“Why are you standing like that?” she asked suddenly, prompting me to look down at myself.
“I always stand like this.”
Her head was shaking before I finished speaking. “My devil stands like that. You stand with your arms folded over your chest. After today . . .” She trailed off and her shoulders sagged. “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can handle the devil tonight.”
An edgy laugh forced from my chest. “You can’t tell something like that from the way I stand, Briar.”
She smiled sadly and walked closer, but stopped a couple feet away. “I don’t know what happened between the time you left me and came home, but even if you are fighting that side of you, he is winning if you are standing that way. And your darkness will only break my heart after that bliss you gave me this afternoon.” Briar stepped forward and placed a kiss on my chest but moved away from me before I could wrap my arms around her.
I let her walk past me without trying to stop her, continuing to stare in the place where she had been standing.
It was stupid to think that the way I stood said anything about me, but she had come to fear everything about that side of me, and I wondered if she could recognize it better than even I could.
All I had wanted was to get home to her, but it hadn’t been easy to get past the bitterness and hatred that had swirled through me from William’s betrayal. Just like it wasn’t easy to go from carrying out threats to coming back to my blackbird—that was what the calm was for.
“Let it wash over and through you until there is nothing left,” William had always said about that calm.
Like I’d done before I’d arrived home.
I would never trust William again, but the hatred wasn’t pounding through my veins anymore. The adrenaline from smashing his car into a shattered and dented mess had left as though it had never been there, and the thrill of vengeance had long gone. Now there was nothing.
And now Briar didn’t want me near her.
But I needed her. I needed her in my arms. I needed her body pressed against mine.
I was wrong. There was something. My blackbird was there, as she always was, trying to pull me from something I couldn’t see.
I turned and left the room and eventually found her in the kitchen on the main level of the house, looking in the pantry.
Her body tensed and she stopped breathing when I stepped up behind her, but her skin covered in goosebumps when I wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her close.
Lifting her right hand, I passed my lips across her wrist and said, “Darkness can only ever remain that way without light, Blackbird.”
“And what happens when darkness consumes the light?” she asked as she continued to stare straight ahead.
I tilted her head back so she was looking up at me and shook my head. “That will never happen.”
“That side of you is darkness incarnate,” she whispered.
“Then what does that say about how bright you are when you look at how much you’ve changed me? I may have . . . dimmed you, but you still have the ability to change the way I look at life.”
“Just dimmed?” she asked somberly.
“Dimmed,” I confirmed. “You can’t attempt to touch me with your light and not expect me to darken your soul. I’ll always try to consume your light just as you’ll always try to consume my dark. It’s who we are, but it won’t change who we are. It’s those pieces of colliding that make us incredible.”
Briar twisted in my arms and pressed her head against my chest, her arms wrapped tightly around my waist. “When I couldn’t get away from that man, all I could think about was that I would never see you again,” she admitted softly. “I fought so hard to get away from him, Lucas, but that thought—” Her breathing hitched, and she waited a second before she spoke again. “It was crippling.”
I gripped her closer and pressed my mouth to the top of her head. “I know, Blackbird . . . I know. I’ve never had fear devour me like that. I knew someone was coming after you, and I couldn’t get ahold of the driver. Those seconds before the driver called me back were torture. But when he called . . . the way he apologized made me think they had succeeded. It felt like someone had torn my life from my body.”
Briar’s fingers brushed against my jaw and down my neck slowly, like she was proving to us both that she was still there.
“I meant what I said this afternoon.”
Her fingers stilled on my chest, her eyes widening as they locked with mine.
“I love you, Briar.”
“I love you,” she whispered back as her eyes misted, her words sounding like a promise.
No, you don’t. And soon you’ll see why.
But I was selfish enough to take those last minutes with her when she thought that she did—when I thought that she could.
I pulled her back to the large island in the middle of the kitchen, caught her mouth in a teasing kiss as I lifted her onto it, and pulled her hips to the edge of the granite countertop. Lifting her shirt from her body, I let it fall to the floor as I tried to savor every moment, every look, and every touch.
I claimed her mouth again and swallowed her moan as she pulled me closer to wrap her legs around my hips. She loosened my tie and pulled it over my head slowly, but as the kiss heated, her hands started moving faster. My belt was off within seconds, and her fingers worked quickly through the buttons on my shirt as I pulled it out of my pants.
Her hand paused where it was pushing my pants and boxer briefs down, and a needy moan sounded in her throat when I trailed my hand up the inside of her thighs, pulled the lace aside, and slid a finger inside her. Her toes curled against my hips and her breath came out in a shuddering moan when I added a second. I pulled back to look at her, completely captivated as her eyes fluttered shut and she arched back.
“This skirt . . .”
“I know,” she breathed, and her mouth twitched up into the faintest of smiles. “Happy birthday.”
“Lean back,” I ordered and finished stepping out of my clothes as she did. Grabbing her thighs, I pulled her away from the island until only her back was touching the granite. “Hands under you.”
Briar’s eyes flashed and her cheeks filled with heat.
Once her fingers were wrapped around the edge of the counter, I placed her thighs on my shoulders and growled, “Don’t let go.”
Chapter 36
Haunted
Briar
We were sitting on the floor of the kitchen sometime later picking at the cake I had made for him, mostly dressed. Lucas was in his slacks, and I had managed to find my skirt that had come off at some point during the transition from the island to the hallway wall since we hadn’t been able to make it to his room. By the time I had finished putting it on, he had handed me his button-down shirt. Everything else remained scattered around the floor, and the sight made me smile as I stabbed a small forkful of cake. Lucas hadn’t bothered to cut a piece or get a plate. He’d just grabbed a fork for us to share and had brought the entire thing down here with us.
He pulled me closer into his body, and I curled against his chest as I handed the fork back.
He groaned in appreciation around the bite, as he had the others. “This is perfect, thank you.”
“Happy birthday. I’m sorry it was horrible and I didn’t get you anything.”
He huffed through his nose and set the fork down. Pressing his knuckles under my chin to lift my head, he studied me intently for long seconds before saying, “You have.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Blackbird, you’ve given me more than I deserve, and I’ll be thankful every day for you.”
My chest warmed, and though I tried to hold it back, my lips kept curving up into a smile.
But the look that suddenly filled his eyes didn’t match his words or the warmth that had filled me, and was now quickly receding from me.
“I told you this afternoon that I needed to talk to you when we got home.” He swallowed thickly, and s
omething like fear flashed across the devil’s face. “Briar . . . it’s time . . . it’s time we talked.”
I nodded hesitantly. “Okay,” I said slowly, drawing the word out.
He gently pushed me away until I was sitting on the floor a foot away from him, and no matter how much my body begged me to reach for him again, I worried that the distance he’d placed between us wouldn’t be enough.
“Lucas, you’re scaring me.”
His head tilted, and a small laugh of frustration forced from his lungs. “I want to tell you that you shouldn’t be scared, because of everything I’ve done to you, this will only be talking. But out of all the conversations we’ve had, this is the one I was sure I would never have with you, and it’s the one I’m positive will make you run back to Georgia.”
I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms tightly around them but didn’t speak again. Just waited.
“You have to understand that telling you any of this isn’t allowed, and I don’t mean for this life. This is so much more dangerous than breaking rules with you, Briar. But after today, I can’t continue to let our life go on without you knowing.”
“Lucas, I’ve told you nothing will make me run. Just tell me,” I begged through clenched teeth and fisted my hands in a vain attempt to hide my shaking.
His head shook sadly. “That was before. If you need me to stop, say it. If you need a break, tell me. If you need to leave . . . know that I love you, but I won’t chase you,” he choked out, and dropped his gaze to the floor.
I waited as an eternity passed in silence, my heart racing as those fated words played in my head again and again.
“I won’t chase you.”
When Lucas looked up at me again, my faint gasp at the haunted look on his face tore through the silence in the kitchen.
“My name isn’t Lucas Holt. I will tell you everything you want to know, answer every question you have, as long as the answer isn’t something that will hurt you, but I can’t tell you my real name. It’s safer if you don’t know it, because I have to remain Lucas Holt. I can’t be anyone else right now.”
I had already gone completely still. Confusion and denial were swirling so deeply inside me, mixing with the intense ache in my chest.
Not Lucas Holt. Not Lucas Holt.
When he’d first spoken, I’d wondered if all the men in his world changed their names in a way to protect themselves, but that thought had abruptly died when he continued.
“I’ve given you glimpses and hints at what my life was like up until just four years ago,” he went on, “because I knew I was falling in love with you, and I wanted you to know me, to try to understand who you were falling in love with instead of this illusion I’ve created—but the real me shouldn’t be allowed to even have this chance with you.” He ran a hand roughly through his hair, and a muscle ticked in his jaw.
When he spoke again, everything was rushed and said so softly it was almost too hard to keep up with him. “I told you I had to fight to get into this world . . . but that’s only a small part of it. For almost six months, I was repeatedly put in situations so William and I would run into each other when he was dealing with the darker side of this world. All for the slim chance that he would see something in me that could be of use in his business. But every single one of those meetings was planned and monitored by the FBI. They had tracked multiple shipments of drugs going from the mob to William and thought he was the head of a drug ring in southern Texas. But that’s all they thought he was involved in. They needed me to get close to him, gain his trust, and learn everything I could about him so we could take him down. But I knew I would have to do things I would hate myself for just to prove to William that I would be useful for him. So I did. And I got in close with him—too close.
“No one had expected what I found. None of us had even imagined it went so far beyond drugs—that the drugs were the least of the worries. And by that point, William had already begun mentoring me, had already begun testing and training me to see if I could become this. I’ve been forced to continue with the cover and go deeper and deeper so that one day the FBI and other non-government agencies can take down this entire ring. What you now know as my world.”
I wasn’t breathing or blinking, I wasn’t sure I was even processing what he’d told me. This was . . . well, this wasn’t real. I must have fallen asleep after coming home from the disaster in the city.
But as minutes came and went, my lungs started aching from lack of oxygen, letting me know this was in fact real.
The faintest flicker of relief sparked in my chest—knowing he wasn’t really this man who’d bought my hatred . . . wasn’t a man who chose to be in this life—but that relief died as fast as it had formed. Tiny cracks raced through my heart, spreading out like a spider web as memories from my first weeks with Lucas flashed through my mind. Tears pricked at my eyes and betrayal burned deep.
“Why didn’t you tell—how could you—you hurt me! You let William touch me.”
“I never let him touch you,” he snarled, his voice dark.
“You were going to rape me. Why didn’t you tell me from the beginning? Why didn’t—”
“Because I don’t know how long I have to be in this fucked-up life, Briar. I am undercover; this has to be my life. I have to play my part. Until you, I’d done my job flawlessly. Since you, I have failed every goddamn step because I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting you. But if William or any of the other men suspected anything, it would ruin everything.”
“You should have told me,” I cried out.
“Do you think I haven’t wanted to? Do you think I wanted to do any of that to you?” He was breathing roughly, and his eyes were wild.
I didn’t know what to think.
This was destroying him . . . I could see that—I wanted to believe that. But it had been a lie. Every part of the last four months with him had been. He’d been playing me from the beginning—using me. Once again, I’d been a pawn to someone else’s gain. And it hurt. It hurt so much.
“When I was approached by the FBI four years ago, they told me they needed help busting a drug lord. Easy. I never wanted to be part of that world again because I had just spent years trying to escape it, but fucking easy. And then I was thrown into this. I was told I had no choice but to keep going deeper and deeper, and then I bought you . . . and no matter how much it killed me, I knew I had to do what William had trained me to. Even though it’s against the rules, my biggest fear was that at any moment, William would show up unannounced. I knew if that happened I had to be prepared; I knew my life and my house had to be convincing, including my bond with you.
“And then that morning happened, and I realized what he was doing, how he’d tricked me into leaving you alone so he could get to you. I fucking panicked and nearly ruined everything with the way I reacted when I found him in that room with you because you—” He let loose a harsh breath, his chest rising and falling quickly as he gripped his hair. “Because you’d already buried yourself so deeply under my skin, and I didn’t know how to do my job anymore. A job that I’d more or less been doing my entire life,” he whispered, his voice dripping with exhaustion.
My head was shaking absentmindedly. Whether to try to block out and deny what he was saying, or because I couldn’t understand, I didn’t know.
“I don’t understand,” I said numbly. I didn’t recognize my voice, and felt so detached from it. “How was it a job you’d been doing your entire life if you said it had just been a few years, and what did you mean that it was a world you never wanted to be a part of again?”
He grimaced then glanced at me for only a second before looking down again—his hand immediately trailing over the tattoo on his left forearm. “I’m not a good guy, Briar. I’m not a cop, or detective, or someone who saves women and children from this kind of stuff. But because I’m none of those things, that’s why I was able to slip in with William.” He stretched out his legs in front of him and blew out a deep b
reath before continuing. “They’d been trying for years to get someone in, and no one had ever been able to. I . . . I was supposed to go into witness protection but was stopped before I was transferred. They came to me with the situation and why they thought I might work, and I agreed to try.”
When he didn’t continue, I asked, “But why did you work, Luca—or . . . what’s your name?”
“I can’t tell you,” he mumbled. When he spoke again, there was no emotion in his voice. “I’d been in a gang most of my life, and after years of trying, I had finally escaped. That was when the FBI came to me. I felt like I couldn’t say no to helping them because I was getting a chance at a new life when I should have been rotting away in a cell or in the ground. Half of my crew made and sold drugs. That’s why they thought I would work.”
His mouth curled into a wry smile, and he gestured to the large tattoo that twisted up his left forearm. “That’s why my tattoos don’t fit with this life, as you said, because they’re from a different life. This one covers the symbol of that gang I was in. And my scars? That’s where they’re all from. I’d been forced into the gang, and I’d been forced to do all the dirty work for my leader for years. I was the one who sent messages to people or other crews if they messed with us. I was the one they were afraid of showing up. I was the one who had to carry out the hits. If I’d refused to kill someone, my leader would’ve killed me. That’s just how it was. But in our crew, we did drugs and passed around women, even if the women didn’t necessarily want to be there. Again, something that had to be done if we wanted to stay in the crew—stay alive.” When a shuddering breath ripped from my lungs, he said, “Before you ask . . . I’m clean. I’ve been tested numerous times, and I haven’t had to use in almost five years.”
My mouth slowly fell open as another wave of denial crashed over me.
Everything he was saying—the man he was explaining—couldn’t be real.
He finally looked up and nodded when he saw the horror on my face.
“They needed someone to take down William—not realizing the extent of what he was involved in—and found a guy who had been perfectly groomed for this world. I’ve been trying to escape it for just as long.” He smiled, but there was no amusement behind it. “Guys like me don’t get second chances, Briar, and I’ve gotten third and fourth and fifth chances. But guys like me also don’t fall in love.” He dipped his head toward me, and said, “It wasn’t that I thought I couldn’t love anyone, it was that I didn’t deserve to, and because I didn’t think I could handle letting myself. Because I knew one day I would break your heart when I was forced to buy the second girl, or it would come down to this, and you would hate me. And because I refused to go through the pain of losing the girl again.”