“It’s really not,” he said honestly, and rounded the edge of the bed to sit on it. Leaning forward, he cupped my face in his hands. “What’s heartbreaking is watching your spirit shatter—and knowing it’s my fault—while years of training tells me that it’s what I have to do, that it’s what’s right.” His full lips pressed to my forehead and stayed there when he spoke again. “I’m sorry, Briar. I am so sorry. You can hate me all you want. I’ll always hate myself more.”
“Then don’t be this way,” I begged, gripping at his arms. “Don’t do these things.”
When he pulled away, I could see that that wasn’t even an option. “I have to be like this. I have to teach you.”
“But you aren’t that man, you said you couldn’t be that man. And I’ve seen that you don’t want to be, I can see it now. Maybe you thought that you needed to do these things and live a certain way, but that was before you bought me . . . before you had your first girl, so—”
“No. I can assure you that this wouldn’t be happening if I’d bought another girl that day,” he said firmly. “I needed you from the moment I saw you, but I knew that need for you would get in the way of what I had to do to you, so I almost didn’t bid on you.”
“Why did you?”
“Bid?” he asked, and the second real smile I had ever seen lit up his face, making him so achingly beautiful. “Because, Blackbird, you started singing.”
His admission had old suspicions rising in my chest. “The seller was mad when I started singing . . .”
“I’m sure he was. Every man there stopped bidding as soon as you started. I remember thinking you were brave for singing in the middle of an auction. Obviously I know now that it was because you were scared, but it doesn’t matter. I couldn’t let anyone take you after that.”
My eyes snapped up to his. Even through my suspicion, I couldn’t stop feeling surprised. In the four years I’d been with Kyle, he’d never once noticed or understood that singing went hand in hand with fear. And this man had figured me out within weeks, maybe less.
“What other rules are you breaking with me?”
He watched me for so long that I thought he wasn’t going to answer. “Some things are better left unknown—at least for tonight, Blackbird.”
I nodded, accepting that. He still evaded answering every time I asked how long I had been gone. For all I knew, the women weren’t allowed to know the rules, and he would continue to say that same thing.
“There have been a few times I was supposed to teach you a lesson for something you did or said, and I couldn’t bring myself to even try,” he confessed, surprising me. His next words seemed detached, and he wouldn’t look at me. “The times I have tried . . . William thinks that I’ve actually raped you. I was supposed to. I know how to teach girls lessons by showing them that I am in control at all times—never them—and not care, but I couldn’t force myself to do that to you. Then after each lesson, I’m supposed to leave you for a certain amount of time, but I hated myself after that first night with you and just needed to check on you. Thank God I did,” he said with a huff. “But the other times, I just kept thinking about that broken look in your eyes, and I couldn’t bring myself to give you a lesson. I forced myself to leave instead of going through with it. The other night . . . William had come back and was with me when the shopper came to me with the number.”
My surprise that William had come back, and that Lucas had let him inside, didn’t go unnoticed, but he simply gave me a look that let me know it wasn’t a subject he would discuss.
“Even if William hadn’t been there, I would’ve known I needed to take back control with you. But your screams before I even touched you made me want to die. I don’t know how long I sat there as years of training flashed through my mind while I tried to tell myself to leave before I could hurt you.”
My eyes widened, and something in me clenched, knowing I’d had it all wrong. The fear that had built during that silent time hadn’t been something he’d planned or been enjoying, but had been minutes of his own torture.
His large hand slid around the side of my neck, and his thumb brushed along the hollow of my throat when he said in a low, rough voice, “Girls are not supposed to receive any pleasure for the first year. It makes them think they have power when they shouldn’t.” The corner of his mouth twitched, hinting at a smile. “I think last week already proves I can’t control myself with you.”
At that time, his touches had felt like a lesson in itself—it surprised me that they hadn’t been allowed at all.
My cheeks burned as I remembered every touch from him, my breaths deepened at their memory. Or maybe my response was from his touch and his voice now . . .
I could feel something changing, a shift in the air between us, and though I knew I should try to stop it, I was powerless to do so. “Oh.” I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, and some distant part of my mind wondered when we had gotten so close, and who had moved toward the other. “Is that all? For tonight anyway?”
Lucas’s eyes danced over my face again and again, indecision and worry twisting through them. “And this,” he said roughly just before his lips fell onto mine.
Chapter 20
Blissful Death
Briar
A whimper of surprise sounded in the back of my throat and I became lost in our kiss. My first reaction was to stop it, because the man with his lips pressed firmly to my own was not my fiancé, and I knew . . . I knew from the bottom of my heart that I needed to continue hating the man holding me. But even if I could stop that man and get away with it, there was no stopping that kiss.
The emotions that rushed through me when his mouth moved against mine were a force all on their own. I was lost to them and him.
My hands wove through his dark hair in a weak attempt to keep him there—to keep Lucas. I was terrified of the moment he would wrench himself away from me, the moment his eyes would turn cold and murderous, but my movement seemed to incite something inside him.
A deep rumble vibrated in his chest, and he released my face to wrap his arms around me. One hand fisted in my hair while the other arm wrapped tightly around my back, holding me closer to him.
There was something possessive in the way he was holding me. And for once, I didn’t mind it. Right there in his arms . . . that felt right.
It shouldn’t, I screamed at myself, and tried to conjure images of Kyle, but all that I saw behind my eyelids was a handsome man with a wicked grin wrapped in darkness.
A devil.
Lucas tugged on my bottom lip with his teeth, eliciting a moan from me from the warm, welcome rush that followed the pain when he bit down.
His mouth moved to my jaw and then down my throat, and I tilted my head back, exposing my neck for him in a silent plea for more.
“Let me take care of you,” he begged when his lips found that sensitive spot behind my ear, his voice dripped with seduction. But there was a hesitation that hadn’t ever been there before.
My mouth parted, but I couldn’t make my throat work. I needed to tell him no but didn’t know how. All I knew was his lips and my racing heart and the heat that was spreading from my belly through my body and the need.
I tightened my grip in his hair and forced his mouth back to mine, and shivered beneath him when he growled in response.
The tips of his fingers traced faint, teasing patterns against my body as he moved slowly down my stomach. The barely there touches and eternal patience he seemed to have as he took his time were driving me crazy. The anticipation was dizzying and made it hard to breathe.
Dark, dark eyes captured mine when he broke away from me. His long, strong fingers pulled one side of my shorts down, and then the other, then repeated the process with my underwear. I lifted my hips off the bed to help him and released a shaky breath when the clothing passed my feet and Lucas tossed them on the floor. Like the touches down my body, his movements were painfully slow as he opened my legs and traced lazy designs on the in
side of my thighs.
He was giving me time to stop him.
That time was gone for me. Holding his stare, I nodded subtly and exhaled with a rush when his fingers finally touched where I was now aching. Aching from the need. Aching in anticipation. Aching for him . . .
My head dropped back onto the bed and my eyes fluttered shut as that white-hot knot inside of me tightened. I pressed closer to his hand, trying to get more. But a small part of me shied away, afraid of what more would be like with this man.
“You’re beautiful, Briar.”
I looked up at his hoarse confession to find him watching me with awe.
He captured my mouth with his, but I had to break away when breathing became too difficult. He gripped my chin and brought our lips together again. Taking and taking, a silent reminder of who was really in control. A silent reminder that I would always get the devil with Lucas.
As if I could forget.
My chest ached with the need to breathe, but I continued to give more of myself to that kiss and welcomed the way he took.
With the last of my air, I whispered, “More,” against his lips.
That wicked grin I had seen so many times pulled at his mouth, but no fear entered my body. The sight of it, combined with the look he was giving me, had me vibrating expectantly, because I knew he was about to give me what I’d asked for.
He sat back until I released my hold on his hair, but his fingers never stopped their pleasant torture. My hands fell to his shoulders then slid to his chest where he gently grabbed both of my wrists in his free hand. After brushing his mouth across my joined wrists, he looked up at me from under those thick lashes, and that grin came back.
He bent, his mouth finding my nipple through the thin cotton of my shirt, as he slammed my arms down on the bed above my head and bit down at the same moment he pinched my sex.
I cried out in shock and pain but then moaned at the body-wracking shiver that moved down my spine immediately after.
He sucked on my nipple through the shirt as his fingers brought me to a high I couldn’t explain.
And just when it got to be too much, there was the same pain followed by even greater pleasure, and I wondered if a person could die from this kind of ecstasy.
It felt like our bodies were a battle of the brightest day and the darkest night—and I wanted to lie in the wake of their war.
But somehow, even in that moment, I knew our war was far from over.
My body tightened and my breaths came out broken, ragged. “I . . . I,” I forced out. “Lucas, I—”
I felt him grin against my breast, and again that flash of pain shot through my body.
I was floating, and all time seemed to stop. No sound, no racing of my heart, no nothing.
This was death, and it was beautiful with my devil hovering over me.
The world came flooding back and my body shattered. “Lucas!” I trembled violently between him and the bed as heat rushed through me, my mouth opened with a silent moan.
He released my wrists only to press his forearm against my elbows, still effectively keeping my arms pinned to the bed for reasons I didn’t understand until the rush of pleasure became too much . . .
I bucked against him and whimpered in protest when his fingers continued their assault.
“No more,” I said weakly.
His eyes danced with that wicked grin. “You asked for more, Blackbird.”
My head shook sluggishly as I tried to close my legs over his hand. “No. Too much. Too much,” I complained, but every now and then another moan would slip from between my lips.
As some of the strength came back into my body, I bucked harder against him and tried with no avail to pull my arms out from under his. I groaned in frustration, and he laughed darkly as his lips brushed against mine. Close enough for mine to tingle from the contact and make me crave more, but far enough away that the more was out of reach.
My next aggravated cry tore from my throat, and he laughed louder. “There you are, Blackbird.” His lips met my ear, and he whispered, “Fight it, Briar.” This time it wasn’t a taunt. This time it was pure seduction wrapped up in that deep, hypnotic voice.
And I did.
Because it was still too much and not enough.
I needed to feel his lips that were now hovering just an inch over my own again.
I needed to run my hands through his hair and over his muscled body . . . and I couldn’t.
But the sensations that continued to pulse through my body from where he was touching me were far too much.
I arched off the bed as my body shattered again suddenly, and I experienced this feeling like it was new. Because it was. This was wholly different than the first time. The first had felt like a blissful death, and this was all-consuming.
Lucas freed my arms and crushed his mouth down onto mine, swallowing my moans. Rising to his knees, he pulled me into his arms and sat against the headboard with me tightly curled against his chest to try to calm my uncontrollable shaking.
I clung to his neck as the minutes wore on and the shaking subsided, leaving me exhausted and satisfied. Lucas didn’t let me go, he only moved me so he could look into my face for a few seconds, as if he was checking on me.
“Beautiful.”
Blood rushed to my cheeks, but I was too tired to respond or try to hide it.
“So fucking beautiful.” His eyes searched mine, and then his lips were on mine again, soft as a feather. “Sleep, Blackbird. We’ll talk in the morning.”
I only had a few seconds of peace when I woke the next morning before I was flooded with guilt, shame, and heartache.
I had willingly betrayed my relationship with Kyle. I had wanted that pleasure, had eagerly given in to the temptation of all that was Lucas. I was waking up in a bed that wasn’t Kyle’s, with a man I wanted to hate, but couldn’t after all he had told me the night before.
He’s just as trapped as I am . . .
But that didn’t excuse what we had done.
One of my legs was pinned between Lucas’s and my head was tucked into the crook of his arm. His other arm was draped heavily over my body, pinning me to him possessively even in sleep. I noted absently that he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and the material against my legs didn’t feel like the denim he’d been wearing the night before, but I didn’t care that he had left at some point in the night.
This was my room and my bed, not his, and even though I’d been anxious over his withdrawal from me the night before, I now wished he would leave again so I could deal with my grief alone.
My thoughts went back to Kyle and my chest tightened. If I ever got away and found my way back to him, what would he think of me? My eyes burned with unshed tears because I knew . . . I knew he would never forgive me, just as I didn’t know how to forgive myself.
How could I expect him to still want to marry me after what I’d done? How would I be able to hide that a demented part of my soul wanted the man currently holding me? How could I ever expect him to understand that I had craved the touch of a man who’d wanted me to think he was going to force himself on me on numerous occasions?
“Blackbird,” Lucas mumbled, his voice thick from sleep.
I lifted my head to look at him, but his eyes were still closed.
“You’re tensing.” Two words, but his unspoken question lingered in the air.
“Thinking about things,” I admitted and hoped he didn’t make me clarify.
A noise sounded deep in his chest, like he was acknowledging my words, and his arm tightened around me. “Like?”
My chest deflated. I swallowed thickly as I tried to think of what to say. “Last night . . .”
The corners of his mouth twitched up.
“Kyle.”
His eyes flew open, and his expression fell. “Don’t,” he said in a low warning. “Don’t say his name when I’m holding you in bed, Briar.”
Before? I would have argued and screamed at him about ripping me away from my life.
Now? I didn’t know what to say when I had never been so confused in my entire life.
I both wanted last night to never have happened, and I wanted to repeat it. I wanted to fall into Kyle’s arms, sobbing as I begged him to forgive me, and I wanted to beg Lucas to stay Lucas, and stay far from the devil I knew he could so easily become. I wanted to cry for the life I had been taken from and missed, and I wanted to beg to feel just one more kiss from the man next to me.
“I’m sorry,” I found myself whispering, but I wasn’t sure if I was apologizing for saying Kyle’s name or for the thoughts rushing through my mind.
Lucas released me and rolled onto his back. The hand that wasn’t pinned underneath me ran over his face again and again as he took steadying breaths, and finally flopped onto his toned stomach, the tips of his fingers barely grazing the muscles low on his abdomen that made me think of things I hated myself for.
I tore my eyes from his body and glanced at his closed-off expression before sitting up and scooting away from him. I froze when he gently grasped my arm.
“Where are you going?”
“The bathroom.” I hoped he couldn’t hear the waver in my words. I needed to get away from him. I needed to be alone to deal with the onslaught of emotions pouring through me.
As soon as he released me, I began moving away again.
I got as far as the end of the bed before strong fingers wrapped around my wrist, and I was hauled back. I hadn’t even settled against Lucas’s warm, firm chest before his mouth was on mine, and his other hand was cradling my neck, guiding the kiss that felt like a bittersweet goodbye. A goodbye I wasn’t convinced I wanted.
When it ended, his dark eyes searched mine, and I knew he could see everything I’d tried to keep from him. He reluctantly released me, and nodded toward the bathroom. “Now you can go.”
Chapter 21
Day 25 with Blackbird
Lucas
I had breakfast waiting in the sitting area of the main room and was pacing impatiently by the time Briar walked back into her bedroom after taking a shower.