Though his request was more of a demand, I didn’t answer; instead, I shrugged. “I’m worried about her. I’ve tried to call Chelsea, but her phone is off.”
“Did this Jane person tell you something?”
“It’s nothing. As I said, I think everything has caught up with me. It’s been a busy week. I’m just happy it’s over and you’re home. Thank you for coming last night.” I broadened my grin. “And this morning.”
Nox wasn’t easily distracted, though my mind had drifted to a few of our early morning scenes. “Charli, something upset you. Who is the woman on the call?” This time his question was more persistent than before.
“I’ll tell you…” I tried for a more upbeat tone. “… if we can go eat that dinner Lana prepared.”
Nox looked toward the clock. “It’s almost eight. Why didn’t you eat without me?”
My ear met my shoulder as I lifted the corners of my lips. “It appears that I napped instead.”
“So you’re well rested?” he asked, his brows rising with a hint of a promise that he’d moved on from his earlier concern. As he spoke, he removed his suit jacket, folded it, and placed it onto a nearby chair. “I hope her dinner isn’t ruined.”
“It smelled great when I peeked at it earlier. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t use frozen meatballs.”
Nox grinned. “No. That would be cause for immediate dismissal.”
“Oh? Should I start looking for a new place to live?”
“No, princess, just let Lana do the cooking. You have different duties.”
“Oh, I do?”
The gleam in his eyes and the view he provided as he continued to remove his tie left me momentarily tongue-tied. “Fine,” I finally said. “I turned down the heat in the oven. It was my contribution to dinner. It should all be fine.”
Nox reached for my hand and helped me stand. “It does smell wonderful,” he agreed before his gaze narrowed. “If it didn’t, I might decide to keep you in here and skip food.”
“Keep me in here?” My tone turned sultry with a touch of innocence. “How would you plan to keep me? Tied to the bed?”
One of Nox’s brows twitched. “Careful. Food is beginning to lose its appeal.”
His innuendo reminded me why I’d entered the bedroom in the first place. “Do you know…?” My question faltered as I searched for the right words and fought the embarrassment brought on by the subject.
My mind told me that it was silly. No one in the world knew me as intimately as Nox Demetri. Simply asking him the location of my vibrator shouldn’t make me nervous. Maybe it was because he’d once told me I wasn’t allowed to use it. The thing was—I didn’t want to be the one in control.
“Do I know… what?” Nox asked, pulling me close, his arm firmly around my waist. “How to tie satin into the perfect knots that keep you exactly where I want you?”
Our hips came crashing together, prompted by his embrace. My breathing hitched as I worked to stay focused on my goal and not allow my thoughts to imagine what he described. With my neck bowed backward, I tilted my head seductively and lowered my lashes. “No, Mr. Demetri. I know the answer to that question. I was wondering if you knew where my vibrator was? Last time I saw it, it was on the bed.”
His menacing gaze, which over the last week had been replaced with concern and worry, resurfaced with a vengeance. Its reappearance caused my heart to tremble and body to quake in anticipation.
“Miss Collins, was that the reason for your angst? Were you so horny that you were crying over a lost vibrator, one that I believe I told you was off-limits? Is that what happens when I’m merely an hour late?”
“No!” I said playfully as I pushed against his unmoving chest.
“Really now,” he cooed, “I’m certain I can help you with that need and many more. Maybe we should forget dinner?”
“Food, Mr. Demetri. That was where we were going. Lana’s note said that some of her meals of late have ended up in the trash. This won’t be one of them. Unless you plan to starve me?”
“No. Starving you doesn’t sound like fun. Causing you to cry out my name in sexual frustration… now that sounds promising.”
My tummy did flip-flops as his grin joined the navy swirls within the light blue of his eyes. It wasn’t fair that after a long day he could be so handsome and have the ability to twist my insides with mere words and glances.
“And for the record,” Nox continued, “I do know where your vibrator is. And since you’ve successfully avoided answering my direct questions about the call, I believe our after-dinner activity has been planned. Just wait, Miss Collins, my interrogation technique is very effective.” He tugged me closer. “So much so, that if some of my methods weren’t considered illegal by the Geneva Convention, Homeland Security would certainly use it to learn secret intelligence.”
“I haven’t avoided…” I began in my own defense, ignoring the tantalizing cocktail rushing through my blood, the one created by equal measures of anticipation at his promise and the right amount of trepidation at his threat.
Nox bent toward me and kissed my forehead. His deep voice resonated his new warning. “Princess, don’t make it worse.”
“I’m not. It’s just that—”
He shook his head, our noses touching.
“We could just go for sweet and slow,” I tried. “This morning was… well, amazing seems woefully insufficient.”
Nox smiled at my use of the same words he’d said in Del Mar. “Yes, princess, I agree. But tonight is about learning your secrets, one way or the other. Before this night is over, you’ll be telling me what I want to know or suffering the consequences.” He tugged my hand, pulling me toward the hallway and kitchen. “Sustenance first, sex coma later.”
Trailing a step behind, I bit my lower lip as my mind filled with possibilities and my insides twisted to a pleasurable and painful pitch. If I didn’t think I’d need the nutrition, I’d agree to forgo dinner.
SECRETS WEREN’T SECRETS unless they were hidden away. Those things that we shared openly, that we talked, laughed, and even cried about, couldn’t hurt us because they were out there for the world to see. It was the things that we kept hidden, that we didn’t share, that lurked in the shadows—those held the power to hurt, harm, and even destroy.
Nox and I both had them—secrets we hadn’t shared.
Perhaps it wasn’t that we didn’t want to share. It was that we didn’t know how.
After our meal, Nox went to a drawer in our closet and found my missing vibrator. Apparently, it wasn’t missing at all, but hidden from possible prying eyes.
“I got the impression that you weren’t against voyeurism?” I asked with a smirk.
“Oh, princess, it depends on my mood.” He suggestively lifted one brow. “After I have that sexy body perfectly positioned, do you think I should call Isaac?”
“No,” I answered too quickly.
As Nox surveyed the items in the drawer, I stepped behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I didn’t want whatever he had planned filled with confessions. I wanted them out of the way so we could concentrate on other things.
With my cheek against his back, I said, “Jane was my nanny.”
He didn’t turn, but stood taller. By the way his muscles tensed, I knew I had his full attention.
“Did you call her or did she call you?”
“I called her.”
“Why did her call upset you?”
I shrugged against his warmth. “I think it’s because she’s one of the few parts of my childhood I don’t want to forget.”
Nox turned and surrounded me with his arms. “Then don’t.”
He made it sound so simple.
“I love her, as I should love…” I tucked my lips between my teeth, not wanting to cry or ruin the mood he’d been trying to create. “I’m sorry. I wanted to answer your question so we could think about other things.” I tilted my head toward his open drawer. Lengths of black satin lay neatly coiled be
side the pink case of my vibrator. There were also candles and an accumulation of other toys we’d only begun to enjoy.
Before Nox, I’d never seen most of the accessories. Warmth filled my cheeks as I considered my new knowledge. Who would have ever thought a flogger could be so erotic?
Nox reached for my chin, holding it between his thumb and index finger and brought my moist eyes to his. “I’ve seen your shadows. I want to help rid your golden eyes of them, to make them clear. Your eyes are stunning when they’re focused and not filled with concerns from your past. I’ve seen them shining with wonder as you sit for hours and read about things that would bore most of the world. They’ve been filled with anticipation as you watch my every move, wondering what I will do next. Those are the eyes I adore. If you talk about the shadows, share them with me, they can’t linger in there anymore.”
When I tried to look down, he held my face steady. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have answered his question, should have let the evening go where he’d planned. Since I couldn’t move my gaze away, my only escape was to close my eyes.
I did, allowing my lashes to lie upon my cheeks.
“No, Charli. Look at me. You brought this up.”
I peered upward. “You asked. You said you were going to make me tell you.”
“If I thought anything in this drawer could erase that sadness, I wouldn’t hesitate, but, princess, you’re the only one who can do that.” He ran the pad of his thumb over my lips. “I won’t make you tell me anything. I want you to want to tell me. Do you understand?”
I nodded against his hold.
“I’ll ask you questions. Tell me what you can.”
His words scared me more than anything in his drawer. The sweet lash of knotted leather would be easier to endure than answering questions, especially if he found the right ones to ask.
Fear at that thought squeezed the muscles of my throat, holding back my answer. Nevertheless, I managed a whispered reply. “I’ll try.”
Nox shut the drawer, and I let out an exaggerated breath. “I’m sorry. Your plans were better than this.”
“Don’t be sorry. My plans can wait.”
Tenderly, he led me back to the bedroom. “This Jane, do you know where she is now?”
I nodded and took a deep breath. “Yes, she’s at my… at my parents’ house.” The explanation left a sour taste on my tongue.
“It bothers you to say parents, doesn’t it?” Nox asked.
I nodded again.
“You said you loved her like you should have loved… your mother?”
I lowered my lids. “I do love my mother. But I’ve hurt her.” I shook my head. “I’ve never meant to cause her pain, but she’s been nonetheless hurt because of me. I think I knew it. That was why it was easier to…”
“To leave?” Nox asked.
“Yes. But she keeps begging me to come back. I can’t. I can’t bear it. Seeing him makes me physically ill.”
“Him? Your stepfather?”
“Yes,” I answered quickly. “I don’t know what I want to say. I guess I do love my mother, too. I stay away because when I’m around my mother, I say things that upset him. And over the years she’s paid for more of my mistakes than I have.” My voice trailed to a whisper. “And I paid dearly.”
Nox’s shoulders tightened as he guided me to the bed. Though we were both fully clothed, he pulled me close and wrapped his arm over my shoulder as we both sat against the headboard.
“Can you tell me what that bastard did?”
The delicious dinner of lasagna and bread that we’d recently consumed churned in my stomach. Maybe it was the wine that had loosened my lips. Even so, my chest ached as if it had been cracked open, the breastbone physically fractured. There was something about the pain that was excruciating yet also liberating. I’d stored so many memories, encased and entombed them. The break freed them. In a few words they’d no longer be shadows but light in our darkened room.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. With Nox’s arm keeping me safe and giving me strength, I began to explain. “My mother always endured more of his wrath. Now that I’m older and more perceptive, I wonder if she asked for it, took it on intentionally to spare me. All those years I thought she didn’t care, thought she didn’t see. She’d spend days in her suite, claiming migraines. But now, as I listen to her desperation to see me, to talk to me, and listened to Jane, I wonder if maybe there was more, more that a little girl or a teenager didn’t see, couldn’t comprehend.”
“Your stepfather hurt your mother?”
I nodded.
“Once? Twice?”
“Always. Abuse—mental, emotional, physical. You name it.”
“Alex,” Nox said, his use of my real name an indication of how serious he was taking this conversation. “What about you? Did he abuse you?”
“Psychologically. Verbally. I was never good enough, at anything. Always an embarrassment. Never the Montague I should be.”
“What did he…?”
My tongue darted to my lips, moistening them so that I could continue. “I’ve never talked about it. Not even to Jane, but she knew. She always knew. She would always find me and do what she could to help.” I sighed. “She used to tell me that one day I could leave Montague Manor and I’d find a life that would make me happy.”
I placed my hands on Nox’s chest, small white buttons ran from his open collar to beneath his pants. Warmth radiated through the thin fabric as his heart pounded a steady rhythm below my touch. “I think,” I declared with new determination, “that I have.”
“You have?”
“I’ve found it. I know you have secrets too. I know you have shadows, but in your shadows, mine feel less threatening. For the first time, I feel free to talk about things that I’ve always kept quiet. I don’t want to tell you any of this so that you’ll right a wrong or even to make you share your shadows. I want to tell you so that you’ll know that I trust you.”
I looked back toward the closet and his closed drawer of sex toys. “Not just with my body and safety, but also with my secrets and love. I’ve never felt that way before, except for Jane.”
Nox’s eyes squinted as he seemed to consider my comparison.
“Not sexually… not like you. But listening to Jane’s voice today, I know I’ve always loved and been loved by her, because more than anyone at Montague Manor, I trusted her.” I swallowed, forcing my emotion down. “You and her. You’re the only two people I think I’ve completely trusted.” I shrugged. “Chelsea is close, but I never told her what had happened. And my mother, maybe I owe her more than I’ve given.”
“Did he touch you?” The tension in Nox’s expression appeared almost painful.
“Not sexually.”
The arm around me loosened.
I went on. “He was a fan of corporal punishment.”
Nox’s back straightened against the headboard. When I turned, I saw his eyes shut.
“When…” he began, “…I… when you bit my ankle…” He took a deep breath and moved in front of me, so that we were eye to eye. “I thought you were mad, but you were scared… of me? Because of him?”
It seemed so long ago.
“I was…” I admitted, “…both—mad and scared.”
“Oh, fuck. Charli, I didn’t mean…”
I brushed my lips against his. “You were… different.” I felt the crimson fill my cheeks. “Even though you were upset, there wasn’t the rage. You made it… I didn’t the first time, but since… I guess I like it.” Our lips touched again. “Because once I learned your mission for that first time, to teach me a lesson for signing the agreement, I’m pretty sure that harming or degrading me isn’t your goal. I trust you not to do that. I trust you to make it right, to take the pain and make it pleasure.”
His hand slipped behind my neck, securing my gaze to his. In his pale blue eyes was a mixture of pride and regret, happiness that he held my trust and sadness that he could have lost it.
/> “Never,” he said. “Never would harming or degrading you be my goal. I was upset about the agreement, but everything since and before has been for pleasure.” He shook his head. “If I’d known… I never would have…”
I touched his lips, silencing his words. “Nox, I haven’t found my hard limit with you, but when—and if—I do, I trust you’ll respect it.”
“Princess, you’ll never have to resort to biting again.”
I shrugged. “Maybe I want to.”
His lips twitched and his eyes twinkled with traces of his menacing grin. “Then, princess, we may have to revisit some of your more recent likes. Because biting is a punishable offense.” His touch skirted my arms, before he tucked me back against his chest. “Thank you for sharing some of your shadows with me. By the way, I’d like to teach your stepfather what happens to men who hurt women and little girls.”
“I don’t want that. I want to forget it happened, but I can’t forget that my mother still lives with it.”
“Why? Why doesn’t she leave him?”
“To her, divorce is worse. What happens in the halls and shadows of Montague Manor goes unspoken. To the world, they’re a happy couple. It’s usually at night. I used to hide in my room as their voices carried. I never knew if I was going to be first or second. I’d stare at my door and pray that it wouldn’t open.
“Some children are afraid of the boogeyman. I didn’t wonder if he was a myth. I knew he lived down the hall.”
The words kept pouring out. “He travels. He always has. My father was killed in an accident while traveling. I was only three, but I remember praying that Alton would meet the same fate. I didn’t understand how it could happen to my father, a man who I really can’t remember, but it wouldn’t happen to a monster like Alton.”
Nox stiffened and turned, hovering above me, his arms on both sides of me, like a shield. “You don’t have to worry or pray for his demise. Not anymore. I told you before: I’m the only bad I want near you.”
Readjusting his weight, Nox reached for the buttons on my blouse and one by one began to undo them. “Princess, I’m feeling a little more like sweet and amazing. We’ll save the vibrator for another day.”