared to be too large for the eye to form ajudgment of: we did not see him till we were close to him. This monsterdrew our ship, with all her masts standing, and sails bent, by suctioninto his mouth, between his teeth, which were much larger and tallerthan the mast of a first-rate man-of-war. After we had been in hismouth some time he opened it pretty wide, took in an immense quantity ofwater, and floated our vessel, which was at least 500 tons burthen, intohis stomach; here we lay as quiet as at anchor in a dead calm. Theair, to be sure, was rather warm, and very offensive. We found anchors,cables, boats, and barges in abundance, and a considerable number ofships, some laden and some not, which this creature had swallowed.Everything was transacted by torch-light; no sun, no moon, no planet, tomake observations from. We were all generally afloat and aground twicea-day; whenever he drank, it became high water with us; and when heevacuated, we found ourselves aground; upon a moderate computation, hetook in more water at a single draught than is generally to be found inthe Lake of Geneva, though that is above thirty miles in circumference.On the second day of our confinement in these regions of darkness, Iventured at low water, as we called it when the ship was aground, toramble with the Captain, and a few of the other officers, with lights inour hands; we met with people of all nations, to the amount of upwardsof ten thousand; they were going to hold a council how to recover theirliberty; some of them having lived in this animal's stomach severalyears; there were several children here who had never seen the world,their mothers having lain in repeatedly in this warm situation. Just asthe chairman was going to inform us of the business upon which wewere assembled, this plaguy fish, becoming thirsty, drank in his usualmanner; the water poured in with such impetuosity, that we were allobliged to retreat to our respective ships immediately, or run the riskof being drowned; some were obliged to swim for it, and with difficultysaved their lives. In a few hours after we were more fortunate, we metagain just after the monster had evacuated. I was chosen chairman, andthe first thing I did was to propose splicing two main-masts together,and the next time he opened his mouth to be ready to wedge them in, soas to prevent his shutting it. It was unanimously approved. One hundredstout men were chosen upon this service. We had scarcely got our mastsproperly prepared when an opportunity offered; the monster opened hismouth, immediately the top of the mast was placed against the roof, andthe other end pierced his tongue, which effectually prevented him fromshutting his mouth. As soon as everything in his stomach was afloat,we manned a few boats, who rowed themselves and us into the world. Thedaylight, after, as near as we could judge, three months' confinement intotal darkness, cheered our spirits surprisingly. When we had alltaken our leave of this capacious animal, we mustered just a fleetof ninety-five ships, of all nations, who had been in this confinedsituation.
We left the two masts in his mouth, to prevent others being confinedin the same horrid gulf of darkness and filth. Our first object was tolearn what part of the world we were in; this we were for some time ata loss to ascertain: at last I found, from former observations, that wewere in the Caspian Sea! which washes part of the country of the CalmuckTartars. How we came here it was impossible to conceive, as this sea hasno communication with any other. One of the inhabitants of the CheeseIsland, whom I had brought with me, accounted for it thus:--that themonster in whose stomach we had been so long confined had carried ushere through some subterraneous passage; however, we pushed to shore,and I was the first who landed. Just as I put my foot upon the ground alarge bear leaped upon me with its fore-paws; I caught one in eachhand, and squeezed him till he cried out most lustily; however, inthis position I held him till I starved him to death. You may laugh,gentlemen, but this was soon accomplished, as I prevented him lickinghis paws. From hence I travelled up to St. Petersburg a second time:here an old friend gave me a most excellent pointer, descended from thefamous bitch before-mentioned, that littered while she was hunting ahare. I had the misfortune to have him shot soon after by a blunderingsportsman, who fired at him instead of a covey of partridges which hehad just set. Of this creature's skin I have had this waistcoat made(showing his waistcoat), which always leads me involuntarily to game ifI walk in the fields in the proper season, and when I come within shot,_one of the buttons constantly flies off, and lodges upon the spot wherethe sport is_; and as the birds rise, being always primed and cocked, Inever miss them. Here are now but three buttons left. I shall have a newset sewed on against the shooting season commences.
When a covey of partridges is disturbed in this manner, by the buttonfalling amongst them, they always rise from the ground in a direct linebefore each other. I one day, by forgetting to take my ramrod out of mygun, shot it straight through a l
eash, as regularly as if the cook hadspitted them. I had forgot to put in any shot, and the rod had been madeso hot with the powder, that the birds were completely roasted by thetime I reached home.
Since my arrival in England I have accomplished what I had very much atheart, viz., providing for the inhabitant of the Cheese Island, whomI had brought with me. My old friend, Sir William Chambers, who isentirely indebted to me for all his ideas of Chinese gardening, bya description of which he has gained such high reputation; I say,gentlemen, in a discourse which I had with this gentlemen, he seemedmuch distressed for a contrivance to light the lamps at the newbuildings, Somerset House; the common mode with ladders, he observed,was both dirty and inconvenient. My native of the Cheese Island poppedinto my head; he was only nine feet high when I first brought him fromhis own country, but was now increased to ten and a half: I introducedhim to Sir William, and he is appointed to that honourable office. Heis also to carry, under a large cloak, a utensil in each coat pocket,instead of those four which Sir William has _very properly_ fixed forprivate purposes in so conspicuous a situation, the great quadrangle.
He has also obtained from Mr. PITT the situation of messenger to hisMajesty's lords of the bed-chamber, whose principal employment will_now_ be, divulging the secrets of the Royal household to their _worthy_Patron.